A rough morning

Today Wild Man and Bear started the first in a series of day camps.  Wild Man was excited.  He anticipated seeing old friends (he went to the same program last year), and he was really excited to make new friends.  He happily put his lunch box in his back pack, let me put sunscreen on him, and climbed into the car.  Bear, well, Bear was more hesitant.  You see, to prepare him for JK, Archer and I decided to take him out of daycare (the same daycare he's been attending since he was 6 months old) and send him to day camp with Wild Man.  We've been talking about this with him for months, and some days he is really excited. Other days, not so much. 

Yesterday, Bear helped me label all his things, and he told me what he wanted in his lunch box.  We made a special trip to the store so he could pick out containers that he can open easily.  We discussed how he needed to make all his food last for both lunch and afternoon snack.  Wild Man assured Bear that he would help him.  We talked about how all the kids get to go swimming in the afternoon, and I showed him where I put his towel and suit.  He said he didn't want to go swimming, and Archer assured him that was okay.  I said, we'll tell your camp teacher.  You can sit out and watch the other kids till you're more comfortable.  He seemed okay with that.  In fact, he seemed okay until we got to camp.  Wild Man, who is our social guy, quickly found three kids he knew, and he found a spot where he could sit with Bear.  He encouraged Bear to sit beside him, and he even offered to hold his hand.  Bear, however, was having none of it.  I literally had to peel him off of me.  I took him to a quiet spot and reminded him that his teachers have my phone number and his dad's.  I also reminded him that we're only 5 minutes away (the day camps are held on CU's campus) and that his dad was going to have lunch with them today.  He told me that he didn't want to go and refused to let go of me.  Finally, one of the teachers, a very nice young man, came over and introduced himself to Bear.  He told Bear how much fun they were going to have, and then he took Bear from me, who started crying at that point.  I hugged him one more time, and then Archer and I left.  As we drove away, we saw Bear sitting in his teacher's lap trying not to cry, while Wild Man rubbed his back. 

I'm struggling to get any work done this morning as I keep thinking about Bear.  He does not handle new situations well, which is precisely why we wanted him to go to camp to prepare for JK. I hope that the day improves for him, and that he grows to like camp.  I'm worrying about next Monday because the boys are in different programs starting next week.  Really, I just want to go find my kid and hug him.  I really hate it when I know I've made the right decision for my child, but that decision makes my child upset.

Struggling

I am struggling a bit lately. I'm no longer certain who I am professionally. I'm no longer 100% certain what I want out of my professional life. There I said it. So what does that mean? I'm going to break this down into two categories.

What I know

• I know I am a good teacher. My last set of student evaluations were high, really high. For the 2009-2010 academic year at CU Land (a year in which I taught 4 courses in 3 departments), my average score was 6.4 out of 7, which is a full point higher than the university average.
• I love teaching. I seem to have found my groove teaching. I'm having a great time designing courses and preparing lectures. I even seem to have found a way to make professional writing enjoyable for my students.
• I am also enjoying advising students, and my students seem to be responding to me really well. I have several come to me for advice throughout the year, and I've even had a few request to work with me on the Master's Projects now that they are in the grad programs at CU. Unfortunately, because I'm only considered part-time, I can't work with graduate students.
• I am happy with my teaching, but I'm considerably less happy with the uncertainty of my position. I've had several conversations with the head of the Writing Department and the head of the English Department. Both seem interested in having me on their faculties in a more permanent way. For a variety of reasons, it isn't going to work out in Women's Studies. I'm not great at advocating for myself. I'm not great at selling myself or at "schmoozing," even though I know I need to do this in order to get what I want.
• I've figured out how to balance my teaching with my family, and I'm happy with this, very happy. I'm at a point where (Summer teaching aside) I rarely have to do work at home. I am able to focus on my boys, and I love that.
• As much as I love teaching, I'm growing increasingly frustrated by my limited time to do any of my own work. I've written nothing, literally, since I graduated last August. I have stacks of books checked out, and I've written some notes on how I want to revise two of my chapters. I even have contacted an editor at a reputable press, but I haven't had time to write.
• C is doing really well. He seems to have gotten a really great handle on how to do research. He's been awarded 3 grants since he has been at CU; he's given two invited lectures and has been asked to give another at an Ivy League school; and he's submitted two articles for publication (1 has been accepted, and he's waiting to hear about the second). Oh, and he's submitted a book prospectus and received a letter of interest from the publisher. He is currently working on the first chapter and has a clear plan to have a draft of the book done in 18 months.
• We're happy in CU Land. We're still struggling a bit with making friends, but things are getting better.
  
• That's what I know.

What I don't know

• I'm not certain I want a tenure track job at an R1, which is what CU is. C and I have a handle on me being the "teacher," and him being the "researcher." When he needs time on the weekends to work, we have found a way to balance that. I'm not sure we can handle two "researchers" and still manage our family as well as we do.
• I'm not sure I want to be a "researcher." I don't feel very successful at it right now. As I wrote above, I have a lot of confidence in my teaching. When I present at conferences, I get a lot of positive feedback, but I haven't had time to revise anything and submit for publication. I also feel like I live in a bit of black hole right now. I have no one to talk to about my work. It has been really hard to meet people in the English department, and the people I've met in the Writing department aren't in my field. I miss being part of an intellectual community, and I'm not great at introducing myself to people (see "schmoozing" point above).
• I don't know if I want to deal with all the BS that accompanies a tenure track appointment. I see a lot of the stuff that C has to deal with, and while I want more job security, I don't have to deal with committees or departmental politics at all. Well, okay, not at all, but only in a very limited way. I fully realize that I also don't get a lot of the benefits that accompany a tenure track appointment.
• I don't know if I'm done having children. There I also finally admitted that. My feelings on this are so conflicted and are also very tied up in my identity as a female academic and a feminist. On so many ways I would love to have a third child, but I don't know if we can balance a third child with an academic lifestyle. I feel like a third child is absolutely out of the question if I get a tenure track job, especially at CU Land. I feel like I have to choose my career over my family, at least with this decision. I also feel like I won't be taken seriously as an academic if I have 3 children. In all honesty, I feel like I'm pushing it with 2 children. There are lots of other factors wrapped up in this, but these are some of the driving issues.

This is where I am today. This is all quite likely to change tomorrow or as soon as I publish this post. I'm struggling. I acknowledge that. I don't know if there are any definite answers for me, at least at this point. I'm constantly thinking about these things, and I think I will be considering these for a long time to come.

A great start

Summer school starts at CU today, so C is, once again, the primary caregiver again. Because of my schedule (I teach from 4:30 till 6:30) he will pick the boys up from school, give them dinner, and get them ready for bed on his own. I'll get home just in time to help put them to bed. This will be the norm for 6 weeks. I'm not feeling great about this schedule as I also teach a class from 11 to 1. I feel like I won't see my family during the week for 6 weeks. It makes me feel so blech that I had a good cry about it on Saturday night, which was supposed to be our date night. It was really romantic, let me tell you.

I am feeling very conflicted about my career and motherhood lately, and given my most recent post about my jealousy over C's recent career success, I'm feeling more than a bit like a hypocrite. I'm sure I'll be blogging about this in the next few weeks, when I have time that is.

For now, I'm trying to finish prepping for the first day of class and waiting to hear from C about Bear's doctor's appointment. Bear's been running a fever since Saturday night and is so crabby that I'm beginning to think someone kidnapped my laid back baby and replaced him with an evil clone.

*I just got a call from C. The doctor thinks Bear has strep throat, so C's off to the drugstore to get a script for antibiotics filled. I hope he starts feeling better soon.