Teacher, mother, writer, wife, academic, friend. . . trying to juggle all the pieces without losing any.
Friday, January 25, 2008
The Bad-Mommy Brigade
Ayelet Waldman's essay in NYmag, "The Bad-Mommy Brigade," is laugh-out loud funny, but it also raises some compelling questions about mothering in 2008. Check it out.
Good stuff :) And I do have sympathy for Britney. Can you imagine the things that would be said, written, and/or photographed if *we* were watched 24/7. We'd probably all be deemed "bad mommies" at some point.
Thanks for the link, I love Ayelet Waldman. I used to read her blog (bad mama) before she shut it down... (she was blogging about her own suicidal thoughts).
I really liked this article--it perfectly articulates one perspective. Except I think I am one of those moms she has never met, the kind who--without regret--can channel all my energy and ambition into motherhood, and my guilt/conflict is over how that makes me a bad feminist/scholar. What is wrong with me that I don't feel that 'underlying and corrosive sense of disappointment and anxiety' she speaks of? And why, when I used to be the most career-minded individual I had ever known, do I now (read: as a parent) realize that professional success never made me feel this happy and content? I enjoy scholarly work and teaching--they're well-matched with my interests, talents, and training. And I'm accomplished (if I can say that about myself without being a complete ass). Prior to motherhood I truly believed I had found my calling, my passion. But, if I'm being totally honest, now I am mostly just finishing my Ph.D. because I am too proud to quit. I don't want to some day, in the very distant future, regret not finishing. Otherwise, I could walk away from it all and joyfully be a stay-at-home mother without feeling like I was sacrificing a part of myself. What brings me the most satisfaction and the highest quality of life is now ironically in conflict with my politics and ideology. I mean, is it even possible to be a feminist housewife? Most of my peers would say that's an oxymoron, not to mention a huge waste of a Ph.D. I know I would have, three years ago. Outwardly I might have been supportive...feminism is about having choices, blah, blah, blah...but I would have been silently judgmental. So, for the most part, I just keep it all to myself and hope nobody notices when I don't go on the job market. And I wonder if I'll change my mind later, fully reserving the right to do so. Or not.
I think you make some really great points, Jennie. I remember an episode for the first season of "Sex and the City" called "The Baby Shower." The ladies go to a baby shower of a formerly wild friend, and all the women they meet at the shower used to have careers as bankers and lawyers. The show paints these women as stereotypes; they are either hovering parents or secretly unfulfilled by being "only" mothers. I think we buy into these stereotypes too much. Why do we have to assume that stay-at-home moms are either resentful of their children or obsessed with their children? Can't moms be happy and fulfilled without be obsessed or resentful?
The Sex and the City episode I think about is the "I choose my choice" episode, when Charlotte quits her job because she wants to have a baby and focus on family and all the ladies clearly think it's the stupidest thing they've ever heard. I don't think I'm Charlotte, or maybe I just don't want to think I'm like Charlotte, but am I a sell-out feminist if I choose my personal life over my professional life? I go back and forth on this one. Are feminists allowed to make choices based on our personal wants and agendas, or do we owe something to a movement that makes this a choice in the first place? After all, even Gloria Steinem got married.
5 comments:
Good stuff :) And I do have sympathy for Britney. Can you imagine the things that would be said, written, and/or photographed if *we* were watched 24/7. We'd probably all be deemed "bad mommies" at some point.
Thanks for the link, I love Ayelet Waldman. I used to read her blog (bad mama) before she shut it down... (she was blogging about her own suicidal thoughts).
I really liked this article--it perfectly articulates one perspective. Except I think I am one of those moms she has never met, the kind who--without regret--can channel all my energy and ambition into motherhood, and my guilt/conflict is over how that makes me a bad feminist/scholar. What is wrong with me that I don't feel that 'underlying and corrosive sense of disappointment and anxiety' she speaks of? And why, when I used to be the most career-minded individual I had ever known, do I now (read: as a parent) realize that professional success never made me feel this happy and content? I enjoy scholarly work and teaching--they're well-matched with my interests, talents, and training. And I'm accomplished (if I can say that about myself without being a complete ass). Prior to motherhood I truly believed I had found my calling, my passion. But, if I'm being totally honest, now I am mostly just finishing my Ph.D. because I am too proud to quit. I don't want to some day, in the very distant future, regret not finishing. Otherwise, I could walk away from it all and joyfully be a stay-at-home mother without feeling like I was sacrificing a part of myself. What brings me the most satisfaction and the highest quality of life is now ironically in conflict with my politics and ideology. I mean, is it even possible to be a feminist housewife? Most of my peers would say that's an oxymoron, not to mention a huge waste of a Ph.D. I know I would have, three years ago. Outwardly I might have been supportive...feminism is about having choices, blah, blah, blah...but I would have been silently judgmental. So, for the most part, I just keep it all to myself and hope nobody notices when I don't go on the job market. And I wonder if I'll change my mind later, fully reserving the right to do so. Or not.
I think you make some really great points, Jennie. I remember an episode for the first season of "Sex and the City" called "The Baby Shower." The ladies go to a baby shower of a formerly wild friend, and all the women they meet at the shower used to have careers as bankers and lawyers. The show paints these women as stereotypes; they are either hovering parents or secretly unfulfilled by being "only" mothers. I think we buy into these stereotypes too much. Why do we have to assume that stay-at-home moms are either resentful of their children or obsessed with their children? Can't moms be happy and fulfilled without be obsessed or resentful?
The Sex and the City episode I think about is the "I choose my choice" episode, when Charlotte quits her job because she wants to have a baby and focus on family and all the ladies clearly think it's the stupidest thing they've ever heard. I don't think I'm Charlotte, or maybe I just don't want to think I'm like Charlotte, but am I a sell-out feminist if I choose my personal life over my professional life? I go back and forth on this one. Are feminists allowed to make choices based on our personal wants and agendas, or do we owe something to a movement that makes this a choice in the first place? After all, even Gloria Steinem got married.
Post a Comment