Warning: Unpleasantness Ahead

I want to begin this post first by writing that I am about to be uncharitable. I'm about to write about something that really, really annoys me, so if you don't want to read me be annoyed, stop now. I also want to say that I do realize that I live in Canada. Now for the real post.

I'm really, really tired of getting phone calls from relatives saying, "I want to buy Wild Man and Bear a gift, but instead, I'm just going to send you money so you can buy it for them. Be sure to buy X, as I think they will really enjoy this. Or, you can just buy them whatever you think they will like and/or need. Oh, and also be sure to take pictures of them using the gift from me that you bought for them from me and send me those pictures. Oh, and make sure your 3-year-old understands that the money being used to buy the gift is from me, not you. In fact, I expect a lengthy phone call from your 3-year-old telling me how excited he is to play with/wear the thing you bought him with my money. Incidentally, start prepping the baby for this too, as I will make comparable demands of him as son as he is able to understand the concept of a gift."

In all seriousness, I really appreciate that people want to give the boys gifts. I also appreciate that I live in Canada and shipping things here can be bit of a hassle, but really, it is neither that difficult nor that expensive to ship things here. I mean, one could buy stuff from the Canadian version of Amazon and ship a gift to the boys. It also isn't that difficult to go buy a gift, package it, and take it to the post office and ship it to Canada. I also appreciate that people want to buy the boys gifts they will like, but again, is it so hard to say, "Hey M and C, I want to buy the boys a gift. What do Bear and Wild Man like right now?" I generally say, "Well, Wild Man is really into dinosaurs, and Bear is into Little People. But both boys play with lots of different things. They both also like books, especially Wild Man. They will likely be happy with whatever you want to give them." I find this type of gift giving lazy and annoying. The purpose of giving a gift, at least in my mind, is to show that you have put some thought into buying the gift. The purpose is not to make my life more difficult.

Oh, and no, buying a gift card isn't any more helpful. They aren't teenagers. They don't enjoy going to a store and picking something out, and especially with Wild Man, taking him to a store and allowing him to pick something out could easily lead to a meltdown. They are easy to buy for. Ok, I'm finished being unpleasant for awhile.

More Home Improvements

We recently purchased an electric fireplace, and while I think it is so very tacky, I've enjoyed the extra warmth it has provided to the main floor of the house. I've also enjoyed the reduction to our monthly energy bill as the tacky fireplace is much more efficient than our outdated baseboard heaters. This concludes the home improvement posts for today.

Renovations

Our kitchen is almost done! Here are some shots of our new cabinets. Pay particular attention to our lovely wooden counter tops! We haven't decided what kind of material we want to use, and C and I are currently debating having them installed versus installing them ourselves. Can you guess which method I'm advocating?

Babies, Clothes, and Little Girls

I've been organizing all of Bear's outgrown clothing and sorting through Wild Man's old clothes. I'm doing this primarily because Bear is growing so fast that at 8 months, he has already outgrown a lot of 6 to 12 month clothing. In fact, he is already wearing pajamas that Wild Man wore at 15 months--when he was walking. Bear is big! At a check-up a few weeks ago, he weighed 19 pounds 15.5 ounces--3 more pounds that Wild Man weighed at the same age. Based on the clothes he is wearing, Bear is easily 2 inches longer than Wild Man as at this age too. So I'm going through all of Wild Man's clothes to see what Bear can wear and to determine if I need to go shopping for anything.

As I was going through all the clothes, I came across the box of girl's clothes I've been hanging on to since Bear was born. As you may remember, we were told that Bear was going to be a girl. Although we were somewhat skeptical, we prepared as though Bear was a girl, so we received lots of gifts of girl clothing. When Bear was born, we were surprised, but I wasn't at all disappointed. In fact, I was a bit relieved. I felt like it made sense. Given my tumultuous relationship with my mother, I was more than a bit nervous to have a daughter. I was totally unsure that I would be able to avoid making similar mistakes. I'm not saying that boys are any easier to parent, but given my experience with Wild Man, I was more sure of my ability to effectively parent a boy. I remember thinking all of this when I packed up all the clothes that were no longer "appropriate" for Bear (although in the first days, the boy wore a lot of pink, I must say, at least until we found Wild Man's newborn clothes and got them washed!). A few friends had urged me to mourn the loss of the daughter, and while I can see the validity of that for some people, I didn't feel that need. Because I was somewhat skeptical that we were having a girl, I hadn't really invested myself in having a daughter. In fact, we were completely unable to agree on a name, and the only name we had agreed was a boy's name--the name we gave Bear.

At the time I decided to keep a lot of the clothes (I gave some away, and I did sell 2 big boxes of clothes) not because I was hoping for a girl but because we weren't sure we were done having babies. C and I decided it made sense to hang on to the clothes until we decided for sure we were done. Lately, we've been talking about having a third, and we're both feeling more certain that our family is complete for a variety of reasons. So when I opened the box of saved girl's clothes, I decided to just go through it and get rid of everything. I was totally unprepared for the sudden sadness I felt. All of a sudden I realized that I will most likely never have a daughter. While I'm ok with that, I was not expecting to tear up a little bit as I folded a brown sundress with a giraffe print that Wild Man had happily picked out sometime last spring.

(I feel it necessary to explain that I just spent 15 minutes trying to compose the last sentence. Sadness isn't exactly what I felt. In fact, I paused in writing this post to talk to C and to try to explain to him what I was thinking as I folded the tiny little girl clothes once again. Wistful may be more accurate, but even that isn't quite right. Sad isn't accurate because that suggests that I feel like I'm missing something in my life (or at least it does to me), and I don't feel that. I can't put a word to the emotion at this moment, but it was something between sad and wistful.)

JK Open House and Other Musings on Wild Man

Yesterday we attended the open house for Wild Man's Junior Kindergarten program. As I've written about here, choosing the right JK program for Wild Man was not easy for us. It was complicated for all the usual reasons, but the fact that we are Americans living in Canada made it even more complex. We ultimately chose to send him to the school that is affiliated with the university's daycare. While convenience played some role in our decision (his daycare teachers will actually walk him to and from JK every day), we primarily chose the school because it is 1 of the top 5 elementary schools in our province.

That said, when C and I toured it the day we registered Wild Man, we left feeling a bit uncertain about our decision. I think most of that uncertainty stemmed from the reality that we had just registered our 3-year-old for Junior Kindergarten. Even though we have a much better understanding of the Canadian school system now, we're still finding it hard to separate what we know about kindergarten (as in, you go to kindergarten when you are 5, not 3 or even 3 and 3/4s, as Wild Man will be when he starts JK in September) with what Wild Man will experience in JK. So we went to yesterday's Open House as much for us as we did for Wild Man. We wanted some sort of understanding of what his day will be like and what the program requires of him. We met the teachers and toured the rooms. Wild Man had an opportunity to explore the room and ask questions. He also discovered that many of his friends from daycare will be attending JK at the school too. Wild Man left excited and happy, and C and I left relieved. In fact as we walked to the car, he looked at me and said, "Ok, now I know we made the right decision." I agree completely. Now that we've had an opportunity to talk to the teachers, I realize Wild Man is prepared for this, and he will benefit from the experience, even at his relatively young age. I am still somewhat concerned about how he will handle the transition come September.

While I've always been acutely aware that Wild Man is a lot like me, I've become even more aware of that fact recently. As C has told me every time I've expressed concern about Wild Man's similarities to me, this means he has a lot of good qualities. Like me, Wild Man is empathetic, sensitive, caring, and gentle. He is also assertive, out-spoken, and independent. These are the qualities I like most about myself, and I am very pleased that Wild Man shares them with me. But, like me, Wild Man also has a tendency to be overly anxious and easily over-stimulated or overwhelmed. Further, while his sensitivity and empathy for others means that he has the ability to feel for others, it also means he picks up on everything.

For example, C and I were both stressed out about the whole process of choosing a school for Wild Man, and we spoke about it in front of him several times. One night he couldn't go to sleep because he'd heard us talking. When I checked on him and asked why he was awake an hour after bedtime, he told me, "I made you and Daddy worry about my school. Mommy, I don't want you to worry about me." My 3-year-old was worried that I was worrying about his future too much. I gave him a long hug and tried my best to reassure him that it wasn't his fault that I was worried. I also tried to explain that I'm the grown-up and that C and I want him to be a kid and to not worry about grown-up things. I'm not sure he understood, but he did relax and went to sleep soon after.

On some level, I love that he wants to take care of me, but I want him to understand that isn't his job. And as I was the kid who worried about everything, I feel like I've passed this on to him. My parents never took the time to help me understand that I didn't need to worry about everything or that it wasn't my responsibility to worry about money or illness or other grown-up things. I want to try to explain that to Wild Man. I want him to be a kid. I don't want him to feel like an adult at 10, which is how I felt. I want him to know it is ok to be a little boy.

Wild Man's first open house

Tonight we will be attending an open house for Wild Man's Junior Kindergarten program. C and I tried to explain it to him this morning, and he was a bit distraught, as he didn't quite understand that he would continue to go to his current school while also going to JK. Having an open house in March when the program starts in September seems very, very early to me. I mean, I doubt Wild Man will remember all of this come September. As for me, I'm alternately excited and sad at the idea. It hardly seems possible that he is old enough for JK.

Teaching

I just want to write that I totally love my English class. Given the structure of CU, I've been teaching the same class since September, so I've really gotten to know these students. And these are some bright, considerate, thinking individuals. I was uncertain about teaching a year long course, but now I love it. I think the method has a lot of pedagogical merit, and I can't wait to teach another one.

Job, blah, blah, blah

Last week I had a meeting with Dr. Feminist to discuss my future in the department. I updated her on the current situation, including the fact that Dr. Nice Guy has had several conversations with the Dean. I made this appointment at Dr. Nice Guy's suggestion. He was concerned that if he was the only person speaking with the Dean about our situation that we didn't have a very strong case. So I asked the hard question: "Have you spoken to the dean about a more permanent position?" I really hated asking this question, but I have to say, I was a bit floored by her response, which was, essentially, "No, I haven't because I didn't realize you wanted a more permanent position." Now I feel like I've been really up front with Dr. Feminist--I've told her we were hoping for a partner placement, that I'd be happy to keep working in her department, that I'd be happy with a visiting position, that I'd take a joint appointment in Women's Studies and another department (I currently teach in three departments), and that I'm on the market. I now realize that I never specifically asked her if she'd speak to the dean, but given that Women's Studies is seriously short handed (only 2 full-time profs and 5 joint appointed profs and about 600 majors as well as a brand new MA and a Ph.D. program), I didn't realize I had to. Sigh. I feel a bit stupid and a bit annoyed.

So she happily agreed to speak with the dean. We'll see what happens.

Um, Seriously?

Ok, this is getting a bit extreme. Since we've been back in CU Land, Yetta has called C several times. The first time I answered the phone even though as soon as I saw her number on the caller id I considered not answering. She asked some fairly random questions, and the conversation lasted about 2 minutes. I knew she wanted to talk to C, but C was sitting in the car with Bear who had fallen asleep in his car seat (once he falls asleep in his car seat, he could sleep for 2 hours, but there is no chance of transferring from his car seat to his crib without him waking up. To keep him asleep one of us will work in the car while the other hangs out with Wild Man or works in the house), so I didn't ask her if she wanted to talk to him. Oh, and I also knew C didn't want to talk to her. Since then she's called his office several times, and each time he's either been out or had students and hasn't been able to answer. I'm sort of curious why she keeps calling his office, which she never does. We know it isn't an emergency because if it were se'd also call his cell phone and the home phone. I think she's calling his office because she thinks she'll be able to talk to him without me around or because she's afraid I won't tell him she's called. I have to admit I'm sort of amused by C's unwillingness to talk to his mom right now. I know it won't last, but for now, I'll take some enjoyment out of it.

We have returned

We got back to CU Land on Sunday after spending a week in Home State with our families. For the most part, we had a good trip. I made a conscious effort to be relaxed and not to focus on fairly minor things. My parents also made an effort to plan for having 4 extra people in the house. My mom had stocked up on groceries, and my dad cooked two of the three nights we were with them. The fourth we had salad and ordered pizza, which was totally fine. The biggest issue we had during our stay with my parents was that Bear caught a cold the day before we left, and he was running a fever between 100 and 102 for much of the time we were with my mom and dad. As long as he had medicine in him, he was fine, but the minute the medicine wore off and the fever returned he was, well, a bear. C ended up sleeping in my parents' recliner holding Bear upright for several hours a night, and I ended up getting up early with him. All in all it was a minor illness, and by mid-week, Bear was fever-free and feeling better. It was really great to spend time with my parents.

Seeing Yetta was another issue altogether. In an attempt to be positive, I have decided not to blog about the drama that occurred on the day before we left. Suffice to say, there was drama, though, and it involved a thoughtless comment on her part coupled with my attempt to be mature and tell her that the comment, which was apparently intended as a "joke," hurt my feelings. The resulting conversation was not pretty (once again, I was labeled as ungrateful, impossible, and malicious), and it ended with C so angry that he is still not speaking to his mother. I was not in the room for much of the conversation as I removed myself and the boys once the shouting commenced, but I did hear C shout something to the effect of "You don't want to put me in a position to choose between you and my wife because you will not be happy with my choice." Luckily Bear was oblivious to it all, but Wild Man was angry. He only understood that his mommy was upset and his daddy was shouting. I had to physically restrain him from leaving the back of the house to give his Yetta a lecture "for hurting my mommy and daddy's feelings." He told me at least 3 times that he would "take care of it, Mommy. I will go put Yetta in time out for being unkind to you and my daddy." I managed to distract him with packing as I knew his presence would have only aggravated the situation--somehow Wild Man's reaction would have been blamed on me, even though I told him nothing about what was going on.

I've been thinking about these sorts of arguments and how they routinely occur during our trips to Home State. Every visit we've made since C's dad died has ended with a similar argument, and these arguments always seem to happen either the day before we leave to go home or the day we leave Yetta's house to go stay with my parents. I think she starts an argument because she is wholly unable to discuss her sadness that we're leaving. I really want to tell her that we'd all be much happier if she could only say, "I'm so sad you're leaving. I wish I could see you all more often," rather than pick a fight as a way to express her emotions. I could deal with that honesty. I can't deal with passive-aggressive comments that are meant to tell me I'm a bad mother-wife-daughter-in-law who is constantly manipulating to keep her son and grandsons away from her.

Aside from that, the trip went really well. Wild Man fell in love with his cousin J, who is only 14-months older than he is. They spent all day Friday and Saturday of the visit playing, and they gave each other a very long hug good-bye on Saturday night. Seeing them together almost makes me want to move closer--almost.

Packing

Packing for 2 adults, 1 pre-schooler, and 1 infant is reason enough never to leave the house!

Being a Grown-up

So rather than just complain and expect the worse with the family trip, I've decided to be a grown-up. I just called my mom and asked her if she could go to the grocery store before we get there. She was a bit taken aback, but she agreed. I gave her a short list of some things that Wild Man likes, most of which are not things she keeps in the house. I also told her that C and I would be happy to cook while we're there (my parents don't cook much anymore, and I've decided just to accept that fact rather than thinking it has something to do with me) as long as she'll buy the groceries before hand. So she'll have stuff on hand for nutritious meals that we will cook, and we won't be scrambling for things to feed Wild Man. I think this is a more effective tactic than waiting till we get there and getting annoyed with my parents.

A trip to Home State

On Sunday, we're traveling to Home State to visit our families for Reading Week (what CU calls Spring Break. It falls way too early here to be called anything close to Spring Break.). I have to admit that I am not remotely excited to be going to visit our families, and as soon as we booked the tickets I regretted our decision. Why do you ask? Primarily because I could use a week of uninterrupted work. The boys' daycare will be open during Reading Week (or at least T-F), so if we had stayed in CU Land, I could have actually gotten some work done. But I'm also not looking forward to all the family drama that is likely to take place. And even if there is no drama (ok, even if there is minimal drama) there will still be catty comments and lots of frustrations.

So why are we going? Well, we haven't been to Home State in over a year. My dad, C's brother, and our nephews have not yet met Bear. I haven't seen my childhood best friend (we've been friends since we were 8, and seeing her is the one thing I'm excited about) in 2 years. And Yetta was constantly asking, "When are you coming home?" Add to that the fact that C will be in Home State in March to give a lecture at our undergrad alma mater, and there was no way we could work a trip to Home State for all 4 of us mid-semester and mid-week. Going now seemed like a good idea a few weeks ago. But, as I've said, traveling to see our families is always fraught with tension, and quite frankly, a lot of it is due to the idiotic machinations and manipulations of C's mother and my mother's complete inability to plan or socialize. For example, last night I called my mom to give her our flight information since she's picking us up at the airport (my dad works at the end of the week, so we're spending the first part of the week with my family). I told her that Yetta wants to come by her house sometime on Sunday to see the boys, and I then added that maybe Yetta could just come by for lunch. Mom immediately said, in a total panic, "But what will I make?! I was planning on going by the grocery story after I picked you all up, so we could get whatever you wanted for the week." I swear I really wanted to reach through the phone and smack her. I calmly pointed out that we would be arriving at lunchtime, after getting on a plane at 7 am. "Taking Wild Man to the grocery store when he is both tired and hungry is not a good idea, Mom, " I said. I then asked if she could just have lunch stuff on hand.

I really don't understand why it is so hard to plan a little ahead. I remember visiting my grandparents when I was a kid, and the refrigerator was always well stocked and the house was ready for us. We weren't expected to go to the grocery store the moment we arrived. My grandmother spent days cooking before we got there. I certainly don't expect my mom to do this, but I also don't expect to have to plan the menu for the entire time I'm there. I'm really not that hard to please, I swear. But I do want to feel like they want us there and that they've planned for our arrival just a little.

It takes talent. . .

to throw-up while breastfeeding and NOT disturb the baby. I'm just saying . . .

Yesterday C and I spent the day alternating between caring for the boys and throwing up thanks to the stomach bug Wild Man brought home from daycare. It was not fun, but we managed--which explains the first line of the post. In our house, once Bear goes to sleep, we do everything we can to ensure he stays asleep.

A little levity

Here is Bear performing his new favorite activity: blowing raspberries!

And this is Wild Man, the T-Rex!

*Pictures have disappeared.

And the Dean said. . .

something along the lines of, "I understand C and M's situation, and I'm sympathetic to their position. They are both valuable to the university, but right now, due to budget constraints, there isn't anything to be done. Once the department budgets are finalized next month, we can revisit this topic." And of course, all of this was filtered through Dr. Nice Guy, so who knows what she actually said other than, "Um, no, not now. No money. Tell C to have a great trip to Chicago. Get back in touch when one of them has an offer we can take seriously." Dr. Nice Guy urged C to talk to him again if he gets an offer. My lovely husband is pissed, PISSED. He read the email from Dr. Nice Guy and said, "F*** them. Now we're playing hardball."

C is an incredibly easy-going man. It takes a lot to get him angry--a lot. But when he feels like he's being screwed or when he feels like I'm being screwed, you really want to get out of his way. So he's gone from not wanting to go to the interview to wanting to rock the interview and get the job. In fact, in his mind, we've already moved. Me, I don't know. I expected this response, but I made the mistake of hoping. So I'm feeling demoralized all over again.

And for the record, Dr. Nice Guy, who has become a family friend, handled it badly. He emailed C this news while C was teaching and then, knowing C wouldn't have had a chance to check his email, stopped by C's office as soon as C had gotten out of class to discuss another departmental issue. He never once mentioned his meeting with the dean; instead, he let C read about it as soon as he left C's office. I understand he wanted to avoid confrontation, but given that they go out for beers on a semi-regular basis and our families spend time together on the weekends, I know this hurt C.

I did get some good news on Friday. Dr. Feminist has asked me to teach the intro Women's Studies course over the summer, which is great. This means I'll have an income over the summer, and I get to teach something new. I also feel like it is a test of sorts. So maybe if I do well with this course, I'll have more leverage. . . Who knows? Here's hoping next year's job list looks better than this year's. . . Now to get that article published.

Random Chaotic Notes

My life is a whirlwind right now, so here are some random things I'm thinking. And some of this may explain why I feel like I'm screaming silently.

• Wild Man is enrolled in Junior Kindergarten, which will begin in September. After 3 weeks of research and talking to various people, we finally decided to send him to a school that is affiliated with his daycare. We chose this school for several reasons. First, it is a great school, in the top 5 elementary schools in our province. Second, he can continue in the daycare; in fact, as we're out of area, he can only go to the school because he is enrolled at the daycare. He will be walked to and from school by his daycare teachers. Third, putting him in JK buys us some time to make further decisions about his and Bear's education. Ultimately, (assuming we stay in Canada) we want the boys to go to French Immersion school. We feel like they would really benefit from that experience for lots of reasons. But we have recently discovered we're not in the school district we thought we were in, so to send the boys to the "right" FI school, we have to move. Wild Man has to start FI by grade 1, so enrolling him in this school for JK and SK gives us 2 years to do that.
• I'm continuing to apply for jobs off of the spring list, which has even slimmer pickins than the fall list. I've applied for 3 jobs and 2 post-docs. I have 1 more post-doc to put in for and 1 visiting position. I'm not remotely hopeful, but whatever, I'm doing it.
• C has an interview at his field's major conference in a few weeks. As I may or may not have written earlier, he went on the market this year as a bargaining tool with CU Land. The school that wants to interview him is something of a big deal, so he's excited and he's not. Further the conference is about 3 weeks away, so he could get more.
  
• He met with his chair, Dr. Nice Guy, to keep him apprised of the situation. He was very clear: he'd prefer not to go to the interviews, but he'll go unless CU Land can make me some sort of offer. So now it's in his chair's hands, and this is a guy who has also become a good friend of ours. Dr. Nice Guy is not only committed to keeping C here, but he is also committed to helping us anyway he can. He is going to the dean with this information, and we'll see where that goes.
• Given this there is an outside chance I might be offered something more permanent that what I have now. We'll see what we see.
• Before all of this transpired, C and I had a lengthy discussion about me, the job market, and his reaction to me being on the job market. This discussion was very necessary after my less than generous reaction to finding out he got an interview. Let's say I had to leave the room for a few minutes because I was upset and more than a bit jealous. In that moment, I realized how upset I am by this year's search and how much I want this for myself, not for anyone else. I remembered that I do have ambitions of my own and I do want to fulfill them. As I told C, I'm not jealous because I think any of his success is unmerited. I've been with him through this entire process. I know better than anyone how hard he has worked, but I also know I've worked that hard too. I want my work to be recognized somehow.
  
• Talking about these things was good, although hard. We came to the conclusion that we could actually be happy staying in CU Land permanently. On some level that would be a relief. I find that, more than anything, perhaps even more than a tenure-track job, I want a sense of stability for my family. I want to be able to stop thinking, "Well, if we're still here we'll do this. . ." I want to know. I want to be able to commit to this community and to the friends I've made. I want to stop feeling like I need to hold part of myself back so that I don't get too attached if we just move next year. I want to stop worrying about how Wild Man and Bear will deal with a potential move. I want to establish roots for my family, and if staying here means we can do that and I get to start my career, then I want to do that, very, very much.
• I also know that I can stay at CU, teaching part-time, if that is what is best for my family.
• C talked to him mom about this yesterday, and that conversation, even though I had no part in it, left me angry and in tears. He explained all this to her--focusing on the possibility that I may be offered something more permanent here. Her reaction was expected, but still upsetting. She apparently paused and said, "So you'd stay in Canada then? Permanently? Why?" She never said how great that would be for us or anything. Once again, she made it all about her. Her reaction isn't remotely surprising, but for some reason, I though she might be happy for us, even just momentarily. I don't know why, but I need that. I need her to know that this would be good for us, while fully understanding that it means she has to give up on the dream that we'll live in Home State.
  
• I decided to call my mom after C spoke with his, and for once, my mom came through. She was very positive and hopeful and kind. She said, "I know how hard you guys have worked to find jobs in the same place, M. This would be so great for you and your family. I'll keep my fingers crossed." And she even got something that Yetta didn't. She cautiously asked, "Does this mean you'd have more money to come home more often?" I said, "Yes, we definitely would. It would actually enable us to rent a beach house for a few weeks in the summer in Home State if we wanted to." My mom was definitely excited about that.
• Now I'm waiting. And I'm reminding myself that this likely won't work, that nothing will come of it. I'll be in this same position next year. I'm not usually so negative, but now that this possibility really exists, I know how much I want this, how much I want all of this to work for us in CU Land. And I can't let myself hope too much.
  

Sreaming silently

That's what it feels like I'm doing lately--screaming long and loud without being heard. I'd like to elaborate right now, but I've got a million other things to do.

Junior Kindergarten, Wild Man, and Canada

I may be sick to my stomach. Wild Man may have to start Junior Kindergarten next year. And if he does, I have 3 weeks to figure out which school we want him to go to and to register him.

Leverage?

Last week I posted about an odd conversation I had with the director of the Writing Program, in which she made it clear she'd like to hire me. A day or so after that I met with a former student who is applying to grad school, and she asked me to write her letters. I quickly agreed as she is quite bright, although not the best writer. She then asked if I could supervise her thesis if she is accepted into the MA program in Women's Studies at CU. It seems the Canadian system is quite a bit different than the American one. When students apply to grad programs, they must have a project in mind for either their thesis or their dissertation, and many schools, including CU, require students to specify who they want to work with on their application. This student wants to work with me, which is great but really isn't.

I'm part-time. Sure, I teach in three departments, but I'm still part-time. I don't even have a term-appointment (which is the equivalent of a visiting position), although apparently that's been discussed. I know I can't supervise this student, and that annoys me for a few reasons. First, this is a project that she conceived of in one of my classes. Right now it's a bit big, but it has real potential. Second, this student also has a lot of potential, but she's the sort of student who will need a bit of hand-holding. She needs someone who will push her but who will also give her the room to grow as a scholar. As I said, she isn't a great writer, but she is willing to put the work in to improve. In the two courses I have her in, she's already improved a lot, but she still has a long way to go. I'm worried that no one else in the program will give her the attention she needs.

From a completely selfish standpoint, I want the powers that be to know that there are students who want to work with me. I am managing to carve a niche out for myself within this university. So I have a meeting with Dr. Feminist later today to discuss this student and to let her know that she wants to work with me. I think this gives me some leverage, but who knows?

A lazy Monday

C pointed out to me that we really need to be more organized on Mondays or else neither one of us will ever be prepared to teach on Tuesdays. This is the second Monday of the term, and it has been rather lazy. As I pointed out to him, I'm having a hard time caring. Here's what I've done today.

• Woke up with Bear at 6. C actually got up with us for a change which means we had an organized morning.
• Took Wild Man to school while C got Bear to take a nap.
• Reread the first chapter of Borderlands while nursing Bear.
  
• Took Bear to Waterbabies. (So I know that Mondays isn't the best time for a Waterbabies class, but whatever. I wanted to do it at a time when we could focus all of our attention on Bear. Next week, Wild Man starts a pre-school dance class, and we've already decided that only one of us will take him so he gets some uninterrupted Mommy or Daddy time.)
• Had lunch.
• Reread the second chapter of Borderlands while nursing Bear, who then fell asleep, enabling both C and I to work for about an hour.
• Downloaded a recipe for dinner (which I write about if it turns out like I'm hoping it will).

Not bad. I still have some prep to do for tomorrow, but since I've taught Borderlands before, I'm not too worried. My point is that I want to enjoy my time with Bear since I feel like I've had so little of it devoted completely to him. Oh, and I refuse to feel guilty for it.

I really should be . . .

doing 18 other things, but I'm facing a serious lack of motivation. In fact, I don't think I've been this unmotivated since I was pregnant with Wild Man and working on my dissertation proposal. I have not motivation to do anything. I have a long list of things I need to do, and a lot of those are even things I want to do. But I don't want to do any of them. So I keep asking myself why am I not motivated?

I think some of lack of motivation is due to the disappointment of the job search. Part of me thinks, no one was interested in me, so why bother? I know there is a lack of logic to this statement, but it is how I feel. I also think some of it is due to the lack of deadlines. I have to do teaching prep and I have to grade, but I do not have to write a grant proposal or an article. Again, there is a lack of logic to this rationale, but it is how I feel. I can think of a million things I'd rather do than revise my chapter into an article, even though I could likely have the revisions done in 2 weeks. I am fully aware that adding a publication to my CV would greatly improve my chances on the market next year--or hell, even this year. But I am not motivated. I'm trying to figure out how to get motivated, but so far it isn't working. I really just don't want to do any of this right now, and I also really don't want to analyze why I don't want to.

A Very Odd Conversation

Yesterday I stopped by the Writing Department, which is one of the three departments I teach for at CU Land. I had to do some administrative stuff, including submit grades and sign a few things. I literally had 10 minutes, so I was hoping to get in and out without any lengthy conversations.

As I was heading out, I was stopped by the head of the department, a very nice woman who reminds me of someone I worked with at Southwest College. What followed was a very odd conversation.

Dr. Chair: Dr. Nice Guy (the chair of C's department) tells me you're looking for permanent work.

Me: Yes, I'm on the market.

Dr. Chair: I hope that you will keep me informed of the status of your search, especially if you'd get an offer. Dr. Nice Guy and I want to work on keeping you here.

Me: Oh.

Dr. Chair: Yes, but for negotiation purposes, you'll need to have another offer in hand.

Me: Oh, well, unfortunately, it's been a really bad year.

Dr. Chair: Yes, I know, but still, I hope you'll keep this in mind.

Me: I certainly will. In the meantime, I hope I'll still be able to teach for you part-time.

Dr. Chair: There is no question of that.

Me: Thank you for taking the time to tell me that. I appreciate it.

Dr. Chair: Feel free to stop in and see me anytime.

Now, this conversation was odd for a lot of reasons. First, I've only spoken to Dr. Chair a handful of times, so for her to stop me to have such a pointed conversation about wanting to hire me seemed a bit odd. Second, I enjoy teaching in the Writing Department, but I don't know if that is where I want to be hired on. None of my research is in writing (and I don't think it ever will be), and I do not want to teach Technical Writing for the rest of my career. I can teach composition courses, but that's about it. My doctorate is in Literature, not writing, so I don't feel like I'm equipped to teach there--at least not anything more than the intro courses I'm already teaching. That said it was nice to have someone openly express an interest in giving me a permanent tenure-track job at CU.

A list

I feel like my life is verging on boring, as our focus is on routine right now. But, as C reminded me the other day when I voiced this complaint to him, routine is essential with two kids. Even with the focus on routine, though, I somehow forget to do things, so I'm putting together a list of things that I have to do in the next week. I used to be much better at list making and at actually getting things done. Not so much anymore. I don't think my brain has recovered from pregnancy and my dissertation yet. Or at least that's what I'm blaming it on. . .

• Write a proposal for major conference in my field
• Work on several post-doc applications
• Submit applications for summer teaching+
• Wrap up a bunch of course prep stuff+
• Set up a virtual meeting with my old adviser to discuss a grant that I want to submit
• Brainstorm ideas for said grant
• Make travel plans for February
• Make some adjustments to my syllabus+
• Complete revisions on dissertation chapter and get it submitted
• Contact publishing rep who had shown interest in my Wharton chapter oh so long ago
• Do some minor shopping for Bear, who keeps outgrowing all of his clothes at an amazingly rapid rate+
• Read for tomorrow's class
• Prep a coherent lecture for tomorrow's class
• Buy 3 baby gifts and have them shipped to the appropriate people

Ok, I think that's all, or at least that is a start. I'm going to strive to mark off at least 4 of these today. But first, I have to write one more post. . .

So far, so good. I've actually marked 4 things off the list.

Random Updates

As usual, I'm thinking 18,000 at one time, and none of the thoughts are coherent. Here are some random things floating around in my brain right now.

• Bear had his 6 month check-up today. He is 27.5 inches long and weights 18 pounds, 6 ounces. His head circumference is 18.5 inches. He is in the 75% for height and weight and in 90% for his head size. Yes, he takes after his father.
• Wild Man was very happy to return to preschool today. In fact, when I picked him up, he said to me, "Mommy, I love school."
• I return to teaching tomorrow, and as usual, I'm only moderately prepared.
• I teach a night class on Tuesdays this term, and neither C nor I am remotely excited about that.
• I began revising on of my diss chapters into an article before last term ended. I'm hoping to have the revisions finished and to send it off in 2 weeks.
  
• I just did a quick search of the "Spring Job List," and it is a bit sad. I found about 8 jobs I can apply for, most of them post-docs. I'm still on the fence about post-docs. I didn't apply for any off the fall list primarily b/c we won't leave CU for a post-doc. I also doubt that a post-doc will give me much negotiating power with CU. That said, several of these are at fairly prestigious schools, so I'm rethinking my former take on post-docs.
• Since it seems unlikely I'll have any on-campus interviews before mid-February (I am still waiting to hear on several jobs I applied for off of the fall list, so it could happen), we're planning a trip to Mexico for Reading Week, which is CU's equivalent to Spring Break (except it is the 3rd week in February, which is most certainly not spring in CU Land). C was awarded a curriculum grant, and he needs to go to Mexico to take some photographs. I think the boys and I will join him and hang on the beach while he goes off photographing various locations
  
• That's it for now. I think I will head to bed early. Bear had several immunizations today, so I except he'll be up in a while.
  

Happy 2010!

I've taken a break from everything the past few days--except my family. Classes start tomorrow (although I don't teach until Tuesday), and I'm not remotely prepared. I haven't done anything to prepare at all, and I do not guilty at all. Tonight I will enjoy my last evening off by ordering some holiday photos and going to bed early. I lead a rocking life, I know!

Happy 2010 to all my bloggy friends! I hope your holiday was a wonderful as mine was.

It's official

I just canceled my reservations for MLA. There will be no trip to Philadelphia for me this year. This sucks, and then again it doesn't.
It doesn't suck for the following reasons:

• I don't have to pack up the entire family the day after Christmas and spend 8 hours in the car.
  
• I can spend my holiday in my own home.
  
• I don't have to figure out what to wear to an interview.
• I don't have to worry about the possibly wasted expense of a trip to a major city with a $500 hotel bill.
• I get to go visit some dear friends (Bear's godparents, in fact) rather than sit in a stuffy hotel room talking to stuffy people.
  

But it does suck for the following reasons:

• I have no interviews.
• I sent out over 40 applications and got nothing in response.
• I have to do this all over again next year (and quite possibly the next).
• I'm not in any sort of position to bargain for a t-t job at CU Land.
• I don't get to see all of my MLA bound friends.

I told myself at the beginning of this process that it was going to be a difficult year. I'm not published, although I have extensive teaching experience and can teach in multiple areas. I just finished as well. That said, I was hoping for at least one interview, even just for the experience of it. Oh well. I'll troll the spring list and hope that gets me somewhere. In the mean time, I'm sending out letters for summer teaching at CU.

I need a cocktail . . .

Actually, I need several. The last few days have been rough. For the past 3 weeks, C and I have both been battling horrific colds. For me, it started as a cough, and frankly, there is nothing that irritates me more than a cough. Sometime last week, the snot started developing, and then on Saturday, it got worse. As I picked up Bear, I noticed some tenderness in my left breast, and I immediately thought, "Great, I've got a blocked duct." I assumed this for several reasons, but mainly because Bear, who also had a cold, had been fairly irregular about nursing for a few days. I wasn't too worried though, as I had one when I nursed Wild Man and was able to get rid of it fairly quickly. We had a party to go to that night, and even though I felt like crap, I was really looking forward to it. So off we went.

I must say these friends know how to throw a party. They hired 2 teenagers to take coats and pass hors d'oeuvres, and they also hired two teachers from Wild Man's school (their daughter goes there too) to watch all the children. This means that Wild Man had lots of fun upstairs while C, Bear, and I had lots of fun downstairs. Rather, I should say, we were having fun until I was talking to my party-fabulous friend and felt a fever come over me all at once. I immediately knew I didn't have a blocked duct: I had mastitis. By the time we got home a hour later, I knew I had a fever and was shivering while wearing my down coat (which, incidentally, was an early Christmas gift from C). By the time I took my temperature, it was 101. I took Tylenol and went to bed, after applying several hot compresses to my very sore and clearly inflamed breast. Sunday morning I went to the nearest walk-in clinic to get my diagnosis confirmed, and I am currently on antibiotics. So Im feeling better, as snot continues to pour out of me. That merits one cocktail, at least.

I need several because as of yet I still have not received any requests for interviews at MLA. Tomorrow I will cancel our hotel reservations and change travel plans. Instead of going to MLA in search for jobs we will be going to visit dear friends in upstate NY for a few days. I'm happy about that, but I'm really upset about the lack of interviews. Thus far, I've had 3 requests for dossiers, but no interviews. It's a crap year, I know, but it still sucks. I'm trying to focus on making this a great holiday for us and enjoying the fact that we're doing a minimum of travel--and to see people we love and who won't put any sort of pressure on us. But I'm upset at what feels like a lot of wasted energy.

Random Updates

Life is a bit crazy in our house, which seems to be a recurring theme. As I posted a few days ago, lots of things are going through my head right now. Here is a random sampling of things.

• I am behind on grading and am thankful that grades are due late here. I have to finish grading today.
• As of yet, I haven't received any interview requests, which is more than a bit disheartening. It feels like the entire term was a waste. All the time to get job letters and materials out was for naught. I am alternating between sad and indifferent. Today sad seems to be winning out.
• Bear is adjusting well to daycare, although I continue to struggle with it. I think part of my sadness is due to the fact that I sacrificed a lot of time with Bear for the job search. Without an interview, I feel like I could have spent my time with my baby.
• We traveled to my sister's house and my grandparents' house this weekend. I learned that I am not much like my sister, and that is a relief for a variety of reasons.
• I have a cold that will not go away. We're on week three and it is still hanging around.
• I am getting increasingly angry at my father, who still has yet to meet Bear. I need to devote an entire post to this soon before I totally lose it with him. Perhaps writing about my feelings will prevent me from having a total meltdown with him.
• I'm still frustrated by all the conversations about me at CU Land. C is hopeful that Dr. Nice Guy, the chair of C's department, will be able to work out a limited-term appointment for me here (it is the equivalent of a visiting prof position). But, as usual, all these conversations are happening without my input. I find it really frustrating that everyone asks C what I want out of a job, but that no one, at least no one in a position of any power, asks me.
• Wild Man is trying to eliminate naps. This is making for some very long evenings in our house.
• Wild Man has also asked for a hippo for Christmas. He is obsessed with hippos and has several toy hippos, but now he wants a real one.
  
• I still have some shopping to do, and I have no desire to do it.
• This weekend we're going to make cookies, and I'm sincerely hoping that will put me in a holiday mood. I was in a good mood until this week, but all my job search frustration seems to have taken care of that mood.
  

Job Search

I have lots of things I want to write about, but I'm behind on grading. So for now I'm just going to write the following sentence:

The job search sucks!

December Adventures

This month I'm trying really hard to get organized and focused for the upcoming semester. I want to be more organized and focused. My goal for the upcoming year is to divide work and home more neatly. I know a complete division is almost impossible given my profession, but I hope to not be thinking about all the things I need to do in the back of my mind while I'm with my sons. I want my time with them to be focused on them. To that end, we've implemented a "no errand" policy on the weekends, or at least as few as errands as possible. We're going to focus our weekends on being together and being with our boys. Here are a few pictures of our December adventures.

Bear all bundled up

Bear and Wild Man all bundled up to pick out a Christmas Tree

Wild Man and Bear in matching PJs

Wild Man with his "cheese" smile

*Sorry if you missed the pictures!

Baby blues

I really hate the term "baby blues." I think it is dismissive of what the emotional changes that many women go through following the birth of a child. That said, I'm trying to determine if I'm experiencing a case of the "baby blues."

Following Bear's birth, I was emotional for a few weeks. Given the tendency for women in my family to get depressed, C and I talked about my emotional state a lot. In fact, since my sister was diagnosed as bi-polar, C is very aware of my moods and mood changes, but that is a topic for another post. Given the mood swings I was having, I talked to my mid-wife, and she encouraged me to get more sleep and to allow myself room to be upset and to adjust to life with two children. After a few weeks, I started to feel better, so I stopped worrying about it.

In the last few weeks, however, I've been wondering if the "baby blues" are returning. Putting Bear in daycare has upset me much more than I anticipated. I mean, I knew I would be upset, just as I was upset with Wild Man. I didn't anticipate, however, that thinking of him being with other caregivers would make me burst out in tears and feel so sad. I asked C his opinion a few days ago, and he said that I seem to be much more sensitive this time around, but he thinks it is because Bear will likely be our last baby. I am also experiencing a profound sense of disappointment that I was not able to stay home with him. I've been thinking about that a lot, as Wild Man started part-time daycare at 3 1/2 months. I've been trying to determine what the difference is with Bear, and I really think it is all about our geographic and cultural location. I live in a country where it is the norm to stay home for a year, and I didn't get to experience that for a variety of reasons, primarily financial. And that has left me sad. So I've been trying to gauge if I'm depressed or if I'm just really upset by this particular situation, and while I do think it is the latter, I think I'm going to be smart and talk to my doctor at a check-up next week.

Another note to Yetta

Dear Yetta,

I'm happy you're getting along so well with my sister-in-law, Auntie J. I do not understand, however, why you can only get along with one daughter-in-law at a time. J and I talked last night, and we've both observed that when you're happy with one of us you are also very unhappy with the other. Neither of us feels this is necessary, and in fact, it only puts pressure on our relationship with each other as we feel we're constantly competing for your attention. Can't we all just get along?

Love,
M.

Bear, 5 months

A Note to Yetta

Dear Yetta,

I am sorry to inform you that the world does not revolve around you. In fact, it revolves around a large celestial body known as the sun, which is responsible for heating and lighting the entire globe. I realize this is hard to believe, but it is so.

Sincerely,
M.

P.S. I'd also like to tell you that when you give someone a monetary gift you typically don't get to tell that person how to spend said gift. This is why I prefer not to receive monetary gifts.

Bear

C and I dropped both Wild Man and Bear off at school today. Wild Man will be there for his usual day of preschool, and Bear is only going to be there a few hours.

And it was hard, although not as hard as I expected. It helps that one of his caregivers is Wild Man's best buddy's mom. We've spent lots of time with her, and Bear likes her a lot. As soon as he saw her, he smiled and starting giggling. As we watched another mother dropping off her 11-month-old for the first time, I thought of one more thing to be positive about: Bear hasn't experienced any separation anxiety. He is not "making strange," as they say in Canada. He smiled at us when we left, and I know he'll be fine for the 2 hours that he will be there today. We're planning to take him to school for a few hours every day until the holiday starts. It sucks. I don't know how else to put it. But I do love that his school is on campus. I can be there in 5 minutes if I need to be (or want to be).

Daycare Update

Yesterday C and I learned that there is no chance of starting Bear later in December. If we want a spot in January, we have to start paying on Nov. 30. After we found this out, we were both quiet and tense. On the drive home, C said, "Suddenly, I feel sick to my stomach, and M, this is one time in our relationship where I get to be more upset than you do. I've been the one home with Bear, and I actually think I'm going to feel a little lost the first day we send him for the whole day." I looked at C and tried really hard not to burst into tears, especially since both Bear and Wild Man were in the backseat.

We talked about our plan after both boys were asleep. We've decided that we will start transitioning Bear this week and next week. It will be a slow process because we want it to be. Neither of us is really concerned about the cost, especially as my teaching 3 classes this term has enabled us to put a big chunk of money in savings. We want this to be easy on Bear and, frankly, to be easy on us. So by the second week of December, we plan to start taking him to his classroom for a few hours a day. Even though I don't want to do this, I know this is the best decision. He has to be used to his surroundings and his caregivers before the holiday. The school closes from Christmas Eve till the Winter Term begins, which means Bear will go straight to daycare after not seeing the school or his caregivers for about 10 days. The start of the term will be stressful enough on everyone (it always is), so we want that transition to be as smooth as possible. We will likely not leave Bear for a full 7-hour day until January, and as he is only going 3 days a week, I will still get plenty of time with him.

Yes, I'm making a conscious effort to focus on the positive.

Chaos

That single word describes my life this past semester. That and guilt. I've felt a lot of guilt about various things this semester. Suffice to say, teaching 3 classes while having an infant and a pre-schooler (oh, and a house and a husband) has been much more difficult than I would have ever imagined. I was thinking this morning (at 5:45 when Bear woke up for the day) that I've somehow managed to go a lot accomplished.

• I've sent out 34 job applications, and I have about 6 more to send out in the next 3 weeks.
• I've graded, on average, 40 papers a week.
• I've prepped lessons for 3 classes.
• I've written paper prompts, quizzes, and exams for 3 classes.
• I've managed to keep the house reasonably clean with lots of help from C.
• I've managed to continue nursing Bear, although I've logged in a lot of time at my breast pump (although I haven't written about it, this has been a major worry of mine).
• C and I have managed to keep both Bear and Wild Man from getting sick the entire semester, aside from a minor eye infection that Bear had in October.
• I attended a major conference in my field.
• I've kept up with office hours.
• C and I have managed to cook relatively nutritious dinners 5 nights out of 7.
• We've actually attended a few social events, and while C's family was here, we even managed to go out to lunch just the two of us.

When I see that all in writing, I know why I'm tired. The semester ends on the 8th, and I am so looking forward to a break, albeit a short one, as the Winter term starts on January 4th. I plan to spend one whole day in my pajamas just hanging out with my guys.

Bear and Daycare

In January, C's leave ends, and given our teaching schedules, Bear will have to go to daycare part-time. I'm ok with this. Notice I didn't say I'm ecstatic or anything. I'm just ok. He will go three days a week, and two of those days are essential as C's and my teaching schedules overlap on those days. He will be 6 months old, and he will be going to the same school that Wild Man goes to. He will literally be a 10 minute walk from me if I decide I want to go nurse in the middle of the day. Plus, his teacher is going to be Miss M., who is Wild Man's best friend's mom. We know Miss M., and Bear likes her a lot. I'm quite pleased that he has been placed in her room as I think it will make the transition easier for him. This has been the plan for sometime, and as I said, I'm ok with this plan.

Last week we got a call from the school telling us that a spot had opened up for Nov. 30th. The person who does the scheduling for the infant rooms knows our situation and knows we don't want Bear to start until January, but as she explained it, she didn't know if any other spots would be opening up between now and January. If we wanted to ensure Bear had a spot in January, we had to take the November 30th spot. I agreed, but I made it clear that I preferred to wait. I even said if another spot opened that I wanted to take the later spot. She agreed, but I haven't heard anything.

November 30th is about 10 days away, and last night, C asked me what our plan was. He wants to go ahead and start Bear before the holiday break, especially if we'll already be paying for the spot. I, however, don't. After Dec. 7th, I will be done for the semester, aside from grading. I was really looking forward to just hanging out with Bear before the holidays and MLA. The thought of taking him to daycare, whether it is November 30th or later, makes me sick to my stomach. As I told C, I'm feeling all the things I felt when we started Wild Man in daycare. I know Bear has to go in January, but I don't want him to go any sooner than that. C seems to understand, but I can tell he isn't pleased. I know he'd rather start Bear so that we could both get a lot of work done in December and not be so stressed out at the start of the semester. He also said he thinks it is a good idea to get Bear exposed to the school to start building up his immune system. He makes a good argument, but then he does what he always does with these kinds of decisions. He said, "But if you want to have him home with you, that's what we'll do." I don't know what to do.

Random Thoughts

I haven't been blogging regularly, and while I miss, I don't have the time or the energy to post as much as I used to. In fact, I'm writing this at 6:30 in the morning, as Bear woke me up at 5:45 ready to play. I had to get up in 45 minutes anyway, so we're hanging out downstairs while C and Wild Man continue to sleep. Bear is currently playing with his favorite toy and trying to sit up on his own, while I do some things on the computer. I'm thinking about so many different things lately, so I thought I'd post some random thoughts.

• MLA is in about 6 weeks, and I still haven't decided what to do about the conference. I made hotel reservations in September, but I haven't bought a plane ticket. In fact, we can't decide if I should go, if the whole family should go, or if Bear and I should go. I'd rather take the whole family if only because I won't be worried about everyone. If I take Bear with me, I know there will be lots of friends there who will happily take care of him if I'm in an interview, but I also know I'll be more relaxed if I know Bear is with C. C thinks I should go on my own, but Bear will only be 6 months old at that point. He'll still be nursing a lot, and he is still nursing a lot at night (at least twice). I'm not sure either of us is ready to be away from each other for that long. So we're currently contemplating other options.
• We also can't decide if we want to fly or drive. Flying has its advantages, but it is expensive. Driving is, well, driving. Putting the boys in the car for 8+ hours isn't my idea of fun. Although given the fact that we'd likely fly out of the nearest big U.S. city, we may as well just drive and have the freedom of having our own car.
  
• I have about 12 more applications to send off in the next 2 weeks, and at that point, I will have applied for about 36 jobs. I've eliminated and added some along the way. I've heard from two schools requesting my full dossier, so we'll see what we see. C is very confident that I'll get interviews this year, but I'm not so sure. I think he is being a supportive husband more than anything else.
• Wild Man has been very clingy and needy since C's return. For the past few days he is demanding hugs and kisses from both C and I all the time and randomly announcing, "I love you, Mommy. I love you, Daddy." I think this has something to do with C's recent trip and all the family who have come and gone in the past two weeks. He seems to want to make sure that no one is going anywhere for a while, which is another reason why I'd rather just take everyone to MLA.
• I finally gave in and started Bear on solids. We initially tried a few weeks ago, at C's insistence and our doctor's suggestion. She said he was showing all the indications that he was ready, which, frankly, I disagreed with. The first night we gave him some very runny rice cereal mixed with breast milk he just let it run down his chin and started screaming. I felt justified knowing I was right! But while C was gone, Bear began reaching for my plate and watching everyone eat. He even started imitating us chew. About 2 weeks after we first tried rice cereal, I tried it again, and he willingly (and happily) ate about 2 tablespoons. We've since introduced oatmeal, which he seems to prefer, and sweet potatoes, which he loves. Since he is so much younger than Wild Man was when he started solids, I want to introduce new foods more slowly. And since Bear is likely my last baby, I want to do things with him that I didn't do with Wild Man, so I'm trying my hand at homemade baby food. I made Wild Man a few things, but it was easier at that time to buy jarred baby food. In all honesty, it would be easier this time around too, but I want to start Bear off on organic food, at least for the first year. Organic produce is much cheaper than organic baby food in CU Land, so I'll be able to make baby food and freeze it for a lot less than I could buy it already made.
• I cannot believe Christmas is only 6 weeks away. I have done nothing to prepare. I will be hitting the internet again to send gifts to family in the States. I think we're going to get Wild Man an art easel, but I have no idea what to get Bear. Or C for that matter.
  
• I'm presenting at a conference in town tomorrow and am totally unprepared. Luckily the paper is written, although I haven't looked at it in about 3 years. I think it will be a late night. . .
  
• I'm contemplating hiring a baby sitter for a Saturday afternoon so C and I can go out alone, even if only for an hour. I have a student who has mentioned that she does a lot of babysitting. She seems to be really bright and dependable, and given her personality, I know Wild Man would like her. I'm not sure she could manage both boys though, especially given Bear's random unwillingness to take a bottle. I'm also not sure it's ethical for me to hire someone who is currently in my class.
• I guess I should stop writing and get my day started. . .
  

C is home!

C got home on Wednesday night. Both boys were asleep by the time he made it home. Bear, however, woke up around 5 to play, and when he saw his father, his entire face lit up. He played for an hour or so, and when he got fussy, which usually indicates he is ready to nurse and go back to sleep, he refused to nurse. He kept coming off the breast and looking at C. C finally took him and rocked him back to sleep. Yesterday was my long teaching day, and apparently Bear was only happy when C was holding him.

When Wild Man woke up, C walked into his room, and I heard Wild Man shout, "Hooray! Daddy is home!" Both boys have staid very close to their dad in the past 24-hours, despite the presence of both Yetta and Pita (I'll write more on that later). In fact, right now all my men are snuggling on the couch together. Seeing them together is wonderful.

A productive Sunday

So the entire time change threw Wild Man off, which means I've been up forever. First Bear woke up at 5 to play, which is not that unusual. By 6 he was ready to go back to sleep. I nursed him and got him down, and just as I was drifting off to sleep Wild Man started hollering "Mommy! I want to play!" I debated waking my mom up, but honestly, it wasn't worth it. Wild Man likely would have flipped out and had a meltdown or just demanded me anyway. So I got up and took him downstairs. We chatted, and then he asked to watch a movie. I was exhausted, so I complied. He watched while I drank coffee and graded. Bear woke up about 45 minutes later, and then I did get my mom up. She amused Bear while I kept on grading. After my brother got up and Wild Man's movie was over, we had breakfast. Then Wild Man drug his uncle upstairs to play, and my mom did some stuff around the house for me (my house is a wreck, and I don't even care that Yetta will be here later in the week; how's that for progress?). Meanwhile I nursed Bear, and we both napped on the couch for an hour or so. Then we all got ready and headed to the bookstore, where we met some friends. Wild Man played with his buddies while I chatted with my friend and my mom shopped for Wild Man and Bear. By the time we got home, it was lunchtime and then naptime. Currently Bear is napping on me (no, I'm not moving him as I needed him to cooperate), Wild Man is napping in his room (despite fighting the nap, he finally gave in), and my mom is napping on the couch. My brother is reading. I have just finished grading all 22 of my students' job portfolios and am about to finish up some more job applications myself.

Not bad for a Sunday.

5 nights down . . .

5 nights to go until C returns. I'm exhausted for a variety of reasons. I want to write more, but all mental energy is focused on childcare, job applications, and grading.

Today I have to get out 5 more applications, after getting out 8 earlier this week. Somehow I'll also manage to get Wild Man to a birthday party and take both Wild Man and Bear trick or treating. I will also try not to strangle my mother. I will remember she is doing her best and that it has been over 30 years since she took care of little ones.

Oh, and somehow I will maintain my already tenuous hold on my sanity.

Quiet

My house is too quiet, and it is starting to annoy me. C is currently in Spain while I'm home with the boys. My mom and brother are here helping me take care of them, and I'd forgotten how quiet they are. Add to that the fact that I'm either grading or working on job materials and Wild Man is working on his puzzles, which means that there isn't a whole lot of talking going on. If C were here he and I would be talking while I worked and he played with the boys. Given Wild Man's recent penchant for randomly screaming I never thought I'd complain my house was too quiet, but there it is. Even Bear is being quiet.

Happy Birthday, Wild Man!!

Wild Man is officially 3 today!

No, no, no. . .

I do not want the pediatrician to tell me that Bear can begin eating solid food whenever he shows interest. I am not ready for my baby to be 4 months old. I am not, I am not, I am not.

And yes, I am having a bit of an emotional temper tantrum. I had a really big one on Friday and told C how much I dislike him right now since he is the one who gets to stay home with Bear. I also told him if we end up staying in Canada and if I get a tenure-track job at CU we may well have a third child so I take a year off and stay home with one child. I told you I was having a temper tantrum.

Now and then

On Tuesday, Wild Man turns 3. I can hardly believe how much he's changed in 3 years. To commemorate this event, here are two pictures of him. The first was taken as we were leaving for his birthday party. The second was taken when he was just a few days old. How time flies. Happy Birthday, my Wild Man!


*I deleted the "now" image, but kept the "then" image as Wild Man looks nothing like this anymore.

It happened. . .

So Wild Man turns 3 next week, and by the nature of the travels I described in my last post, none of our extended family will be here for his birthday. Wild Man could care less, quite frankly. He asked for a birthday party with his friends, so we're having one. I guarantee he won't notice if I'm there let alone if either of his grandmother's is there. That said, my mom gets in to town for a 9 day visit a few days after Wild Man's birthday, and she has said she wants to take him shopping for a present. That's cool with me because it means I don't have to tell my mom what to get him. Wild Man can pick it out for himself. When my mom said this to me, I told C and then immediately told him not to tell him mom because I'm not up for dealing with the battle of the grandmothers. I'm just not. Well, C screwed up and mentioned this to his mom (although in his defense she did ask what my mom was getting Wild Man for his birthday). So now not only does Yetta also have to take him shopping when she comes to visit after she and C return from Spain, she is also insisting that we have another party (yes, another party, including friends, cake, and activities) for him because she doesn't want to miss "all the birthday celebrations." You know, taking him to buy him a gift is fine with me; in fact, I think it is a great thing for them to do together. I am not drawing out his birthday for 2 flipping weeks because she is jealous of the time he will be spending with my mom.

Ok, I just reread this and thought: "So, M, she wants to celebrate his birthday with him. Really, what's the big deal? Why are you so annoyed?" I'm trying to be reasonable about Yetta as I promised myself long ago that I would be, but I am tired of being reasonable. I'm annoyed because I feel like she's making Wild Man's birthday about her.

Random Updates

C just left to take Wild Man to school and took Bear along for the ride, so I actually have 45 minutes to myself. Before I take a shower, I thought I'd post some updates.

• I'm about 5 weeks into the semester, and we've finally settled into a routine of sorts. C and Bear have worked out most issues with the bottle, although Bear will still refuse it randomly. C is a bit frustrated that he isn't able to get more research or writing done, but he has been able to submit one grant application. And as he keeps reminding himself, he is on leave. His focus is supposed to be Bear, so it is ok if he doesn't get anything done.
• Wild Man turns 3 in less than a week. C and I are both having a hard time with that one. We've planned a birthday party for him at a local children's museum. This is the first party that will consist mainly of Wild Man's friends rather than mine and C's.
• In another milestone for Wild Man, we recently attend his friend's third birthday party. As we were leaving, C said to me, "You know, D is the first friend Wild Man has made on his own. He isn't the child of one of our friends, but someone Wild Man chose on his own to be friends with." This realization is making us both realize that Wild Man is definitely becoming his own person.
• Bear is a huge flirt. In fact, C says their best days together are ones in which they get out of the house at least once so that Bear can see and "talk" to other people. It is so fun to watch him interact with other people. And he is incredibly vocal for a 3 1/2 month old.
  
• I'm barely keeping up with my classes, and I'm actually enjoying my professional writing class a lot more than I thought I would. The students are vocal and actually want to talk about the things I'm lecturing on, which makes the classes more enjoyable for me.
• So far, I've applied to three jobs and have one more application due this week. The bulk of my deadlines are next month, so I'm trying to get a jump on that.
• Bear and I are going to a conference next weekend, while Wild Man and C stay home. I get to see two of my closest friends, so I'm excited about that. I am, however, a bit nervous about traveling with Bear on my own. C is also a bit concerned about how Wild Man is going to respond to being without his brother for the first time.
• When I return from my conference, I will be bringing my mom and older brother home with me; we're meeting in the airport and driving back to CU Land together. They'll be staying with us for ten days to help me with the boys, as C leaves a few days later to go on a research trip to Spain. I'm more than a bit annoyed that the best time for him to take this trip is mid-semester, but the prices are so inexpensive right now he had to go. It will be a crazy two weeks for us. Starting with my trip, C and I will be together only two nights out of fifteen. My mom and brother will be with me for most of the time that C is gone, but as my brother couldn't get the entire time off of work, their stay overlaps with Pita's, who is coming to help with the boys at the end of the trip. To make things crazier, C is actually taking his mom with him to Spain (and yes, I've told him he is totally insane), so when he gets home she'll return to CU Land with him.
• I'm not thrilled with this arrangement for a few reasons. First, I'm really excited to see my mom, my brother, and even Pita (whose nickname is less appropriate than it once was, but I don't see the point in changing it). I think they will be really helpful and distract Wild Man from C's lengthy absence. Second, Yetta will only be with us for 2 days. When C booked the trip, he tried to get her to stay longer in CU Land after their trip to Spain so she could spend more time with the boys. She flat out refused saying, "I've never been away from home for more than two weeks. I don't want to be gone any longer than that." Ok, so she's entitled to her feelings, and I respect those feelings. After all I prefer being in my own home, but I'm annoyed by this because she is already saying, "I won't get to see the boys for very long, and since you all aren't coming home at Christmas I don't know when I'll see them again." I don't need the guilt trip she's attempting to lay on us, and I've told her that. C pointed out that she is the one who is retired and that we're going to MLA in December in the hopes that I will actually have job interviews there. She's already tried to invite herself to Philadelphia, and C told her flat out no--or at least not until the conference is over. He and I are currently negotiating this one. Point blank: it's cheaper for her to visit us, and she has more free time.
• To make it worse, we're planning a short trip to see my grandparents in December. They live halfway between CU Land and Homestate, but we won't be making this trip very close to Christmas (b/c of MLA) or going on to Homestate as we did last year. Yetta is likely to invite herself there, which she has done before, and C will, once again, have to uninvite her. She really doesn't make this easy. . . If my mom and dad end up driving up to see us (these are my mom's parents), Yetta will really lose it.
  
• That said, we're trying to figure out when we'll get to Homestate again. C is really eager to make another visit, but it is a hard one to figure out logistically (and financially) right now.
• As I type this, I realize that I'm finally coming into my own as a mother of two. C and I are working really well together these past few weeks, and while we still have tense moments, we're focused on making life as stress-free as possible. I'm proud of us for getting through all the life changing events of the past year.
  

One down, a million things to go

I just submitted my first job application. That takes one thing off of my to do list and leaves a million, explaining my prolonged absence from the blog.

Still here

I'm still here. I'm just consumed by class prep, article revision, birthday party planning, and parenthood. I've been thinking about a few things I want to post, but I've got to find the time. . .

37 jobs

I've spent a significant amount of time in recent days pouring over MLA's job list. After searching the list in every way I can think of, I have found 37 jobs that I may be able to apply for. 37 is not bad in a year in which some of my friends have less than 20 jobs to apply for. But when I think that 2 years ago, well before I was ready to go on the market, they were over 70 jobs in my area, 37 is a bit disconcerting.

Dr. English

Yesterday I received a very surprising email from Dr. English, the head of CU's English department. I first want to say that Dr. English rates right up there with Dr. Nice Guy, who, if you recall, is the head of C's department. Here is some background.

Last December, I emailed Dr. English to set up a meeting. I did this for several reasons. I knew the teaching opportunities in Women's Studies were going to be reduced and that CU was going to be cutting the number of part-time instructors it hired. I also wanted to meet Dr. English because I eventually hope to get a partner placement in his department. He graciously agreed to meet with me, and we had a lovely meeting. In fact, he seemed really interested in my research--even more so than in what I might teach for his department. We chatted for about 40 minutes, and he promised to contact me when the part-time jobs for his department were posted. He kept his word, and I am currently teaching a full-year course in English. Dr. English has also emailed me throughout the summer to congratulate me on defending, on graduating, and to discuss various other things. He is a really nice guy.

Yesterday I received another really nice email from him. He asked me if I had any opportunity to meet many others in the English department. He then listed the other Americanists in the department and asked if he could help facilitate any meetings with them. I immediately emailed back my appreciation and expressed interest in meeting all of them, specifically on professor who is organizing a conference that I am presenting at in November. I also took the opportunity to ask if I could list him as a reference on my CV as I'm going on the market this year in search of a tenure-track job (hey, I didn't think it would hurt to remind him that a t-t job is the ultimate goal). He graciously agreed and told me he'd email the professor I'd mentioned to see if he could set up a lunch for the three of us. What a really, really nice guy!

Bear, 12 weeks

Bear is 12 weeks old today. Here is a fairly recent picture of him. As you can see, he is growing fast. At his 8 week check up, he was 13 pounds 4 ounces and 24.5 inches long. I estimate he is now at least 25 inches long and over 14 pounds. My triceps and biceps are getting some serious definition from carrying him around! He is cooing a lot and is on the verge of laughing. He is sleeping 4 hour stretches at night, waking up long enough to nurse and go back to sleep. Life with Bear is really good. As I said to C last night, it is hard to remember life with only one child. It feels like Bear has been with us forever.

Control

C is embracing his new domestic role. On one level, it's great. He made breakfast this morning, put dinner in the crockpot, and washed 4 loads of laundry. This week alone he cleaned, took care of Bear, and reorganized the kitchen now that he's got all the cabinets installed. I'm feeling a bit out of sorts about all of this, however. This morning he informed me I was putting something in the wrong place in the kitchen, and I had no idea what to say about that. For various reasons, the kitchen has always been my domain. I do the majority of the cooking, so I have always organized the kitchen. I feel like I'm no longer in control of my home, which I know isn't accurate and is a response to going back to work. I'm going to have to remind myself that C can do things just as well as I can, and that there is nothing wrong with how he does things. Except, of course, that my way is better.

Dr. M

I just realized that I am teaching for the first time as "Dr. M." That has made my day just a bit easier.

So it begins

Today is my first long day away from Bear. After dropping Wild Man off at school a bit later than usual (my Thursday teaching schedule necessitates that I'm on campus until 4:30 meaning I won't be able to pick Wild Man up until 5:00 so we decided that I would drop him off a bit later than usual on Thursdays), I am now in C's office hiding out. Why am I in C's office? Well, I currently have access to three offices in various locations on CU's campus. However, I share every single one of them. I have no desire to try to figure out how to pump in offices that I share with a minimum of three other people--one office is, in fact, a desk in the Writing office. I share that space with about 12 people at any given time. C has his own office, so I'll be using his office to pump.

Right now I'm doing last minute things before trekking over to the English department to make copies and then to Women Studies to check on some other things. I want nothing more than to go home and snuggle with Bear. He was napping in his crib when I left, so here's hoping he had a good nap and that he and C will have a good day. It'll be a long 6 hours until I'm home again. And given his current response to the bottle I fully expect to spend the afternoon and evening nursing him.

Header update

I finally got around to updating my header. Let me know what you think.

Seriously, this is enough home improvement

Usually I love having a handy husband. I love that when something breaks C can usually fix it and fairly quickly. He is not the sort of person who puts off home repair. Things get done fast. But right now our office is a disaster as is our kitchen. Why? Because this week he's decided he has to finish all the projects he started before Bear was born. So last week he put another coat of paint on the downstairs hallway and decided to prime the office. Today he finished installing the kitchen cabinets. Now we have to purchase countertops and have them installed. He also have to finish painting the office so I'm no longer working on job materials and planning lessons at the kitchen table. I told him a little while ago that he cannot take on so many home improvement projects at one time ever again. Seriously, this is a bit ridiculous.

Blehh

I'm completing the last of my syllabi while C works on the kitchen and Bear naps. I'm still feeling rather "Blehh" about going back to teaching, but I'll deal. I'm trying to work out office hours so that I'll be away from home the minimum amount of time, but right now it's looking like I'll be gone Mondays and Fridays from about 8:15 until 12:45 or 1:00. Tuesdays I'll leave the house around 8:45 and be home around 1:00. Thursdays I'll go in later, around 9:30, but I won't be home until at least 5:00. Wednesdays I'm not planning to go in at all, except for the occasional meeting. I'm trying to squeeze in office hours on the days I'll be on campus, but I know I'll have to be there longer some days. I'm feeling a bit sick to my stomach by all of this, but there isn't much I can do. I have to teach. I have to stay visible in order to stay in the good graces of the powers that be if we're going to make a case for partner placement this year, which is the ultimate goal. Oh, and on top of all this teaching, I have to work on job materials and revise a chapter to submit for publication. Blehh.

Reading lists

I've been working on my reading list for the lit course I'm teaching this fall. It is a special topics course on Women's Lit. Since I fairly short notice for this course, I designed around the themes in my dissertation. Unfortunately the reading list for the course is much, much longer. You see, Canadian universities run courses for the entire year, and this is one such course. I'm here to tell you trying to figure out reading assignments 6 months in advance is weird--and tricky.

Something else

A few moments ago, as I was snuggling Bear through an afternoon nap (he was napping while on the boppy after nursing as I read for classes next week), I suddenly had a flashback to Wild Man's first day of day care. C was teaching that day, and as I recall he taught at 8 am that semester. Thus, I got Wild Man ready and dropped him off myself. He had no idea what was going on, but as he was happy in the arms of his caregiver I essentially dropped him off and fled as quickly as I could. I drove to campus, parked my car, and promptly walked to the office of one of my best friends, Supadiscomama. I then proceeded to cry for the next 15 minutes or so while she rubbed my back--she'd gone through the same experience a few months earlier with her own son. Being in her office and knowing she (and my other friends Sarah and L) knew how I felt helped me get through that day and the next few that followed until it got easier to drop Wild Man off.

When Wild Man and I leave Bear with C next week at 8:30 or so and don't return until after 4, I will drop Wild Man off at school and then go to my office--the one I share with 4 other people, none of whom I know (or like) all that well. I don't have any place or any one to go to who will rub my back while I cry. I know I can call any or all of these wonderful friends the minute I get to my office, but I also know that won't be quite the same. That makes this whole experience just a little bit harder.

Ambivalent

Today's title reflects how I'm feeling about returning to teaching next week. I have been off since April 10th or so when the Winter term ended (yes, in CU-speak, the terms are Fall, Winter, and Summer; there's no Spring term here). In that time I defended, revised, and filed my dissertation. I spent lots of time with C and Wild Man. I gave birth to Bear. I graduated. I helped C redo the kitchen (which is still a work in progress). And I've done remarkably little in terms of work. I have managed to plan my Fall courses and start revising a chapter to submit for publication. I have also pulled all of my job materials together and started thinking about how to revise.

Usually the beginning of the semester brings a certain level of excitement to our house. But this semester C will be staying home with Bear while I go back to teaching. C is appropriately excited not to be teaching for the first fall in about 7 years, but he is, admittedly, uncertain how he will handle being the primary caregiver to our 10-week-old (it seems unreal that Bear is already 10 weeks old). He has a list of things he wants to get done around the house before the weather turns cold as well as some writing and research he wants to get done. I keep telling him to be prepared to get nothing done some days and very little on others. I'm not sure he is listening, though. As for me, I want to stay home. I am experiencing a lot of the same feelings I experienced when we put Wild Man in day care. I said this to C, and he was a bit hurt, I think. After all, Bear isn't going to day care. He is staying home with his dad. But I will still be leaving him for a significant amount of time each day. I will still have to return to the daily task of getting work done at home while caring for him. I will still have to figure out how to find time to pump during my office hours. I will still be away from Bear.

I've spent a lot of time the last few days thinking about why this bothers me so much, and I think I've finally pinpointed the primary source of my anxiety. Aside from feeling all the "normal" going-back-to-work-and-leaving-my-infant feelings, I also feel like I'm leaving Bear just as we've really started to bond. If I'm being 100% honest, I've found it harder to bond with Bear than I did with Wild Man. I predicted this a few months ago, but I didn't anticipate how guilty it would make me feel. I've found it hard, almost brutally hard, to balance the needs of both my children, and in the first few weeks of Bear's life, I found myself passing Bear off to C quite a lot to attend to Wild Man's needs. I rationalized this to myself by saying, "Bear is an easy infant. He nurses, and he sleeps. He is rarely fussy, and he needs to bond with C as much with me." In contrast, Wild Man is so vocal and verbal. He can express his needs, and he struggled a bit with Bear's arrival. He seemed to love his brother instantly, but he didn't like sharing me. Thus, I found myself feeling a bit disconnected from Bear. That began to change when Bear had his stint in the hospital. I stayed with him in the hospital, and I was the one holding him as he got poked and prodded. I was the one asking the doctors the hard questions, and I was the one talking to the nurses. C took care of Wild Man and things at home (with some help from Pita and my sister, who needs an equally descriptive nickname), and I took care of Bear. I figured out lots of little things about my youngest son, and I really started to get to know him then. Since then I've made a conscious effort to spend more time alone with Bear as well as encouraging Wild Man to get more involved with Bear's daily care. I'm amazed how different they are, yet they are similar in so many ways. I'm also loving seeing them interact, although that is a little heartbreaking as well (I need to write a separate post on the love a younger sibling has for an older sibling). Suffice to say, I don't want to go back to work. Right now, I'd love nothing more than to stay home for foreseeable future, but that isn't in the cards for a variety of reasons. So I will enjoy my final full week at home with my littlest guy.

Jealousy

In about three weeks, my summer at home with Bear ends. I begin teaching again, and I also start the arduous task of going on the job market and revising a chapter to publish as an article. I will be on campus 4 days a week, as I am teaching 3 classes in 3 different departments. I will have to pump and store breast milk, and I will be away from Bear for at least 3 hours a day 3 days a week and 8 hours a day one day a week. I will begin each day by dropping Wild Man off at school and follow most days with office hours and then teaching. In the evenings I will have to squeeze in time with the boys along with grading and class prep and preparing job letters and other materials.

C, on the other hand, will be staying home with Bear. While he has a list of work related things he wants to accomplish while on parental leave, he will focus primarily on childcare and the house. He will be a stay-at-home-dad, at least until January. If he doesn't get anything work related accomplished, that's ok. I've never wanted to be a SAHM, but I'm more than a little jealous of the time he will get to devote to Bear. The fall semester is going to be much harder than I anticipated.

Graduate

Here is a rare photo of me. C took this picture of me with Wild Man and Bear the morning of graduation. I rarely feel like a photo captures exactly how I feel in a given moment, but this one does. It was a wonderful, wonderful day. And it feels pretty damn good to be Dr. M.

*This photo has disappeared.

Home

After a week filled with friends and graduation activities, we're home. I have lots to say about our visit, but right now, I'm still processing the visit to Southwest College Town and our return to CU Land. It seems impossible to think we've been here a year. In many ways it seems like we just arrived yesterday, but in others, it feels like we've been here forever. I've always been a firm believer that home isn't a specific location; rather it is the place where you are with those that you love. CU Land has slowly become a home of sorts. Southwest College Town will always be very, very special to me, but it doesn't feel like home anymore. Home is where my boys--all three of them--are.

Hard to believe

We're currently in Southwest College Town enjoying some time with our good friends Oxymoron, Oxy-Toddler, and Mrs. Oxy. Tomorrow I graduate. It is very, very hard to believe. I don't think it will sink in that I am Dr. M until my adviser hoods me tomorrow morning. . .

Bear

We had professional pictures taken a few weeks ago, and here is one of my favorites of Bear.

6 weeks

Bear is officially 6 weeks old. He weighs 12 pounds 4 ounces and is 24 inches long. As my midwife said at our final appointment with her today, he is growing very fast. He is smiling and starting to coo. He is also putting himself on a schedule of sorts, which means I'm getting some work done during his naps and getting a fair amount of sleep myself. Wild Man is adapting. Some days are good, some are not so good. It is clear, however, that he loves Bear.

*This picture will disappear in a few days.