Traveling with Family

Processing family time is often difficult for me. Actually, family time is often difficult for me. We live approximately 1200 miles away from our families, so we see them about twice a year or so. We've seen them more since S was born and C's dad died though, which has been both nice and frustrating. After almost 7 years of marriage and over 10 years as a couple, C and I still have trouble dealing with each other's families. I keep expecting it to get easier, but just when I think it has, I am once again reminded how different not only I am from his family but how different our family is from both our natal families.

C's mother and sister flew to the Northeast and joined us on our travels. Part of the trip had originally been planned for them to attend C's graduation, but as his graduation was postponed, the trip became solely about visiting old friends and me doing research. His mom and sister decided to join us as they "didn't know when they'd see any of us again" or be able to travel to that part of the country again. All in all the trip was fine, if occasionally tense. My mother-in-law made several pointed comments about us moving east of the Mississippi, and my sister-in-law, who has no children, repeatedly offered parenting advice. I am not great at ignoring such pointed comments, so rather than ignoring them, I find it necessary to explain the obvious over and over again. Here is a typical conversation between my mil and me regarding her desires for us to move closer.

MIL: I wish you all would just move closer, preferably east of the Mississippi.

Me: C applied for numerous jobs that were on the East Coast, including several in our home state. Unfortunately, he only interviewed at schools in the Midwest and Southwest. That is just the nature of academia; we really don't have much control over where we will end up.

MIL: I just don't understand why he can't get a job at Hometown College.

Me: Well, if there are ever any openings in either of our fields at Hometown College, we will definitely apply. But there is no guarantee that we would get those positions.

MIL: I'm sure the fact that you all are from Hometown and went to Hometown College would be of some benefit.

Me: Not really . . .

And we have this conversation over and over again. Sometimes I get irritated and snippy and ask if she knows something about the process I don't. Then she says something like "I know people at Hometown College (which she doesn't). I could speak to them about you all." Or she reminds C of all her friends who have all their children living spitting distance from their front doors.

To be fair, my mom isn't much better. She just passively says "I wish you all lived closer," completely forgetting that she and my dad moved to California to get away from their families when they were first married. My dad's career brought them back to the East Coast, not a real desire to be close to family.

Traveling together makes these conversations more annoying because we can't escape one another. Add to this my need to have people understand things and my inability not to respond to comments like the ones described above. I like things to be very clear and straightforward. No matter how many times we explain the reality of academic jobs to our families they never seem to get that we may live in the Pacific Northwest or Hometown. Somehow that all means that I don't want to live in the same town as our families--at least it means that for C's mom--and that I am not as committed to family as I should be.