After unexpectedly dropping $900 yesterday on a new refrigerator, C and I are rethinking our plans to travel over the holidays. We were lucky enough to have the money in our savings account, but now our savings account is essentially depleted. We are also lucky enough to be in an economic position right now that most of my pay check for teaching in CU Land's Women's Studies department can go into the bank. This was just the first month that we hadn't invested most of my check into minor repairs for the house--not to mention winter wardrobes for all three of us. So by this time next month, our savings account will once again be back where it was yesterday, which means we will be able to afford a trip to see our families, theoretically. The issue is that I will not get a paycheck this summer; we will have to live entirely off of C's pay. With at least 2 trips to Southwest College Town planned (1 for me to defend, and 1 for the entire family for my graduation) and 1 conference for me in February, we'd like to have a fair amount of money socked away before my final paycheck arrives on May 1st. To recap, we can afford to go, but we don't know if it is the smartest thing to do.
The moment C and I realized we were going to have to purchase a new refrigerator, we both said maybe we shouldn't travel over the holidays. I was rather stressed out Wednesday evening, and this stressed me out even more. Well, actually, anticipating C's mother's response stressed me out. You see, several months ago we invited all of our family members to CU Land for Christmas. My parents never really responded to the invitation (which isn't unusual, but is also the topic of a different post altogether), and Yetta firmly said she couldn't afford the cost of the ticket. She reasoned with her trip here in October and a trip she's taking next month with friends a second trip here would be too pricey. At the time, I said to C "at some point she will offer to help pay for us to travel to Home State, and that will really annoy me. She can afford to come see us, but she wants us there."
Last night C called his mom to talk, and he, of course, told her about the refrigerator. She was on her way out, so it was a short conversation. She told him she was sorry and that was about it. C naively believed that was the end of the conversation. A little while ago, Yetta called him, and the first question out of her mouth was "Does this mean you won't be able to come home now?" C calmly explained our current rationale, and she calmly listened. She then offered to send us $500--which is at least $200 more than the cost of an airline ticket to CU Land from Home State. C declined, telling her we just want to wait and see. He reminded her that she agreed to a low key holiday anyway, so there isn't any need for us to rush to make a decision. He asked, "any thing that needs to be planned will only involve family, right?" She apparently said "oh, of course, take as much time as you need." But she will ask this question every time they talk until we make a decision.
Since she called (and since we had a similar conversation when she was here) I've been asking myself, "why is this a big deal?" She wants to see us, so she wants to give us money to ensure we're able to make the trip. Why does it bother me so much? Why do I let it irritate me and get me upset? I think I've finally figured out why. As I've said many, many times before, Yetta isn't a bad person. In fact, I really do feel like I have a fairly good relationship with her. But she doesn't often show much respect for our decisions. With this particular situation, there is no recognition that we are adults who are capable of making an informed decision about our own finances. Further, there is never (and, if we ultimately decide not to travel, there won't ever be) any recognition that we are upset by our inability to travel to Home State as often as we'd like. We will only hear about how it will affect her.
I know in the grand scheme of things this is fairly minor, and some may say if we really wanted to see our families over the holidays we'd accept her generous offer. But I'd honestly rather stay in CU Land than take her money. It makes her think she can demand our presence in Home State whenever she wants so long as she foots the bill. It makes it seem as though our relationship with her is based solely on money. And it makes her believe that she always gets what she wants.
5 comments:
I've watched my mom and brother behave in the exact same way. He would tell her there's been a situation, and she would throw money at them. The money, as you know, always comes with strings attached. It makes her feel like she is still needed and that is the most effective way to do so. In turn, my bro and SIL feel obligated to my parents and sometimes have to succumb to their requests. My hat goes off to Cody for not accepting his mom's money right away. My brother would not have been so smart.
My dad keeps offering to pay for flights for us to come visit them, and, while I appreciate the gesture, money is not the only issue. Fortunately, I've been able to explain that to him, and he's very understanding. I just wish that all of our parents (all four sets!) would recognize that it is significantly easier and cheaper for them to come see us!!!
But, alas, self-centeredness reigns (in certain cases).
And I think you're right about Yetta thinking that she can always get what she wants, regardless of what suits others. Ultimately, you and C have to decide what's best for your family--and do your best to ignore the guilt trips, etc. if what's best is for you to stay at home.
Clearly, this is mostly about her comfort and control. It is easier for her to have you come to her -- and if she pays, she controls your time while you are there.
Next time you see her -- whenever that is -- ask her to tell you about holidays when C was young. Did she travel to her parent's home all the time? How did she handle dividing time with C's other grandparents? I'd guess that it was always the case that she and C's dad spent years accommodating the older generation. It is also quite possible that they lived much closer to extended family and she just doesn't see the impact of having to pack up Wild Man over and over again.
My sister-in-law and her in-laws have a pretty smart system. In alternating years they'll gather for Thanksgiving OR Christmas. All 9 of her siblings-in-law have been doing this for years and there is little conflict about who goes where when. A couple are local to their mom, so they invite her to whatever is going on when all the kids aren't coming home.
what a tough situation! I hope you make the right decision and that she's fine with it. It's not OK to feel like someone wants to control your life, right?
Philosophy,
C's family lived down the street from his father's parents, so they spent every Christmas Even with them. And every Christmas, after opening presents and church, C and his siblings were loaded up into the car for the 4 hour drive to Yetta's father's house, where they spent several days. As far as C remembers, this continued until he and his siblings were old enough to express their desires to spend more time at home--until C, who is the youngest, was at least 10. But still, traveling 4 hours is much less difficult than traveling 18 hours.
Yetta has often said to me that she wishes her father would have been willing to travel to her home, but apparently this doesn't translate to our circumstances. She has actually said that she doesn't feel she can leave Home State because she will miss being with two of her children and two of her grandchildren if she comes to see us for any holiday. She truly believes it is our responsibility to travel to see the rest of the family since we're the only ones who live out of state.
I wish your idea of alternating Christmases would work--alternating Thanksgivings is hard now that we're in Canada. Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving in October, not November. We have suggested this several times, but she just replies that she isn't comfortable being away from home on the holidays. And my parents--well, they barely leave the house. But at least they don't offer up guilt trips in the same way Yetta does.
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