5 nights down . . .

5 nights to go until C returns. I'm exhausted for a variety of reasons. I want to write more, but all mental energy is focused on childcare, job applications, and grading.

Today I have to get out 5 more applications, after getting out 8 earlier this week. Somehow I'll also manage to get Wild Man to a birthday party and take both Wild Man and Bear trick or treating. I will also try not to strangle my mother. I will remember she is doing her best and that it has been over 30 years since she took care of little ones.

Oh, and somehow I will maintain my already tenuous hold on my sanity.

Quiet

My house is too quiet, and it is starting to annoy me. C is currently in Spain while I'm home with the boys. My mom and brother are here helping me take care of them, and I'd forgotten how quiet they are. Add to that the fact that I'm either grading or working on job materials and Wild Man is working on his puzzles, which means that there isn't a whole lot of talking going on. If C were here he and I would be talking while I worked and he played with the boys. Given Wild Man's recent penchant for randomly screaming I never thought I'd complain my house was too quiet, but there it is. Even Bear is being quiet.

Happy Birthday, Wild Man!!

Wild Man is officially 3 today!

No, no, no. . .

I do not want the pediatrician to tell me that Bear can begin eating solid food whenever he shows interest. I am not ready for my baby to be 4 months old. I am not, I am not, I am not.

And yes, I am having a bit of an emotional temper tantrum. I had a really big one on Friday and told C how much I dislike him right now since he is the one who gets to stay home with Bear. I also told him if we end up staying in Canada and if I get a tenure-track job at CU we may well have a third child so I take a year off and stay home with one child. I told you I was having a temper tantrum.

Now and then

On Tuesday, Wild Man turns 3. I can hardly believe how much he's changed in 3 years. To commemorate this event, here are two pictures of him. The first was taken as we were leaving for his birthday party. The second was taken when he was just a few days old. How time flies. Happy Birthday, my Wild Man!


*I deleted the "now" image, but kept the "then" image as Wild Man looks nothing like this anymore.

It happened. . .

So Wild Man turns 3 next week, and by the nature of the travels I described in my last post, none of our extended family will be here for his birthday. Wild Man could care less, quite frankly. He asked for a birthday party with his friends, so we're having one. I guarantee he won't notice if I'm there let alone if either of his grandmother's is there. That said, my mom gets in to town for a 9 day visit a few days after Wild Man's birthday, and she has said she wants to take him shopping for a present. That's cool with me because it means I don't have to tell my mom what to get him. Wild Man can pick it out for himself. When my mom said this to me, I told C and then immediately told him not to tell him mom because I'm not up for dealing with the battle of the grandmothers. I'm just not. Well, C screwed up and mentioned this to his mom (although in his defense she did ask what my mom was getting Wild Man for his birthday). So now not only does Yetta also have to take him shopping when she comes to visit after she and C return from Spain, she is also insisting that we have another party (yes, another party, including friends, cake, and activities) for him because she doesn't want to miss "all the birthday celebrations." You know, taking him to buy him a gift is fine with me; in fact, I think it is a great thing for them to do together. I am not drawing out his birthday for 2 flipping weeks because she is jealous of the time he will be spending with my mom.

Ok, I just reread this and thought: "So, M, she wants to celebrate his birthday with him. Really, what's the big deal? Why are you so annoyed?" I'm trying to be reasonable about Yetta as I promised myself long ago that I would be, but I am tired of being reasonable. I'm annoyed because I feel like she's making Wild Man's birthday about her.

Random Updates

C just left to take Wild Man to school and took Bear along for the ride, so I actually have 45 minutes to myself. Before I take a shower, I thought I'd post some updates.

• I'm about 5 weeks into the semester, and we've finally settled into a routine of sorts. C and Bear have worked out most issues with the bottle, although Bear will still refuse it randomly. C is a bit frustrated that he isn't able to get more research or writing done, but he has been able to submit one grant application. And as he keeps reminding himself, he is on leave. His focus is supposed to be Bear, so it is ok if he doesn't get anything done.
• Wild Man turns 3 in less than a week. C and I are both having a hard time with that one. We've planned a birthday party for him at a local children's museum. This is the first party that will consist mainly of Wild Man's friends rather than mine and C's.
• In another milestone for Wild Man, we recently attend his friend's third birthday party. As we were leaving, C said to me, "You know, D is the first friend Wild Man has made on his own. He isn't the child of one of our friends, but someone Wild Man chose on his own to be friends with." This realization is making us both realize that Wild Man is definitely becoming his own person.
• Bear is a huge flirt. In fact, C says their best days together are ones in which they get out of the house at least once so that Bear can see and "talk" to other people. It is so fun to watch him interact with other people. And he is incredibly vocal for a 3 1/2 month old.
  
• I'm barely keeping up with my classes, and I'm actually enjoying my professional writing class a lot more than I thought I would. The students are vocal and actually want to talk about the things I'm lecturing on, which makes the classes more enjoyable for me.
• So far, I've applied to three jobs and have one more application due this week. The bulk of my deadlines are next month, so I'm trying to get a jump on that.
• Bear and I are going to a conference next weekend, while Wild Man and C stay home. I get to see two of my closest friends, so I'm excited about that. I am, however, a bit nervous about traveling with Bear on my own. C is also a bit concerned about how Wild Man is going to respond to being without his brother for the first time.
• When I return from my conference, I will be bringing my mom and older brother home with me; we're meeting in the airport and driving back to CU Land together. They'll be staying with us for ten days to help me with the boys, as C leaves a few days later to go on a research trip to Spain. I'm more than a bit annoyed that the best time for him to take this trip is mid-semester, but the prices are so inexpensive right now he had to go. It will be a crazy two weeks for us. Starting with my trip, C and I will be together only two nights out of fifteen. My mom and brother will be with me for most of the time that C is gone, but as my brother couldn't get the entire time off of work, their stay overlaps with Pita's, who is coming to help with the boys at the end of the trip. To make things crazier, C is actually taking his mom with him to Spain (and yes, I've told him he is totally insane), so when he gets home she'll return to CU Land with him.
• I'm not thrilled with this arrangement for a few reasons. First, I'm really excited to see my mom, my brother, and even Pita (whose nickname is less appropriate than it once was, but I don't see the point in changing it). I think they will be really helpful and distract Wild Man from C's lengthy absence. Second, Yetta will only be with us for 2 days. When C booked the trip, he tried to get her to stay longer in CU Land after their trip to Spain so she could spend more time with the boys. She flat out refused saying, "I've never been away from home for more than two weeks. I don't want to be gone any longer than that." Ok, so she's entitled to her feelings, and I respect those feelings. After all I prefer being in my own home, but I'm annoyed by this because she is already saying, "I won't get to see the boys for very long, and since you all aren't coming home at Christmas I don't know when I'll see them again." I don't need the guilt trip she's attempting to lay on us, and I've told her that. C pointed out that she is the one who is retired and that we're going to MLA in December in the hopes that I will actually have job interviews there. She's already tried to invite herself to Philadelphia, and C told her flat out no--or at least not until the conference is over. He and I are currently negotiating this one. Point blank: it's cheaper for her to visit us, and she has more free time.
• To make it worse, we're planning a short trip to see my grandparents in December. They live halfway between CU Land and Homestate, but we won't be making this trip very close to Christmas (b/c of MLA) or going on to Homestate as we did last year. Yetta is likely to invite herself there, which she has done before, and C will, once again, have to uninvite her. She really doesn't make this easy. . . If my mom and dad end up driving up to see us (these are my mom's parents), Yetta will really lose it.
  
• That said, we're trying to figure out when we'll get to Homestate again. C is really eager to make another visit, but it is a hard one to figure out logistically (and financially) right now.
• As I type this, I realize that I'm finally coming into my own as a mother of two. C and I are working really well together these past few weeks, and while we still have tense moments, we're focused on making life as stress-free as possible. I'm proud of us for getting through all the life changing events of the past year.
  

One down, a million things to go

I just submitted my first job application. That takes one thing off of my to do list and leaves a million, explaining my prolonged absence from the blog.

Still here

I'm still here. I'm just consumed by class prep, article revision, birthday party planning, and parenthood. I've been thinking about a few things I want to post, but I've got to find the time. . .

37 jobs

I've spent a significant amount of time in recent days pouring over MLA's job list. After searching the list in every way I can think of, I have found 37 jobs that I may be able to apply for. 37 is not bad in a year in which some of my friends have less than 20 jobs to apply for. But when I think that 2 years ago, well before I was ready to go on the market, they were over 70 jobs in my area, 37 is a bit disconcerting.

Dr. English

Yesterday I received a very surprising email from Dr. English, the head of CU's English department. I first want to say that Dr. English rates right up there with Dr. Nice Guy, who, if you recall, is the head of C's department. Here is some background.

Last December, I emailed Dr. English to set up a meeting. I did this for several reasons. I knew the teaching opportunities in Women's Studies were going to be reduced and that CU was going to be cutting the number of part-time instructors it hired. I also wanted to meet Dr. English because I eventually hope to get a partner placement in his department. He graciously agreed to meet with me, and we had a lovely meeting. In fact, he seemed really interested in my research--even more so than in what I might teach for his department. We chatted for about 40 minutes, and he promised to contact me when the part-time jobs for his department were posted. He kept his word, and I am currently teaching a full-year course in English. Dr. English has also emailed me throughout the summer to congratulate me on defending, on graduating, and to discuss various other things. He is a really nice guy.

Yesterday I received another really nice email from him. He asked me if I had any opportunity to meet many others in the English department. He then listed the other Americanists in the department and asked if he could help facilitate any meetings with them. I immediately emailed back my appreciation and expressed interest in meeting all of them, specifically on professor who is organizing a conference that I am presenting at in November. I also took the opportunity to ask if I could list him as a reference on my CV as I'm going on the market this year in search of a tenure-track job (hey, I didn't think it would hurt to remind him that a t-t job is the ultimate goal). He graciously agreed and told me he'd email the professor I'd mentioned to see if he could set up a lunch for the three of us. What a really, really nice guy!

Bear, 12 weeks

Bear is 12 weeks old today. Here is a fairly recent picture of him. As you can see, he is growing fast. At his 8 week check up, he was 13 pounds 4 ounces and 24.5 inches long. I estimate he is now at least 25 inches long and over 14 pounds. My triceps and biceps are getting some serious definition from carrying him around! He is cooing a lot and is on the verge of laughing. He is sleeping 4 hour stretches at night, waking up long enough to nurse and go back to sleep. Life with Bear is really good. As I said to C last night, it is hard to remember life with only one child. It feels like Bear has been with us forever.

Control

C is embracing his new domestic role. On one level, it's great. He made breakfast this morning, put dinner in the crockpot, and washed 4 loads of laundry. This week alone he cleaned, took care of Bear, and reorganized the kitchen now that he's got all the cabinets installed. I'm feeling a bit out of sorts about all of this, however. This morning he informed me I was putting something in the wrong place in the kitchen, and I had no idea what to say about that. For various reasons, the kitchen has always been my domain. I do the majority of the cooking, so I have always organized the kitchen. I feel like I'm no longer in control of my home, which I know isn't accurate and is a response to going back to work. I'm going to have to remind myself that C can do things just as well as I can, and that there is nothing wrong with how he does things. Except, of course, that my way is better.

Dr. M

I just realized that I am teaching for the first time as "Dr. M." That has made my day just a bit easier.

So it begins

Today is my first long day away from Bear. After dropping Wild Man off at school a bit later than usual (my Thursday teaching schedule necessitates that I'm on campus until 4:30 meaning I won't be able to pick Wild Man up until 5:00 so we decided that I would drop him off a bit later than usual on Thursdays), I am now in C's office hiding out. Why am I in C's office? Well, I currently have access to three offices in various locations on CU's campus. However, I share every single one of them. I have no desire to try to figure out how to pump in offices that I share with a minimum of three other people--one office is, in fact, a desk in the Writing office. I share that space with about 12 people at any given time. C has his own office, so I'll be using his office to pump.

Right now I'm doing last minute things before trekking over to the English department to make copies and then to Women Studies to check on some other things. I want nothing more than to go home and snuggle with Bear. He was napping in his crib when I left, so here's hoping he had a good nap and that he and C will have a good day. It'll be a long 6 hours until I'm home again. And given his current response to the bottle I fully expect to spend the afternoon and evening nursing him.

Header update

I finally got around to updating my header. Let me know what you think.

Seriously, this is enough home improvement

Usually I love having a handy husband. I love that when something breaks C can usually fix it and fairly quickly. He is not the sort of person who puts off home repair. Things get done fast. But right now our office is a disaster as is our kitchen. Why? Because this week he's decided he has to finish all the projects he started before Bear was born. So last week he put another coat of paint on the downstairs hallway and decided to prime the office. Today he finished installing the kitchen cabinets. Now we have to purchase countertops and have them installed. He also have to finish painting the office so I'm no longer working on job materials and planning lessons at the kitchen table. I told him a little while ago that he cannot take on so many home improvement projects at one time ever again. Seriously, this is a bit ridiculous.

Blehh

I'm completing the last of my syllabi while C works on the kitchen and Bear naps. I'm still feeling rather "Blehh" about going back to teaching, but I'll deal. I'm trying to work out office hours so that I'll be away from home the minimum amount of time, but right now it's looking like I'll be gone Mondays and Fridays from about 8:15 until 12:45 or 1:00. Tuesdays I'll leave the house around 8:45 and be home around 1:00. Thursdays I'll go in later, around 9:30, but I won't be home until at least 5:00. Wednesdays I'm not planning to go in at all, except for the occasional meeting. I'm trying to squeeze in office hours on the days I'll be on campus, but I know I'll have to be there longer some days. I'm feeling a bit sick to my stomach by all of this, but there isn't much I can do. I have to teach. I have to stay visible in order to stay in the good graces of the powers that be if we're going to make a case for partner placement this year, which is the ultimate goal. Oh, and on top of all this teaching, I have to work on job materials and revise a chapter to submit for publication. Blehh.

Reading lists

I've been working on my reading list for the lit course I'm teaching this fall. It is a special topics course on Women's Lit. Since I fairly short notice for this course, I designed around the themes in my dissertation. Unfortunately the reading list for the course is much, much longer. You see, Canadian universities run courses for the entire year, and this is one such course. I'm here to tell you trying to figure out reading assignments 6 months in advance is weird--and tricky.

Something else

A few moments ago, as I was snuggling Bear through an afternoon nap (he was napping while on the boppy after nursing as I read for classes next week), I suddenly had a flashback to Wild Man's first day of day care. C was teaching that day, and as I recall he taught at 8 am that semester. Thus, I got Wild Man ready and dropped him off myself. He had no idea what was going on, but as he was happy in the arms of his caregiver I essentially dropped him off and fled as quickly as I could. I drove to campus, parked my car, and promptly walked to the office of one of my best friends, Supadiscomama. I then proceeded to cry for the next 15 minutes or so while she rubbed my back--she'd gone through the same experience a few months earlier with her own son. Being in her office and knowing she (and my other friends Sarah and L) knew how I felt helped me get through that day and the next few that followed until it got easier to drop Wild Man off.

When Wild Man and I leave Bear with C next week at 8:30 or so and don't return until after 4, I will drop Wild Man off at school and then go to my office--the one I share with 4 other people, none of whom I know (or like) all that well. I don't have any place or any one to go to who will rub my back while I cry. I know I can call any or all of these wonderful friends the minute I get to my office, but I also know that won't be quite the same. That makes this whole experience just a little bit harder.