not to be annoyed with either C or his mom right now, I really am. This visit has gone well, aside from the requisite passive-aggressive comments, and I don't want to be the one who ends it on a bad note. That said, I would like to strangle my husband, something that I don't often want to do. Why do you ask? For once, I'd like him to stand up to his mother and say no.
Before Yetta even arrived we had planned to take Friday off, take Wild Man out of school, and drive down to Mid-west City for the day. Our primary motivation is doing this is that Yetta's flies out of MW City on Saturday morning at 9:00 am, necessitating that we either stay overnight in MW City or she and C get up at 4 in the morning to leave. She offered to pay for a hotel room, so we decided to stay overnight. When this was originally planned we decided we'd either go to the Science Center or the zoo in MW City, both things Wild Man will enjoy. Since Yetta has been here, however, she has mentioned (rather passively-aggressively) that she'd like to explore some of the towns on the border. Here is how she does this: "Those little towns look so quaint. I wonder what they are like. Do you know?" or "I'd really like to see some of the area. But I don't guess it would be much fun for Wild Man to just drive around, now would it?" At which point, I am supposed to say, "Sure, we'll just strap him into the car for 10 hours while we wander all over and you can tell us when you want to stop. Then when you want to get out and look at antique shops I'll stay in the car with him so he doesn't destroy the store. We are here to serve you, Yetta." But I haven't; in fact, I haven't said a damn thing. If she wants to be passive-aggressive, I figure I will be to. I've just smiled and ignored her.
Last night as C and I were getting Wild Man ready for bed, I asked him if we had a definite plan for Friday. He said, "Well, I think Mom wants to drive around some of the border towns for a while before we head into MW City for the night. I guess that is what we'll do." I wanted to strangle him. I said "I thought we'd talked about the zoo or the Science Center, since those are things Wild Man will like. I don't want to strap him into the car all day long, C." He responded "I know, M, but Mom really can't walk that far, and if we go to those places, we'll end up chasing Wild Man while she sits on a bench somewhere. I want to spend some time with her before she leaves." And I said, "Fine, then we'll just stay in CU Land for most of the day. You can take me to the library so I can work, and we can take Wild Man to school. We can leave for MW City around 3:30, have a nice dinner, and hang out in the hotel room for the evening. That gives you and your mom all day to hang out and do whatever you'd like." He said nothing, but his body language made it clear that this wasn't want either he or his mom had in mind. Am I being a bit unreasonable? Sure. Wild Man would survive a day in the car, although he'd be really cranky by the end of it.
But here's the thing that gets me so irritated: I feel like C never tells his mother no. NEVER. Sure, he tells her "no, Wild Man can't eat that," or "no, Wild Man doesn't need another toy." But he never says, "I'm sorry, Mom, but M and I have already made our plans and we're not going to change them because you've changed your mind." Instead he says to me, "It's just easier to go along with her than to fight her," which is why she feels like she can dictate whatever she wants. I cannot even count how many times I have had to change plans with my family or my friends because Yetta has decided she has to be in control. Holiday dinners are always at her house, and if we're in town, we're expected to be there. My family may or may not be invited, and if they aren't invited, they are expected to make their plans around Yetta's plans, ensuring we attend both dinners. She has never once waited to find out what my family is going to do before she plans her various holiday extravaganzas; she has never once given my parents the opportunity to host a holiday dinner. On the few occasions we've traveled to my grandparents (who are in the 80s and in poor health) for a holiday, she has tried to invite herself to those events, saying things like "M's mother is going to be there; why can't I?" To which I, not C, say, "Well, of course, my mom's is going to be there; they are her parents!" And really, I'm not angry at Yetta. I'm angry at C because he lets her do it. There are no consequences for her at all. When she acts like a spoiled child, which she can do, he gives in--something he never, never does with Wild Man, I might add. And frankly, I'm tired of it.
What happens tomorrow remains to be seen, and apparently I have more built up anger about this particular issue than I realized. I just want C and Yetta to understand that it is a bit unreasonable to expect a 2-year-old to be happy to spend the day driving around, looking at fall foliage, and antiquing. I'd also like C to understand that the world won't come to an end if he says no to his mother, and I'd like her to know the same thing.
7 comments:
Sounds to me like you're being totally fair. Seriously, who wants to ride around with a cranky kid strapped in a car seat all day? The idea of family togetherness for the day may be nice, but the actual practice under those circumstances sounds not so great.
I think you have a reasonable solution -- no drama, they get mother-son time, and you all get family time in the evening.
As you know, I can completely empathize with your situation. Most of the time, hubby realizes that it's his job, not mine, to "run block" with his mother. I'm the one he sleeps with every night and lives with every day, not his mother. Instead of seeing it as a situation of being easier to go along with his mother than to fight her, C should realize that it's actually an issue of being fair to the people with whom he shares his daily life: you and Wild Man.
When it's all said and done, his mom can get pissed off, but he doesn't have to live with her. For what it's worth, I think you're being completely reasonable and fair.
Do C and Yetta have any idea how you honestly feel, not about this particular plan, but about this pattern of behavior? Not just that you are annoyed, but about why it is you feel annoyed? Because although I agree you are not being unreasonable here, if they are not fully aware of why this pattern is so irritating to you, then from their perspectives they are not actually being unreasonable either. Perhaps if they don't truly know, you can bend to their plan but use it as an opportunity to have a discussion explaining your perspective and hopefully preventing this from happening again. Maybe you can compromise, agreeing to stop in just one town and have Wild Man be C's responsibility to manage when the environment isn't appropriate for toddlers? If Wild Man is unhappy in the car, everyone is going to know about it and, well, that would just make me gloat. If this type of communication is the equivalent of a broken record for you guys, go to the library and take comfort in the fact that your MIL must fly in to visit. I have an in-law trip looming in the spring and while I'm quick with the dispensing of advice, I'm not so good with practicing what I preach! These things are hard. That's why we moved a plane ride away from NJ.
I completely agree with the previous comments, for whatever it's worth. Hang in there, my dear. Only one more day. I totally understand you feeling a bit marginalized-by both C and Yetta. Why do family politics have to be so damn difficult?
C does know that I feel this way, as does Yetta. At the very least, she knows that I'm not going to be thrilled about locking Wild Man in the car so she can take in a whole lot of Canadian scenery. I have explicitly said to her on multiple occasions that driving in the car for the entire day is not my idea of family time or fun. C knows that I want him to stand up to his mother, but I really think he sees it as the lesser of two evils. Sure, I'm going to get pissed, but I will, eventually, get over it (although the anger I exhibited in this post does suggest that I'm holding onto a bit more of it than I realize). I have told him that I don't think the path of least resistance, which is how he tends to deal with his family, is the most effective. I'm a firm believer that you can only changes others' behavior by changing your own. Thus, until C stands up to his mom, she's going to continue to do things the way she has for years. And while I have tried to talk to her about her unreasonable expectations rationally, I have found it pointless. I get branded the "ungrateful daughter-in-law," and she dismisses anything I say. I'm going to take everyone's great advice and be proactive--C and I, as parents, need to decide what we think will be the best activity for Wild Man (and Jennie, your compromise suggestion is a good one).
If the above compromises don't work -- then why not opt out for you and Wild Man? C and his mother can have the trip and you two can do something fun... It may make the point to C about standing up to his mother on behalf of you and especially Wild Man.
I feel like I'm reading about my husband and MIL... argh.
I'm glad you opted out of the trip. You protected yourself and Wild Man, while leaving C to learn to take care of himself.
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