I really wanted to write about this last week when the annoying person intruded upon my life, but I was so angry that I wanted to take some time out to think about the annoying person and the annoying event.
C is currently at his "home" university, meeting with his dissertation advisor to finalize his dissertation and make plans for his defense next month. His trip is annoying to me for several reasons. First, it seems what is being done could have been done long distance, as he had done most of the work long distance. Second, the flight and hotel stay was very expensive, and as 2 graduate students with a child, we don't have a lot of disposable income. But as the trip was planned some time ago, I had time to mentally prepare and time to establish a routine with S, which has made it easier for the two of us to be alone. But he was supposed to go last week, and the weather delayed him. He was set to leave on a Sunday, but he couldn't make all of his connecting flights due to weather. He could have gotten there by Tuesday, but then he had to meet me in another city on Thursday, as I was presenting at a major conference. I, obviously, needed him to take care of S while I was at the conference. The conference didn't offer childcare, and I didn't know anyone else attending. As I said, we had worked this all out over two months ago, but the weather simply didn't cooperate. When C called his advisor to tell her all of this, she flipped out. She essentially demanded that he get there as soon as he could and advised me to find childcare in the city of the conference or cancel my trip altogether. She told him that he didn't have time for such distractions and that if he didn't make the planned trip then they would seriously have to reevaluate whether he'd be able to graduate on time. I was LIVID. I felt like I was being attacked for not supporting my husband. Now, since S has been born, I've had decisions I've made as a mother criticized by various people, and I feel like I handle those quite well. But what I found so annoying about this particular situation was that this woman, a fellow academic, was questioning my need to attend a professional conference. She was essentially telling C that he needed the kind of wife who would put her career on hold indefinitely so that he could complete his dissertation. My conference wasn't as important as his meeting. To be completely honest, I don't think my conference was as important, and if necessary, I would have cancelled--it is more important for my family that C finish his degree and get a job than it is that I go to a conference right now. That said, I don't think she had any right saying that or even implying it. In the end, C had to reschedule his trip due to the weather, and she seemed to understand. We were able to arrange everything so that I made my conference, and he is at his "home" university now. She even apologized for flipping out, but in her apology she said "This is the disadvantage of being an academic couple with a child," a comment that didn't sit well with me at all.
In the week since this happened, I've been thinking about it a lot, and I'm still not certain what bothers me the most about her comments. I have no relationship with this woman, so her opinion doesn't really matter to me. But I felt like my choices were being questioned, and I felt like she was suggesting that being an academic and being a mother aren't compatible. My biggest fear in life is that I will have to sacrifice time with my child for my career or vice versa, so her comments gave voice to anxieties I've already been experiencing. I also didn't like my reaction to her comments and her suggestion that I find childcare in a city I'd never been to before and would only be in for 2 days: I immediately thought, "Spoken like someone who doesn't have children." I've written before about the division between women with children and those without, and all of a sudden I found myself in the middle of this debate--and I didn't want to be there. I'm still angry that she, an academic woman, suggested my career wasn't as important as C's and that she suggested that I wasn't being a supportive wife, but I honestly don't know which bothered me more. I wanted to list all the sacrifices I've made in recent months so C could work on his dissertation, as well as the time he's sacrificed with S and me to work on it. I then wanted to remind her what it was like to be at my stage in her career and how important conferences can be. But then I'm not defending my choices or my family's choices to her, I'm defending them to myself. Her comments brought all of my insecurities about motherhood and academia to the surface at a time when I thought I'd had all that figured out. That I am now rethinking all of that really annoys me.
4 comments:
Honestly,and this is the good news, you're right M. This person implied that you can't be both an academic and a mother. She pointed out one of the disadvantages of being an academic couple with a child. And, she implied that you have sole responsibility for finding appropriate childcare for S while your husband pursue his career.
The bad news is that this will likely not be the last time you'll face this kind of attitude. The truth is that there *are* some disadvantages to being an academic couple with a child. My husband and I (academic couple w/children) can't just up and move every time a new post-doc position opens. I can't accept a 6-month research fellowship in England..or in the US for that matter. These are disadvantages, but they're sacrifices I'm willing to make to have my family.
And we (academic mothers) do sacrifice *some* time with our children to do what we do for a living. But the sacrifice is manageable and worth it in order for us to pursue the career we love. And God knows there's a whole world of people out there who think Mom is responsible for all things child related (child care, poopy diapers, and staying home when child has chicken pox). However, if *YOU* and C are happy with your choices, that's all that matters.
I actually had one of my MA thesis co-chairs tell me that: "you'll eventually have to make some sacrifices in terms of being parent if you want to be successful as a scholar." She said this to my face, while I was a single parent, living 17 hours away from all friends and family! Then, and now, I say she's full of s*#t! Nobody else gets to define my success as a scholar, a mother, a wife, a daughter, or a friend. That job is for me alone.
Like my other thesis co-chair told me when she heard what the mean co-chair said: "Your fierce determination as both a mother and a scholar guarantee your success as both." I believe that to be true in your case as well!
What a tough situation you found yourselves in!! And how dare that woman even suggest those things!!
But Academama is perfectly right -- you'll have to toughen your skin because it's very likely that these issues will come up over and over again in your lives. Sometimes I think it's slightly easier for an academic couple in which one is in the sciences and the other in the humanities... like us, but maybe it's harder, I don't know.
Now, I'm not in a good position to speak up about most of the problems you discuss. I have willingly put my career on hold for my children and let my husband's be on the foreground. I really have had no qualms whatsoever doing that, particularly because his jobs will pay (slightly) more.
Of course having two kids so close together (something which was 'accidental' but ended up working out perfectly) kind of forced me to stop for a while (during my younger son's first year of life), but now it looks like I'll finally be able to finish.
I'm rambling here... but I share your feelings regarding the fact that I think it's outrageous even to suggest that we can't be both academics and mothers. And the whole supportive wife thing? That's just pathetic -- both of your careers matter, no question about that.
Well, I guess I could go on and on, but that will suffice for now :)
Arrgghh! I would have been just as livid as you. Maybe this is a disadvantage of being an academic couple with a child, but is it her place to point that out to him or you? (Hell no) Just try to remember all the advantages and put this crap out of your mind as much as you can, I guess.
I suppose you do have to toughen your skin a bit because this shit will happen, but at the same time, you are perfectly entitled to being pissed off and standing your ground, as far as I'm concerned.
I agree, unfortunately this kind of situation is probably all too common. But in my opinion the expectations that were explicitly stated regarding the conference are not even as problematic as some of the other issues regarding women in academia. At some time, choices need to be made regarding who gets to take the better job, who takes on more of the work at home, which are all impacted by "informal" expectations, fiscal realities of who will make more money and whose career is more likely to be interrupted, and that childcare cannot really be equally shared particularly if a mother chooses to breastfeed. I do have to disagree with the statement in one of the comments regarding that we can define success for ourselves. How is that possible? For an example, when I have paper deadlines, and my child (now 19 months) is sick asks for me and no one else, if I refuse I am not successful as a mother because neither she nor my husband, nor many other people would define me as such. If I tend to her, and am late on my paper, the people that I should have turned it in to think I have my priorities messed up, or I let motherhood get "in the way" or something like that - I am not successful in that domain. There are also measures of academic success - publications, status of the job, etc. that are very likely to be adversely impacted with the birth of a child. So even defining oneself as "successful" with one publication… still, it is still less successful than three, and the person with three is more likely to get the job. Perhaps reformulating definitions of success could lead to personal satisfaction, but it would be hard to maintain I think in the face of standards and boundaries and hiring decisions and our children’s expectations and everything else.
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