- First, I have a major dissertation deadline at the end of October that I have to meet if I'm going to defend in May and graduate in August. I do not have time (nor do I have the inclination) to take the entire week off and show Yetta the sights, which, despite what C has said to me, will be what happens. Yetta will step off the plain with a list of things to do, and she will passively aggressively say "Well, whatever you need to do, but I'd really love to see X, Y, and Z. But if you need to work, I understand."
- Second, aside from that, I actually enjoy spending time with my MIL. Yes, I am aware that my comments here would indicate otherwise, but I really do enjoy my MIL. We have a fairly good relationship, and when it is just the two of us, I can talk fairly honestly with her. I am actually the one who found the cheap ticket for her, called her up, and asked her to come that week.
- Third, Pita called a day after Yetta purchased her ticket and asked C to find her a ticket for the weekend of Wild Man's birthday. Now, Pita has internet access and has the ability to search for tickets herself, but she never does. Her presence complicates things a lot. She and her mother have a highly codependent relationship. They have to be together all the time, can't do anything without the other one knowing about it, and are highly competitive. So for the four days their visits over lap, there will be lots of comments along the lines of "Wild Man asked for me; did you hear that, Mother?" "Yes, Pita, but last night he said 'I love you, Yetta.' Did he say that to you?" It's all very annoying and tiresome.
- Fourth, food is a huge issue when either comes to see us. Both are obese and both have serious food issues. The first thing they will want to do is go grocery shopping, even if I have stocked the house to the brim with food. Yetta will graciously offer to pay for everything, and I will graciously refuse. If I can I'll figure out how to avoid taking either to the grocery store, but somehow one or both of them will end up with me. Pita will pay for her own junk food (and I do mean junk food), so there isn't much I can say to her. Yetta will slip stuff into my cart and then later she'll give C cash to cover the cost of it. That means my grocery bill will double, and I'll end up with stuff in my house like candy bars, chips, brownies, and diet soda (does anyone understand the logic of drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar? I sure don't.). For their week long visit while I was doing research in June, they did something similar. C told me he spent the entire week policing the food they tried to give Wild Man. They don't understand why we don't just give Wild Man whatever he wants or that we are consciously not using food as a reward or as a comfort. We both want Wild Man to not have an emotional relationship with food. I'll be tense the entire week about food.
- Fifth, Pita is already asking me what we're planning to do for Wild Man's birthday. In all honesty, after the huge party we had last year, I want it to be low key this year. On top of that, we don't know anyone here. We may ask Blue Eyed Girl, the neighbor Wild Man has played with a few times, and her baby sister Brown Eyed Girl to come over, and we may ask Dr. and Mrs. Nice Guy and their teenage boys. But that would likely be it, and it may just be the five of us. I want it to be low-key, mainly because I don't really have the energy for anything big right now. And, as I said, I'll be a week or so away from a major dissertation deadline, so I don't think I'll be up for huge party. They are going to be disappointed with my plans, and you can be I'll hear about it.
So family visits are a huge issue right now. C's family's visit will bring lots of complications with it, but again, at least they are already planning a visit. Oh, and the questions about our next visit to Home State have already begun. . .
9 comments:
It's amazing how certain family members can stress you out without having to be in your physical presence, isn't it? The extra drama is the last thing you need on your plate right now. I must say, you are a much better woman than I can ever be (but I already knew that). Hang in there.
Okay, here goes: My name is Jennie, and I do actually understand the logic of drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar.
Um, Jennie, could you explain that one to me?
M, you're too skinny to get it. Skinny logic: one negates any 'benefit' of a non-caloric beverage by eating a candy bar, so what's the point? The logic of chub: you're going to have a candy bar and a soda [non-negotiables in the land of chub], so you can at least save a few calories by making it a diet soda.
I must have missed the part where you're chubby . . .
Ha ha ha--you also missed my son telling me I have a baby sister in my belly. And when I insisted I do not have a baby sister in my belly he said, "Then why's your shirt sticking out like that?" Nice.
"They don't understand why we don't just give Wild Man whatever he wants or that we are consciously not using food as a reward or as a comfort."
How do you do that? I never thought about it, but that's what my sister does. And my whole family (and her husband) have had food issues since childhood. Perhaps this could be part of our development? My nephew gets candy after every dinner if he eats well, and snacks if he's good. It worries me, and while I know it's not my place to say anything, I think maybe they do it unintentionally.
How do we do that? Well we make a real effort to keep junk food out of the house. So other than the occasional bag of potato chips, we don't have much in the way junkfood, and we never have candy. We rarely have dessert either. This is tough b/c both C and I have a sweet tooth. If we do have dessert, we generally have it after Wild Man has gone to bed. If he does have dessert we don't make a big deal out of it, and he gets a modest amount--1 small scoop of ice cream or 1 small cookie. We also don't say things like "you don't get dessert if you don't eat all your dinner," which just encourages over-eating.
We also don't use food as a reward. I'm so paranoid about this that we're not using the tried and true "give the kid an M&M if he pees in the potty while we potty train." Instead I let Wild Man pick out some stickers at the store, and he gets 1 sticker if he pees and 2 if he poops. By the end of the day he usually has 4 or 5 stickers on his shirt.
None of these are perfect methods, but they are working for us.
I love you, M, and for the most part, I completely 100% agree with you on most issues (i.e., politics, child-rearing, etc). Like you say, there is no perfect approach to instilling your child with a healthy relationship to food. But as someone who has battled (and still is) anorexia and bulemia, I think that even if we try to make food a non-issue, our children will sense it and wonder why we are doing so. Kind of like the white elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about. Anorexia and bulemia are very much secretive disorders and so not talking about it or hiding is was central. So for us, D and I give stickers and m&m's. And we do have dessert with R at dinner time. And sometimes R doesn't want anything else but "i-neen (aka-ice cream)" for dinner, which is ok by me sometimes. I'm a firm believer that your relationship with food has to be a healthy one in order for your child to have one as well. They can sense those things and will pick up on it. But like you say, M,no approach is perfect and the results of mine will not be seen for another several years.
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