Monday, December 20, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Interview and Europe bound
I have an interview! Hooray! I received an email last week, and then, after several days of phone tag, I finally confirmed the time and place yesterday. I'm hoping for at least one more, but I'm not optimistic. I'm thrilled to have one. Now I have to start planning the trip to the conference, which will be difficult to say the least.
Tomorrow we leave for an 11 day trip to Europe. I'm excited, but I also think we're a bit crazy. I've spent the day packing and organizing. Tomorrow will be stressful, not impossible but stressful. I still have some packing to do, so I'm off to get that finished. I may not be able to post while we're away, so I wish everyone a wonderful holiday. Thanks for hanging out with me in the cyber world!
Tomorrow we leave for an 11 day trip to Europe. I'm excited, but I also think we're a bit crazy. I've spent the day packing and organizing. Tomorrow will be stressful, not impossible but stressful. I still have some packing to do, so I'm off to get that finished. I may not be able to post while we're away, so I wish everyone a wonderful holiday. Thanks for hanging out with me in the cyber world!
Wednesday, December 08, 2010
Tuesday, December 07, 2010
Anger
As I wrote a few days ago, I'm still processing my grandmother's death. I'm angry about a lot of things. Namely I'm angry that I always have to be the adult. In my immediate family, meaning my parents and my two siblings, I'm the youngest (that's right, I'm the youngest), but in so many ways I'm the adult. I'm the one who tells people to go to the doctor; I'm the to help my parents figure out how to hire a good contractor; and I'm the one my niece and nephew turn to when they are concerned about their mother's health.
When everything was going down with my gram, I was the one to tell my mom to get in the car and go so she could say good-bye, and I'm the one who called my sister to say, "Look, you're the closest one out of our family. Get your ass there now." For once my sister listened. My mom delayed, waiting on her sister-in-law to drive through Home State and pick her up. Thus, my mom didn't make it to the hospital until half an hour before my gram was taken off the ventilator. (On some level, I do get this. My mom was hoping if she stayed away my gram would get better, as she has in the past. On another level, I'm pissed that my mom delayed, forcing her youngest sister to make the decision to end life support without my mother's input.).
I'm also angry at my mom's oldest sister for not stepping up and following my gram's wishes more closely. My grandmother never wanted to be put on life support. In fact, she had a living will--she'd had one for well over a decade. The circumstances necessitated that she be put on life support as paramedics found her not breathing. As soon as it became clear she has suffered major brain damage, everyone should have agreed, including my mom's oldest sister, that Gram be taken off life support once my grandfather and their four children (my mom and her three siblings) had time to say good-bye. My aunt disagreed. In fact, she argued with my mom's youngest sister (Aunt S), who is a nurse and had medical power-of-attorney. She refused to return to the hospital the night we took my gram off life support until Aunt S told her she was taking her off life support with or without the oldest aunt there. She then showed up and behaved very, very strangely (yes, even strangely for someone about to watch her mother die). So, in the end, it became a case of the youngest being forced to be the most responsible.
Finally, I'm pissed at my dad who refused to come to the funeral. Yes, you read that right. Apparently, my parents didn't have anyone to watch their cats. Yes, again, you read that right. My dad tried to get my brother to stay, but he refused. And frankly, damn right he did. J wanted to say good-bye to his grandmother and attend her funeral. My parents couldn't come up with a single other person to take care of their cats. And because this all happened on the weekend they couldn't board them (or so they said). When I heard this, I was speechless, literally. And, as is my way, I tried to fix it. I called Pita, who drives past my parent's neighborhood every day on her way to work, and asked her to take care of the cats. She immediately agreed, so I called my dad back. He wasn't happy I interfered, but he said that was fine. He'd leave with my mom. Pita called Archer a half an hour later to say she'd talked to my dad and that he told her he and my mom had discussed it. He wouldn't be going. I called my dad again. He said it was settled. I said point blank, "You will be expected to be there. Grandpa will want you there. Mom will want you there. I need you there." He didn't say anything, so I said, "You know, Dad, I don't ask you for much, but I'm asking you for this. I need you to be there." He said, "Ok, M, I'll be there. Have Pita call me again." Then he hung up on me. Archer called Pita again, and she called my dad. She called back about 15 minutes later. She told Archer, "He said he didn't need me. He's not going." I haven't spoken to my father since.
For me, this is the ultimate refusal. I told my father as clearly as I could that I needed him. I get that this isn't about me. I get that my dad has some health issues that make it difficult for him to travel. I get that death is hard. I get all of that. But I also know that I've lived in Canada for 3 years, and my father still doesn't have a passport. Bear was in the hospital when he was 4 weeks old, and my father couldn't come to help or to see him because he doesn't have a passport. I've lived away from Home State for 12 years, and my father has been to visit me in my own home 3 times, one of which was when he helped me move when I started working on my Master's degree. He's seen Wild Man about 6 times, and he's seen Bear twice. And it isn't just me. He hasn't seen my sister in over 2 years, and unless she makes it to Home State, she won't see him anytime soon.
You see, attending my grandmother's funeral was about more than saying good-bye to my grandmother. My entire family was together, save my sister's husband (who had only met my grandmother 2 times and didn't want to sacrifice his Thanksgiving with his daughters from his first marriage) and my dad. This was the first time since 1990 all 10 of my grandparents' grandchildren were together. This was the first time since 2007 my sister, brother, and I were together. This was the first time my father would have seen all 4 of his grandchildren together. And he stayed home to take care of my mom's cats. He stayed home when I specifically asked him to come because I needed him. This one is going to take a long, long time for me to get over.
Oh, and I really, really miss my grandmother.
When everything was going down with my gram, I was the one to tell my mom to get in the car and go so she could say good-bye, and I'm the one who called my sister to say, "Look, you're the closest one out of our family. Get your ass there now." For once my sister listened. My mom delayed, waiting on her sister-in-law to drive through Home State and pick her up. Thus, my mom didn't make it to the hospital until half an hour before my gram was taken off the ventilator. (On some level, I do get this. My mom was hoping if she stayed away my gram would get better, as she has in the past. On another level, I'm pissed that my mom delayed, forcing her youngest sister to make the decision to end life support without my mother's input.).
I'm also angry at my mom's oldest sister for not stepping up and following my gram's wishes more closely. My grandmother never wanted to be put on life support. In fact, she had a living will--she'd had one for well over a decade. The circumstances necessitated that she be put on life support as paramedics found her not breathing. As soon as it became clear she has suffered major brain damage, everyone should have agreed, including my mom's oldest sister, that Gram be taken off life support once my grandfather and their four children (my mom and her three siblings) had time to say good-bye. My aunt disagreed. In fact, she argued with my mom's youngest sister (Aunt S), who is a nurse and had medical power-of-attorney. She refused to return to the hospital the night we took my gram off life support until Aunt S told her she was taking her off life support with or without the oldest aunt there. She then showed up and behaved very, very strangely (yes, even strangely for someone about to watch her mother die). So, in the end, it became a case of the youngest being forced to be the most responsible.
Finally, I'm pissed at my dad who refused to come to the funeral. Yes, you read that right. Apparently, my parents didn't have anyone to watch their cats. Yes, again, you read that right. My dad tried to get my brother to stay, but he refused. And frankly, damn right he did. J wanted to say good-bye to his grandmother and attend her funeral. My parents couldn't come up with a single other person to take care of their cats. And because this all happened on the weekend they couldn't board them (or so they said). When I heard this, I was speechless, literally. And, as is my way, I tried to fix it. I called Pita, who drives past my parent's neighborhood every day on her way to work, and asked her to take care of the cats. She immediately agreed, so I called my dad back. He wasn't happy I interfered, but he said that was fine. He'd leave with my mom. Pita called Archer a half an hour later to say she'd talked to my dad and that he told her he and my mom had discussed it. He wouldn't be going. I called my dad again. He said it was settled. I said point blank, "You will be expected to be there. Grandpa will want you there. Mom will want you there. I need you there." He didn't say anything, so I said, "You know, Dad, I don't ask you for much, but I'm asking you for this. I need you to be there." He said, "Ok, M, I'll be there. Have Pita call me again." Then he hung up on me. Archer called Pita again, and she called my dad. She called back about 15 minutes later. She told Archer, "He said he didn't need me. He's not going." I haven't spoken to my father since.
For me, this is the ultimate refusal. I told my father as clearly as I could that I needed him. I get that this isn't about me. I get that my dad has some health issues that make it difficult for him to travel. I get that death is hard. I get all of that. But I also know that I've lived in Canada for 3 years, and my father still doesn't have a passport. Bear was in the hospital when he was 4 weeks old, and my father couldn't come to help or to see him because he doesn't have a passport. I've lived away from Home State for 12 years, and my father has been to visit me in my own home 3 times, one of which was when he helped me move when I started working on my Master's degree. He's seen Wild Man about 6 times, and he's seen Bear twice. And it isn't just me. He hasn't seen my sister in over 2 years, and unless she makes it to Home State, she won't see him anytime soon.
You see, attending my grandmother's funeral was about more than saying good-bye to my grandmother. My entire family was together, save my sister's husband (who had only met my grandmother 2 times and didn't want to sacrifice his Thanksgiving with his daughters from his first marriage) and my dad. This was the first time since 1990 all 10 of my grandparents' grandchildren were together. This was the first time since 2007 my sister, brother, and I were together. This was the first time my father would have seen all 4 of his grandchildren together. And he stayed home to take care of my mom's cats. He stayed home when I specifically asked him to come because I needed him. This one is going to take a long, long time for me to get over.
Oh, and I really, really miss my grandmother.
Snow day part three
So tomorrow will be the third snow day in a row in CU Land. This means that the last two days of class for the fall semester have been canceled. This means that Archer and I have been home with Bear and Wild Man for the last two days, stuck in the house. Wild Man loves the snow and has made several trips outside to play in the snow. Bear, who is getting over a bad cold, hates the snow. In fact, we took him outside briefly today, and he cried the entire time.
In addition to being snow bound with two children who are getting a bit stir crazy, I have four sets of papers to grade by next Wednesday, including final papers for 2 classes (I'm still getting caught up from the week I was out of town for my grandmother's funeral). I have an exam to write, and all of my students are emailing me because they have final papers due soon and they don't know when they'll see me again! I'm obsessively checking email in the hopes that I will receive an interview request for my field's big conference which is at the first of the year. I'm trying to get ready for the holiday, which also means dealing with Archer's family's passive-aggressive comments about how we privilege our careers over our family, i.e. them, every year. Oh, and we're traveling to Europe for 11 days in less than 10 days for Archer to do some research. Yes, we will be in Europe for Christmas, which is the reason for all the passive-aggressive comments. Archer keeps asking me why I'm so tense. Maybe I should tell him to read this post. . .
In addition to being snow bound with two children who are getting a bit stir crazy, I have four sets of papers to grade by next Wednesday, including final papers for 2 classes (I'm still getting caught up from the week I was out of town for my grandmother's funeral). I have an exam to write, and all of my students are emailing me because they have final papers due soon and they don't know when they'll see me again! I'm obsessively checking email in the hopes that I will receive an interview request for my field's big conference which is at the first of the year. I'm trying to get ready for the holiday, which also means dealing with Archer's family's passive-aggressive comments about how we privilege our careers over our family, i.e. them, every year. Oh, and we're traveling to Europe for 11 days in less than 10 days for Archer to do some research. Yes, we will be in Europe for Christmas, which is the reason for all the passive-aggressive comments. Archer keeps asking me why I'm so tense. Maybe I should tell him to read this post. . .
Saturday, December 04, 2010
Dealing
That's what I'm doing right now. I am still processing my grandmother's deal, which was, all things considered, relatively unexpected. Lots of things happened last week that I'm working through. I'm angry--not at my grandmother--but at several family members. I'll be writing about all of this in the near future. But now I just wanted to say that I'm here.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
My grandmother
Archer, the boys, and I left for the States on Sunday around 10:00 am. By 8:30 Sunday night, I was sitting with my Gram, as I called her, holding her hand. It was clear to me, however, that my Gram was not present, something my youngest aunt, Aunt S, wholeheartedly agreed with. She had already discussed turning off Gram's ventilator with her siblings, including my mom, and they had all agreed, with deep reservations. My mom arrived later that evening, around 10, and at mine and Aunt S's urging, my Gram was taken off the ventilator around 11:15 Sunday night, and she died at 5:50 Monday morning. She was a great lady, who did not hesitate to tell you what she thought. In fact, she strongly disapproved of many of my life choices, arguing that I didn't need to pursue my doctorate and that I needed to stay home with Wild Man and Bear. As long as Archer had a good job, she argued there was no need for me to work, and certainly no need for me to be so educated, as she put it. While she never hesitated to tell me these things, she also ended every conversation we had by saying, "I love you so much, M." I know my Gram didn't approve of all my choices, but I never doubted how much she loved me and my boys.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Essay
I received an email last night (who sends these sorts of things out on Saturday night?) telling me that the essay I submitted to THE journal in my field hadn't been accepted. It was the nicest rejection I've ever gotten. I also received feedback from two reviewers. The first reviewer's tone was a bit jerky, although the comments were helpful. The second reviewer said the essay is original and well written, but that I need to reframe the argument a bit. That makes sense to me. It doesn't make me happy because it means a lot of work--work that I don't have time to sit down and do write now since I'm teaching 3 courses that involve a lot of grading--as in I just returned a stack of papers, have 2 more stacks to grade, and get another stack this week. I can do the revisions, but they aren't, unfortunately, the kinds of revisions that I can do quickly and send the essay back out next week. So now I get to think for a while and try to figure out where to go from here. I've been slowly revising another essay that I could focus on for the next few weeks (when I'm not grading and sending out job letters). With any luck, I could have that out by December so that I still have something on my CV that is under review. I feel like I need that to be somewhat competitive on the market.
And while I knew this journal was a long shot, I was really hoping for a revise and resubmit. I need some positive feedback on my work--something more than "this is original and well written, but the argument doesn't make sense."
And while I knew this journal was a long shot, I was really hoping for a revise and resubmit. I need some positive feedback on my work--something more than "this is original and well written, but the argument doesn't make sense."
Friday, November 12, 2010
To the student who addresses emails to Mrs. Archer
Dear Student,
Thank you for the email asking me to read your essay for your political science class. I'll be sure to get right on that since I don't teach political science. I'm happy to help you in any way possible. You'll forgive me if I can't comment on content as I'm not a political scientist, and you'll understand if you don't get it back right away since I have a stack of my own students' papers to grade.
I'd also like to remind you that I introduced myself to class as Dr. M on the first day, and I made it very clear that I prefer to be addressed in that way. My name is not now nor has it ever been Mrs. Archer. In fact the only person who uses that name is my mother-in-law, who not only does not know how to use email but is even less likely to be willing to proofread your political science essay for you. In the future, direct all emails to Dr. M--that is if you want me to respond.
Dr. M
Thank you for the email asking me to read your essay for your political science class. I'll be sure to get right on that since I don't teach political science. I'm happy to help you in any way possible. You'll forgive me if I can't comment on content as I'm not a political scientist, and you'll understand if you don't get it back right away since I have a stack of my own students' papers to grade.
I'd also like to remind you that I introduced myself to class as Dr. M on the first day, and I made it very clear that I prefer to be addressed in that way. My name is not now nor has it ever been Mrs. Archer. In fact the only person who uses that name is my mother-in-law, who not only does not know how to use email but is even less likely to be willing to proofread your political science essay for you. In the future, direct all emails to Dr. M--that is if you want me to respond.
Dr. M
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Progress for me at CU
As I've written (or at least as I think I've written), Archer and I have met with the Faculty Retention Officer of CU (I'll call her J), and she's become a great advocate for us in terms of trying to negotiate a more permanent position for me at CU. I think it helps that we know each other outside of the university (Wild Man goes to JK and daycare with her daughter, and Bear and her son were in the same daycare room all last winter) and that we like each other personally (we've been to lunch twice, once professionally and again just because we like each other). I ran into J picking Wild Man up from JK the other day, and she said something along the lines of, "I've passed your info onto the Provost, and he has already spoken to Dr. English and Dr. Writing. Next week he has a meeting to discuss this with the dean of your faculty. I don't know what will happen, but I wanted you to know that you haven't been forgotten." So this seems like good news, right? But, as usual, I took it with a grain of salt. I told Archer, but at this point, neither of us is putting much stock in anything.
Monday morning Dr. Nice Guy (in case you're losing track of all my pseudonyms, Dr. Nice Guy is the former chair of Archer's department) stopped Archer and said, "What has J told you?" Archer said, "Well, she's really talked to M, so you should ask her." Dr. Nice Guy found me later that day and asked me what I knew. I relayed the info that J had passed on, and I also told him that I know that "Dr. Writing and Dr. English have been talking about me. They have both written letters for my job letters, and both have explicitly told me they will do what they can to keep me at CU. Beyond that, I don't know much." He then said, "Well I got a phone call from the dean this weekend asking my opinion, and I told them how wonderful you are. I don't really know what's happening beyond general conversation, but I wanted you to know that the dean is finally paying attention. I think that's progress."
I guess it is, right?
Monday morning Dr. Nice Guy (in case you're losing track of all my pseudonyms, Dr. Nice Guy is the former chair of Archer's department) stopped Archer and said, "What has J told you?" Archer said, "Well, she's really talked to M, so you should ask her." Dr. Nice Guy found me later that day and asked me what I knew. I relayed the info that J had passed on, and I also told him that I know that "Dr. Writing and Dr. English have been talking about me. They have both written letters for my job letters, and both have explicitly told me they will do what they can to keep me at CU. Beyond that, I don't know much." He then said, "Well I got a phone call from the dean this weekend asking my opinion, and I told them how wonderful you are. I don't really know what's happening beyond general conversation, but I wanted you to know that the dean is finally paying attention. I think that's progress."
I guess it is, right?
Narrowly avoided
So one of the unbloggable issues has been resolved, and now I feel like I can blog about it--cryptically. The issue was career related, and it was a university wide issue. It has something to do with contract negotiations. All part-time faculty members at CU now have new contracts, and while they are far from perfect, they are significantly better than what they were. I'm relieved. A potentially bad situation for me professionally and for us personally has been narrowly avoided thanks, in part, to Dr. Writing's mad negotiation skills.
Friday, November 05, 2010
A brief update
I've been thinking about my earlier post since I put it up, and I've seriously considered taking it down for a variety of reasons. I'm going to leave it up, however, because writing it has helped me come to the realization that I'm in a big place of self doubt right now. And I need to try to move past that. I'm also slowly starting to understand that just because Archer and I see us as a package deal professionally doesn't mean that every one else does. I need to not doubt myself or us because of other people's perceptions.
And that is my profound thought of the day.
And that is my profound thought of the day.
I don't know what to write
*Warning: As I wrote this post, I seriously contemplated deleting it because I know I sound like a whiny little bitch in this post. I don't enjoy sounding like a whiny little bitch, but I'm trying to process all of this so that I feel and sound less like a whiny little bitch.
I have a lot of stuff swirling around in my brain, but I'm not sure what to write about. A lot of the things I'm thinking are angry, irrational, and just down right ugly. I've been thinking a lot about my previous post, and I want to say something really deep and profound about my feelings regarding Archer's current and potential professional success. But I'm neither thinking nor feeling something deep or profound. I have figured out why I'm bothered by this particular visit and the comments made by Dr. Bigwig and his partner (who is also an emerging scholar in the field of underwater basket weaving).
Both apparently questioned Archer about the job market and the possibility that he could leave CU. Now, CU is a Research 1 institution. Archer has access to a fair amount of research money (in fact, he's been awarded three internal research grants in the 2 years we've been here). He is expected to do research, and he is getting a lot done. His work is important for lots of reasons, but primarily because his read of a particular underwater basket is changing how all underwater baskets are viewed in the Gulf of Mexico during the Early Modern Period. Given his work, I totally get why he wants to stay at CU. Hell, I'd like to stay at CU. I've been working on some projects of my own that would be much easier for me to accomplish if I were t-t at CU. But here's the thing. I'm not t-t. I have no access to research money. In fact, aside from getting reimbursed for professional memberships, I don't get anything in the way of support. But I digress.
When Dr. Bigwig and his partner (sorry, I know this person deserves a pseudonym, but I'm all tapped out right now) questioned Archer about where he'd accept a position, he gave his standard response: "We'll go where M and I are both able to secure t-t positions." They apparently made some comments like, "Well, you're doing such important work. We hope you won't consider a position at a place that won't allow you to keep up with your research." So they don't want him to take a job at a school that is primarily focused on teaching. I get that; I really do. And before I type the next sentence, I also get that they don't know me. They don't know anything about my work or what I do. But as Archer relayed this whole story, I just got more and more pissed off because I was thinking, as I wrote in my last post, "But what about me?"
I'm so tired of hearing: "Archer is so great. He's so smart. He needs to be at an R1. You can't leave CU, M. It wouldn't be fair to him." (OK, so no one has ever said the last two sentences, but I feel like that is heavily implied. Or perhaps I'm extremely paranoid and am inferring it.) Every time Archer goes to a conference or a faculty meeting, this is the message he comes back with. It pisses me off. It pisses me off because I feel like these people, who don't know me, who don't know anything about our marriage, and who don't know anything about my abilities, are thinking, "Wow, she is really selfish for asking him to move away from such a great gig. She has a job, and while it isn't t-t, it is a good job. She makes more money than she would in the States. Given all his success, it makes more sense for them just to stay at CU, even if she isn't ever offered a t-t position. His work is so important that they need to focus on him. They don't even know if she's publishable." And why does it bother me so much that these people I don't even know may or may not be thinking these things? Well, apparently, here's where blogging leads to an epiphany: because that is what I think about myself.
As I type this long, rambling post, I realize that I have no idea what my career would be like. Yes, I have my doctorate. Yes, I know I'm an excellent teacher, and I am a pretty good writer. But no one has shown the interest in my work that people have shown in Archer's. Maybe it would be better if I just reconciled myself to reaching part time so that Archer can focus on his work and secure tenure. Maybe that is what makes the most sense for our family.
But I know that isn't what makes the most sense for me.
I have a lot of stuff swirling around in my brain, but I'm not sure what to write about. A lot of the things I'm thinking are angry, irrational, and just down right ugly. I've been thinking a lot about my previous post, and I want to say something really deep and profound about my feelings regarding Archer's current and potential professional success. But I'm neither thinking nor feeling something deep or profound. I have figured out why I'm bothered by this particular visit and the comments made by Dr. Bigwig and his partner (who is also an emerging scholar in the field of underwater basket weaving).
Both apparently questioned Archer about the job market and the possibility that he could leave CU. Now, CU is a Research 1 institution. Archer has access to a fair amount of research money (in fact, he's been awarded three internal research grants in the 2 years we've been here). He is expected to do research, and he is getting a lot done. His work is important for lots of reasons, but primarily because his read of a particular underwater basket is changing how all underwater baskets are viewed in the Gulf of Mexico during the Early Modern Period. Given his work, I totally get why he wants to stay at CU. Hell, I'd like to stay at CU. I've been working on some projects of my own that would be much easier for me to accomplish if I were t-t at CU. But here's the thing. I'm not t-t. I have no access to research money. In fact, aside from getting reimbursed for professional memberships, I don't get anything in the way of support. But I digress.
When Dr. Bigwig and his partner (sorry, I know this person deserves a pseudonym, but I'm all tapped out right now) questioned Archer about where he'd accept a position, he gave his standard response: "We'll go where M and I are both able to secure t-t positions." They apparently made some comments like, "Well, you're doing such important work. We hope you won't consider a position at a place that won't allow you to keep up with your research." So they don't want him to take a job at a school that is primarily focused on teaching. I get that; I really do. And before I type the next sentence, I also get that they don't know me. They don't know anything about my work or what I do. But as Archer relayed this whole story, I just got more and more pissed off because I was thinking, as I wrote in my last post, "But what about me?"
I'm so tired of hearing: "Archer is so great. He's so smart. He needs to be at an R1. You can't leave CU, M. It wouldn't be fair to him." (OK, so no one has ever said the last two sentences, but I feel like that is heavily implied. Or perhaps I'm extremely paranoid and am inferring it.) Every time Archer goes to a conference or a faculty meeting, this is the message he comes back with. It pisses me off. It pisses me off because I feel like these people, who don't know me, who don't know anything about our marriage, and who don't know anything about my abilities, are thinking, "Wow, she is really selfish for asking him to move away from such a great gig. She has a job, and while it isn't t-t, it is a good job. She makes more money than she would in the States. Given all his success, it makes more sense for them just to stay at CU, even if she isn't ever offered a t-t position. His work is so important that they need to focus on him. They don't even know if she's publishable." And why does it bother me so much that these people I don't even know may or may not be thinking these things? Well, apparently, here's where blogging leads to an epiphany: because that is what I think about myself.
As I type this long, rambling post, I realize that I have no idea what my career would be like. Yes, I have my doctorate. Yes, I know I'm an excellent teacher, and I am a pretty good writer. But no one has shown the interest in my work that people have shown in Archer's. Maybe it would be better if I just reconciled myself to reaching part time so that Archer can focus on his work and secure tenure. Maybe that is what makes the most sense for our family.
But I know that isn't what makes the most sense for me.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Jobs, Archer, and Academia
Archer is back from his trip. He gave a talk at a major U.S. university. He was invited to give said talk by a major bigwig in his field. I mean a MAJOR bigwig. Dr. Bigwig likes Archer, he likes his work, and he even went so far as to tell Archer that he is right with his reading of underwater basket weaving whereas Dr. Bigwig, who has published about 10 books on underwater basket weaving, is wrong. I'm really proud of Archer. This is significant validation for his work. It also means he has the potential to be someone in his field. I want this for him because he deserves it and he has a lot to say.
But as he told me all of this I couldn't help but think: "What does this mean for me? What does this mean for us?"
More to come . . .
But as he told me all of this I couldn't help but think: "What does this mean for me? What does this mean for us?"
More to come . . .
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
My Mom continued
This month has been punctuated by family visits for us. First Yetta and Pita were here, and then my sister and my nephew came for a long weekend. This week, as I wrote earlier, my mom is here.
Having family visit during the semester is always stressful, but certain family members are more stressful than others. Yetta is her own entity and she creates more havoc than I could convey in single post. Pita, while she keeps the boys (especially Wild Man) occupied, tends to leave a path of destruction in her wake (call me crazy, but I expect a 44-year-old to hang up her towel rather than leave a soaking wet towel on my bed). My sister is wonderful in terms of being helpful (she cooks and cleans), but her presence comes with a continuous commentary about how my house is dirty (um, yes, I have a full-time teaching job as does Archer, I'm on the job market, and I have two kids; my main priority is not making sure all the toy cars under the couch are put away every night), how my house is poorly decorated (suffice to say, I think my house is mostly lovely, but my sister doesn't like my penchant for real art or framed family photographs), and how I don't wear enough make up and need to color my hair to hide the gray (for reals, she says stuff like this). So the first two family visits of the month were stressful.
A visit from my mom brings its own stresses. But here is the primary reason why I'm glad my mom volunteered to help me out this week: she does stuff around the house without me asking her to and, most importantly, without judging me. In fact, this morning as I was getting ready to head to campus with the boys, she said, "Tell me how to work your vacuum. I'll vacuum the house for you. Oh, and where's you're sewing kit? I noticed when I was helping you put away laundry that one of your shirts needs to be fixed." Not only do I appreciate that she freely offered to do these things, I love that she didn't judge me in her offer.
Oh, and it's also nice that she hangs up her towel and makes her own bed.
Having family visit during the semester is always stressful, but certain family members are more stressful than others. Yetta is her own entity and she creates more havoc than I could convey in single post. Pita, while she keeps the boys (especially Wild Man) occupied, tends to leave a path of destruction in her wake (call me crazy, but I expect a 44-year-old to hang up her towel rather than leave a soaking wet towel on my bed). My sister is wonderful in terms of being helpful (she cooks and cleans), but her presence comes with a continuous commentary about how my house is dirty (um, yes, I have a full-time teaching job as does Archer, I'm on the job market, and I have two kids; my main priority is not making sure all the toy cars under the couch are put away every night), how my house is poorly decorated (suffice to say, I think my house is mostly lovely, but my sister doesn't like my penchant for real art or framed family photographs), and how I don't wear enough make up and need to color my hair to hide the gray (for reals, she says stuff like this). So the first two family visits of the month were stressful.
A visit from my mom brings its own stresses. But here is the primary reason why I'm glad my mom volunteered to help me out this week: she does stuff around the house without me asking her to and, most importantly, without judging me. In fact, this morning as I was getting ready to head to campus with the boys, she said, "Tell me how to work your vacuum. I'll vacuum the house for you. Oh, and where's you're sewing kit? I noticed when I was helping you put away laundry that one of your shirts needs to be fixed." Not only do I appreciate that she freely offered to do these things, I love that she didn't judge me in her offer.
Oh, and it's also nice that she hangs up her towel and makes her own bed.
Monday, October 25, 2010
My Mom
My mom is in town to help me with Bear and Wild Man as Archer is going out of town this week. Ordinarily, I wouldn't have asked anyone to come help for 2 nights, but Archer is gone the night I teach from 6 to 9. So I needed someone to give the boys dinner, bathe them, and get them to bed. My mom volunteered, and as I haven't seen her since July, it seemed like a good idea.
Every visit with my mom brings up lots of issues--some good, some bad. The first few days are about me negotiating the issues I have on my own so I can try to enjoy my time with my mom. I'm still in the process of doing that. I'm finding it somewhat easier this time, though, mainly because I'm trying to see my mom through Wild Man's eyes. My son knows nothing of my complicated relationship with my mom. He knows nothing of her bi-polar, of her tendency to over-medicate when she doesn't want to deal with the world, and of my associated trust issues. He only knows that Nana has come to visit, and he is completely enamored of her. Yesterday, while Bear napped and Archer and I both graded papers, my mom played Play-Dough with Wild Man for 2 hours. Then they played hide-n-seek outside. At bedtime, Wild Man demanded that Nana read the book we read every single night--the book that he reserves for me and refuses to let Archer read, the book that no one else has ever read to him. This morning he wanted Nana to take him to school, and when I reminded him that Nana will be picking him up at school tomorrow and she is a little nervous driving in our city and that he needs to help her out, he walked right over to her and hugged her. Then he said, "You can do it, Nana!" As he said that, I thought that I can do it too. I can let go of a lot of this baggage and focus on enjoying the relationship I have with my mom. It isn't perfect, and it does need work. I am often angry with her for various things, but she does love me. I need to focus on that more.
Some day, I'll thank my son for reminding me that sometimes I need to get over myself and focus on all the fun I can have with my mom.
Every visit with my mom brings up lots of issues--some good, some bad. The first few days are about me negotiating the issues I have on my own so I can try to enjoy my time with my mom. I'm still in the process of doing that. I'm finding it somewhat easier this time, though, mainly because I'm trying to see my mom through Wild Man's eyes. My son knows nothing of my complicated relationship with my mom. He knows nothing of her bi-polar, of her tendency to over-medicate when she doesn't want to deal with the world, and of my associated trust issues. He only knows that Nana has come to visit, and he is completely enamored of her. Yesterday, while Bear napped and Archer and I both graded papers, my mom played Play-Dough with Wild Man for 2 hours. Then they played hide-n-seek outside. At bedtime, Wild Man demanded that Nana read the book we read every single night--the book that he reserves for me and refuses to let Archer read, the book that no one else has ever read to him. This morning he wanted Nana to take him to school, and when I reminded him that Nana will be picking him up at school tomorrow and she is a little nervous driving in our city and that he needs to help her out, he walked right over to her and hugged her. Then he said, "You can do it, Nana!" As he said that, I thought that I can do it too. I can let go of a lot of this baggage and focus on enjoying the relationship I have with my mom. It isn't perfect, and it does need work. I am often angry with her for various things, but she does love me. I need to focus on that more.
Some day, I'll thank my son for reminding me that sometimes I need to get over myself and focus on all the fun I can have with my mom.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
A meme
Like Kate, I first saw this meme at rented life's blog, but I didn't think about putting it on my blog until I read Kate's version. I haven't been writing a lot, and what I have been writing is short and focused on the job market. So, following Kate's lead, here are my responses to the meme in an attempt to liven my blog up a bit.
1. What is your favorite word? Wild Man and Bear's real names
2. What is your least favorite word? Like Kate, I really hate moist, but the panties comes a close second.
3. What turns you on? honesty, acceptance, humor, intelligence
4. What turns you off? drama, people who are self-centered, people who claim to be selfless
5. What is your favorite curse word? Wild Man is repeating things we say at the most inopportune moments, so I find myself spelling curse words a lot lately. I really like how a-s-s sounds spelled out for some reason.
6. What sound or noise do you love? Any sound of joy that my boys make, rain, opening a suitcase
7. What sound or noise do you hate? whining, my name being mispronounced
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? doula, elementary school teacher, professional organizer, actress, chef, journalist
9. What profession would you not like to try? medical doctor, nurse, vet, taxidermist
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? "This is a safe place. You will never be judged here."
Your turn!
1. What is your favorite word? Wild Man and Bear's real names
2. What is your least favorite word? Like Kate, I really hate moist, but the panties comes a close second.
3. What turns you on? honesty, acceptance, humor, intelligence
4. What turns you off? drama, people who are self-centered, people who claim to be selfless
5. What is your favorite curse word? Wild Man is repeating things we say at the most inopportune moments, so I find myself spelling curse words a lot lately. I really like how a-s-s sounds spelled out for some reason.
6. What sound or noise do you love? Any sound of joy that my boys make, rain, opening a suitcase
7. What sound or noise do you hate? whining, my name being mispronounced
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? doula, elementary school teacher, professional organizer, actress, chef, journalist
9. What profession would you not like to try? medical doctor, nurse, vet, taxidermist
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? "This is a safe place. You will never be judged here."
Your turn!
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Happy 4th Birthday, Wild Man!
It is hard to believe that you are four years old today. But it is equally hard to remember life without you. Happy birthday, my sweet and wild boy! You make every day an adventure.
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