Gender is always on my mind, it seems. It is a big concern of my research, and I think I probably pay more attention to issues of gender than the average parent (no doubt, as do most of my readers many of whom are also academic moms). Since giving birth to Wild Man, I've thought a lot about gender roles and how they will affect my son. At 2 1/2 Wild Man is slowly becoming aware of gender and sex. He knows, for example, that he has a penis and that I do not. He knows that I wear a bra but that C does not. As he has found various feminine products in our bathroom cabinet the closer we get to Z's arrival, he is also starting to understand that certain things are for "ladies." Per our pediatrician's instructions, we're focusing on providing simple answers to his questions and offering more information when he asks for more. Mostly though, Wild Man is satisfied with simple answers about the differences between his body and my body. We have recently had some trouble answering questions that are clearly related to gender.
C and I recently took Wild Man shoe shopping. He is now at the age where he offers an opinion, and we're learning how to validate his opinion while buying clothes and shoes that we think are appropriate. On this particular shopping trip, we explained to Wild Man that he needed new sneakers, nothing else. My kid likes shoes (can you blame him? So do I!), so it was important that he know we were only buying sneakers. Well, at the shoe store, Wild Man was drawn immediately to a pair of pink sparkly sneakers. He looked up at me and said, "Mommy, I please have these?" The pair he had chosen were reasonably price, were well made, and were a brand that I know will last. Moreover, they were designed in a way that would easily accommodate my son's wide foot. I figured, what the heck? They weren't obnoxiously pink and only the velcro straps were sparkly. But C took one look at them and said, "I don't think we should let him have pink shoes." I raised my eyebrows, and he then said, "I know we're trying to be progressive parents, but I really don't want to have to deal with all the comments we'll get about letting him wear pink shoes. I'll compromise. We can go buy him some pink, glittery play shoes at the toy store when we're done here." To be totally honest, I think C's reasoning is a bit of a cop out. Wild Man likes pink, plain and simple. But he also likes trucks, tractors, and dirt. I understand that we'd probably get a few odd looks about his shoes, but whatever, right? I mean, pink shoes are the least of my worries. That said, I wasn't in the mood to have a long drawn out debate about gender in the shoe store. C was able to suggest a pair of navy blue sneakers with red and silver trim that Wild Man liked. They fit so we bought them. We never made it to the toy store for dress up shoes, but he still wears my heels around the house. All is well in our house.
Then I ran across this article on Princess Fever this morning. I freely admit this is my biggest fear about having a daugther: that she will come out of my womb loving all things pink, glittery, sparkly, and princess-y. All things that I really don't like. In fact, part of the reason we haven't bought Wild Man dress up play shoes is that I can't find any that aren't connected to the Disney Princesses. I think I'm pretty good a negotiating gender choices for my son because I'm trying to seek a balance. Ideally we'll be able to provide a similar balance for Z, but after reading this article I am now imagining us in the same shoe store arguing with her about pink sparkly sneakers emblazoned with princesses and trying to steer her toward the navy blue ones. Is it possible in 2009 to raise a daughter who is not enamored by princesses?
9 comments:
The short answer is: yes, it's possible, but it's not guaranteed. I, too, hate all things princess related. In fact, Hannah has still never seen Cinderella simply because my logic was that if she never hears the words "prince charming" she can't sit around and wait on him :)
Somehow, Hannah was always attracted to sparkly things, but never had any interest in princesses, and she's relatively averse to pink anything these days...she's into the rocker chick image. The catch is that this is all due to her own particular personality, rather than some grand scheme of my own. My efforts at directing her away from a princess-obsessed childhood likely played a part, as did my efforts to take her fishing, camping, and tree climbing. In the end, though, she likes what she likes. I got lucky with Hannah, and the trend seems to be continuing with Eliza, but it could change at any minute.
Much of it has to do with what *other* people buy for/expose your child to. I made it clear to family members that Hannah wasn't allowed to watch most Disney movies (I didn't care what they thought about my decision either) and I reminded them often that she didn't care for Barbie dolls. When the rare occasion came that someone bought her something I didn't approve of, I threw it away, plain and simple (I tried to do it without her seeing it if possible). For example, when someone bought her a Bratz doll one time, it was fairly easy to explain to her why that wasn't an appropriate toy (i.e. their name implies that they are children who don't behave well and make good decisions; we want to play with toys based on models for good behavior and decision making). At about 3-years old, she understood this kind of explanation.
Ultimately, some girls will be sucked in simply because they prefer the princess stuff. As long as it's balanced with other options (like you already do with Wild Man) and not framed as "girl stuff" vs. "boy stuff," then the damage seems minimal, despite how much it might irritate you.
I have not yet met a little girl who doesn't love the tutu and wand, or butterfly wings, or princess dresses (but they can do so and still love dirt and trains too). And I also have a son who played with purses and wanted pink shoes. I told him he could get them, but I wanted him to understand that girls usually wore them. There was no way I was going to buy more shoes if he wasn't okay with the fact that the ones he picked were typically for girls. It was his choice and I really tried not to assert any expectations. But I have to admit that I was glad (although I really tried not to show this either) he chose not to get the pink ones. I would have bought them for him if he decided he wanted them, just like I bought him that terrible bicycle helmet with the flames, but I was glad. I guess I am not as progressive as I like to think I am too.
The princess issue brings to the forefront how the influence of peers is important in a child's life. You cannot raise your child in a princess-free world. Her best friends will likely love princesses, and she may like them, too, whatever you try to keep out of your house.
Forbidding princesses is certainly a valid option, but part of making that choice is forcing your child to be put into situations in which she must explain to her friends that she is not allowed to have/play with princesses and why. I'm not saying it's a bad decision to ban princesses, but any time you make a rule that most people around your children won't follow, your child will be put in that position. At that point, it's important to give her the words to answer such questions, and no matter what choice you make about princesses, providing a language with which to interrogate gender roles and assumptions, or the myraid other issues attending the princess culture, is a positive and empowering move. (I have banned some characters that kids her age like, namely SpongeBob SquarePants, and gave her a simple and consistent answer for why--that the characters on that show yell at people and hit their friends, and we know those are bad choices.)
I have personally made the decision to allow princesses when my daughter got old enough to ask for them herself. We strike a balance by surrounding her with diverse images of fantasy and reality so that there is not a singular influence. Princesses are in her life to a point, but it's just something to play with and not a lifestyle. We also talk about fantasy--"fiction" is the word we use--and how it is different from reality but also how we learn from fantasy in various ways. There is no way that my daughter is going to ever believe that she is actually a princess and that she is entitled to royal treatment. So, I think that I have found a way that works for my own family that allows the princess concept to come in as an option for play but does not dominate her concept of reality.
We think about these things for toddler A too. Although I must say that I was raised watching Disney movies (I loved Sleeping Beauty), but I NEVER wanted princess things (I'd rather be a queen anyways--queens have more power) and I never sought out a prince charming. I also didn't play with Barbies. I had 1 barbie and I cut off all of her hair (Ken was amputated by our dog). As Academama and others have pointed out, Z will be Z.
My own sister has banned princess things and Barbies, and I've seen the issues this has caused my niece, mainly among her peers. I don't think that is the best way to deal with things at all, and frankly, I think to summarily tell Z she can't play with princesses would be a bit hypocritical since we're going out of our way to encourage Wild Man to play with toys that are coded as "girly." If she likes them, she likes them, and we'll deal with that when and if it happens. It just seems to me that it can be hard to negotiate a balance b/w the values we want to instill in our children and what values (or lack thereof) the media promotes as well as those espoused by their peers.
And I think I'd be ok with Z wanting to dress up in tutus with a wand and wear sparkly things. It is the Disney princesses that I specifically find troubling. I remember having lots of conversations with you, Sarah, about films appropriate for little kids that feature a strong female lead AND didn't involve a marriage plot. Unfortunately, there aren't many, and I think we actually own them all already.
two words: Fancy Nancy. Seriously. Check her out.
I have banned Barbies. We grudgingly allow princesses, but I totally understand the impulse to disallow them. The thing is, I had the same fear you have and I did, in fact, manage to spawn one child who is obsessed with all things frilly and fancy and sparkly. It's...weird for me. I was never into that sort of thing. My younger daughter would rather play with cars and trucks and airplanes. But Kizzy is who she is and I want her to be able to explore that.
So far, I've seen her infatuation with princesses feed her interest in art--glitter! sparkles! pretty!--her interest in medieval stories and images--I have some hanging around here. She's all about the Lady of Shalott, for instance. The interest in pretty things bleeds over into a love of pretty music and pretty words. Even her interest in certain artists, like Monet. Because of Fancy Nancy, she's learned to associate frilly and fancy and sparkly with Paris and we got to Monet from there, because she loves gardens and flowers.
I can see where it could develop into an unhealthy set of expectations as far as relationships, but if I'm being totally honest, I think the kind of relationship my husband and I model is far, far more significant as far as that goes. I figure as long as I can find ways to steer her childish interest toward avenues that can really satisfy her mind, it'll be okay.
this is what I tell myself, anyway. :) I really hear you on this one. I would so be in favor of buying the boy the pink shoes.
My children are eight. My son loved pink and frills for many years -- he still has his two dresses in his closet, even though he hasn't worn them in years. He never wanted fancy sneakers but if he had, I'm guessing I would have had spousal issues as you did. Meanwhile, the girls had a reasonable amount of interest in the Disney princess dress-up stuff, but we read lots of the original fairy tales and they never really took to the Disney movies. They still haven't seen half of them. Neither of them will even look at pink clothes anymore, both buy "boys" sneakers as often as "girls" sneakers, and while they both fielded "you're a tomboy" observations at school this year, they both consider this better than being "prissy." (Not my word, by the way. Don't know where they picked it up exactly.)
This is just to say: it's possible to raise princess-neutral kids. Probably most kids will go through a Disney phase at some point: between the books, the products, and the preschool conversations, it's inevitable. But for most girls, it will be a phase, just like all the other phases.
And fwiw, having a sister can be a liberating experience for a boy who likes pink. He gets to wear at home a lot of clothes his parents might otherwise have balked at buying for him.
Oh, and of all the gendered behaviors we've noticed over the years (the girls' much greater interest in art and drawing at an early age being the most obvious), an interesting in "fancy" or "shiny" has never been a particular dividing line in our family. I don't know why that was -- I'm not inclined to take much credit for it. As much as parents have an influence, so do all the other gift-buying relatives, and the daycare/preschool friends, and the culture at large. We cut WAY back on TV after age 3, and that's probably the only factor I think made a big difference. Between PBS and a DVR, our kids' exposure to toy commercials is virtually nonexistent.
They do have Barbies. They mostly prefer Lego. But the Barbies are fine, too.
Well, banning anything, I think, is going to pretty much guarantee that the kid will want it. And Disney princesses aren't the only princesses. There are stories about very independent princesses who aren't focused on landing a prince. I played with Barbies, though, like P-Duck, I chopped her hair. And her story lines were quite complicated (and often risque!). I love pink and sparkly things even now, but I'm also not afraid to get dirty, and I love hanging with the guys (when I have the opportunity to do so...). So, Z may love princesses, but that won't be the end of the world. She and Wild Man can share dress-up shoes :)
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