Before I became a mother, I never gave this idea much thought. If someone had said this to me before I was pregnant, I don't think I would have given it much thought, except to think "how can one mother competitively?" My friend Mommy, Ph.D. and I discussed the idea while I was pregnant with S. She said that once she became a mother she began asking other mothers what seemed to be harmless questions: how long does your baby nurse? How much does s/he weigh? Has s/he rolled over/sat up/crawled/smiled/laughed yet? How long does s/he sleep at night? She began asking these sorts of questions to get information, but then she began comparing her and her baby to the other mothers and babies. She said (and I'm paraphrasing her as the conversation was well over a year ago) that she began to observe that mothering was a competition. Mothers want to know how their children are progressing compared to other babies, which seems harmless enough to me. But, as Sarah pointed out, and as I have begun to observe on my own, mothers become disappointed when they realize their children aren't doing something at the same time as other babies, and they become proud when they realize their children have accomplished something before other babies. Mothering becomes a competition.
I have kept Sarah's observations in the back of my mind since then, and I think she is absolutely right. Mothers are competitive about their children, and I am no exception. I attend functions and go out to lunch with my friends who have children on a fairly regular basis, and we all ask about each other's children. I do believe our primary purpose is to find out how each other is doing and what is going on in our lives. But I have to say that when I hear that a friend's 5-month-old is sleeping through the night, I wonder "what is wrong with my child? What is wrong with my as a parent?" I then happily report that although S is not sleeping through the night he is eating, crawling, standing up, and any other new thing he has accomplished. I know how silly I sound, but I really want these other mothers to know that while I can't get my child to sleep through the night I can get him to do all these other things ahead of schedule. I then go home and wonder why I feel the need to compete. I know my son is unique and he will progress at his own rate. I know from personal experience that it does no good to compare children. My sister and I were compared to one another at every point in our childhoods. Those comparisons achieved nothing but making us hate one another until we were adults. We now have a close relationship, but there are still vestiges of competition in our relationship.
So here is yet another unanswerable question: why do mothers feel the need to compete with other mothers? The only answer I can come up with is a big one: insecurity. As my friend Sarah also predicted, I have never felt more defensive or more insecure about anything I've ever done in my life. Admittedly, I've never dealt with criticism well—a hang up from being a perfectionist—but I do not like to have my parenting skills criticized at all. I'll happily take any advice that I've asked for, but I don't like to have my decisions and my choices questioned. I know exactly why too: I'm relatively sure I’m a good mother, but I also question just about every decision I make as a mother—even the ones made instinctually. I think mothers compete because we want some sense of reassurance that we're doing something right. And what better way to do that than to know that our child has done something before another child?
Is it healthy? I certainly don't think so. I fully realize the pitfalls of comparing S to other children, as I have left several gatherings and cried because my child still isn't sleeping through the night. I blame myself for S's struggles, and he is struggling to sleep through the night. Our whole family is struggling to sleep through the night. I know that he will eventually master this skill, but I also know that there will always be something that another child does better than he does, just as there will always be something that he does better than other children. These realizations don't necessarily make me feel any better because I know I will continue to compare my child to other children and my mothering skills to other mothers. I only hope awareness counts for something.
4 comments:
this post gets it exactly right. it's been disconcerting to watch myself participate in these behaviors because at one level, I would rather opt out. But I think insecurity is at the heart of it. For some women, I think it gets better the longer they are mothers and if they have a second or third child. that isn't always the case though.
the sleeping through the night thing is tough b/c if your child isn't sleeping, that means *you* aren't sleeping either. A person is much less equipped to deal with insecurities in a state of perpetual sleep deprivation.
it's funny how invested we are in what our kids are doing sometimes. take sleeping through the night, since we're on it. though there are strategies that help, it's really more the child's doing than yours. both of my daughters slept through the night from 3 or 4 weeks old. I swear to you that had nothing to do with me. I have no tricks. I don't even give advice on the matter, though I'm often asked. Mine just...did it. On their own. It's not my accomplishment. What the hell, it's not even their accomplishment. It's a disposition. It's been nice for me, but it's not really something I should be proud of.
And yet somehow, as you point out, you feel good about things or bad about things even if they really are ultimately beyond your control.
Yeah, so my comments turned into a post of their own :) But, you're instinct is right in the sense that awareness counts for something.
You hit the proverbial nail on the head with this. I do think, though, that the competitive mothering behavior is worst among new mothers. I used to participate in an Attachment Parenting bulletin board, and seeing everyone try to "out-AP" each other was unreal. But this behavior was ALWAYS the worst among new, first-time moms. I think that was because we were the most insecure and were struggling with our new identities as moms the most.
To me, it's like any process of conversion, whether it be a relgious conversion, starting grad school, or becoming a mom--the newbies are always the most hard-core, who cling to the belief of a one right way, etc.
Most people eventually mature in these roles and step out of "true believer" mode. Some, of course, never do--those are the ones who take over the schools, for example.
BTW, Kathy Griffin had a funny bit about this in her Bravo special the other night, something along the lines of: "My child tested into the gifted program--he's two days old." "The only gift your child has is the poop in his diaper!"
Yeah, I agree with the post and comments. I do think this sort of thing lessens as your child grows, in part because you get more confident in your own parenting skills, in part because you get to know your child and see how s/he really does develop different things at his/her own pace and according to personality, and in part because as kids age, those little milestones begin to take a different shape. Instead of who's walking first or sleeping through the night, it's more about litle quirks or cute things they say and do, and every parent can participate in those discussions, so there's less to compete or at least measure in "objective" terms.
And I agree that new parents are more susceptible because they're not sleeping! Everything feels so much more intense and sensitive when you're overwhelmed and tired all the time. You do eventually learn to not take it all so seriously. There are still those yearnings to have a child who's exceptional, but then I think we all do believe our children are exceptional in some way, and that's pretty healthy in the end.
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