Yesterday I had a bit of a breakdown. After spending the morning reading through all my research and making an extensive outline for my Jacobs chapter, I found myself completely incapable of writing. I managed to write about 2 pages, but I wasn't happy with it and couldn't figure out how to fix it or how to move past it. As I was in C's office, while he was teaching, I decided to give myself a break by going to the library to check out some books I need to consult. I thought the change of scenery might help me recollect my thoughts so that by the time I returned to C's office I could write again. No, such luck. I sat back down and tried to write, and I felt overwhelmed. C was back by then and asked me what was wrong, and I just started crying. And I couldn't stop. I tried to explain what I was feeling, but I don't think I made much sense. In the end, I said, "I'll be 20 weeks pregnant on Thursday. That means I have 10 weeks before I have to have a complete draft of this damn dissertation to my committee. I don't know if I can do it, especially not if I keep having days where I have writer's block. I just feel like I'm never going to finish." And then I cried some more. I know C was at a total loss, and I also know he's feeling a fair amount of guilt over my anxiety.
When C was at this point with his dissertation, I basically took 6 months off from my own work--I did lots of research and kept teaching, but I did no writing. This enabled me to focus on Wild Man and take care of the house so that C could get his dissertation finished. I'll be honest; it was a brutal 6 months. By the time he was finished, I was becoming increasingly resentful that I didn't have much time to devote to my own work. In hindsight, I realize that, given C's 4-4 teaching load at the time and his hour-long commute one way, one of us had to make a sacrifice, and at that point in our relationship, that had to be me. I have always assumed that C would make a similar sacrifice when I got to this point in my dissertation. I didn't, however, anticipate that I'd be pregnant with our second child and that C would be a tenure-track professor at a R1 university. Given the demands of his job, he can't put his own work on hold the way I did. And while C does everything around the house in terms of home repair, I do almost everything in terms of the day to day stuff, a point he will readily agree with. So when I find myself vacuuming the house while C preps lectures or works on a grant, I get a little angry. Or when he asks if I can take Wild Man with me to the grocery store so he can have some quiet time to work on the weekend, I really, really want to smack him hard. We have talked about this, and he has agreed that it is totally unfair, while also pointing out that I should have said something much sooner (yes, I know he's right, but I have felt hard pressed to say anything when he's expressed so much anxiety over tenure). We're going to sit down and develop a "chore chart," something I loathe to do, but something that I really believe is essential to my own mental well being. I don't want a dirty house, and I don't want to sacrifice time with my son. But I do want to finish this dissertation before Z arrives so that I can enjoy the summer with my family before I begin the next phase of my career.
I believe I can do this, but I also know I can't do it without help. I need C to understand that help isn't always him sitting down and talking my ideas out with me. Sometimes help comes in the form of clean laundry, a hot meal, and an occupied child. I know I have lots of long days and nights ahead of me, but hopefully, I'll have fewer breakdowns.
5 comments:
I am so sorry, M. I know how frustrating it can feel. I think when you get the point of having a bit of a breakdown, you should just let it all out and have the full-on breakdown to get it out of your system. Then, the chore chart sounds like a good plan. Maybe you and C could take a day or a weekend to power clean/prepare a bunch of meals to freeze, and then you can slack off in those areas for the next ten weeks.
It really is okay if the house isn't up to your standards and dinner is from the frozen foods section of Costco (FYI--I recommend the tortilla-crusted tilapia, bourbon chicken, and Amy's spinach pizza). While C's anxiety over tenure is real, he does have several more years to get things out. You have ten weeks. He can afford to take on some of your tasks--the ones that must get done--for a couple of months. The rest can wait.
PS--if you decide to put any of these suggestions into action, don't tell C they came from me :-)
Oh, I'm so sorry you had this meltdown, but it's completely understandable!
I feel ashamed of how pampered I was with my parents helping me the whole way. But it was the only way it could ever work.
I think you are really brave and AWESOME to be able to do this without any help and having to keep on living daily life with a small child and house to take care of, together with a husband working full time.
I'm sending positive thoughts and prayers your way and I hope you can do it in 10 weeks. I'm rooting for you!
Thank you so much, Jennie and Lilian. I teared up all over again reading your lovely messages. It really does help to know you are both rooting for me.
You are so very smart, M. I like seeing your mind work and I'm glad you're moving forward (and holding C accountable). Jennie is right: you have ten weeks, C has years to make up for ten weeks of doing the cooking and laundry and care of Wild Man. He can handle it. You need him. It's simple. (Plus, 10wks vs 6 mos? This is more than a fair trade, obviously.)
If you think that you could possibly afford it, hire someone to clean -- at least until Z is born and maybe a few months afterward :).
In the next ten weeks, paying someone $50.00 every week or every other week to come in and clean the bathrooms and vaccume etc.. will make both of you feel better.
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