Anastasia has a very interesting post about telling her daughter Kizzy she is smart. I won't try to sum up her point, but it got me thinking about my own childhood, how C and I praise Wild Man, and what traits of mine Wild Man has inherited.
As Anastasia points out, many academics were told as children they were smart. While this wasn't the case in my family (my parents are not big praisers; I can count on my hands the number of times my mother has told me she was proud of me, but that's a separate issue), I can relate to this. I was told in school that I was smart, my grandparents told me I was smart, and I was on the advanced placement track in high school. I knew I was smart. School was something I excelled at, plain and simple. In retrospect, I excelled at lots of things, but I wasn't really encouraged. Since doing well in school didn't force my parents to get involved in other activities, it was acceptable. I put much more pressure on myself than my parents ever did. In fact, my mom tells people that I was never punished for bringing home a bad grade because I would always come home in tears and immediately begin studying harder. In contrast, my sister, who is also very smart, didn't care a lot about school. She wanted to have fun and be with her friends (things I also wanted to do, but as my friends were as "smart" as I was, we usually ended up studying together). My sister could have done much better in school if she wanted to. At some point in our childhoods, my sister decided she was the pretty one, and I decided I was the smart one. These labels have haunted us through adulthood and make our own relationship difficult.
My sister has passed some of these hang ups onto her own kids by constantly telling her daughter how pretty and smart she is, and telling her son he is so handsome and smart. I know that she is trying to give them the sense of positive self-esteem that she feels our parents, particularly our mother, didn't give to us. But I've always found her constant mantras of positive self-esteem somewhat troubling and, truth be told, irritating.
With Wild Man, C and I do not tell him he is smart. I mean he is a toddler, so he doesn't yet understand smart. We do praise him when he figures things out, and we do teach him things. But we don't try to pressure him at all. When Yetta and Pita were here a few weeks ago, they constantly commented on how smart Wild Man is and how much he knows in comparison to his cousins. I felt that their statements were more about the way we parent as opposed to the way C's brother and sister-in-law parent than they were about Wild Man. On the day before she left, however, Yetta told C and I that she really thinks Wild Man has above average intelligence and she really thinks we need to encourage that as much as possible.
Here's the thing: it is impossible to tell how "smart" Wild Man is right now. He is 20-months old. Yes, he is learning his letters, his shapes, and his numbers. He listens really well, loves to draw, and will "read" books for up to an hour. He has a rather large vocabulary and is beginning to be able to identify feelings. But he also loves to run, jump, and tumble, and he still has temper tantrums, mood swings, and meltdowns. I was really put off by Yetta's willingness to label his as "extraordinary" because most of his abilities are a product of being in our house. C and I are both academics, so we encourage him to read, to look at pictures, and to figure things out on his own. I don't want him to be labeled as anything--at least not right now. I definitely don't want him to label himself in comparison to others as I did. I want him to know that he will succeed and fail at many things in life, and all of those successes and failures will make him a better person. Most of all, I really just want him to figure things out for himself. I don't want a role or an identity to be imposed on him. So C and I will try not to emphasize one trait over another.
*Incidentally, C was known as an athlete, and even almost 20 years after he graduated from high school, the people he grew up with still think of him that way. And while he loves sports, he feels like this was a path that was chosen for him. As a result, his decision to become an art historian wasn't received very well by his parents (especially his father) or lots of his hometown friends. He also wants Wild Man to figure out things for himself.
8 comments:
We tell Supa-T that he's smart. We also tell him that he's cute, handsome, sweet, loving, cuddly, funny, strong, brave, loved, and so on. We don't push him to read or learn anything in particular. If he's interested, we'll encourage that interest--for as long as it lasts. When he's ready to move on, we do.
Our parents also gush about how smart Supa-T is--usually in comparison to other children. Of course, I think my kid's the smartest, cutest, etc.--as I'm supposed to--but his abilities or lack thereof seem pretty comparable to those of the other kids in his daycare class. Sure, there are differences, but nothing major. We let our parents gush--it's the grandparent's right, I think, to do so.
As for building him up goes--that's not necessarily my intention. I say these things to Supa-T because I believe them to be true. I can't help myself. "You're so sweet," I tell him when he covers me in kisses. "You're so smart," I say when he figures something out on his own or surprises me with his knowledge. I suppose that I'm gushing, but, dammit, it's my right to gush over my kid--whom I love so much it makes my heart feel like it might burst.
Obviously, a pair of academics like Supa-D and myself hope that Supa-T is a talented student. But I plan (we plan) to encourage him an *any* interests: music, theater, visual arts, sports, Dungeons & Dragons, writing, etc. (but not motocross, football, skateboarding, or other activity which threatens extreme physical damage--although I suppose I can only hold him off for so long).
Okay, I've lost my point--but maybe you can infer...?
P.S. One of the comments on Anastasia's post brings up the issue of a self-described smart person entering a world in which she is no longer necessarily the "smartest kid in class." This reminds me of myself and my fellow PhD pursuers, all of whom suddenly felt inferior and not so smart upon entering the program. Interesting stuff.
It is the comparison, I think, in Yetta and Pita's comments that bother me. It feels like their saying "Oh Wild Man is so much smarter than his cousins. Clearly you're doing something right while your brother-in-law is doing something wrong." There is no recognition of individual parenting styles or the individual-ness of the children.
I want Wild Man to know he is smart, but I want to try to avoid labeling him like I was labeled and like I think my sister is inadvertently labeling her children.
And we do praise Wild Man, but without really thinking about it, we say things like "good job," or "way to figure things out" rather than "you're so smart."
Part of the issue, for me at least, is that I think we praise mediocrity a lot in our culture. My niece recently "graduated" from 8th grade, and at the graduation ceremony (which I think is sort of absurd), they had an awards ceremony, in which every kid in the class was given an award for something. I find this really weird. I want Wild Man to know that his accomplishments mean something--which means that I'm not going to tell my kid that every drawing he makes is "the best ever." But this is a separate point and something I might address in a different post.
There's a funny episode of Everybody Loves Raymond in which Marie goes off on such excesses of praise in the form of gold stars--simply for doing what one is expected to do :)
I'm more like Supadiscomama, I praise because I can't help myself. I think Luke is cute and smart--maybe not cuter or smarter than anybody else, but worthy of praise, especially from me. I also praise other qualities (manners, kindness, humor, etc.), and I can be quick with criticism too. Yes, there is a lot of praising mediocrity in our culture and it is a concern of mine, but being too quick with criticism is also a concern of mine, just as not praising enough is concerning as well. Basically, no matter what I do, I can find a way to be concerned! This parenting thing isn't simple, that's for sure. For me, I'm just trying to do the best I can to really get to know my son to give him the opportunity and support to become whoever he is meant to be. Praise or no praise, the biggest issue I have with my mom is that she has no idea just how much she doesn't know who I am.
after consulting the child, apparently our issue arose because she's being told at school that she's smart a whole bunch and yet, we don't really say that at home (not on purpose, just don't think of it). That made her wonder if I think she's smart, too.
I'm a lot like you. I mean..she's 4. I don't think I quite know how smart she is. I'm getting more a sense for what goes on her in brain as she gets older and I like her but basically, she's a kid. Who knows?
I've also had the exact experience of my mom going on and on about how smart she is and how much smarter than other kids etc and it drives me up the wall. Most of it is because she's growing up in our house.
My very good friend and I had a conversation that prompted the post in which she told me that someday soon her son would realize he's infinitely smarter than she is (yes, she said infinitely) and then he'll start to look down on her. She said this a little wistfully but also with a note of pride because dammit this is the most brilliant child ever.
My response was he'd better not say that because for one thing, it isn't true and for another, ummm it's rude?
She followed up with sometimes I just wish he was a normal child. I said honey. He is a normal child. Yes, she says but he's so so smart. I said, yes, he is. Just like millions of other kids. Dead silence. She's so invested in him being the smartest she never even praises her other children.
Anyway, that got me thinking and I don't really want to pass on too many of my hangups about this to my kids, which is why I dont want them overinvested in being smart. Just worried I'm overdoing it.
My brother was always known as the hung one.
And I bet that affected your self-esteem a lot, Oxy.
My wife & I have been adoptive parents for 9 months now and we do praise our 2 yr old - or more precisely, we try to praise his actions. We say things like, "Counting all the way to 10 is a very smart thing." or "When you ran all the way to the tree, your feet seemed very fast."
We were a little apprehensive about how we'd broach the adoption topic so we've started ocassionally adding the question, "What do you think makes you so smart?" at the end of some of those praises. And quickly, he has learned to say, "Because I'm [from] Moscow, Russia!" Of course, he has no clue what that means, but we're hoping that we can instill more of a feeling of 'specialness' (rather than just difference) to his birthplace. I'm not sure if this is exactly the right way to handle this, but hopefully we still have plenty of time to study up...
Post a Comment