I've been organizing all of Bear's outgrown clothing and sorting through Wild Man's old clothes. I'm doing this primarily because Bear is growing so fast that at 8 months, he has already outgrown a lot of 6 to 12 month clothing. In fact, he is already wearing pajamas that Wild Man wore at 15 months--when he was walking. Bear is big! At a check-up a few weeks ago, he weighed 19 pounds 15.5 ounces--3 more pounds that Wild Man weighed at the same age. Based on the clothes he is wearing, Bear is easily 2 inches longer than Wild Man as at this age too. So I'm going through all of Wild Man's clothes to see what Bear can wear and to determine if I need to go shopping for anything.
As I was going through all the clothes, I came across the box of girl's clothes I've been hanging on to since Bear was born. As you may remember, we were told that Bear was going to be a girl. Although we were somewhat skeptical, we prepared as though Bear was a girl, so we received lots of gifts of girl clothing. When Bear was born, we were surprised, but I wasn't at all disappointed. In fact, I was a bit relieved. I felt like it made sense. Given my tumultuous relationship with my mother, I was more than a bit nervous to have a daughter. I was totally unsure that I would be able to avoid making similar mistakes. I'm not saying that boys are any easier to parent, but given my experience with Wild Man, I was more sure of my ability to effectively parent a boy. I remember thinking all of this when I packed up all the clothes that were no longer "appropriate" for Bear (although in the first days, the boy wore a lot of pink, I must say, at least until we found Wild Man's newborn clothes and got them washed!). A few friends had urged me to mourn the loss of the daughter, and while I can see the validity of that for some people, I didn't feel that need. Because I was somewhat skeptical that we were having a girl, I hadn't really invested myself in having a daughter. In fact, we were completely unable to agree on a name, and the only name we had agreed was a boy's name--the name we gave Bear.
At the time I decided to keep a lot of the clothes (I gave some away, and I did sell 2 big boxes of clothes) not because I was hoping for a girl but because we weren't sure we were done having babies. C and I decided it made sense to hang on to the clothes until we decided for sure we were done. Lately, we've been talking about having a third, and we're both feeling more certain that our family is complete for a variety of reasons. So when I opened the box of saved girl's clothes, I decided to just go through it and get rid of everything. I was totally unprepared for the sudden sadness I felt. All of a sudden I realized that I will most likely never have a daughter. While I'm ok with that, I was not expecting to tear up a little bit as I folded a brown sundress with a giraffe print that Wild Man had happily picked out sometime last spring.
(I feel it necessary to explain that I just spent 15 minutes trying to compose the last sentence. Sadness isn't exactly what I felt. In fact, I paused in writing this post to talk to C and to try to explain to him what I was thinking as I folded the tiny little girl clothes once again. Wistful may be more accurate, but even that isn't quite right. Sad isn't accurate because that suggests that I feel like I'm missing something in my life (or at least it does to me), and I don't feel that. I can't put a word to the emotion at this moment, but it was something between sad and wistful.)
6 comments:
I think I understand. And I'm very very grateful that I was spared a mistake like that (being told I was having a girl -- always my dream and then having a boy). It would have been unbearable to me, I think.
I'm very happy with the boys, though and I think it would have been extremely problematic for me to have daughters for the same reason you describe, problems with my own mom. I'd love to talk privately about this with you sometime.
I've had my own moment going through, boxing up, and donating the clothes Amelia has grown out of so quickly. For me, I knew all of my girls would be girls, so I didn't have any difference between what I prepared for and what came along later. And while I'm nearly 100% sure we're finished having children, there's still a part of me that mourns the moving away from my childbearing phase in life. I know I can still have them, biologically I can still get pregnant, but knowing that we will try to prevent that makes me sad sometimes. It's a shift in life phase, I think, that is usually discussed in terms of age (rather than decision). To say "we're done having children" seems to acknowledge a new phase that I'm not always comfortable with/in. I'm hoping to figure it out though, and find a way to come to peace with it. The fact that Amelia still doesn't usually sleep through the night helps with this!
I've been going through Toddler A's old clothes to create space for Baby B's clothes and it's been harder than I thought. I'm excited about having a boy, but also sad that some of the clothes (especially ones I once wore) won't be worn again (unless Toddler A eventually has a girl). Like Acadamama and Acadepapa, we've decided not to have more children after Baby B. Thus, I'm also feeling very sentimental about this pregnancy. It is all about life phases, isn't it? We're all moving into the next phase.
I've been going through Toddler A's old clothes to create space for Baby B's clothes and it's been harder than I thought. I'm excited about having a boy, but also sad that some of the clothes (especially ones I once wore) won't be worn again (unless Toddler A eventually has a girl). Like Acadamama and Acadepapa, we've decided not to have more children after Baby B. Thus, I'm also feeling very sentimental about this pregnancy. It is all about life phases, isn't it? We're all moving into the next phase.
When I was carrying Bear, I was adamant we were done having babies. I even made C have an appointment with our family doctor about a vasectomy. A few days after Bear was born, C asked me if I wanted him to schedule the vasectomy. I was literally speechless, and once I was able to speak I adamantly said no. Even 8 months later, I'm still not ready for him to schedule the surgery, even though it is unlikely we will have a third child.
It seems for me, knowing we're not likely to have a third child is much, much different than physically not being able to have a child. I am not ready to make the decision 100% final.
And now, it seems that neither C nor I am willing to make the decision final. After I wrote this post, I told him I was just going to give away the rest of the girl clothes. He asked why, and I said, "Well, I think we're done, right? I mean, we're not going to have a third baby. What is the point in hanging on to them?" He got very, very quiet, and said, "That is a decision we have to make together. I don't know if we're done. We need to talk about this some more."
So for now, it seems that we will be hanging onto the baby girl clothes.
We often lean towards not having kids at all. But when we sit down and seriously talk about it, neither of us are willing to completely shut that door, which is where I can relate to your reluctance to schedule appointments. Friends of ours, our age, are scheduling such appointments, and it just seems...foolish for lack of a better word to decide such a thing. At least for now.
Post a Comment