Tuesday, May 04, 2010

I need to . . .

work on my attitude. I really, really do.

C just called me to tell me that he has been invited to give a lecture at an Ivy League school by a big wig in his profession. My reaction was less than supportive. Actually, that is an understatement. I had to try really hard not to cry. Because this is my blog and because I think the people who read my blog and know me generally know that I love my husband and that I think he is super-smart and that he works really, really hard, I'm not going to go write several paragraphs about how wonderful I think C is. Instead I'm going to write what I feel.

I'm jealous of C. I'm super, crazy, insanely jealous of my husband, and I feel incredibly guilty for that. But the reality of my life is this: I want a t-t job. I want my own office. I want professional stability. I want to buy books and to go to conferences without worrying about how I'm going to pay for it. I want to be involved in a professional conversation about my field. I don't want to have to explain when someone wrote something or to discuss historical context or to correct someone's misperceptions about my field. I want to talk about my work with someone who is in my field. I want to go to a department meeting (I went to 2 last week, incidentally) and feel like I belong. I don't want to have to constantly introduce myself and I don't want to have to remind people that I teach at CU because my husband is a t-t prof while I am not. I want to feel validated professionally. I want to be able to stop selling myself. I actually want to worry about how I'm going to make tenure rather than if I'm ever going to have a t-t position.

And most of all, I want to be able to feel happy for C without thinking about myself.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

aww M. I so understand where you're coming from on this. PH just came home and told me he's going to receive a commendation from his department. I literally could not be happy, even though I think he's brilliant and great and an awesome student. I wish it were different. It isn't that I don't love him.

Anyway, I totally get it. No advice, sadly. But i do understand.

M said...

Thanks, Anastasia. That helps. It's weird isn't it? To be both proud and jealous. And jealous isn't quite the right word. To me, jealous implies that I think C doesn't deserve all the great things that are happening to him. And I totally do. As I've written before, I've been with him through this entire grad school/t-t job hunt journey. I know precisely how hard he works and how worthy he is of all the accolades. But the things that are happening for him are also things that I want to happen for me.

Inside the Philosophy Factory said...

I know the feeling and -- odly enough, I also have it going the other way.

Hubby would be happy with my job and my office etc.. When he was non-TT at the SLAC, he got more recognition and support for conference travel than I did (with tenure at the CC).

I'm finishing my dissertation before Hubby.

Hubby is getting accolades in law.

Lilian said...

oh dear... I totally hear you, not because I feel the same way about K, quite the contrary, but because I feel the same jealousy towards other people, particularly those who are successful paid bloggers or mama writers. And I don't think that feeling jealous of someone is akin to not recognizing that that person deserves the recognition they're getting. We can be aware that they are brilliant and still feel jealous.

I don't know what else to say except that you're already on the right track with the title up there. The only thing you can try to do is to work on your attitude, it's just so hard!

I'm actually relieved that I don't feel the same jealousy towards K and his academic successes. That would be extremely toxic for me and poison our relationship. I hope you can find a way to work all this out.

Anonymous said...

Hugs! You're human. And it is not a contradiction to be proud and happy and envious at the same time. Your turn is coming. Vent here all you want until you get there. And, if it helps you to think this way, maybe try your very best to let C fully enjoy his moment in the way you will want to enjoy yours. You know I love you.

M said...

Thanks, Jennie. I needed to hear that today.