Audience(s)

I've been thinking a lot about audiences lately, particularly the audience for my blog. I've been rereading past posts and thinking a lot about blogging and my audience. I began this blog ostensibly as a way to work out ideas about my dissertation, and it quickly became more of a journal about my adventures in new motherhood. Occasionally my blog has touched on political issues, and I have continued to blog about my work. But more often than not, I have written about my concerns, anxieties, and triumphs as a new mom. That said, I've been thinking a lot about audience lately.

In all honesty, I don't pay that much attention to how many people look at my blog, although I do try to read most of the comments and reply to them when I feel called to do so. If I was concerned about a large audience, I might experience a similar bloggy depression to the one Lilian at Mama(e) in Translation describes. Like Lilian, I enjoy the feedback, but I still think of this blog as mour of a journal--I don't always know if I want people to respond--or even to read--what I write. Several close friends read my blog on a fairly regular basis, and that make for other audience issues. Unlike my more traditional journals (which I've kept off and on for over 20 years, more off than on lately!), I'm very aware of audience when I blog. Sometimes that is a good thing, like when I write about a political issue that has moved or upset me; in that case I am writing to make my readers (that seems like such a weird thing to say) aware of something that is important to me and that I think may interest them. Sometimes when I want to write about something personal, having an audience, particularly an audience of people I see on a fairly regular basis, isn't a good thing.

From the beginning I've been fairly ambivalent about blogging. I like it and I don't like it; it has its positives and its negatives. But I keep doing it, and I'm not quite sure why. It is an avenue for me to "talk" about things that I don't normally get the opportunity to talk about, and I like that I've met other women who are at a similar place in their lives as I am. But sometimes it is darn annoying to have to think about who will read my blog before I write. That statement begs the question: why don't I blog completely anonymously? For the most part, I am anonymous; if you don't know me, it would be difficult for you to figure out who I am. But, as I said, several good friends know I blog and read my blog with some regularity--at my invitation, I have to admit.

So what is my point? I'm not altogether certain. I'm learning (or perhaps I'm relearning) that it is ok to be ambivalent about something that I generally enjoy doing. I'm also realizing that as much as I claim I would continue to blog if no one read my blog I am not so sure I would. Having an audience makes "journalling" more difficult, but it also makes it more rewarding.

But insurance companies still pay for viagra. . .

So I don't understand why it is such an issue to cover the cost of birth control pills, especially for young women who are clearly not ready to be mothers. "Birth control prices soar on campuses" is another example of how women are penalized for being women. Isn't it more cost-effective for Medicaid and insurance companies to pay for birth control pills than for them to insure children or pay for uninsured children?

I think most of us knew this. . .

"Painful sex common after giving birth": didn't most of us know this already? I think a more important thing to study is why don't more women talk to their doctors (heck, or even each other!) about this. Why is it still taboo for women to discuss sex?

Unmedicated Childbirth

A good friend of mine is expecting her first child in October, and we were recently chatting about unmedicated childbirth. She asked me if I would have another unmedicated birth and if I would use the Bradley method again. I immediately answered yes; I would try for a very similar birth experience, as both C and I were very happy with S's birth. That said, my feelings about our birth experience are very complicated, and while I've happily shared the birth story with most good friends, I haven't really gone into much detail regarding my feelings of the birth. As with most of my mothering decisions, I feel very protective and almost defensive about my experience. My need to write about my protective feelings is more about me thinking through why I'm so protective of the experience rather than feeling attacked by people who disagree with my choice.

I know precisely why I am protective of my birth experience (and I say my rather than our because C and I have very different perspectives on the experience). For me the experience was completely about my family; I wanted to do what was best suited for us. While on some minute level, I did feel committed to having an unmedicated birth to prove all the people who questioned my desire and ability to do it wrong. But all of those feelings went away the minute I went into labor. I've discussed my experience with other women who've had unmedicated childbirth and women who elected to have medication. Most of these women describe the contractions as painful, and while I wholeheartedly agree contractions hurt, I'm unhappy with the word "painful." Since S was born I've been searching for a word to describe what I experienced with my contractions. Painful seems too negative, too harsh. Intense is a good word because I think intense can refer to positive and negative experiences, but painful has too many negative connotations associated with it. Perhaps I'm overly sentimental about S's birth (which is entirely possible considering the difficult days and weeks that followed not only due to having a colicky newborn but due to the death of C's dad the day after S was born), but I'm unhappy calling that experience painful. That day was anything but painful. So now I discover that I've become one of those women who wax poetic about the "pain" associated with childbirth, and I don't feel that accurately describes my experience either. It was a tense and intense day; we came dangerously close to an emergency c-section because S's heart rate was not stable. To this day, I'm not even certain how close we came as I was busy coping with contractions; C, my doula, and my doctor have all told me we were within minutes. Luckily, my doctor was able to turn S while he was inside of me (I will associate pain with that particular experience!), and he quickly stabilized. Forty-five minutes after that, my beautiful son was born. So when people ask me if I would choose another method of childbirth, I have to say no. Our method (I hesitate to say we used the Bradley method because I really believe the Bradley method encourages you to develop your own method of relaxation techniques to get you through childbirth) worked for us once, and I would happily do it again.

Writing this, I find that almost six months later, I still haven't processed that day completely. My life was profoundly changed that day in October. I also know that C and I haven't discussed it as much as either one of us would like to because S's birth is forever connected with his grandfather's death. To me death is painful; birth is not.

Welcome!

My good friend Sarah, who blogs at Mommy, Ph.D., welcomed her baby girl into the world on Sunday. Baby AB, as I believe Sarah is calling her in the blogging world, is a beauty, with long, graceful fingers and a head full of dark hair. Welcome to the world, little girl!

The Decoration of Houses

Warning: I'm using today's post as a free-write to work out some ideas for my dissertation.

I'm reading Edith Wharton's The Decoration of Houses, which she co-wrote with Ogden Codman, in preparation for my trip to her home, The Mount. I'm going there in May to do some research on Wharton's architectural and design ideas. As I was reading, this quotation struck me: "The very dangers and barbarities of feudalism had fostered and preserved the idea of home as something private, shut off from intrusion."

I've been thinking about this sentence since I read it yesterday. The idea that danger and uncertainty promotes privacy of the home interests me. Wharton (and Codman, although I'm much less interested in him) presents very clear ideas of home or the desire for home in many of her works; in fact, my dissertation a chapter on Lily Bart's desire for a home of her own (hence, my interest in Wharton's own home). That struggle and uncertainty promotes privacy seems integral to her fiction, especially The House of Mirth. Lily clearly doesn't experience the same kind of danger Wharton is referring to in this passage from The Decoration of Houses, but Lily does experience a sort of societal danger. But the danger Lily experiences has the opposite affect; it degrades rather than promotes her privacy. I would argue (and I think Wharton would agree) that Lily lacks privacy because of her position in society and because she has no space of her own. Even at the end of the novel, when she is living in a rented room, Lily still does not possess any space that is truly her own. She is excluded from society, and to an extent that exclusion affords her a certain amount of privacy. She is, however, still the talk of her social set, although they have discarded her. Everyone knows where she is and what she is doing, yet none of her "friends" or "family" knows the truth about Lily. How then does her lack of space affect her sense of privacy and her sense of her self? Lily carefully constructs herself to appear one way in front of her friends, and she rarely lets that mask fall, even when she is alone. How closely are space and privacy connected then? Lily has no space, and the only privacy she has is what her social set allows her. Clearly, I'm not sure where I'm going with this yet . . .

Waiting Game

C's on campus interview was earlier this week, so now we're waiting.

New tooth, sitting up, and chunky thighs

It has been an exciting week for S--he is sitting up on his own, he got a new tooth, and his chunky, chunky thighs make it impossible for me to put pants on him. We went to a state park today to admire the wildflowers, and I wanted to dress him in his very cute blue jeans. The blue jeans went on easily, but when I sat him down on the floor to play while I finished getting ready, he toppled over. His jeans were too tight on his chunky thighs for him to bend his legs properly so he couldn't sit up. I laughed so hard I cried, and then I changed my chunky baby's clothes.

Books, parenting, and unsolicited advice

I've recently purchased a few books to help me figure out life with a five-month-old: Super Baby Food by Ruth Yaron, The No-Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley, and Touchpoints: Birth to 3 : Your Child's Emotional and Behavioral Development by T. Berry Brazelton. Each has been helpful, especially Pantley's book, which came highly recommended by my friend Sarah at Mommy, Ph.D. In a recent conversation with my mother, I mentioned my recent book purchases while we were discussing how S is doing with his attempts to eat solid food (as an aside, why do we call rice cereal and baby food solid food?). She asked me what I fed him first, and I said rice cereal mixed with breast milk and, then a few days later, sweet potatoes. She then told me what she fed me and my siblings first--rice cereal and applesauce. She also reminded me, as she has done repeatedly over the past 5 months, that she gave me rice cereal when I was 4 days old and I slept through the night. I told her that I purchased a book on feeding babies, and it suggested the sweet potatoes because of the low likelihood of allergies to sweet potatoes. I then told her about Pantley's book because, frankly, I'm so ready for S to be able to put himself back to sleep that I was (and am!) excited to have a book that has worked for people I know. My mom sighed and said: "I never needed a book to help me with you and your siblings. I don't know why you can't just try the methods I used. You obviously turned out ok."

In the five months I've been a mother (and the 9 I was pregnant before S was born) I heard similar comments from my mother and C's mother. I gave up trying to explain that it had been 30+ years since they had children and that things had changed. I gave up reassuring them that yes, C and I did turn out fine, but that we wanted to be able to do things for our child without calling them or our pediatrician every five minutes. I gave up wanting to strangle both of them, and I simply reminded myself that they were well-meaning because they are. But it is still frustrating. In this particular instance, I just changed the topic. I know the implicit meaning behind my mother's comments: she feels that I'm calling her a bad mother because I'm not following her advice or doing things precisely as she did. I didn't get that when I was pregnant, but I do get that now that I'm a mother. By buying books rather than calling her and relying on her admittedly bad memory, I'm criticizing the choices she made as a mother. I once tried telling her that I research as part of my career so that it comes naturally to me to research things about my child. That didn't work because she said children can't be researched (which, for the record, was one of the most absurd things I think my mother has ever said). I understand that by criticizing my choices, my mother is defending hers. So now instead of getting annoyed with her criticism of me, I just change the subject. I wish she could understand that I'm just trying to figure this all out on my own and not questioning her choices.

On a different note, I spoke to my grandmother yesterday, and she offered some unsolicited advice too. I told her I plan to give S bananas next because I'd read they are easy to digest. She told me to stock up on the stain remover as bananas stain. That was some useful advice!

Too cute

S has a bumbo chair, which he isn't all that fond of. But our cat Pearl has recently discovered it. This was too cute, so I had to share.

I love my boys

I do. I just wanted to share that.

Mixed emotions

C has an on-campus interview, which is great. What is not so great is that the university is in a town more conservative than the one we currently live in and it's even farther away from our families. I'm thrilled that he has an interview, and I'd love for him to get the job. He'd make what we're making together and then some. But I'm not sure I can stomach three or four more years in conservative small town America.

Spring Break is almost over

And I've accomplished absolutely nothing--school wise at least. I haven't done any reading or writing, and I certainly haven't graded any papers. I did manage to clean out S's closet and sort through all the clothes he's outgrown. I put a lot of stuff away should we decide to have another baby (which is the topic on our mothers' minds!), and I'm giving away some stuff that I'm not attached to. C, who is a bit of a pack rat, would have me keep everything, but that just seems unreasonable. Monday I'll be able to get back on my normal schedule. Today, S and I are going to the local pool to sign up for a water babies class and to take a nice long walk in the beautiful spring weather. We may even go buy some flowers to plant!

Sounding board

So as those of you who read this blog and offer many helpful comments have become my sounding board for me and my frustrations regarding C's dissertation, I am, logically, his sounding board. In all honesty, (and yes, C and I have discussed this!) I'm tired of his dissertation. For the past 6 months if we're not talking about S and family issues, we're talking about C's diss and his job search. I honestly don't feel like I can talk about Colonial Merida one more time or the implications of the facade he's focused on. And I know he's tired of it too. I guess I'm feeling a little whiny. I want C's feedback on my work--I want to talk about me for awhile.

One of the things I love the most about our relationship is that we give each other great feedback on each other's work. He has read my proposal several times, and now I want him to read the work I've done on the first chapter I'm working on (ok, so it's only 5 pages). I just don't feel justified in asking him to do it. I so, so, so want him to get finished that I've put a lot on hold because this is what is right for my family. But I'm still a little frustrated. I do have other people who could read it, but the 5 pages are in the "stupid" phase. There are a very select number of people whom I ask to read my work when it is in the "stupid" phase, and that number is 1.

To add to the stress, C's mother (whom I get along quite well with) is in town for the week, and she is spoiling the pants off of S--as much as you can spoil a 4.5 month old. At least I won't have to buy the kid clothes until the end of the summer. . .

Big smile

S and I picked C up at the airport yesterday. After 5 days of not seeing his father, S lit up as soon as C took him from me. Our little guy literally tossed his head back and laughed while grabbing at C's face. I think S's reaction made up for a lot of the frustration C experienced this past week.

Still irritated

After two incredibly productive days, C had problems with his advisor again yesterday. Monday and Tuesday they made great headway, and the first three chapters of his dissertation are finished--or at least ready to send to committee. And he's already spoken with his other committee members, and they both have told him they don't anticipate any problems and are ready to sign off on it. So why is his advisor flipping out and continuing to make comments about his familial responsibilities? I have no idea, but I do know that my usually even-tempered husband called me yesterday afternoon angrier than I have seen him in a long time. Usually he's the one calming me down because I have a quicker temper than he does. But I spent 45 minutes yesterday reminding him why he is in the northeast and why he has to put up with her comments. After her fourth comment regarding his ability to get the dissertation finished and fulfill his familial responsibilities (and after she asked if I had any more conferences to attend!), C finally told his advisor, as politely as he could, that she had made her point and that they needed to get to work so as not to waste the little time they still had together. I am so proud of him for saying that! He kept his temper and managed to get her back on task. Oddly, he seemed more like the teacher than she did.

He and I talked about this for a long time last night, and neither one of us is sure why she had the sudden change in attitude--literally overnight, her entire attitude about his ability to get it all finished changed. While he does have a fair amount of work left to do, it is manageable, and he thinks he can get it done by the end of the month. I hope she cooperates because I don't think he'll be able to stand the disappointment if she prevents him from graduating.

C's dissertation

Since I've written about it so much I thought I'd give you all a glimpse of the building that is the focus of C's dissertation. This picture doesn't do it justice, but it gives you some idea of its complexity. It is the Case de Montejo in Merida, Yucatan.

Light at the end of the tunnel

C gets home tomorrow, and his trip, thus far, has been successful. He and his advisor have gone through each chapter, even eliminating one (although its contents have been put elsewhere). He gives a talk tonight for his department, which is supposed to serve as a practice job talk and preparation for his defense next month. So, in the end, all the hassle I wrote about yesterday seems to have been worth it. He will graduate as planned, and we can now begin planning our trip up north to attend his graduation and visit some good friends. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Academic Women, Supportive Wives?

I really wanted to write about this last week when the annoying person intruded upon my life, but I was so angry that I wanted to take some time out to think about the annoying person and the annoying event.

C is currently at his "home" university, meeting with his dissertation advisor to finalize his dissertation and make plans for his defense next month. His trip is annoying to me for several reasons. First, it seems what is being done could have been done long distance, as he had done most of the work long distance. Second, the flight and hotel stay was very expensive, and as 2 graduate students with a child, we don't have a lot of disposable income. But as the trip was planned some time ago, I had time to mentally prepare and time to establish a routine with S, which has made it easier for the two of us to be alone. But he was supposed to go last week, and the weather delayed him. He was set to leave on a Sunday, but he couldn't make all of his connecting flights due to weather. He could have gotten there by Tuesday, but then he had to meet me in another city on Thursday, as I was presenting at a major conference. I, obviously, needed him to take care of S while I was at the conference. The conference didn't offer childcare, and I didn't know anyone else attending. As I said, we had worked this all out over two months ago, but the weather simply didn't cooperate. When C called his advisor to tell her all of this, she flipped out. She essentially demanded that he get there as soon as he could and advised me to find childcare in the city of the conference or cancel my trip altogether. She told him that he didn't have time for such distractions and that if he didn't make the planned trip then they would seriously have to reevaluate whether he'd be able to graduate on time. I was LIVID. I felt like I was being attacked for not supporting my husband. Now, since S has been born, I've had decisions I've made as a mother criticized by various people, and I feel like I handle those quite well. But what I found so annoying about this particular situation was that this woman, a fellow academic, was questioning my need to attend a professional conference. She was essentially telling C that he needed the kind of wife who would put her career on hold indefinitely so that he could complete his dissertation. My conference wasn't as important as his meeting. To be completely honest, I don't think my conference was as important, and if necessary, I would have cancelled--it is more important for my family that C finish his degree and get a job than it is that I go to a conference right now. That said, I don't think she had any right saying that or even implying it. In the end, C had to reschedule his trip due to the weather, and she seemed to understand. We were able to arrange everything so that I made my conference, and he is at his "home" university now. She even apologized for flipping out, but in her apology she said "This is the disadvantage of being an academic couple with a child," a comment that didn't sit well with me at all.

In the week since this happened, I've been thinking about it a lot, and I'm still not certain what bothers me the most about her comments. I have no relationship with this woman, so her opinion doesn't really matter to me. But I felt like my choices were being questioned, and I felt like she was suggesting that being an academic and being a mother aren't compatible. My biggest fear in life is that I will have to sacrifice time with my child for my career or vice versa, so her comments gave voice to anxieties I've already been experiencing. I also didn't like my reaction to her comments and her suggestion that I find childcare in a city I'd never been to before and would only be in for 2 days: I immediately thought, "Spoken like someone who doesn't have children." I've written before about the division between women with children and those without, and all of a sudden I found myself in the middle of this debate--and I didn't want to be there. I'm still angry that she, an academic woman, suggested my career wasn't as important as C's and that she suggested that I wasn't being a supportive wife, but I honestly don't know which bothered me more. I wanted to list all the sacrifices I've made in recent months so C could work on his dissertation, as well as the time he's sacrificed with S and me to work on it. I then wanted to remind her what it was like to be at my stage in her career and how important conferences can be. But then I'm not defending my choices or my family's choices to her, I'm defending them to myself. Her comments brought all of my insecurities about motherhood and academia to the surface at a time when I thought I'd had all that figured out. That I am now rethinking all of that really annoys me.

S and the bottle

S continues to improve with the bottle. As Supadiscomama predicted, he began to take the bottle when he started daycare. Being my kid, however, it wasn't easy. For the first week, I would prepare 2 bottles every morning, and when I picked him up, I would take home 2 bottles, minus 1 ounce of breastmilk. As soon as I got him home, he would nurse for over an hour to make up for what he had missed in the 4 hours we were apart. My stubborn boy would take drink just enough milk to take the edge off of his hunger, and then he would wait for me. The one of his teachers decided to experiment with nipples. A breastfeeding mother herself, she tried a type of latex nipple that her own son preferred. As soon as she put the bottle in S's mouth, he downed the entire 2 ounce bottle and then ate the other. The next day, I prepared bigger bottles, and today, he drank a 5 ounce bottle. He still nursed for an hour when we got home, but I now choose to believe it is because he missed me and our snuggly time together rather than because he was famished. C was home with us today, so he got to experience the marathon nursing session first hand. He asked me if I minded that S wanted to snuggle and eat that long, and I assured him I didn't. I've come to think of that hour (and sometimes longer!) as our special time together. I quickly realized that C was a little jealous of my time with S, so as soon as he finished nursing and his short nap, I passed him over to his dad for some serious playtime. I spent the next hour watching them play together.

I have to say that although I still hate that I have to take my son to daycare, I no longer feel guilty about spending so much time with him. After my four hours of work, I'm more than ready to spend the rest of the day with my little guy.

Changes

Before I begin, I must confess that I contemplated trying to title this post like the David Bowie song of the same name, but I'm not sure how to express phonetically. . .

My life is changing. C is currently on the job market; he recently had 5 interviews at his field's equivalent to MLA. All the interviews went well, and now he's anxiously awaiting the call for on campus interviews. I really want him to get a job, and not for all the normal reasons. Yes, the increased income would be nice, and yes, I want a bigger apartment. But I really want him to get a job because he has had a hard year. Basically, he deserves the validation that I know will come with a job offer. He does great research in a very interesting and understudied area. He also sacrificed a lot for me to work on my doctorate while he was still working on his. When we moved for me to begin my program, he had to get a job as an adjunct instructor, and he effectively lost a year. Since then he has faced lots of other challenges, and he's overcome them all. I really don't want to move because we have a great group of friends, I have a support system of other academic mothers, and I'm really happy with our life here, despite the obvious drawbacks of small town life. But I want this for him. He deserves it, and everyday I check our answering machine with fingers crossed hoping this is the day he gets a call about a second interview.

To blog or not to blog

Since S started daycare 2 weeks ago, I've felt less of a need to blog. I now have four hours every morning to work, and thus far, I've made good use of that time. I now have creative and intellectual outlets; I don't have to rush to get something done or hope he'll nurse long enough for me to get out a blog. That said, blogging simply hasn't been on my mind lately. I've had plenty to write about, but just not much inclination. Not surprising--I've always journaled on a whim, and since I think of this a journaling, I'm only doing in when the mood strikes me. I do, however, miss the community aspect of blogging, so I'm hoping to get the inclination more.

Politics, Potential Presidents, and Roe v. Wade

I definitely don't want anyone in the White House whom people are comparing to Ronald Reagan. I had thought John McCain might be the least detrimental of the potential Republican candidates, but after reading "McCain says Roe should be overturned" I'm not so sure.

A new baby and daycare

Yesterday I acted as a doula for my good friend and happily helped her and her husband welcome their beautiful baby girl into the world. I have to say birth is an entirely different experience when you're not the one giving birth. It was so thrilling to see Baby J crown and to encourage her mother to fulfill her goal of unmedicated childbirth. I was deeply honored to be there and very, very happy to return the favor, as Baby J's mama acted as my doula at S's birth three months ago. As I was with my birth experience, I was deeply awed by the strength of the female body. Welcome to the world Baby J!

After such a great day, I woke up this morning not feeling so great. Today is the first day I take S to daycare. I will be with him the entire time as we're spending this week transitioning. Tomorrow C will take him, and on Friday, we will take him together. We've talked about this endlessly, and while I know it is the right decision, I feel horrible. I'm going to be a complete wreck next Monday, the first day I will leave him by himself. As I reread that sentence, I know how preposterous it sounds. I am not leaving him by himself. I'm leaving him with capable caregivers whom I trust and who were highly recommended by two good friends. I know I'm setting myself up to feel like a bad mother, whatever that means, but I really feel like I'm leaving him all alone.

Sexuality, Gender, and My Son

After Sarah's post on RB and the infamous Judith Butler, I've been thinking a lot about S, gender, and sexuality. For several weeks now, C and I have been commenting on S's fascination with women. My 3-month-old son will bat his big blue eyes and flash his charming smile at any woman he sees, but he will only smile for C and a few close male friends. He really seems to prefer women. Yesterday a good friend and I took S to a coffee shop, where we sat near a pretty undergrad studying macroeconomics. S immediately began smiling at her and "talking" to her; he only stopped when she finally acknowledged him. For the entire 45 minutes we were there, he made eyes at this attractive young woman, and quite honestly, he gave me the dirtiest look when we left. Does this mean anything? I certainly don't think so, but when C relayed this story to his mother last night, she expressed relief that "S isn't gay." Apparently since her youngest grandson is growing up with academic parents who vote Democrat and don't go to church regularly, she feared he would be gay. When C told me of his mother's comments, I rolled my eyes and went on with my nightly routine. But the comment bothered me. Frankly, I couldn't care less if my son is homosexual or heterosexual or bisexual; he can be whatever he wants to be so long as he grows up to be a caring, thoughtful individual who is considerate of other people. So why is my son's gender and sexuality so important to so many people?

I don't believe S has a gender right now, and I've read enough theory (and more to the point, I actually buy into a lot of the theory) to know his sex can change too. But to be honest, I'm not so progressive that I dress him in dresses or put bows on his head. I buy his clothes in the boys' department, and after he was born I was very happy to be able to do so rather than buying one more yellow sleeper, as yellow is apparently the only gender-neutral color. That said, gender seems so irrelevant at his age. He doesn't know the difference between a truck and a doll (and yes, he has both, and right now, he prefers the doll, although he doesn't know what a doll is), and he won't know the difference until C and I explain it to him. So why did my mother wait to begin making him a baby quilt until he was born? She wanted to know if she could use pink or blue. Why did my mother-in-law put aside the Madame Alexander catalog once S was born? Boys don't like dolls. If RB can realize that gender is malleable and ever-changing, why can't most adults? I think I'll invite RB over to play with S so she can begin to explain the complexities of gender to him.

Frustration

I continue to feel frustrated over work. C asked me last night why I was blogging rather than using the 45 minutes I had to myself to work. I wanted to strangle him, although I suppose it is a valid question. My answer: in 45 minutes I can compose a blog post that relieves some frustration and releases some creative and intellectual energy; in short, I can finish a blog post in 45 minutes. 45 minutes, however, is just enough time for me to get into a writing groove, at which time I am generally interrupted by S. C's academic work is taking precedence in our family right now because he graduates in May and has several interviews lined up for next month. I know that this is a necessary shift; I have enough time to get the work done I need to for my online class, but not much time to read or write for my dissertation. I'm finding that very, very frustrating. Yesterday I found myself trying to explain the complex mind of Doreen Masey to S while he nursed; he didn't find it at all amusing, especially as he has an ear infection and a bad cold.

Breastfeeding divide

Whenever I find an article like this one "Food or lewd? Breast-feeding opens divide," I always want to rail at the media. Would their really be a divide between breastfeeding moms and bottle-feeding moms if the media didn't report on or, dare I say it, create such divides? I've read a lot about the so-called "Mommy Wars" between working moms and stay-at-home moms, but I've often wondered if these "wars" would exist if some idiot at Newsweek didn't think it would make a great article to interview working moms and stay-at-home moms and ask them why and how they resent each other. Do mothers really have time to think about waging a war with other mothers? I don't mean to diminish the very real tensions that exist among mothers, but I do wonder if these tensions exist partly because the media continues to report on them.

Writing and guilt

I am longing to write, and I want to write more than just a blog entry, more than just a lengthy email to a friend, more than just an announcement to my students, more than just a travel request to my department. I want to begin drafting a chapter of my dissertation. I know what I want to write and how I want to write it, but I need several uninterrupted hours to sit down and do it. I spent an hour and a half formulating an entire section in my head last night at 3 am while S nursed. Once he fell back asleep (after 25 minutes or so) I even contemplated getting up and working, something I never, never thought about before he was born. But, as usual, my mind wandered to something else, and although it took me over an hour to fall back to sleep, I didn't think about writing again. I've resigned myself to the reality that I won't likely get any real writing done until he starts daycare in a few weeks, and I'm feeling a tremendous sense of guilt over that. I am so conflicted about daycare. I have learned in the past three months that I am not stay at home mom material. In the past three months that I've been a SAHM, I have developed the highest esteem for SAHMs; I want to want to be one, but I can't even manage to take care of S all day long and throw dinner in the crock pot most days. I don't have it in me to be a SAHM because I don't think I'd be a good one. I'm a perfectionist, and in the past three months I haven't found time to dust my house while taking care of my infant let alone do all the other stuff my mom did as a SAHM. There hasn't been any homemade bread for C or fancy dinners. And I feel like I should be doing all things domestic now that I'm home most of the time, but I end up sitting at my desk, nursing S, staring longingly at a huge pile of books while the dust continues to accumulate on my bookshelves. If I were working more, I feel like I'd have an excuse for not doing all those things, not that C expects or wants them. I have this image of a SAHM in my head, and I haven't lived up to it.

So I look forward to writing when he starts daycare, and then I feel guilty for that. I don't want S to go to daycare, not even part-time. I never expected to feel so conflicted about daycare; it was always understood that our children would go to daycare for some period. I've found one I like, and I've talk to the teachers at length. I know he'll be happy there, and he'll even benefit from the interaction with other kids. But I feel like a horrible mother for sending him. I feel like I should be able to be take care of S, write a brilliant dissertation, and make homemade bread for C (who has never once expressed an interest in or a desire for homemade bread). As with every part of my life, I know my expectations of myself are too high. I want to be able to do it all and to do it all really well. So right now the closest I can come to writing is this blog. When S starts daycare, I know I'll spend the first few days crying, and then maybe I can get past my guilt and start writing again.

Can you explain this to me?

For the past month or so, we've been trying to get into a routine. During the last 2 weeks of our winter break, I mandated that we all (C, S, and me) be up, out of bed, dressed, fed, and ready to go--even if we were hanging out at home that day--by 9:00. Every morning that both C & I were home, we failed miserably. I repeatedly found myself still in my pajamas at 10:30 or later. With 2 adults home, we couldn't manage to get S ready for the day let alone ourselves. Last week, C's semester started; he is gone 2 days a week from 6:30 until 3:00 or so and one afternoon from 1:00 until around 7:00. Every day he has left the house at 6:30, I have managed to fulfill the mission I gave both of us: S & I are up, fed, dressed, and ready for the day by 9:00. I told C this and he looked at me as though I were Superwoman. He asked if S & I hung out in bed like the three of us do on the mornings that C is home. I told him we did all the normal things--we did S's "baby exercises" in bed, he nursed for 30 minutes after that (I manage to make myself a quick breakfast before he nurses, so I can eat while he nurses), and then he played in his bouncy seat while I took a short shower and got dressed. This morning, I've even managed to make the bed, wash a load of clothes, and run the vacuum cleaner upstairs--all before my online office hours begin at 10:30. Granted, C did feed the cats, make coffee, and unload the dishwasher before he left this morning. But why is it that I can get all of that done on my own while caring for S, but the two of us can't?

My explanation: I'm much more productive when I know I don't have anyone else to rely on. I don't spend half of my morning asking C for help or waiting for C to do something for me. I just do it myself. So why don't I just do it all myself when he's home? I've been asking myself that, and I have two explanations that I am happy with.

1. He needs to feel needed.
2. I don't want to do it all myself! I want us to work out a morning routine together that gets us all up and ready for the day by 9:00! I think we'll have to keep working on that one . . .

Are you ever to old to have a baby?

I ran across this article, which was published on MSNBC a few months ago. Like the LAF website, this falls into the category of "I don't know what to make of this." While on some level I agree with the author that 66 may be too old to have a child, I don't agree with the way he has gendered his reasoning. His reasoning is simple: the parent may die before the child reaches adulthood. In the beginning, he cites the numerous well-known men who have had children over the age of 55--Tony Randall, Donald Trump, Larry King, Luciano Pavarotti, and others--along side well known women who have had women past the age of 45--Cheryl Tiegs and Geena Davis are the two he cites. I immediately noticed the age differences. I also immediately noticed that Tiegs and Davis have been open about the fertility treatments they went through to become pregnant while all of the men were able to conceive naturally. The author goes on to state "My proposal is that anyone over sixty-five who is single should not use reproductive technology to have a child. If you have a partner, then your total ages should not be more than 130. And if you are female and at or near fifty-five years of age and going to carry a pregnancy, then you can use reproductive technology only if you can pass a tough physical examination. Sixty-six—forget it." This sounds like a reasonable proposal (although a bit intrusive and I'd also like to know who made him the fertility police), but what is implicit in his argument is the assumption that he will only "police" those who need fertility treatment. Seventy-plus- year-old men can (and do) impregnate women without fertility treatment, so the author is seemingly arguing that post-menopausal women are those who should not have children. Further, his pronouns after the above quoted paragraph are almost exclusively feminine. Women, then, cannot have children past the age of 45, but men can continue to have children as long as they can get a prescription for Viagra. There seems to be a flaw in his argument. Is age really so important when it comes to parenting? Perhaps we should judge parents by their parenting skills rather than by their ability to become pregnant or to impregnate someone else.

Not sure what to make of this one. . .

Since I'm trapped inside once again due to inclement weather, I don't really feel like working today; knowing that the university is closed somehow gives me license to slack off, as if I needed that. I was clicking on various links on blogs I visit often, and I found one called Mom & Much More that really interesting. On her blog, I found a link to Ladies Against Feminism, which appears to be a thoughtful, well written blog, albeit one I am not sure how I feel about. It is written from a Christian perspective, and in truth, it is fairly well written--I already said that, didn't I? I'm not sure why I find that surprising, but I do. . . What bothers me the most is the site's tone. It is prescriptive rather than objective; it is clearly telling readers what to think and feel. That bothers me no matter what the political or religious content of the site. I've stopped visiting the NOW site for the same reason. I am a big supporter of NOW, but I don't enjoy being told what to think about issues. I'd much rather read an objective article so that I can make my own decision than be told what I am supposed to think. The LAF site also bothers me because it assumes that being a Christian and a feminist are mutually exclusive ideas.

Progress

This morning S took a bottle from C in the house with almost no fussing, and he promptly fell asleep for 45 minutes afterward. We were able to eat lunch together for the first time in weeks--and I didn't even have to nurse S through lunch. It feels good to know that he is slowly figuring out the whole bottle thing.

So the uncertainty begins. . .

C has been applying for jobs since just after S was born. He has submitted over 40 job packets, and late last week, he received his first call for an interview. This was something to celebrate in our home! C had S while he was listening to the answering machine message, and he immediately passed S off to me so that he could run around the house screaming like a mad man! It was both amusing and endearing. It has been a tough year for C for a lot of reasons. First his advisor basically dumped him (said advisor took a position at another school over a year ago and assured C he would stay on as his advisor, but this summer, he suddenly dumped all his students from his previous university), he was forced to take on advisor who works in his time period but not his specialty, he has been working like mad to finish his dissertation, and he has been trying to balance fatherhood with a full-time teaching load and working on his dissertation. On top of that, his father died less than 24 hours after S was born. So last week's phone call gave him a much needed boost of confidence and a reminder that he is good at what he does.

While I was so happy to see my husband excited and happy, I am feeling a fair amount of uncertainty about the next few months. I truly hope that C gets several more interviews and that many of those result in on-campus interviews. But I am not mentally prepared to move in August, especially not across the country. Despite the disadvantages of smallish-town life, I have to admit I'm happy here.

MLA and my residual guilt

MLA was over 2 weeks ago, but I'm still experiencing a lot of residual guilt from the conference. While I sat in interviews and engaged in some really great intellectual conversations and learned a lot about what to do and what not to do when I am on the job market myself, S & C struggled 7 floors below me. S has been refusing to take a bottle for several weeks now, and his refusal came to a head in a hotel room in Philadelphia. So even though my son is now taking bottles occasionally (we're still working on it) and my husband and I have discussed my guilt and his frustration, I still feel horrible about that entire experience. My guilt was compounded when I asked a friend to watch S yesterday for about an hour; again, he refused to take a bottle, and my friend was forced to come get me so I could nurse S. Later that afternoon C tried again to give him a bottle, and again, S refused. After 15 minutes of screaming, I couldn't take it. I took him from C and nursed him, and as soon as he positioned himself at the breast he latched right on and gave what I imagine must have been a sigh of relief. While I know these episodes, as C & I have started to call them, won't scar S for life, they are scarring me a bit. I already have a fair amount of anxiety about daycare, which S starts in a few weeks, but his refusal to take a bottle is making my anxiety a thousand times worse. Unfortunately, I simply can't be with him all the time, and I've worked out what I think is an ideal situation. He'll be in daycare 4 hours a day while I frantically work on my dissertation, and he'll spend the afternoons with both parents most days. I feel really good about this decision, or at least I did until he stopped taking bottles. My advisor told me what she hoped would be a reassuring story about her son: he never took a bottle, and she had her dissertation finished by the time he was 2. She said, "I'm proof that a dissertation can be written while your child naps." I fear I'm nowhere near as organized as my advisor, so I didn't find this particularly helpful. As I type this post, S is nursing away, and C is making up a bottle for later this afternoon to try again.

The measure of a mother

I came across this very interesting article entitled "What's the real measure of a ‘good mom’?" and numerous responses to it. Reading this article made me ask myself (once again): are we obsessed with motherhood, and why is motherhood valued so much more than fatherhood? And finally, is it even possible to define what it means to be a good mother or a good father?

As S plays away in his bouncy chair right beside me while C edits a dissertation chapter, I wonder if S will value one parent more than the other. At this point in his life, it seems silly for me to even contemplate that. But remembering my own childhood, I do have to admit that there were certain times when I preferred one parent to another. My mom was great for making things better, and I can remember wanting to be with my mother much more when I was younger. But my mom wasn't always so great at helping me when things couldn't be made better. As I got older and life got more complicated, my dad was much better at helping me with things that couldn't be fixed--he'd let me cry and rant until I felt better about whatever had upset me, while helping me realize that not everything could be made better with a hug. Both of my parents had their strengths, and I value both equally, although very differently. My mom taught me to be a loving, compassionate person, while my dad taught me that I could accomplish whatever I wanted. Both encouraged me to challenge myself and to ask questions of those around me. Without either of them, I wouldn't be where I am today, and I know I will take things from both of their parenting styles as I parent my own son.

So why do we rarely see articles on the measure of a father? Why do we assume that mothers play a more influential role in the lives of their children? It seems as though when children succeed or fail the mothers are held responsible. As much as our society claims to value equality in parenting, we still seem to value mothers more, and along with valuing mothers more, we also hold them to unreasonable standards.

MLA

This will be the first in a series of posts on MLA, so here goes.

I recently attended MLA for the first time, and my experience was good and bad. First, I didn't attend a single session or here a single paper given, so I can't speak to that aspect of the conference. I attended the conference as the graduate student representative on my department's hiring committee. My knowledge of MLA as a conference is limited to a very nice suite in a very nice Philadelphia hotel, where I sat with 4 other people for 2 days interviewing a total of 14 candidates. Much of the time I was wondering whether C, who was 7 floors below me with S, was having any luck getting S to take a bottle and if I'd have enough time to run downstairs and nurse S between interviews. That said, I learned a lot about the job market and the interview process. I hope that the process will be much less stressful when I am on the market. Here are a few things I learned:

1. Don't be boring.
2. Answer the question--much like a Presidential campaign, if you don't answer the question asked, you will just piss off potential voters.
3. Be prepared to answer the obvious question--for example, if you've applied for a position in 19th-century American lit, be prepared to answer questions regarding your teaching and research in that area.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year! I am hoping to be able to blog more in the future now that S is beginning to be able to entertain himself.

Celebrity mothers and privacy

Supadiscomama blogged about celebrity mothers a few weeks ago, and I've been thinking about her views in terms of my own interests of public and private. Supa argues that celebrity mothers should come clean about their ability to instantaneously recover their figures after childbirth. Like Supa, I find myself a bit annoyed by women like Heidi Klum who are able to don lingerie and walk down the catwalk in front of thousands a mere few weeks after giving birth. I am fully aware that such women pay lots and lots of money to regain their figures quickly--and I can only imagine sacrifice lots of time with their newborn children to do so. While I applaud women like Patricia Heaton and Sarah Jessica Parker who have publicly explained how they were able to regain their figures, I don't think I have any right to know that. For me, it is a privacy issue--and part of the reason why I've tried to stop reading E news and watching E! I'm not claiming any sort of moral superiority here either. But I've complained about the tabloid nature of our culture enough that I feel like I need to stop contributing to it. So while I will still feel bitter about Heidi Klum's abs while I struggle to even find the time to do a single sit-up, I pledge to try to not care about her abs or any other celebrity's abs. After all, I darn sure don't want anyone looking in my bathroom and discovering what few "beauty secrets" I have.

Will they use it?

I am thrilled at the prospect of a male birth control pill, but I wonder if men will really use it. . .

Public vs. Private

The more I blog (and admittedly, I haven't been blogging that much lately) the more C & I discuss the public nature of blogging, something he is increasingly uncomfortable with. We've discussed setting up a family blog, so that our families and friends (most of whom live far away) could get more regular updates and see pictures of S, who is changing every day. C is really uncomfortable with this idea. He dislikes the idea of anyone being able to see pictures of all of us, especially S. I'm not sure why it bothers him so much, but he is genuinely concerned about posting pictures of S on the web. For him, it blends the public and private too much, whereas I'm largely unconcerned. I do try to maintain anonymity, although several people do know my "true" identity--but these are all the people I consider to be close friends. So we will continue this debate. . .

Is anyone really surprised?

Considering the state of women's equality in the world, are we really surprised that the UN failed to elect a woman Secretary General?

Proposal Approved!

My proposal has officially been approved by all committee members! Now I just have to get everyone's signatures on the official form (a feat in itself), and I will officially be ABD. That is a load off of my mind.

Things about motherhood no one can prepare you for #3

As C, S, and I slowly establish a routine (notice I didn't say schedule!), these things aren't coming to me as quickly. My latest revelation is that no one can prepare you for how fast your child grows and changes. S is now almost 7 weeks old, and he is a completely different baby. He has gained 4-plus pounds, grown at least 3 inches, and changed so fast. He can hold his head up and is kicking his legs like crazy. He is also sleeping better, nursing more efficiently, and cooing all the time. While I'm so thrilled to get to know his emerging personality (he is both stubborn and demanding, as things must happen on his time table!), I do miss the little guy we brought home from the hospital. I am enjoying be able to put him down more often as I can get things done, but I am a little sad that he no longer feels the need to be held constantly. I'm learning that motherhood is about love, acceptance, and moving on. I don't have much time to dwell on how fast he is changing since I have to be on my toes to keep up with him.

Motherhood, Fatherhood

Mommy, Ph.D. and Supadiscomama have an interesting and insightful discussion of motherhood and fatherhood on their blogs, which I've commented on. I would like to add that I find it equally interesting and ironic that in a society where we tend to value motherhood over fatherhood (as Ms. Reads pointed out in her comment on Supadiscomama's post, people rarely ask a father how much time he is taking off after the birth of a child) we also emphasize the importance of the two-parent household. Stay at home mothers with husbands who work full-time jobs often feel like single mothers (I have a good friend who has this complaint. Her husband owns his own business and often works 70-plus hours a week.). They have a happy, healthy marriage, but she does everything at home, not by choice but by necessity. So their 2-parent household is effectively a 1-parent household much of the time. The people over at Focus on Family don't seem to address that issue. . .

As if new moms didn't have enough to worry about. . .

I found an article on mental health and new mothers that is interesting, but it certainly isn't reassuring.

Focus on Family

Sarah over at Mommy, Ph.D. has introduced me to the Focus on Family website, especially its discussion of working mothers. I'm so flabbergasted that I can't even speak, let alone write a coherent response. James Dobson (who has a Ph.D. in child psychology) writes "The issue, then, is not whether a woman should choose a career and be a mother, too. Of course she has that right, and it is nobody's business but hers and her husband's. I would simply plead that you not allow your family to get sucked into that black hole of exhaustion. However you choose to divide the responsibilities of working and family management, reserve some time and energy for yourselves -- and for each other. Your children deserve the best that you can give them, too."

I always want to throttle anyone who makes statments like this. He assumes it is a choice. We couldn't survive if only one of us worked, even if we weren't both working on advanced degrees. I know very, very few families that could. And his statement regarding fathers is antiquated and offensive. Most fathers I know, including C, work just as hard as I do to give their children the best while trying to fulfill their own needs.

Holidays

The holidays are upon us, and as usual, I anticipate them with mixed emotions. I actually really enjoy the holidays. C & I have our own traditions that we like to follow, and we're both very excited to experience our first holiday season with S. That said, our families can make the holiday season much more stressful. We live across the country from our families, so every year (in July or August) the inevitable questions begin: are you coming "home" for Christmas? I've yet to figure out how to answer that question. I'm not being cryptic or sarcastic--for a change. It is simply that as a married adult who has not lived in the same city as her parents for over 8 years, I don't necessarily think of the city where I grew up as "home" anymore. I also have a hard time thinking of my parents' house as "home." I really like visiting our families, for the most part, but I have to be honest--I prefer my own space. I dont necessarily think of TX as home either, but it is where C, S, & I live together. It is our space, with our things and our habits. This year's travel is going to be doubly stressful. We haven't been "home" during Christmas for 2 years, we have S, and C's dad died in October (the day after S was born). I have so many mixed emotions about this trip that I feel compelled to write about it, and since this blog has become my journal of sorts, it seemed like the best place.

We've been married for over 6 years, and we've yet to figure out how to have a stress-free holiday with our families. One would think that since they live in the same city it would be easier. Nope, nope, nope. We are still expected to divide our time precisely, and we're constantly concerned about not hurting anyone's feelings. Our parents also conveniently forget that we both still have friends in town we'd like to see, but that becomes almost impossible with all the things planned for us. And that is what stresses me out the most. I HATE to have things planned for me; actually, I just really dislike being told I HAVE to do something. Like attending an extended family dinner with people I don't know, have nothing in common with, and who barely acknowledge my presence while I'm attending said dinner. Being with C's extended family stresses me out a great deal. I'm not who they expected C to marry, and I feel like many of them blame me for "taking" him out of the family circle. In their minds, I'm somewhat unconventional. My family, in all honesty, isn't much better. My parents take a very laid back approach, telling me "do what you need to do," which actually only works to add more stress. So it will be interesting, needless to say. I plan to use a very convenient excuse my good friend Sarah has suggested: I'm going to spend a lot of time breastfeeding S in my old bedroom to get away from all the excitement. . .

Conflicted

I've been doing some reading about the FDA's recent decision to lift the ban on silicone breast implants, and I have to admit I'm conflicted about this decision. Personally, I think implants are a bit silly--I think it is important to be satisfied with one's body. That said, I don't think I have the right to tell another woman that she shouldn't get implants. So when I read FDA Approval of Dangerous Implants During Lame Duck Session Follows FDA Pattern of Favoring Money and Politics Over Science, I was somewhat conflicted. First of all, I've done some research on the science--there isn't any real scientific evidence linking silicone to any illnesses suffered by the women who experienced leaks in the past. Second, and here is where my real conflict comes in, it is a woman's choice to get implants as much as it is her choice to have an abortion, have a child, or use birth control. It seems to me that the FDA has made women aware of the potential risks, and many, many women (about 300,000 a year if I remember the stat correctly) choose to get implants, and many women prefer silicone to saline. The NOW article annoys me for the same reason that articles about the "Mommy Wars" irritate me. Many feminists (and I proudly call myself a feminist and plan to raise my son to be one as well) seem to forget that the purpose of feminism was to give women more choices, not to limit their choices or, worse, castigate them for their choices that some see as anti-feminist.

Sack Kerouack!

NOW has an electronic petition to keep Eric Kerouack, who advocates an abstinence only birth control policy, from being appointed Deputy Assistant Secretary for Populations Affairs. Check out and sign the Sack Kerouack! petition.

Thanksgiving

Here is what I'm thankful for . . .

I am a mother

I don't mean to state the obvious, especially as this blog has become more a discussion of motherhood than academia, but I'm still processing the recent changes in my life. Motherhood sort of snuck up on me, which is odd considering that C and I planned for S for quite some time. In the grand scheme of things, it didn't take us a long time to get pregnant (7 months, but only 4 cycles), but it did take us a while to feel prepared to have a family. I have since learned that there is no way I could have been really prepared for motherhood. At least once a day, I suddenly realize that I am a mother. It is a wonderful, glorious, scary, daunting, and beautiful feeling. As intimidating as that realization is, I wouldn't change anything about our lives now. Even though S is only a month old (only! I already feel like my little boy is growing up too fast!), I feel like I've known him forever. He is definitely the best of both C and I--and I even feel that way when he keeps us up in the middle of the night, as he did last night.

Supadiscomama

Allow me to introduce you all to one of my good friends, Supadiscomama. She is also an academic mother; her son is 17 weeks old, and she's currently studying for her prelim exams. And she has some really interesting things to say.

Things about motherhood no one can prepare you for #2

Breastfeeding is messy, particularly when S hasn't nursed in a few hours. During the day, we manage to stay pretty clean, as he is eating every few hours (if not every hour), but at night, we both get soaked at least once. When he comes off the breast, he doesn't give much warning, so often, he ends up with breast milk all over his face, and I end up with it all over whatever I'm wearing. I've done more laundry and gone through more stain remover in the past week than I thought possible.

So all potential new mothers, wear old clothes to bed, buy really good breast pads (I recommend Lansinoh pads), and invest in some stain remover!

Things about motherhood no one can prepare you for . . .

My friend Supadiscomama has commented on my posts "Things no one tells you about motherhood." She pointed out that even if she had told me all of these things I likely wouldn't have understood or even believed her until S was born. I think she may be right, so I'm changing the title of these posts (and I have no idea how many more I'll write about--I think this could go on forever).

So the #1 thing about motherhood that no one can prepare you for . . . falling in love with your husband/partner all over again. C and I have a wonderful relationship. He really is everything I could ask for in a partner, although I do wish he would learn to put his shoes away! That said, he has been so great with S. Watching the two of them together, I've gotten to know a whole new side of my husband, a side I suspected existed but had no real proof of. He is a wonderful father. When C has S, I know I should be taking advantage of those precious moments to myself to get something done--even if it is just a shower! But I'd rather watch the two of them together. Watching C sing silly songs to S while he is changing a diaper, seeing C rub S's feet on his goatee, and especially watching them sleep together--these are the things that make me smile lately.

Breastfeeding icons

A friend of mine sent me a link to an article on Breastfeeding Icons. Very cool!

Things no one tells childless friends of mothers

My friend, Ms. Reads (who blogs at Arrogant Self-Reliance), has posted several comments in response to my on-going "Things no one tells you about motherhood" posts. This post is in her honor.

As a one-time childless friend to several friends with children, I know the feeling of "I have nothing to contribute" to the conversation on parenting, pregnancy, etc. quite well. A good friend of mine who had children well before I did once told me that I do have opinions and experiences with children; she encouraged me to share those views, to ask questions, and even just to listen, which as a mother of an almost 4-week old I've learned is so, so important. I've posted once about friends who now suddenly seem uninterested in me now that S has arrived. To be fair, this is probably a bit harsh on my part. They are probably just as overwhelmed at the fact that I am a mother as I am. As I posted previously, most of my friends have been wonderful, and I am so appreciative of them.

The thing no one tells childless friends of mothers is that we, the mothers, want them in our lives--we want to talk to them, to have them give us feedback about life beyond babies and motherhood, and to have them in our lives. They still matter to us.

Breastfeeding on planes

C & I will be traveling with S over the holidays, so this article (sent to me by Supadiscomama) is disturbing to me on many, many levels: Woman Kicked off plane for breastfeeding . I still have mixed emotions about nursing my own child for so long, but it is every woman's right to nurse her child for as long as she desires.

Never again. . .

I will never again think to myself: why can't that person talk about anything else except his/her child? I have to admit that I have thought that about people in the past, usually people I don't know very well who assume that I want to know the intimate details of their child's life. I will also admit that I've occasionally thought that about close friends. I now regret thinking that, and over the past few weeks, I've mentally apologized for thinking that a thousand times. I feel like I need to make a more public apology. I now understand how all consuming parenthood is--especially new parenthood. It is impossible for me to have a conversation now without talking about S. I know that at some point I will be able to do that, but right now (and I feel certain for some time to come) whenever anyone asks me how I'm doing, I automatically tell them how S is doing. If he's having a good day, I'm having a good day; if he's having a bad day, I'm having a worse one. I also now understand the need and the desire to talk to someone about him. Luckily I haven't had many days alone with him (that starts next week!), but I have had a few. I know how happy I was when C got home to have someone to talk to--even to tell him how S didn't pee on either one of us today or that I got a shower before 2. So please feel free to tell me all about your children; I'm sure I'll tell you all about mine.

Things no one tells you about motherhood #4

The fourth thing I've been thinking of is both positive and negative. The negative part: friends who don't have children are no longer interested in me. I was somewhat prepared for this as many friends without children began to withdraw during the last months of my pregnancy. That said, it is still upsetting and frustrating, especially since I have managed to maintain several close friendships with friends who do have children prior to having a child myself.

The positive part: my really close friends, those with and without children, have been wonderful. I get a phone call almost every day from someone checking on me. My friends have cooked us meals and even driven over 90 miles to pick family members up at the airport. I knew I had good friends, but I didn't know they were this wonderful. I am thankful to have all of them in my life, and I certainly hope I have been as good to them as they have been to us.

Things no one tells you about motherhood #2 & #3

Here's my second shocking discovery.

Breastfeeding can make you feel like a failure, even if you're successful at it.

To be honest, this one wasn't as shocking as some of the other things I experienced b/c I've done some reading on the politics of breastfeeding (I recommend any articles by Joan Wolf on this subject). I have seen friends struggle to breastfeed, so I knew it wouldn't be easy--at least, from an intellectual perspective. That said, I wasn't prepared for how difficult it was (and still is). Breastfeeding is an overwhelming thing. For the first three weeks, I feel like I've done nothing but breastfeed, and essentially that is all I have done. Even on the days I've managed to get out of the house to go to the grocery store or go to lunch with C, I've had to nurse in the car or in the restaurant. I've been to school twice, both times with S, and both times I spent an hour of what should have only been an hour trip nursing him in my office.

And breastfeeding has been relatively easy for me. S had some initial latch problems which were quickly remedied by a visit to the lactation consultant. But when he screams and can't be soothed by anything, including my breast, I feel like a failure. I weigh him constantly on my bathroom scale (not so reliable, I know), and I agonize over every ounce. I ask myself: did I nurse enough today? did I nurse too much? Every time he coughs or sneezes, I ask myself: did I make him sick? did my milk make him sick? Intellectually I know that yes, I fed him enough, and no, my milk has not made him sick. Emotionally, breastfeeding has rendered me a basket case more than a few times.

Ultimately, I think my expectations were too high rather than other mothers hadn't told the whole truth. Which leads me to #3: no one tells you to lower your expectations.

Things no one tells you about motherhood #1

I'm going to have to write this post in sections, so here is #1. Please keep the previous post in mind--I'm not pulling any punches on these posts, and I'm also not worried about my intrest in boundaries.

1. No one tells you how swollen your labia, vulva, and vagina are after childbirth.

Several friends told me that these areas would be painful and that ice packs were useful and felt wonderful, but I was not prepared for how that part of my body looked! I was totally and completely shocked. After 9 months of pregnancy, I expected my body to feel more like my own after I gave birth. It felt even less like mine than it did in the last few weeks of pregnancy.

Separate Spheres

In the first few weeks of motherhood, I've quickly discovered there is not such thing as separate spheres, at least not in my life. I generally consider myself a fairly private person, this blog aside. I don't share personal things with people I don't consider good friends. In short, I'm very fond of boundaries; that said, once I consider a person a good friend, I have very few boundaries. In the past few weeks, the boundaries I typically value, especially when I'm around colleagues or strangers, have largely disappeared. I've done things I never thought I would do--including almost crying in front of faculty members and breastfeeding in front of faculty members. I also almost told a faculty member whom I'm on a search committee with off. Said faculty member mentioned it was difficult for him to make it to campus for a 9:00 am meeting. FM said this as I had S strapped to my chest, while I was wearing my glasses in an attempt to hide the horrific circles under my eyes. I came close to detailing just how difficult it was for us to make it to the 9:00 am meeting. I refrained.

Privacy has taken on a whole new meaning for C & me since S's arrival. We've both discussed my breasts with people we barely know and with our respective advisors and the heads of our departments. Our friends know more about my breasts and S's bowel movements than I am sure they care to. The public and private aspects of our life have blurred--a change that was so sudden I didn't even notice it, until I found myself baring my breast in front of a faculty member yesterday. Luckily, this faculty member didn't care and even gave me some helpful nursing tips.

Chasing Perfection

I'm still planning my post on what I'm going to refer to as "The Secrets of New Motherhood," but I've been thinking a lot about something else recently--perfection. First, as a good friend recently reminded me, I know I wasn't perfect before becoming a mother, but I have always had very high expectations of myself. As many academics, I am an overachiever, and I naively assumed that I would be able to bounce back from labor and having a new baby in a relatively short amount of time. The truth is, S will be three weeks old tomorrow, and I've only been able to get out of my pjs before noon three times. My sister, who stayed with us the first few days S was home, told me I'd be lucky to get a shower before 3 some days. Well, frankly I've given up on the whole showering in the morning thing! Now, I shower before bed, and I feel brilliant for having figured that one out. Of course, by 3, I want another shower as I'm hot and sweaty from nuring all day, and usually covered in breastmilk--but that is another issue altogether.

My need to be an overachiever made for a few difficult days. I thought I could still do it all, and quite honestly, I couldn't, and I still can't. Being a mother is equally wonderful and exhausting, but motherhood and perfection are not ideas that belong in the same sentence. C and I have talked about this a lot, and we've both come to the conclusion that motherhood is still something that is seen as natural and intuitive. And as a new mother, I can honestly say that it isn't necessarily either of those things. Just because S and I share DNA doesn't mean I automatically know what to do when he cries or fusses or won't sleep. I thought it would. I felt like (and to a certain extent still feel like) I should know how to fix things when something was wrong. But what I'm slowly realizing, after a few sleepless nights, a fair amount of tears, and lots of conversations with a very hands-on husband and father, is S doesn't even know what is wrong with him most of the time. I should expect myself to automatically know either. The reality of new motherhood (and perhaps of motherhood in general) is that it is as hard as it is wonderful. I'm thankful it only took me 3 weeks to figure that one out.

Reminder

As typing isn't as easy as it once was (not with S attached to the breast), I wanted to post a reminder to myself to blog about some things when I have more time--although I'm beginning to wonder when that will be. First, I want to talk about the things women don't tell other women about labor and child birth, and then I want to write about what I will call the academic/over-achieving woman's overly high expectations of herself after child birth. I'm still mulling these things over, but I hope to be able to write about them soon.

On a different note, we're doing well, despite the lack of sleep. It is amazing how quickly your brain adjusts to only 5 or 6 hours of sleep a night--with 1 or 2 much needed naps throughout the day.

Blog postponed

Our much anticipated baby made an appearance a few days ago--S was born on Oct. 20th. C & I are equally elated and exhausted, but we are very, very much in love with our little guy. Needless to say, I won't be blogging for a while, but I hope to be back at it in a few weeks.

Frustrated and Saddened

It frustrates and saddens me that C and I are able to rely on certain things simply because we are a heterosexual couple. News like that of Gerry Studds death and the federal government's refusal to pay his spouse of 2 years (who was his partner for much, much longer) death and retirement benefits frustrates and saddens me. I have no other words to describe my emotions on this issue. Why is our relationship more valid in the eyes of the government (and most of society) than that of a same-sex couple?

I'm currently teaching Frances E.W. Harper's Iola Leroy; or, Shadows Uplifted, and with this reading, I'm struck by how many of the references to racial passing, the illegalization of miscegenation, and the stigma associated with being a biracial child are so similar issues in the gay community right now. Several of my students also noticed this and correctly, I think, pointed out that as much progress as we, as Americans, seem to have made regarding discrimination, we still have a long, long way to go. Perhaps my use of the term "gay community" is part of the problem. These are American and human issues, not issues of a specific community. Will we ever be able to embrace that as truth?

Something to celebrate

90 years ago yesterday, Margaret Sanger opened the first birth control clinic in the U.S. NOW has an interesting article on Sanger and the clinic. I find it interesting and troubling that we're still debating this and similar issues.

The First Gentleman?

I'm working on a conference paper on Elizabeth Keckley's Behind the Scenes; or Thirty Years a Slave and Four Years in the White House (1868). I've been reading an article by Katherine Adams entitled "Freedom and Ballgowns: Elizabeth Keckley and the Work of Domesticity" for the paper, and I ran across a quotation that made me question the position of the "First Gentleman." Adams writes "The First Lady, and the home life for which she metonymically stands, enable the president perfectly to resemble (without himself being of) the ordinary citizenry. In total, the domestic spectacle of the White House provides a topological referent of those utopian values of freedom and equality invested in the head of the state." Although Adams is ostensibly writing about the presidency in the 19th century and specifically about Keckley's representation of Mary Todd and Abraham Lincoln, I believe her statements are relevant to today's political situation.

If the First Lady is a symbol of normalcy for the president and a symbol of domesticity, what would the "First Gentleman" represent? If we need to see the president with a "normal" home life, does this begin to explain why we have yet to see a woman run for president? Does it also begin to explain why Hillary Rodham Clinton was so demonized while she was First Lady? Is our need to see the nuclear family represented in the White House so great that we cannot accept that the best candidate may be a woman? I would argue that we're largely unprepared to see a woman ordering military leaders to go to war. We're equally unprepared to see a man on television explaining the theme behind the White House's decorations for the 2006 holiday season (which the First Lady's do every year). We may have made progress in our individual homes, evidenced by the fact that about 10 to 15% of husbands now stay at home while their wives bring home the bacon. But it seems as though we're still following a 19th--and perhaps even 18th--century construct: the President runs the country while the First Lady is in charge of domestic responsibilities, such as redecorating the White House and planning receptions.

And what would we call the husband of the first female president, assuming she had a husband?

Favorite things

I've been feeling particularly cranky recently, so I decided to make a conscious effort to improve my mood today. C and I had breakfast at our favorite place, we spent the afternoon outside, and I've been visiting some of my favorite places in the world via the web. I found myself drawn to the Met's website this evening. Since I can't get to New York to see one of my favorite paintings, I decided this viewing it online was the next best thing. Vermeer's paintings always make me feel better.

Love Your Body Day--Oct. 18th

Make sure to celebrate yourself on "Love Your Body Day," this coming Wednesday.

Why are breasts so fascinating?

I ran across a story entitled "Court Upholds Woman's Right for Topless Protest", and I immediately thought: why are breasts so fascinating? Let me qualify that: why are women's breasts so fascinating? For my entire life, I've wondered why it is acceptable for men to wander around town topless but not for women? Why is it ok for C to take his shirt off at the beach and not for me? I don't know that I agree that going topless is a viable means of protest, but if it is legal to burn the flag as a form of protest, why can't women take their tops off?

One more thing

Here's one more annoying thing: people (generally family or close friends) who refer to the baby as "our baby" or, even worse, "my baby." How does one respond to that? My mother-in-law constantly asks, "How is my baby doing?" To which I generally reply, "C's doing just fine, working away on his dissertation; thanks for asking." She laughs and says "No, I mean my other baby." Then I say something to the effect of "My baby is doing well." I then try to change the subject. Another good friend constantly refers to the baby as "our baby," which annoys C as much as it does me. He recently asked me if this friend (who truly is one of our best friends in the world) played some part in the conception that he didn't know about.

I understand that people are happy and excited and anticipating the birth almost as much as we are, but come on! This person hasn't shared your body for the past 9 months! You had no part in creating this life form, unless you have some power over my body I know nothing about.

Obviously, I'm getting a bit cranky. Things that ordinarily wouldn't bother me are really annoying me this week. I would really love to write a thoughtful, intellectual post on the public nature of pregnancy and the intimate relationships that people already believe they have with our child, but I just don't have it in me.

Don't ask me these annoying questions

I have 2 weeks until my due date, and I am more than ready to be done with pregnancy for a while. For the most part, I've enjoyed being pregnant, until recently. I've been having contractions regularly for over a week now, and twice they've become so regular that we've gotten all ready to go to the hospital, and then, as if our unborn child were saying "Na-na-a-boo-boo" to us, the contractions stop. What hasn't stopped, however, are the inane questions from people, generally acquaintances and relative strangers. So I've decided to make a list of questions that no pregnant woman in her 9th month of pregnancy wants to be asked.

1. Are you ready to pop yet? Um, no, I'm not ready to pop, but I am ready to give birth. And thanks so much for taking the opportunity to remind me I look like a house.
2. How are you feeling? I'm 9 months pregnant--my hands and feet are swollen, my back hurts, my hips hurt, and I now waddle; how do you think I feel?
3. Are you prepared for labor? Based on my decision to go unmedicated, I can't even acknowledge this question without having to answer a whole bunch more annoying questions.
4. Are you ready for the baby? I have no idea what the appropriate response is to this question. I know it's just meant to be conversational, but for some reason I find it very invasive. I mean, are you every fully prepared for a life-changing event?
5. Isn't this just the happiest time in your life? Well, yes and no. Having a child isn't the only thing that's going on in our lives right now, but I've generally found that people don't want to hear about dissertation dilemmas, dying fathers-in-law, mentally ill mothers, or job searches when we could be talking about the baby.
6. When are you due? Again, I know this is a simple question meant to generate conversation, but after answering it about a billion times, I'm ready to have a t-shirt printed up with my due date on it. I will, of course, wear the t-shirt 24-7 so that I no longer have to answer this question.
7. Can you do (fill in the blank)? Well, I'm pregnant, not helpless, so chances are, yes, I can do whatever needs to be done. It may take me longer and I may look awkward doing it, but I probably can get it done.
8. How are you sleeping? Again, I'm 9 months pregnant. Turning over in bed is a production, and I have to pee every 2 hours. How do you think I'm sleeping?
9. Have you had that baby yet? This particular question typically comes from family and friends who do not see me regularly. I generally try to laugh or express some humor, but I really want to say, no, damn it! I haven't had the baby yet, and because of that incredibly stupid question, you just got moved down to the bottom of the list of people to be notified when I do have the baby.

I feel quite certain I could come up many more equally annoying questions, but these top my list right now.

Finally, some news about men, childbirth, and age

Let me start off by saying that I do not see what I'm about to write about as good news by any means. It's troubling and upsetting, especially for couples seeking to have children later in life. That said, I must admit that I find it reassuring to know that the media actually publishes articles about men, childbirth, and age: "Miscarriage risk may rise with men's age." After reading countless studies discussing women's increased infertility and the increased risk of miscarriage or having a child with birth defects as they age, I am glad to know that the medical community decided to research the affects of men's age on having children. Dare I dream that at some point in the future someone will write a book or even a long article about how men need to hurry up and have babies while they are still young rather than pursuing their careers first?

Breastfeeding as a lifestyle

My good friend, Sarah, who blogs at Mommy, Ph.D., and I have had several conversations regarding the benefits of breastfeeding. Sarah has frequently argued that many of the benefits associated with breastfeeding are more than likely due at least in part to the lifestyle choices typically made by breastfeeding mothers. I happen to agree. On average breastfeeding mothers are more health and exercise conscious, more concerned about the environment, and more likely to lead healthy lifestyles. Until now, a lot of this was simply speculation on our parts. I just read an article titled "Breast-feeding won't make your baby smarter" that seems to validate our argument.

Stupid, Stupid People

As an about-to-be-nursing mother, I feel compelled to respond (albeit belatedly) to the controversy surrounding a recent issue of BabyTalk magazine. A recent cover featuring a baby nursing, raised the ire of many, mainly, it seems, women. While I haven't begun nursing and, therefore, don't know how I'll feel about nursing in public myself, I am astounded by the number of people who continue to view breastfeeding as a sexual act. What is remotely sexual about feeding your child?

I have lots of friends who have nursed their children; some of them are comfortable nursing in public, some of them aren't. But I don't care whether they nurse in public or not, and I can't believe anyone else would either. In fact, it makes me more uncomfortable when a nursing friend leaves the room or goes to the car to nurse than it does to have the friend nurse in front of me. I don't want my friends to feel they can't feed their children in my presence; I'm much more concerned with their comfort than my own. The people who describe a breast that has a nursing baby attached to it as a sexual object seem to be missing the point of breastfeeding. It isn't erotic or sensual; it's necessary. I'm not bothered by C potentially seeing the breast of a nursing mother, and he's not bothered by another man potentially seeing my breast when I'm nursing.

The editor responded to the controversy by saying that "There's a huge Puritanical streak in Americans." Do we have to blame the Puritans for everything? As a scholar of 19th-century American literature, I know how influential the Puritans were (and continue to be) on American society, but we can't hold them accountable for all of our phobias. What about the Victorians? the politicians? the people who want to cover up nude statues? What about our own idiotic phobias about the human body? I feel certain (although I have no proof to back it up) the Puritans were more concerned with killing off the Quakers and Native Americans than they were with women breastfeeding in public.

Down with Shame

I ran across an article titled "Ms. to name women who had abortions" on MSNBC. I commend these brave, audacious women for publicly acknowledging a very private decision. I think if we could eliminate some of the stigma associated with abortion while realizing that women who choose to have abortions are not the heartless, callous monsters the Pro-lifers would have us believe we could make a lot strides for women. I have yet to understand how so many pro-lifers are also against gun control, claiming they have a constitutional right to bear arms but refusing to recognize that I have a constitutional right to control my body. There is a logical fallacy in arguing that abortions takes lives but guns don't.

Women and War

As I reading through my daily news sites, I came across an interesting article in Newsweek. Titled "Top of Her Class", the article focuses on the death of Emily Perez, a West Point graduate who was deployed to Iraq shortly after graduation. She was killed last month by a roadside bomb while serving in Iraq. For the most part, this is a well written article, memorializing Perez, who seems to have been a wonderful young person, and praising the military's new willingness to accept women in combat roles.

As the daughter of a retired military man, I have always been interested in women's inclusion and participation in the military. My father and I have often debated to what extent women should be included in the military. I've always been clear on my position: women should be included as fully as men, including being drafted if the draft were ever to be reinstated. My father disagrees; he views women as important in support positions, but he sees them as a potential liability on the battlefield. Recently, I've begun to wonder why military women have been largely excluded from media coverage of the war. Aside from Jessica Lynch, General Janis Karpiniski (who was in charge of Abu Ghraib prison), and Lyndie Englund, we've heard very little about women's military roles in Iraq or Afghanistan. Then I come across this article.

On one level, the article is, as I already noted, a great tribute to a good soldier and a wonderful human being. On another level, it is also dismissive of women's roles in our society and the war. One sentence in particular bothers me: "Although in some circles the unprecedented role women are playing in combat zones is still contentious, the real surprise is how easily we've come to accept women's fighting and dying in war--and, with an overstretchedd military, how indispensable they've become." This sentence bothers me not because I question its validity; rather it bothers me because of the way the author uses the word indispensable. I don't think we've come to view women as indispensable to the war in Iraq. I think we've begun to view all life as dispensable--and by "we" I mean our government. What bothers me about this article (and the reality of the war itself) is that women are becoming indispensable to the fight because we haven't been able to control the violence. By and large, women aren't viewed as essential because they are good soldiers or because they are proving themselves in tougher roles and under impossible circumstances. To be blunt, women are needed because men continue to die. More than three years after the start of the war, we are still fighting on a daily basis, and we're fighting an enemy we can neither fully identify nor fully understand. American soldiers continue to die at the rate of 10 or more a week, and countless Iraqis have lost their lives. I'm troubled by the implication that women are achieving equality when in reality all life, regardless of sex or gender, is being viewed as expendable in the name of winning "the war on terror." I don't think that is what our foremothers had in mind when they began fighting for women's rights as early as the 18th century.

I applaud soldiers like Emily Perez, who clearly believed in what she was doing, but I question our government's willingness to sacrifice its brightest young people simply our prove a point. I am also angry at our media for implying that Perez's death is a sign of women's growing equality when it is little more than a sign that we still don't know what we're doing over there.

Mama(e) in Translation

The more I blog (and admittedly I don't blog all that much), the more I've started wondering around in the blogging world. Here is a blog of another academic mother that I particularly enjoy: Mama(e) in Translation. She reminds me that I can manage to have a baby, a relationship, and an academic career.

Proposal Complete!

I have sent a complete draft of my proposal to my advisor! Now I must wait for her comments, and then, make the changes she suggests. I hope to send it to the rest of my committee by the end of the week. I also hope that I can come up with a decent title for my dissertation during that time.