What I know
- I know I am a good teacher. My last set of student evaluations were high, really high. For the 2009-2010 academic year at CU Land (a year in which I taught 4 courses in 3 departments), my average score was 6.4 out of 7, which is a full point higher than the university average.
- I love teaching. I seem to have found my groove teaching. I'm having a great time designing courses and preparing lectures. I even seem to have found a way to make professional writing enjoyable for my students.
- I am also enjoying advising students, and my students seem to be responding to me really well. I have several come to me for advice throughout the year, and I've even had a few request to work with me on the Master's Projects now that they are in the grad programs at CU. Unfortunately, because I'm only considered part-time, I can't work with graduate students.
- I am happy with my teaching, but I'm considerably less happy with the uncertainty of my position. I've had several conversations with the head of the Writing Department and the head of the English Department. Both seem interested in having me on their faculties in a more permanent way. For a variety of reasons, it isn't going to work out in Women's Studies. I'm not great at advocating for myself. I'm not great at selling myself or at "schmoozing," even though I know I need to do this in order to get what I want.
- I've figured out how to balance my teaching with my family, and I'm happy with this, very happy. I'm at a point where (Summer teaching aside) I rarely have to do work at home. I am able to focus on my boys, and I love that.
- As much as I love teaching, I'm growing increasingly frustrated by my limited time to do any of my own work. I've written nothing, literally, since I graduated last August. I have stacks of books checked out, and I've written some notes on how I want to revise two of my chapters. I even have contacted an editor at a reputable press, but I haven't had time to write.
- C is doing really well. He seems to have gotten a really great handle on how to do research. He's been awarded 3 grants since he has been at CU; he's given two invited lectures and has been asked to give another at an Ivy League school; and he's submitted two articles for publication (1 has been accepted, and he's waiting to hear about the second). Oh, and he's submitted a book prospectus and received a letter of interest from the publisher. He is currently working on the first chapter and has a clear plan to have a draft of the book done in 18 months.
- We're happy in CU Land. We're still struggling a bit with making friends, but things are getting better.
- That's what I know.
- I'm not certain I want a tenure track job at an R1, which is what CU is. C and I have a handle on me being the "teacher," and him being the "researcher." When he needs time on the weekends to work, we have found a way to balance that. I'm not sure we can handle two "researchers" and still manage our family as well as we do.
- I'm not sure I want to be a "researcher." I don't feel very successful at it right now. As I wrote above, I have a lot of confidence in my teaching. When I present at conferences, I get a lot of positive feedback, but I haven't had time to revise anything and submit for publication. I also feel like I live in a bit of black hole right now. I have no one to talk to about my work. It has been really hard to meet people in the English department, and the people I've met in the Writing department aren't in my field. I miss being part of an intellectual community, and I'm not great at introducing myself to people (see "schmoozing" point above).
- I don't know if I want to deal with all the BS that accompanies a tenure track appointment. I see a lot of the stuff that C has to deal with, and while I want more job security, I don't have to deal with committees or departmental politics at all. Well, okay, not at all, but only in a very limited way. I fully realize that I also don't get a lot of the benefits that accompany a tenure track appointment.
- I don't know if I'm done having children. There I also finally admitted that. My feelings on this are so conflicted and are also very tied up in my identity as a female academic and a feminist. On so many ways I would love to have a third child, but I don't know if we can balance a third child with an academic lifestyle. I feel like a third child is absolutely out of the question if I get a tenure track job, especially at CU Land. I feel like I have to choose my career over my family, at least with this decision. I also feel like I won't be taken seriously as an academic if I have 3 children. In all honesty, I feel like I'm pushing it with 2 children. There are lots of other factors wrapped up in this, but these are some of the driving issues.
6 comments:
It's odd and interesting that PH and I have the same sense of ourselves--me as teacher, him as researcher. I'm trying to get my research life together right now but I don't feel like I know how to do that. I'm working on it but we already have a pretty solid sense that he excels at research and me at teaching.
In part, I think this has to do with time and resources. Ever since I had kids, I don't the kind of time I need to focus on research. He does, on the other hand, because I'm the primary caregiver. I always have been. Even with him as graduate student and me as adjunct, I'm the primary caregiver.
I don't know what to do about that. I'd like to become at least competent as a researcher? Working on it.
As for a third kid, this is one reason I'm glad to be in religion. Religiously affiliated schools--especially the catholic variety--seem to be more accepting culturally of bigger families. The dean at my newest job (a seminary) has three kids.
But I think you're right in general and certainly for an R1, two kids is probably pushing it.
I'm glad I had three because I knew I really wanted three. I feel content with my family now and ready to make the best of what I can as far as the career goes. An R1 is probably out but I'm okay with that. I think I can make a go of another kind of institution.
I was also going to say that my experience is that things move reaaallly slooooowwwwllly in academia but it doesn't mean they won't happen. You're impermanent now but it's still plausible that a lectureship or something could come through.
At my local R1 the women tend to not have children at all. The men had children (2-3) but it was pretty clear their non-academic wives did the bulk of the caregiving. At the Private College I worked at a small handful of people had children. My chair was very accommodating towards parents but that's unusual.
Even w/o kids, I understand the teaching/research conflicts. I feel like I'm a great teacher. My chair has observed me and stated the same and students often comment about liking my class. My evals are great. I love the energy of the classroom. I don't like research, even though I know it'll help me land something more permanent. My husband on the other hand is obviously the researcher of the two of us. It's not even a matter of who has time, but just that he actually enjoys the whole process.
I really appreciate your honesty in this post. I've been trying to piece together what I want from life a d it's refreshing to see someone be so direct about her own struggles. I haven't been able to clearly put out my thoughts about having children.
For me, the teaching/research conflict is relatively new. Since we began this academic journey, we've assumed I would be the researcher, and C would be the teacher (for a variety of reasons I'm not sure I can explain).
He landed a job at an R1 largely b/c of his teaching experience. His department needed someone who could do a little bit of everything, and he can, in fact, do that. They also so him as attractive b/c he managed to balance a 4-4 load while finishing his dissertation and publishing two articles. He's done well here, and the grant he has received prove his research is valuable.
I love doing research and writing, I really do. But given all the teaching I've been doing, I haven't privileged my research over time with my family, and I seriously doubt that is something I'll ever do. I do know that it is possible to have a family at an R1, at least at this R1 (the Canadian system seems to be somewhat more humane than the American system). Lots of the friends we've made have children, and most of the academic couples we know have two. None, however, have three.
I'm still wading through all of this. I love what I do, but I also love being a mom. I'm not sure that I believe, however, it is possible to "have it all." I rather think it is really hard to "do it all" and to do it all well.
See there it is. I don't buy that one can "have it all" either. But my husband insists that it's possible. I just can't imagine it and I think you nailed why--I wouldn't be doing it all well. And I'm too much of a perfectionist to be ok with that.
RL, here is the more salient question for me: do I want to do it all?
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