I have a question for all of my readers in cyberspace--and although this is a question about parenting (sort of), I'm equally interested in the opinions of those of you who aren't parents. I'm sorry to be cryptic with the information, but I'm not ready to be specific.
If you were selecting a guardian for your child (or children), would you feel compelled to select family members over friends? Also, what do you consider the most important thing when selecting a guardian for your children? Is a familial connection more important than choosing someone who shares your values?
3 comments:
We've unofficially chosen my mother, because we do feel that we have to choose a family member. My brother and his family seem like an obvious choice, but I disagree so much with their parenting style and their values that I simply can't imagine them raising my child. Of course, my mom isn't the ideal candidate either--but she's the best of our family options. It's a really difficult decision. We considered asking friends at one point, but decided that it would be too complicated. I've decided that at least one of us has to survive until Supa-T is an adult. That's all there is to it :)
when we made our wills, we chose my mother in law but, given her age, we made a secondary provision and chose some close friends. My sister pitched a fit and promised to fight it in court (which is ridiculous, we have a will) because she believes blood connection trumps all. But we decided we didn't agree. For one thing, we have serious differences in values with my family. For another, all of our siblings are unmarried and thrusting one of them into instant single-parenthood seemed like it would be unfair to all involved.
We'll re-evaluate if and when my husband's brothers marry but even then, we may still keep the friends we've chosen. They're a wonderful family, they have kids already, they share our values, and they have fantastic extended family support. It's a good fit.
I do not think you're obligated to choose family over friends, regardless of what family members think. That said, we ended up going with family even though there were more shared values/parenting styles/continuity with friends. It took us a couple of years to make this decision (yes, my son had no guardian for awhile) because there are many reasons our family members weren't ideal. But for me, I ended up deciding that the most important thing in selecting a guardian was unconditional love for my child. My thinking--as someone who lost a parent at a young age--was that children who lose both parents can be kind of messed up for a long time and while there may be several friends who would love to raise your well-adjusted child, that might not be the case if that child turned into a complete ass (cough, my brother) for years on end.
We plan to revisit this issue again when Luke is mature enough to be part of the decision-making process. My mom had named a cousin I didn't know very well as our guardian and I was furious to learn about this later in life when I felt like the perfect and most logical choice was my next-door neighbor.
Good luck making this terribly difficult decision. I agree with Supadiscomama that the old good option is to live long enough to raise your children into adulthood.
Post a Comment