Archer, happiness, and changing my mindset

Yesterday, while sitting in the doctor's office, I read an article about changing how we think in an attempt to make ourselves happier.  Apparently, we can change the neural pathways in our brains to make ourselves happier.  I found myself thinking about this article after I dropped Archer off at his office this morning. 

We had a fairly difficult night last night.  Bear is cutting 3 molars, as well as 2 other teeth.  He also has a cold, so he isn't sleeping as well as he could.  He was up from 2-3:45 last night.  When he woke up, I nursed him back to sleep, but as soon as I put him in his crib he woke up.  I patted him on his back (while leaning over his crib) for 15 minutes; at that point, I'd been awake for 45 minutes and was getting frustrated.  I woke up Archer and asked him to take over.  He happily complied, but 10 minutes later, Bear started having a full-blown meltdown, so Archer took him downstairs to get him back to sleep.  Archer teaches on Friday mornings, so our tacit rule is that I handle the night shift on Thursday nights, just as he handles the night shift the night before I teach in the morning.  So I went downstairs to take over.  Archer told me to go back to bed, but I said, "Nope, you teach tomorrow.  I can handle it."  45 minutes later I was finally able to get Bear back to bed, and 30 minutes after that, I was finally asleep myself.  When Bear woke up at 6, Archer told me to sleep a little longer, and he took Bear downstairs.  They played, and Archer packed lunches, made snacks, unloaded the dishwasher, made coffee, and essentially did everything that has to be done in the morning to get us out the door one time.  When I woke up 6:50, I had a cup of coffee waiting for me, and I only had to make the boys toast and get them and myself dressed.  It was, for the most part, a good morning.

When I dropped Archer off, I accidentally locked the car without realizing it, making it impossible for him to get his bag out of the car.  He glared at me and said something unkind, and I said something unkind in return.  He walked off to his office without really saying goodbye.  As I drove away, I was thinking all sorts of uncharitable things, most of which are completely in accurate about my husband. Both of our actions erased all the good feelings I had about the morning. 

This happens a lot in our house/relationship lately.  Why?  Mainly, I think, because we're both stressed out about job stuff, neither of us is getting enough sleep, and we spend too much time together, although it isn't the right kind of time together.  We're still struggling to balance our relationship with the demands of one t-t job, one full-time, non-t-t teaching appointment, and two children.  More often than not our relationship gets put on the back burner, which sucks.  Our baby-sitter, whom we don't use often enough, is about to have her second child, so we have to find another sitter.  We have no family around to help us, and although we do have good friends who routinely offer to take the boys, these friends have two girls of their own, so we never take them up on there offer (nor do they take us up on our offer to watch their girls). 

As I was thinking uncharitable things, I remembered the article I read yesterday, and I decided that I was going to make a conscious effort when I'm annoyed or angry with Archer to remember why I love him.  So here are 10 reasons why I love Archer. 

1.  I love his smile.
2.  I love that he knows exactly how I take my coffee.
3.  I love that he knows what kind of french fries I like.
4.  I love his pancakes.
5.  I love the way his eyes crinkle when he is laughing with the boys.
6.  I love that he can change Bear's diaper faster than I can.
7.  I love his laugh.
8.  I love he is always willing to stop what he is doing and talk to me about my work.
9.  I love his hands.
10.  I love that he is always knows when I need some time to myself.

I'm going to do my best to make this an every day practice, to recognize the things I love and the things that make me happy.  I want to feel more relaxed and happier with myself rather than so focused on the negative all the time.  Without sounding corny, I do have a lot to be thankful for, and I'm going to make an effort to remember that.

Seriously, you call that a visit?

Yetta and Pita (who is recovering very well) arrive for a visit late Monday afternoon.  They are bringing two of their friends with them, as they are doing quite a lot of sight-seeing along the way.  I was under the impression that they would be in CU Land for the entire week, taking day trips while Bear and Wild Man are in school and Archer and I are working and spending the afternoons and evenings with us (or with the boys).  They are, in fact, leaving bright and early Thursday morning.  I don't know if I can effectively express why, but I'm really annoyed.  Here are a few reasons.

• For the last few weeks Pita has been telling Wild Man very excitedly about this visit, and he is, thus, excited.  Right now it seems like she and Yetta will be spending 3 evenings with him, probably around 12 hours.  He is going to be really upset when he begins to understand how short their visit is.
• Yetta isn't even staying with us.  She is staying at a hotel with the travel friends.  While this makes life easier on us in a lot of ways, it further limits the time she has with the boys.
• Yetta has already made several comments about how she never sees the boys and how she is so excited to see them, but that she hates that it will be such a short visit.

Clearly, seeing the boys is not the primary purpose of this visit, which is fine.  They are entitled to take trips that are not associated with visiting us.  But don't get my children all excited about a trip in which you won't be spending much time with them.  Don't complain that you don't know Bear at all and then plan a trip to see him which will not enable you to develop that relationship further.  Oh, and don't plan a trip for the school/work week and then get annoyed that Archer and I will be working and Wild Man will be in school.  I'm trying really hard to focus on all the positive things (yes, including the fact that my teaching schedule means I won't have to spend much time with them), but this isn't going to be an easy trip for Wild Man, who loves Pita and Yetta dearly.  He is going to be upset when he learns that Yetta isn't staying at our house.  It is going to be equally difficult on Bear, who has a hard time adjusting to strangers.  He will not want to go to them, and they will not be here long enough for him to get used to him.  Archer and I will also be regaled with comments like, "Well, why doesn't Bear like me?  I don't understand it.  Wild Man would come right to me at this age." 

I can't believe I'm writing this, but I really wish they were staying longer.  Yes, that would be more stressful on me, but it would be so much better for Wild Man and Bear.

More Job Stuff

I hate all the emotional ups and downs that come with being on the job market.  Hate them.  I like to think of myself as a fairly even-keeled person.  Being on the job market throws me completely off balance.  One minute I'm excited about a job ad, and the next minute I want to cry in frustration.  I may need to go into therapy just to get through this search.

Bear Update

Bear had his 15 month check-up late last week.  He is doing great, although he has slowed down in both his height and his weight.  Bear was my big baby, weight 8 lbs. 6 oz and measuring 22.5 inches at birth.  I'm 5'3" and weigh 105 lbs. when I'm not pregnant, so for me, Bear was a big baby.  Like Wild Man, Bear gained weight quickly, but he started slowing down at about 6 months.  Between his 9 month and 12 month check up he only gained a pound and literally fell off the growth chart.  That concerned his doctor and prompted a series of weight checks.  As of last week he weight 22 lbs. and 6 oz., which is about 1.5 lbs. more than he weighed at his 12 month check up.  He is gaining weight, but he is doing so at his own rate.  He is currently in the 25th percentile for weight and the 26th for height (he is 30.5 inches long).  He is hitting all of his other developmental milestones, so the doctor is no longer concerned about his weight.  She is concerned about his head size.

Bear is 30.5 inches long, and his head circumference is 19.8 inches.  He is off the chart for his head size.  Our doctor has expressed some concern in the past, but as Archer and Wild Man both have large heads, she hasn't been too worried.  But since Bear has slowed down in every other aspect of his growth except his head, she is a bit concerned.  She is sending us to have an ultrasound of his head to make sure he doesn't have hydrocephalus.  She is fairly certain he doesn't as if he did he would likely have some developmental delays, but she wants to be certain.  I'm a little worried, as I am every time one of my children has to go to a specialist.  As I think I've blogged here before, I tend to worry more about Bear.  I'm not sure why, although I think a lot of it is connected to his hospital stay at 1 month old.  The referral may take a while to come through, so I have no idea when we'll know anything at all.

Olivia Place

I rarely plug websites or products.  With that said, I'm now going to plug one.  An old friend of mine runs Olivia Place, a website that offers daily specials on items for babies and kids.  The products on the site are great quality, and the deals can be spectacular.  Check it out.

Readers

I seem to have lost a lot of readers since I renamed my blog.  I'm apparently not tagging posts as well as I was either.  I'm trying to decide if I actually care about that.

Second full week

Tomorrow begins the second full week of school.  I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that.

Job Stuff

The fall job list in my field came out this week.  It is ok.  Thus far, there are about 45 jobs I will apply for, but most are not in my primary field.  After many conversations, Archer and I have decided that I will apply for everything that I'm qualified for this year, even generalist positions.  I can't imagine that if I were to secure a generalist position somewhere that CU would offer me a t-t position, but who knows?  I'm also applying for several post-docs.  This time I'm not holding back.

I've also asked the heads of the departments (all three of) that I teach in at CU to write me letters of recommendation.  In case you're wondering, yes, my asking served two purposes.  I think each of these people will write me a strong letter, but I also wanted them each to know that I'm on the market. 

Archer and I also met with the faculty retention officer (whom I will call VP, as she is a VP of something) of CU this week.  We've actually gotten to know VP outside of work a bit, as her daughter is in Wild Man's JK class and his daycare class and her son used to be in Bear's daycare class.  She is lovely, and I could actually see being her friend.  She was wonderful, and she asked lots of questions about what we want, what we think we could get elsewhere, and if we're happy in CU Land.  Given how Archer is getting some publishing done (2 articles accepted in the last 8 months and a letter of interest on his book project) and how I've managed to get some stuff out (1 article so far, and 1 more that I'm determined to get out by the end of the month) as well as all the teaching I'm doing, she thinks we have a strong case to make for pushing the departments and the dean to secure me something more permanent.  So I have to send her a current CV, and she's going to talk to the department heads.  She will then go to the Vice Provost, whom she expects will talk to the Dean of our faculty.  She was very clear that nothing can be done now, but she seems optimistic that something could be worked out for the 2011-2012 school year.  We'll see what we see.

Update on Pita

Pita was released from the hospital yesterday afternoon, and she was in the hospital for less than 24 hours.  Archer spoke with her yesterday, and she had no idea that Yetta had not informed us of the accident immediately.  In fact, one of the first things she said was, "Why didn't you call sooner?"  Archer explained that Yetta didn't call us to tell us of the accident and that Yetta was not returning his phone calls.  They talked for a while, and Pita is doing well, or as well as can be expected.  She suffered two broken ribs, a broken wrist, and has a huge gouge/cut on her arm, which is apparently the injury causing the most concern.  Yetta is already harping on her about how much the accident will cost--Pita was charged at fault (although the circumstances indicate that it wasn't her fault), and as Pita is on Yetta's car insurance, the accident will likely increase Yetta's insurance.  Yes, Yetta has found a way to make this all about her.

Random Updates

The fall semester started yesterday, so I've been preoccupied by all things teaching.  Here are some updates from my life.

• I have a TA for the first time ever.  I'm not sure how I feel about this.  Obviously I'm excited not to grade papers for this course, but in some ways it also seems like a bit of a hassle to manage someone else's grading.  TA seems competent enough, so I'm hoping it all works out.
• I finally finished the reading list for the course that I have no business teaching.  I added a unit on something that I find really interesting, and now, I'm rather excited about teaching the class.  Let's keep that one a secret, yes?
• Archer and I have a meeting with the VP of Faculty Recruitment and Retention on Thursday.  She is meant to be our advocate at CU, and her primary purpose is to keep faculty here. We're hoping she can give us some tips on securing me a more permanent position.  As a bonus, her daughter is in Wild Man's day care and JK classes, and her son was in Bear's daycare class.  We've gotten to know her a little bit that way, so maybe that will make a difference.  Regardless of our personal connection, she is very nice and seems very concerned about some things we've been told by various administrators.
• The job list in my field comes out on Thursday, so I've been communicating with people re: letters, essays, etc.  None of this is fun, at all.
• My former adviser has taken an administrative position at Southwest College, and now she is impossible to get a hold of.  I've sent her two emails in the last week, and I haven't heard from her.  I may have to resort to messaging her on Facebook.
• Pita, Archer's sister, was in a major car accident yesterday afternoon, and we were the last to find out.  She apparently ran into the back of a car on the interstate, prompting her to lose control of her truck, and was then hit by at least 2 other vehicles.  She flipped her truck several times, and she had to be removed from the car (it was upside down) by firefighters.  We only found out b/c Archer called his mom on her cell phone to ask a quick question.  Yetta was so hysterical that it was impossible to get any info out of her.  Archer's brother called us later in the evening, and I answered the phone.  I said, "So can we get some news from someone who isn't hysterical?"  He said, "Do you want the truth, or do you want what is circulating on the church prayer line?"  I had to crack up.  He then said, "No matter what Mom tells you, Pita wasn't airlifted to the hospital, and all things considering she has fairly minor injuries.  There is no reason for Archer to come home."
• We've since learned that Pita has a broken wrist (which required surgery last night; she was out in under an hour), 2 broken ribs (although it may be just one; R, Archer's brother, says one, while Yetta says 2), and a large cut on her arm (this actually seems to be the most serious as it is so large that the doctor doesn't want to stitch it up; he has put a wet bandage on it to let it heal from the inside out).  The truck is total, and it seems likely that Pita was on her cell phone immediately before the crash.  
• Bottom line: given the severity of the crash, she's lucky to be alive, and that is what we're focusing on in our house.
• Archer is pissed at his mother, however, b/c he has been the last to receive information.  When family friends started posting updates about Pita on Facebook last night--updates that neither he nor R had received--he lost his temper.
• Archer has been invited to give a talk at a big research university in the states by some bigwigs in his field.  He goes mid-week next month, which means, given my teaching schedule, we need someone to help out for a few days.  Our usual babysitter, who is also Bear's day care teacher, goes out on maternity leave next week, so we can't ask her as her baby is due the week before Archer leaves.  My sister can't come because of her work schedule, and it is too much to ask any of our friends, although our dear neighbors would help in a minute.  So I asked my mom if she could come help and visit for a week.  The caveat: I need her to pick Wild Man up at JK one afternoon, which requires that she drive (well, that, or that she hangs out in Archer's office all day long and then walks over to pick up Wild Man.  She would then have to go get Bear at daycare and then walk them both to my office so I could drive us all home after I'm done teaching.).  My mom absolutely refuses to drive in any city except the one she lives in.  She actually may not come because of this.  Seriously.  I'm trying to respect my mom's fears about getting lost, which do seem to be genuine, and to understand how those fears are amped by her bi-polar.  If you can't tell from my tone, I'm having a hard time.  If she doesn't come, I'll have to ask Yetta, who will happily drive, but she won't be able to get the boys dinner, a bath, and to bed when I'm teaching my night class.  My mom will be able to do those things easily, but she won't drive.  There are days when I wonder whose parents are less annoying, mine or Archer's.  And yes, I realize I'm being uncharitable.
• I need to make an appointment with my doctor to discuss long term birth control options.  A third child is increasingly unlikely, but Archer informed me that he isn't ready to have a vasectomy just yet.  I'm tired of being on the pill, so I'm going to talk to my doctor about an IUD.  I've done some research and even considered getting one after Wild Man stopped nursing, but as we knew were likely to have a second child sooner rather than later, I didn't get one.  I'm feeling rather ambivalent about this, mainly because I'm tired of being responsible for birth control, but we'll see what we see.
• That's it for now, although I could probably write for hours. 

First Day

I just got back from walking Wild Man to his first official day of JK.  After today, his daycare teachers will walk him.  I was a little emotional, and I thought I might cry after I dropped him off.  He, however, was not emotional at all.  In fact, when his teacher met him and his classmates at the door he didn't even look back at me as he followed her inside. 

I'm happy that this is turning out to be an easy transition for him.  I predict he will have a lot of fun and will learn a lot.  But I must also say that such transitions are not easy for me.  I have found this week to be very emotional for me.  It doesn't come as much of a surprise to me.  I tend to be emotional about changes, although I do think I adapt fairly well and quickly.  Part of me thinks it is because my own parents were not sentimental about anything.  I've responded in the opposite way.  In fact, I have been preparing for today since the beginning of July, starting with buying Wild Man a back pack and a lunchbox, as well as everything else he might need.  This past weekend he and I made a special trip to the grocery store to pick out snacks that he would like to pack for school.  My own parents were not very involved, so it is important to me to be as involved as possible.  I want to know what is going on in his life and I want him to know that his life is important to me.  I don't ever want him or Bear to feel like their lives are inconvenient or unimportant to me. 

That's my boy!

When Archer and I took Wild Man to tour his JK classroom and meet his teacher earlier this afternoon, we discovered that his teacher had misread his enrollment paperwork and had labeled his cubby, his coat hook, and his name badge with his first name although Wild Man goes by his middle name.  When he discovered this, Wild Man calmly walked over to his teacher, showed her his name badge, and said, "Mrs. Teacher, this should read W-I-L-D M-A-N.  That is my middle name, but it is what I like."  And then he continued to tell her this every time he saw his first name in other locations throughout the room. 

Wild Man and Junior Kindergarten

Tomorrow is Wild Man's first official day of Junior Kindergarten or JK, as it is most frequently called in the province where we live.  We just returned from meeting his teacher and exploring his classroom.  He was a bit overwhelmed, but he handled it really well.  I, however, was on the verge of tears the entire visit.  How is it possible that he starts JK tomorrow?  At moments like this, I wish we lived in the States, where he'd have at least another year before we had to start worrying about any sort of school.  That said, I do think he is ready for more intellectual stimulation than he gets at his daycare.  I know he will thrive, but tomorrow I will be a nervous wreck.

Home

Tomorrow we leave the land of vacation, where Archer is ostensibly photographing various locations for both his work and his teaching.  We will return to reality.  Wild Man starts school in a week, and Archer and I both start the fall semester.  I think I'd rather stay on vacation.

*This entry was written last Thursday, but I wasn't able to publish it until today.

Beach Boys

Revising

So, I will be able to send the article I've been working on out today or tomorrow at the latest.  I'm not sure if it is any good, though.  I'm too close to it.  Archer and another good friend have read it for me, and they both have said it makes a strong argument and is well written.  I trust them, but part of me is thinking: really?  You two think this is smart?  What is wrong with you?

Job Ads

Thanks to Academama's notification, I've been checking out some very early job ads.  And I just found one I'd kill for.  Ok, maybe I wouldn't kill for it, but I would certainly be very, very happy to have the job.  I'm not a perfect fit, but I think if I write a strong letter I could at least qualify for an interview.  Plus, it's in a prime location for my research.  Ok, now I'm officially interested in the job, which means I'll be disappointed if I don't get an interview.  I hate the job lists.

Kitchen Pictures

Here are some pictures of our finally completed kitchen.  Archer painted it a lovely butter yellow color, which makes me very, very happy.  In fact, the color changed the entire feel of the main floor of our home, making it much brighter and homier. 

A meltdown and another confession

After my last post, I had a major meltdown.  I was working in Archer's office that day as I needed to be on campus for various meetings, and I literally sobbed.  Archer was working as well, and he sat next to me and rubbed my back.  He was great.  He didn't try to get me to calm down, which is rare for him.  He just let me cry, which I needed to do.  Once I stopped crying I told him that I am not happy at CU.  This is a hard thing for me to say to him or even to write here, within the relative safety of my blog.  It's hard for lots of reasons, but mainly because I know how happy he is professionally and because I know how tough the academic job market is right now.  Even though my position isn't tenure-track, I do have a one-year contract with each department I work for, so I have more job security than many people adjuncting.  Admitting I'm unhappy makes me feel a little ungrateful.  But I digress.

Archer asked if I could explain why I'm unhappy.  Here are a few reasons:

• I'm exhausted by inventing and teaching new courses every term, especially courses I'm not really qualified to teach.  For example, this term let's say I'm teaching a course in Jerk Studies.  See, I'm not professional in Jerk Studies.  Yes, I can teach Intro to Jerk Studies without a problem, and I can (and do) teach Professional Jerk Studies with a bit of prep.  I'm teaching this course though b/c someone in the writing department asked Dr. Nice Guy, the former chair of Archer's department, if I could teach this, given my interdisciplinary interest in books and the design of jerky spaces.  I said, "Um, well, no, not really.  But I could if I had to."  For me, "had to" meant "Sure, I can teach it if I must to ensure some sort of job security, but teaching it won't happen without a lot of stress on my part."  Dr. Nice Guy talked to Dr. Red (so named because of her lovely red hair), who asked me to write a course description.  I did, and voila.  Now I'm teaching this course.  I don't want to teach it.  At all.  It has been made very clear to me, however, that this is the course that could get me noticed by the powers that be.  Great!  I'll get noticed for doing something I am not qualified to do.  How wonderful for me!
• I am tired of feeling like I don't belong.  I'm tired of being on the fringes of 3 departments.  
• I am tired of feeling like I'm flying by the seat of my pants in the classroom.  I recognize that I am apparently good at teaching not totally prepared.  I am good at engaging students and getting them to participate, but I'm tired of working all day long to prep and then feeling like I still have no idea what I'm talking about.

After I explained all of these things to Archer, I told him that after this year, if we don't have any other job options and we are still at CU, I want to make some changes.  I will continue to teach in all 3 departments, so long as they will offer me positions.  I will not, however, design or accept any more courses that I am not interested in or that I am not qualified to teach.  It is just too stressful.  If that means that I only teach two courses a term, that's fine.  I would much rather take Bear out of full-time childcare and keep him home with me 2 or 3 days a week than go through the stress of teaching something I don't want and not qualified to teach.  If I only teach 2 courses a term and only put Bear in school 2 or 3 days a week, that does mean I will lose all of the time I currently have to get my own research and writing done.  But it will also mean that I'm a happier person, which, quite frankly, is more important to me. 

Here's the thing: I love teaching.  I love it.  I love everything about it.  When I'm in the classroom talking with students about something that excites me, I'm happy with my job.  When I'm writing, as much as I struggle to do it, I'm happy.  When I'm at a conference either giving or hearing a paper, I'm happy.  I love what I do.  I don't love what I do when I feel like I'm teaching something I shouldn't be.  Right now, I feel like a fraud.  I should not be teaching this class.  I will only be able to pull it off because the students don't know any better and, clearly, neither does the administration. 

I realize on some level that I'm being a whiny little brat.  I do know I'm lucky to have a job, but how lucky am I if I'm not completely happy with the job I have?

This sucks

I just realized I'm scheduled to teach from 6 to 9 the night of Wild Man's fourth birthday.  This sucks.  I'm not sure if I can find a sub as it is a really specific class, but I'm damn sure going to try. 

My life in review

As the fall rapidly approaches, I've been thinking a lot about the past year.  Here is my life in review.

• August 2009: I graduated with my doctorate in English, specializing in American literature, specifically African American lit and women writers.
• September 2009: I prepared to return to work when Bear was approximately 11 weeks old.  Archer took the semester off and became a stay-at-home dad temporarily.
• October 2009: I sent off my first official job letters.  Given the dismal job market and the fact that I applied somewhat selectively (I'll be blogging more about this soon, I think), I had an okay run.  I did not get any requests for interviews, but I did get several requests for my complete dossier, including one from Yale (too bad I can't put that on my CV, right?).
• November 2009: Archer traveled to Spain for 2 weeks to do research, and my mom and brother came to CU Land to help me care for the boys.  I finally learned how hard my mom has worked to overcome the affects of being bipolar and started to deal with my anger regarding her diagnosis and how she and the rest of the family have handled (or perhaps haven't) her illness.  I attempted to start working on revising parts of my dissertation for publication, but was too overwhelmed by teaching and caring for the boys to get much done.
• December 2009: Bear's first Christmas!  It was a truly wonderful time for our family.  I was finally able to stop worrying about the job market and focus on the good things in our lives.
• January 2010: I faced the reality that I would not have any interviews and began considering the spring list.  Because of Archer's position at CU Land, we decided it wasn't beneficial for me to spend a lot of time applying to generalist positions, which tend to make up the spring list.  I sent out a few applications for post-docs, but for the most part, my job search was done.  We began to research our options for sending Wild Man to Junior Kindergarten, and we quickly realized we bought our house in the wrong neighborhood.  Damn real estate agents who don't listen!
• February 2010: This will be known as the month of "The Confrontation with Yetta."  We traveled to Home State to visit family for a week, and the visit ended in a horrific confrontation with Yetta, one, if I'm being 100% honest about, I haven't completely forgiven her for.  But then, as my grandmother would say, it is hard to forgive when no one has asked for forgiveness.  I began to understand that she is not angry at me or at Archer, but at the circumstances that keep us so far from her.  I am, however, the most convenient target for that anger.  I also began to accept that I will always be a bit of an outcast to Yetta and Pita.
• March 2010: Work, work, work.
• April 2010: The winter term ended and I finally had some time to devote to my own work.  I started to feel energized about my work again.
• May 2010: Summer teaching.  That says it all.
• June 2010: Bear turned 1, and we began to discuss the possibility of a third child (I will also be blogging more about this).  I also finished teaching for the summer.
• July 2010: I finally turned to my own research full steam for the first time since graduating.  I am currently still revising the article I'm working on, but I will send it out before school starts.  We visited family, and our nephew stayed with us for a month.  I learned the extent to which my sister's bipolar diagnosis has affected her children, and I also learned that no one had ever really talked to Brown-Eyes about it.  I lost a lot of research time as I devoted a lot of time to BE.  In some ways I feel like he became my third child during his long stay with us (almost a month, and it would have been longer if he had gotten his way).  He asked if he could come see us again, and Archer and I made it very clear that he is welcome in our home whenever and for however he'd like.  I miss him.
• August 2010: Lots of blogging drama and relationship drama early this month, which is mostly resolved.  I'm continuing to work, and we visited our dear friends for our god-daughter's 2nd birthday.  We've been preparing Wild Man to start JK next month, and Bear started walking.  Life is stressful, chaotic, hectic, and eventful, but life is good.

A little music to start off the day

More changes

Because I needed to waste some time, I've just updated the look of my blog.  Check it out. 

Wild Man

Wild Man starts Junior Kindergarten in 3 1/2 weeks.  He's excited, and I'm petrified.  When did he get so grown up?

Family and Academia

This weekend Archer was asked the following questions by a very famous scholar in his field: "Is your wife seeking a tenure track appointment at CU?  And you have two children?  How do you get anything done?"  Archer took these questions* very differently that I did--admittedly I wasn't present when the questions were asked.  When he relayed them to me, however, I became really annoyed.  To me, the implication behind these questions is that there can't be more than one working academic in a family, especially not if that family has more than one child.  And as an academic couple with two children, we're constantly faced with comments like this one.  On some level, I want to respond with something like this:

"We don't do it all.  In fact, we struggle every single day to get the bare minimum accomplished.  I finished my dissertation a year ago, and while I've been working on an article, I still haven't submitted anything for publication. Why?  Well, let's see.  I have 2 children, and I've taught 7 classes since Bear was born.  I submitted well over 50 job letters last year, and while I received some requests for more information, I didn't get any interviews, in part because the market is so bad but also because I have no publications.  I do, however, have an excellent teaching record and a great conference history.  As for Archer, he has, in fact, been awarded 3 grants: 2 to develop courses and 1 to start a new research project.  He has also written a book proposal (for which he's received a letter of interest from a reputable publisher), and he's also gotten an article published and another out for review.  How has he managed that you ask?  Well, he has the tenure-track position, which means he teaches 2 courses a term, one of which he gets a grader for.  He also has access to research money.  Yes, indeed, CU is very hospitable to academics with families, if you have a tenure track position.  If you don't, well, then you end up teaching a 4-4 load and have virtually no time to get your own work done, especially if you do have a family and if you actually want to spend time with your family.  The fact of the matter is academia is not hospitable to having a career and a family.  Is it possible?  Yes, but not without a lot of stress and effort.  So please stop asking stupid questions like, 'How do you do it?'"

Clearly that turned out to be much more of a rant than I had intended.  Being an academic and having a family is hard, plain and simple.  I don't like these questions because such questions make me face my own fear that this isn't possible, that life would be easier if I didn't have academic ambitions.  Then I could just teach during the week and hang out with my family the rest of the time.  Archer and I wouldn't have to worry about splitting work time evenly because I would be able to treat my job like a "normal 9 to 5 job."  The fact of the matter is that I struggle every single day.  Every evening I wonder if I spent enough time on my writing, my teaching, my children.  And the answer is usually, no, I didn't give enough time to anyone task.  And I'm not suggesting that the life of an academic is more difficult from that of any other parent--be the parent someone who stays home with the children or works outside the home.  I am suggesting that being a parent is hard, and in my case, being an academic and a parent is really hard.  I don't know how I do it all.  Most days I don't think I do any of it very well, so please, please, keep your questions to yourself.

*Archer interpreted the person to actually be saying something like this: "Wow, you and your wife both finished your dissertations after you had your eldest son!  And now you both teach at CU, and you have another child.  My goodness!  How do you do it?  I don't have any children, and I struggle to get my own work done."  Notice the fundamental difference in our interpretations.  Mine is, Archer said, cynical; his is, I said, overly optimistic.

It's official . . .

It's official!  I have updated my URL.  I have to admit the change feels good. 

New URL

I will be updating my URL in the next few days to reflect my recent name change.  If you'd like my URL please comment, and I will send it to you.

Vacation

We have returned from a lovely vacation in which we visited our dear friends.  Unfortunately we returned to a bit of a mess as our water heater died while we were away.  I'm very thankful for good neighbors and fast repair men.  The  water heater has already been replaced at no cost to us due to the extended warranty.  Now I try to clean the house and get back into the writing/prepping groove.

Update on Bear

We had Bear's check up today, and we discussed the bifid uvula that the clinic doctor discovered a few weeks ago when I took Bear in for a fever.

Our doctor gave Bear a thorough exam, and she agreed with the other doctor's assessment.  Bear does have a bifid uvula (which means that his uvula has a small cleft in it).  She, however, was much less concerned about a submucous cleft palate than the other doctor.  She said he would have had issues sucking and nursing if he had a submucous cleft palate, and she also said that he is speaking fairly clearly for a 13-month-old and that he shows no signs of hearing problems.  In fact, he responded to his name several times during the course of the exam.  She is going to refer us to an Ear, Nose, and Throat specialist, but she said it would likely take a month or more before we had the appointment, maybe longer.  She urged us not to worry as Bear is in great health otherwise.

In more news, Bear took his first official steps last night!  He was cruising between the armoir and bed in our room, and he suddenly let go and took about 6 steps right to Archer.  He has staunchly refused to do it again though!  So at 13-months-old, Bear is walking!

Article

The article I've been working on is really starting to take shape.  I have what I think is a solid draft finished.  I will take some time this evening to finish typing some last few sections, and then I will read through it tomorrow before sending it to a friend who offered to read it for me.  Then off it will go to the journal I've decided to send it to.  I'm really hoping this get published, but part of me is thinking: why would anyone want to read this?!?

More on Blogging and Life

There were so many great comments on my last post that I decided to write a new post rather than just respond to the comments.

Here are some thoughts.  And I'm going to stop referring to Archer (see previous post) in the third person.  It's annoying to write, and I imagine it is annoying to read.

• Archer didn't tell me to take down the "deleted post."  When I realized how upset he was, I offered.  He thought about it for a while, and then asked me to take it down.  When he saw my reaction, which as I indicated before, I was totally unprepared for, he immediately changed his mind.  He stood over my shoulder as I took it down and asked me to leave it up.  It was important to me that I keep my word though, so I took it down.
• Since I've deleted the post, I can't go back and reread it to tell if it was about my own failings, as Anastasia suggested.  I do know I wrote that I was uncomfortable with my feelings and that I do feel like some of the feelings stem from my own insecurities.  
• After leaving the situation alone for a while, Archer and I talked again at length.  I now understand that he wasn't mad at my post.  He was upset that I wrote before he and I had really discussed it.  While that makes sense to me, I still don't feel like I did anything wrong.  I explained to him (again) that I often blog in an attempt to process thoughts and feelings before I talk those feelings out.  In lots of cases, it helps me to blog as I don't totally lose my cool about something that isn't worth losing my cool over (see every post I've ever written about Yetta, Pita, and my sister).  In this particular case, I didn't want to be jealous, so I wrote about why I was jealous before we talked about it.
• It also seems that the some of the comments were what made him the most angry.  I pointed out that I have no control over what people comment, and that comments are a part of the blogging process.  
• Archer has apologized.  In fact, he's done a lot of apologizing over the past few days as we both process the entire situation more.  He now realizes that he didn't handle the situation with his grad student very well.  He explained his thinking behind the process, and while I'm still bothered by it all, I see his logic (I won't share his logic though; that's his story to tell, not mine.).  I also don't believe he had any intention of making me jealous.  But I also don't think that he was thinking of me or of us when he was spending so much time with the GS, which he admitted.  He has also admitted that he's not great at balancing work and home and that he becomes consumed by work really easily.  He has instituted some house rules to make sure things like this never happen again.  
• I've explained my changed feelings about blogging to him.  When I told him I was contemplating no longer blogging, Archer went silent.  He told me that he realizes how important this is to me.  He said he was very sorry that his actions changed my view of blogging.  He has urged me to continue blogging.  In fact, every time I've been at the computer to check email or steal a few moments of work in the past few days he has said to the boys, "Let's leave Mommy alone.  She needs some time to herself."  Ordinarily I would assume he was just trying to help me find a moment or two to finish a thought, but I think he was trying to tell me that he knows my blogging has value for me.  That means a lot to me.

So where does this leave me and my blog?  I will keep blogging for now.  Archer rarely reads my blog (he was prompted to on this fateful day by a passing comment a friend made in an email she sent to both of us, a comment that had absolutely nothing to do with the post in question).  I am reassured that Archer now has some understanding of how important blogging is to me, but I don't think I'll be comfortable talking to him about my blog or my bloggy friends for awhile.  

I also now realize that adjusting to life in CU Land has been much more difficult on on both Archer and me than I realized.  While we've made some friends, we don't have the network we had in the States.  I've come to rely on my blog as a way to maintain connections with people, even though some of the people I stay connected to I don't know in real life.  I also value the community I've become a part of through blogging.  I'm not willing to give that up, especially not when there is still so much uncertainty in our lives because of the job market and academia in general.  I don't know if we're going to be in CU Land next August, but I do know I can open up my laptop, write a post about anything, and start a conversation with people whose opinions I respect and value.  It also enables me to have conversations with dear friends that I don't get to see as often as I'd like.  Frankly, this blog and the friendships I've made through it brings me a lot of comfort.  It helps me feel a little less alone.  It also gives me a space to talk about things, like not always liking CU Land or being lonely, that I don't necessarily want to talk about with Archer because I don't want his feelings about CU Land to be completely influenced by my feelings.

As everyone who commented on the previous post stated, this is a blog for me and one that is mostly about me.  That is why I've renamed the blog.  This is a name that feels more appropriate to the kind of blogging I do now.

Thanks for all the support.  I'm not going anywhere anytime soon.

A new pseudonym

As a result of last week's events, I have determined that I cannot give up blogging.  I have also determined that I don't want to start a new blog.  I don't know how long this particular blog will work for me, but it works for me now.  I'm keeping it.  I am, however, going to make some minor changes in an attempt to give myself and my family greater anonymity.  To that end, I'm changing my husband's pseudonym.  He will now be known as Archer.  This is a pseudonym that means nothing to anyone but me.  It doesn't even really apply to Archer, but I like it. 

Blogging

I've been blogging now for almost 4 years.  I started this blog, which I renamed today, when I was about 6 or 7 months pregnant with Wild Man, who is now 3 years and 9 months old.  My life has changed a lot.  I started this blog as a way to explore and chronicle some of the changes I was facing at that particular moment in my life.  Along the way, I've used the blog as a journal, albeit a public one.  This blog has enabled me to explore, to vent, and to record my thoughts and feelings, among other things.  Along the way, I've made some friends and been able to keep in touch with others.  Some months I post a lot, and others I rarely post at all.  I must admit I've never really thought about what this blog meant to me until this week.

Last week I wrote a post that upset someone I love very much, and in an attempt to make that person feel better, I offered to take the post down.  When this person took me up on that offer, I had no idea that I would have such a visceral reaction, but I did.  I sobbed as I took down the post.  I felt like I was ripping a page out of my journal, a journal that I actually reread with some frequency to try to learn about myself.  It seems in the course of the past 4 years blogging has become central to my identity in a way that I couldn't have anticipated and in a way that I'm not entirely sure I'm comfortable with.

On some level, it does seem odd to me that I now feel like I need to blog.  I often put really private thoughts out into the world, and while I'm not usually seeking out feedback, I do find some comfort in knowing that someone, somewhere, even if that someone is a person I've never met and never will meet, reads and takes the time to comment on my thoughts.  I have long accepted the reality that blogging means I have to deal with comments I don't agree with or with people not fully understanding something I've written.  I've even pissed off perfect strangers a time or two, and I've also had dear friends misinterpret things I've said or take things I've said out of the context in which I intended them.  I have learned to live with that.  And while I do blog about the people in my life, I feel like this blog is primarily about me and my journey through life.  Blogging helps me stay self-aware.  It helps me process my thoughts and feelings (and now that I've used "my" and "me" so much I'm feeling more than a bit narcissistic).  I never thought that something I had written or the way that people had responded to something I had written would upset someone I love.  But it did.  As a result, my feelings about blogging have changed.

Blogging no longer feels as free as it did.  I've always self-censored in my feeble attempt to remain anonymous, but since most of my family members either don't access the internet or don't know what a blog is, I've never really worried about their reactions to anything I've written.  Now that I have inadvertently hurt someone, I'm unsure of how to proceed.  Do I keep writing and naively hope that I don't hurt this person again?  Do I change the nature of what I write, thus defeating one of the primary purposes of the blog?  Do stop blogging altogether?  Do I close this blog down and start a new one, in which I'm completely anonymous?  Do I tell this person that I'm sorry, but that I'm going to keep blogging because it is, after all, something that I do that I truly intend to be just for me (on some level, I'm really inclined to do this, but then, I also feel like this response is inherently disrespectful and dismissive of this individual's feelings)?  Or do I simply do my best to keep this person out of my blog altogether, something that is very difficult given the nature of our relationship?

In all honesty, I'm at a loss. I'm currently contemplating ways to continue blogging and to maintain this blog while achieving a greater sense of anonymity.  I'm honestly not sure that is possible or if that is even something that I want to do.  Ultimately I think I'll make some minor changes, including not discussing this blog at all outside the blogging world.  I hope that is enough to ease my anxiety and to make this person feel better about the fact that I now know I need to blog.

Bear and vomit

Bear has just gotten over his second stomach bug in as many weeks.  I'm tired of smelling like vomit.  I just thought I'd share that.

Anonymity

In the next few days, I will be making some changes in an attempt to achieve more anonymity.  Please bear with me while I made these changes.

Writing

So trying to turn a dissertation chapter into an article is hard, much harder than I anticipated. I've spent the day trying to cut down the theoretical framework I outlined in the introduction of my dissertation into about 2 pages so that the discussion of space in my essay makes sense. I think it works, but I'm not 100% sure. Now I'm trying to edit and rework the chapter itself so that it works as a stand alone piece. The journal I've decided to submit to (it is a mid-level journal, so I think I stand a decent shot) accepts articles of 5,000 to 10,000 words; the chapter, in its original form, is 24,180 words. I know what needs to be cut out to make it work, but even with taking all of that out, I'm not sure I'll have cut out enough. But, as I keep reminding myself, at least I'm working. That makes me feel good.

Random Thoughts

• I'm thinking so many things, some personal, some professional. I'm having a hard time processing everything. I want to write, but I seem to keep getting caught in other semi-mindless tasks that have to be accomplished, but that aren't nearly as rewarding as writing.
• My nephew, whom I'll call Brown Eyes (BE) went home this weekend. He wasn't happy about it, but my sister wanted him home. It's nice to be our family of 4 again, but I also feel guilty for feeling that way. BE isn't getting enough attention at home, and while he was starting to drive me a bit crazy, I know his neediness was symptomatic of not getting enough attention. It was hard to parent a 13 month old, a 3 1/2 year old, and a 13 year old. I'm not sure I always did the best job of it as doing so often required a complete change of attitude every 45 seconds. BE's needs are very different than Wild Man's or Bear's, and although he is 13, his needs were not necessarily any less immediate. I'm very angry with my sister because I feel like BE has gotten lost in the shuffle of her life the last few years. I realize that I can't begin to understand what she's gone through (divorce, remarriage, two cross country moves due to jobs (well, I can relate to that), bi-polar diagnosis, and job loss) in the past 5 years, but I don't think that BE has been her main priority. When she didn't return phone calls for a week (3 from me, 2 from BE), I was pissed. When she finally got back to me, I let her know that regardless of her state of mind (she was having problems regulating medication) not calling the person back who is caring for her child is unacceptable. If she wasn't in a position to talk to me or to BE, she could have asked her husband to call us, and I pointed that out as kindly as I could. I'm worried about BE. My niece has survived all of this because she is more outgoing and makes her needs known. BE is quiet and fades into the background of the chaos at home. I told my sister and her husband that they need to be more aware of him and get more involved in his life. Sis actually seemed to pay attention, but who knows what will happen?
• I need a social life, seriously. One of our dear friend's son's from Southwest College Town celebrated his fourth birthday this weekend, and she posted pics of the festivities on Facebook. I literally cried seeing all of our friends together. I miss those weekends. I know it isn't the same as several of the friends have moved away, but given my location in CU Land it is very easy for me to idealize those moments. I've made 2 friends here, and I'm working hard to cultivate those relationships. It isn't easy though to find people to hang out with, especially when all the other complications of life are added in. What was so great about life in Southwest College Town was that we all became friends before we had children, and then we had children at approximately the same time.
  
• I'm continuing to write, and although I'm behind schedule, I'm hoping to have the article out by the end of next week, if not sooner.
• I'm trying to be optimistic about the job market this year. I'm trying to get organized a head of time, and I'm already revising my letters. I don't have high hopes, but I'd like to have some interviews.
• Wild Man has become a sassy preschooler, and I'm finding I don't have a lot of patience for backtalk. I feel like we end up sticking him in time out a lot, and I'm not sure that is a particularly effective form of discipline. I bought some stickers this weekend, and I want to make some sort of reward chart. I think that using positive reinforcement will be more beneficial that negative reinforcement.
• I've had too much coffee this morning.
• Bear is still not walking, but he is getting more confident about cruising around the house. He also says mama, dada, baba (brother), more, nana (banana), up, choo choo (he loves trains and cars), duck, and something that sounds like Wild Man's name. He is so different than Wild Man. We went to the park last night after dinner, and at this age, Wild Man was flinging himself down the slide head first. Bear will only go down the slide in my lap, and he refuses to let go of my or C's hand when he's on the climber. He is downright cautious in comparison to Wild Man.
• We leave for vacation to see some of our best friends (including our lovely goddaughter) in about 10 days, and I can't wait.
  

Blogging the lost

I've seen some bloggy friends do this, so I figured I'd give it a shot.

I've misplaced the gift certificate that C and the boys got me for my birthday--a lovely certificate for a manicure and a pedicure at my favorite salon. I distinctly remember it being on the bar in the kitchen. Then in a cleaning fit in preparation for C finishing the kitchen renovations, I moved it. And I have no idea where. It was with my birthday cards, and as I rarely throw cards away, I seriously doubt it was thrown away. Where it is, though, I don't know. Here's hoping that blogging about it prompts it to show up so I can go for my lovely mani and pedi. . .

Bear

Bear has been sick. Friday, around 10:00, shortly after I'd walked over to our neighbor's house to have a glass of wine, C called me to say that Bear had woken up vomiting. I trekked home to help C take care of the mess. Bear vomited 4 more times in the night, and C and I took turns sleeping and caring for Bear. By the morning he was better, and he was in a good enough mood that we went ahead with our plans to go blueberry picking. By that afternoon, however, he had a fever, which eventually hit 103 at some point in the night. He was an unhappy little guy, and as he was constantly pulling at his ears, we decided he needed to see a doctor.

On Sunday morning I took him over to the children's clinic, and we were seen pretty quickly. The doctor, whom we hadn't seen before and Bear loved, said he was in great health and that he most likely had some sort of virus that needed to run its course. He then asked me who our regular doctor was, and I told him. He then asked if she had ever mentioned that Bear had a bifid uvula. I said, no, and asked him what that was. He explained that a bifid uvula is a uvula that has a cleft in it. He then said a bifid uvula can be an indicator of a submucous cleft palate. He didn't really explain what that was, but he recommended we get an appointment with our doctor and get her opinion. He urged me to ask her to recommend us to a pediatric ENT for assessment. He reassured me that a bifid uvula isn't always an indicator of a submucous cleft palate, but that it can be. When I asked what problems it could cause, he was fairly casual and responded that it could lead to hearing and/or speech problems. So I left the appointment not too worried. I talked it over with C, and since we already have an appointment with our doctor for Bear in early August I didn't worry about it. Then, Sunday night, as I was awake with a restless Bear, I looked it up on google. Here is what I learned.

In a nutshell, a submucous cleft is a muscular deficiency in the soft palate that can lead to moderate to severe speech problems, most notably hypernasality. If this is the case, the only correction is surgery. If it is a more minor form, treatment is aggressive speech therapy and/or some sort of retainer to help correct and strengthen the mouth muscles. In the grand scheme of cleft palate issues, a submucous cleft palate is fairly minor, and from what I've read fairly easy to correct. I am, however, stressed out about this. This isn't the kind of thing I would normally get stressed out about. Normally if a doctor mentions a potential problem with one of my kids, I take the "Let's see approach." This isn't to say that I don't worry, but I am generally able to keep the worry to a minimum until we have all the information. I believe this saves me a lot of unnecessary stress, and yes, it is a conscious decision on my part. But this time, I'm worried. I don't know if it is the combination of lack of sleep (Bear is also cutting every tooth imaginable and I'm getting over the stomach bug, which I caught from him), PMS (of all weeks, my period, which I haven't had since giving birth to Bear, decided to return this week), and general stress (work stuff), but I'm really worried. I'm especially freaked out that he might have to have surgery. Normally, I'd just try to move our appointment with our doctor up, but our doctor is on vacation until the first of August, so I can't move it up. And I'm not fond of any of the other doctors in the practice. In the meantime, I'm analyzing every sound Bear makes to see if he has either a hearing or a speech problem, which is really unproductive as I'm not trained to do that. I'll also remind myself that we don't know if he has a submucous cleft palate and that if he does it is fairly easy to take care of in the grand scheme of things. Oh, and I'll try not to worry about it until the doctor's appointment in 2 weeks.

Still. . .

trying to write. I'm having some success.

Today . . .

I will write something.

Wild Man decides on a profession

As I wrote recently, Wild Man has been very interested in C's dad. I think his interest stems, at least in part, from the time he recently spent with my dad and my grandfather, for whom Wild Man is named.

Last night in the bathtub, he asked about his Grandpa and his Great-Grandpa. As we talked about them, he then asked about C's dad. I explained that he would have called him "Papa," not "Grandpa." He then said, "But, Mommy, he died, right?" I said, "Yes, he got very sick, and he died." Wild Man pondered this for a minute. Here is the conversation that followed.

WM: When I get sick you take me to the doctor. Did Daddy's father go to the doctor?

M: Yes, he went to the doctor. Sometimes doctors can't make us better when we're very sick. Daddy's father was very, very sick.

WM: I will be a doctor when I get big. That way I can make sure nobody ever dies like Daddy's father did.

M: I think that would be wonderful.

When he told C this as C was putting him to bed, C had to choke back tears. He came into the room where I was nursing Bear to sleep and said, "M, I know we're doing something right because Wild Man has a heart bigger than mine or yours." Truer words were never spoken in my house.

A complaint

I really hate it when people either don't answer their phones or don't return phone calls in a timely manner. Seriously. I hate it even more when said person is my sister. Oh, and did I mention that her son has been visiting us for the past two weeks? It seems like returning a phone call to the person caring for your child might be high on your list of things to do.

Another Job Update

Yesterday I spent the bulk of the day working out my teaching schedule. It seems I was teaching too much. At CU, which is unionized, there are limitations to how many courses a "part-time" person can teach. In theory these rules are meant to protect part-time employees from being taken advantage of; in reality, it seems to cause part-time people stress as these people often need to teach more courses in order to make a living.

With the courses I taught this summer and the courses I was asked to teach over the regular academic year, I was teaching 2 more courses than I was permitted. Of course, the system here is really confusing, so I didn't realize this until someone pointed it out to me. I then spoke with one of the department heads, and she offered to write the dean to ask permission for me to receive an overload. She did this, in part, because I'm teaching a special topics course for her department, and she didn't want me to turn that course down. Dr. Writing and I spoke through email, and I then emailed the head of the English department, Dr. Interested (I'm calling him this because he's shown a lot of interest in my work). I asked him for his advice as he is the only department head who has an understanding of my research and who has read and commented on my CV for me. I told him that if I was going to turn down any courses I would turn down one in his department as it is a course that I haven't taught before and uses a standard syllabus that includes 4 books I've never even read before (this is the online course; and it focuses on British lit. Oh, and right, I'm an Americanist.). He was really, really helpful. He told me point blank that he knew of other people who could teach the course, so I shouldn't feel bad about turning the course down. He then went on to say that my CV is really strong in terms of my teaching, and that if a position were to become available in my area (which is a distinct possibility in the next year or so), he can make a strong case for me given my teaching experience. What I am lacking is research. He urged me to do what was best for me so that I could focus on my research, something Dr. Writing said in a much less direct way. So after a long talk with C and a bit of tears (I really, really didn't want to turn down an English course), I finally decided to turn down that course. So now instead of teaching a 4-4 load, I will be teaching 3-3. I will have only 1 new prep in the fall, and the winter will all be repeats. Theoretically this will give me some time to work on job materials and to research. I'm still feeling a bit conflicted about all of this, but I think it was the right decision.

I am still teaching 1 more course than I should, but Dr. Writing has spoken with the dean and seems to think that I will be approved for an overload. She needs me to teach these courses, so I'm hopeful I will get approval. I'm also hopeful that the dean will take notice of how much I'm teaching and begin to wonder if it isn't more effective to have me on staff in a more permanent way. But I'm also doubtful that will happen any time soon.

Struggling

I am struggling a bit lately. I'm no longer certain who I am professionally. I'm no longer 100% certain what I want out of my professional life. There I said it. So what does that mean? I'm going to break this down into two categories.

What I know

• I know I am a good teacher. My last set of student evaluations were high, really high. For the 2009-2010 academic year at CU Land (a year in which I taught 4 courses in 3 departments), my average score was 6.4 out of 7, which is a full point higher than the university average.
• I love teaching. I seem to have found my groove teaching. I'm having a great time designing courses and preparing lectures. I even seem to have found a way to make professional writing enjoyable for my students.
• I am also enjoying advising students, and my students seem to be responding to me really well. I have several come to me for advice throughout the year, and I've even had a few request to work with me on the Master's Projects now that they are in the grad programs at CU. Unfortunately, because I'm only considered part-time, I can't work with graduate students.
• I am happy with my teaching, but I'm considerably less happy with the uncertainty of my position. I've had several conversations with the head of the Writing Department and the head of the English Department. Both seem interested in having me on their faculties in a more permanent way. For a variety of reasons, it isn't going to work out in Women's Studies. I'm not great at advocating for myself. I'm not great at selling myself or at "schmoozing," even though I know I need to do this in order to get what I want.
• I've figured out how to balance my teaching with my family, and I'm happy with this, very happy. I'm at a point where (Summer teaching aside) I rarely have to do work at home. I am able to focus on my boys, and I love that.
• As much as I love teaching, I'm growing increasingly frustrated by my limited time to do any of my own work. I've written nothing, literally, since I graduated last August. I have stacks of books checked out, and I've written some notes on how I want to revise two of my chapters. I even have contacted an editor at a reputable press, but I haven't had time to write.
• C is doing really well. He seems to have gotten a really great handle on how to do research. He's been awarded 3 grants since he has been at CU; he's given two invited lectures and has been asked to give another at an Ivy League school; and he's submitted two articles for publication (1 has been accepted, and he's waiting to hear about the second). Oh, and he's submitted a book prospectus and received a letter of interest from the publisher. He is currently working on the first chapter and has a clear plan to have a draft of the book done in 18 months.
• We're happy in CU Land. We're still struggling a bit with making friends, but things are getting better.
  
• That's what I know.

What I don't know

• I'm not certain I want a tenure track job at an R1, which is what CU is. C and I have a handle on me being the "teacher," and him being the "researcher." When he needs time on the weekends to work, we have found a way to balance that. I'm not sure we can handle two "researchers" and still manage our family as well as we do.
• I'm not sure I want to be a "researcher." I don't feel very successful at it right now. As I wrote above, I have a lot of confidence in my teaching. When I present at conferences, I get a lot of positive feedback, but I haven't had time to revise anything and submit for publication. I also feel like I live in a bit of black hole right now. I have no one to talk to about my work. It has been really hard to meet people in the English department, and the people I've met in the Writing department aren't in my field. I miss being part of an intellectual community, and I'm not great at introducing myself to people (see "schmoozing" point above).
• I don't know if I want to deal with all the BS that accompanies a tenure track appointment. I see a lot of the stuff that C has to deal with, and while I want more job security, I don't have to deal with committees or departmental politics at all. Well, okay, not at all, but only in a very limited way. I fully realize that I also don't get a lot of the benefits that accompany a tenure track appointment.
• I don't know if I'm done having children. There I also finally admitted that. My feelings on this are so conflicted and are also very tied up in my identity as a female academic and a feminist. On so many ways I would love to have a third child, but I don't know if we can balance a third child with an academic lifestyle. I feel like a third child is absolutely out of the question if I get a tenure track job, especially at CU Land. I feel like I have to choose my career over my family, at least with this decision. I also feel like I won't be taken seriously as an academic if I have 3 children. In all honesty, I feel like I'm pushing it with 2 children. There are lots of other factors wrapped up in this, but these are some of the driving issues.

This is where I am today. This is all quite likely to change tomorrow or as soon as I publish this post. I'm struggling. I acknowledge that. I don't know if there are any definite answers for me, at least at this point. I'm constantly thinking about these things, and I think I will be considering these for a long time to come.

Full time

Tuesday, as we picked Bear up, his teacher said, "We have a full time slot opening on Monday and one on the 26th. Which do you want?" Even though I knew this day was coming, my heart sank a little bit. Since December Bear has gone to daycare 3 days a week. It hasn't been easy to cram everything both C and I need to get done into a 4 day work week (the way we split child care usually meant we each got an additional days worth of work, although it may have not been in the same day), but we managed, in part because child care is so expensive here and because we weren't ready to send Bear full time.

At the end of the spring term, we talked about Bear and full time care at length. C isn't getting enough work done, and he has genuine concerns about tenure (which is the topic for another post). I'm not getting any of my own work done, and I have serious concerns about ever securing a t-t job. Wild Man starts Junior Kindergarten in the fall, and will only go to daycare half days, which means we can afford to send Bear full time. We both agreed it is the best decision, especially as I will be teaching a 4-4 load this coming academic year. We spoke with Bear's teacher and she said a spot would be opening up in July or August. I expected late July, not early July.

C wants us to take the spot that starts next week, and I don't want to. He has said it is totally my decision, so I don't know what to do. It seems a bit strange to be upset about sending Bear to daycare when I've already been sending him for 6 months. He just seems to be growing up so, so fast, and given my work schedule this past year, I really feel like I've missed a lot of time with him. There are times when he actually prefers C to me, and that makes me a little jealous. I do love that he and C are so much closer than C and Wild Man were when Wild Man was 1, but that also reminds me that I wasn't with him as much when he was an infant as I was with Wild Man. Or at least I don't feel like I was. I know that in many ways I got more time with Bear, but I also felt like I was going in 14,000 different directions when he was an infant. I think I'm suffering from some "my baby is 1" blues. This year has gone by so fast. I just want him to be my baby a little bit longer.

Random Updates

• Yesterday I typed up a to do list of things I have to get done before the end of summer. The list is long, and I'd much rather just chill out for a few weeks. But I will start plugging away next week.
  
• This week has been spent trying to beat the heat. The temps are in the 90s with 80% humidity, which isn't so hot for a girl from the South. But the South has AC and CU Land, not so much. In fact, C went out Monday and bought two window units so that we could sleep in relative cool. Bear has been miserable with the heat, and Wild Man isn't fairing much better. We installed one unit in Bear's room and the other in ours (Wild Man's room faces the street, and our condo association doesn't allow window units in those rooms). To stay cool, Wild Man has been sleeping on a pallet in our room. It's been a stressful few days because of the heat, but we're managing.
• My 13-year-old nephew is visiting for a few weeks, and I'm having a hard time finding things for him to do. He asked to come visit b/c things are a little tough for him at home right now, so we said yes without really thinking about what he would do. Wild Man and Bear are maintaining their daycare schedule, and C and I are trying to get some work done. My nephew isn't great at keeping himself entertained, and every time I turn around he is standing right behind me. We don't know many teenagers in our area, so we're trying to come up with things for him to do next week. I want him to have a good time, but I'm not sure what he can do. We've already taken him to the library and the bookstore twice, he's played his video game endlessly, and he has hung out on campus with us. He's bored, and I'm getting a bit frustrated by his response of "I don't know" whenever I ask him what he wants to do. But Wild Man loves him, and they are getting a lot of time together. Plus he is getting some serious one-on-one time with C and I, which I know he needs.
  
• Tomorrow we're heading to the beach with some friends, and I'm hoping Wild Man and Bear will enjoy it. These friends have teenagers, so I'm also hoping my nephew will click with one of them and spend sometime with them next week.
• Now I have to go figure out what to do for lunch.
  

Job updates

While we were away I got my teaching offers in the mail. It seems I will be considered a full-time lecturer at CU for the 2010-2011 school year. This means I will be teaching a 4-4 load. I need to contact my rep in HR to find out what benefits, if any, this entitles me to. I have mixed feelings on this. The money is nice, and we will be able to save a significant portion each month, which means I may not have to teach so much next summer. It will be really time consuming, however, and I'm not looking forward to another year in which I have very little time to do my own work. I'm also not looking forward to another year on the job market in which I don't have much time to think about applications before I send them out. To that end, I'm going to spend the next several weeks getting course stuff, job letters, and writing samples organized. I also need to finish up an article I've been working on for months and get it out. I need to have that on my CV.

In other news, I will be "team teaching" Intro to Women's Studies this year. I put team teaching in quotations because this means that I will divide the course in half with another, tenure-track prof, who will be getting her term off without teaching in the spring. We've spent the past few weeks organizing the class, and it has been a huge hassle. Why? Because this is her service course, which means she teaches it all the time. She's very committed to the course, which I totally get. She's taught it a lot, and she knows what works. She wants to stick to that formula, which is cool. Except it isn't. Having just taught this course over the summer and having spoken to a lot of students about it, I think there are some fundamental problems in the way the course is designed. I think it is entirely too theoretical for an intro course (I don't think freshman are equipped to read Irigary, Butler, Spivak, or Lacquer), and I think there is a strong argument to be made for making the course a true intro class and using an actual women's studies textbook rather than a collection of readings. We fundamentally disagree, and since I am only the "part-time" person, I am the one having to give in. On some level, I don't feel like it is worth the fight, largely because I'm not tenure track, but I really think she's designed the course she wants to teach rather than the course that is best for the students. Before we left to visit family I sat down and compiled a list of readings that I wanted to include. I just got an email with the list she decided on; there are only 4 or 5 of the readings I wanted to include on the list. Oh, and she will teach all of those readings. This woman is also very difficult to communicate with. She doesn't proofread her emails and ends questions with multiple questions marks, which I find so incredibly annoying. I'm trying to remember this is something to put on my CV, but I think she and I will likely exchange words before it is all over with.

I'm still alive

Indeed, I am still alive. In the last two weeks, I've graded a lot of papers, turned in final grades, traveled to visit family for a week, picked up my 13 year old nephew who will be staying with us for a few weeks (that is a post unto itself), and tried not to lose my mind. I have a lot of things going on and a lot of things I want to blog about. I hope to be present more now that summer school is over.

Happy Anniversary!

Happy 10th Anniversary to C and me!

Impossible to answer

This morning, as we were all eating our Cheerios, Wild Man looked at C and clear out of the blue asked, "Daddy, why did your father die?" How do you answer that question?

Happy Birthday, Bear!

June 22, 2009

June 19, 2009

Exhausted

I have 8 days left until the summer semester is over. I'm exhausted, and frankly, the end can't come soon enough.

Trying to Understand

So a lot happened in the course of Yetta and Pita's visit, and instead of being angry (as I usually am after spending time with them), I want to try to understand them. I'm doing this in the goals of encouraging a positive relationship between them and my children, not necessarily between them and myself. I, for one, am perfectly comfortable to keep them at arm's length. But I do want them to be involved in my children's lives as I see how much they love Bear and Wild Man. So I'm just going list out a few things that struck me. I may blog about certain things in more depth later as I try to come to terms with all of this.

• They left today and will be driving back through upstate NY to tour some wineries. Pita doesn't return to work until Sunday, so in my mind, they could have stayed at least one more day to spend time with the boys.
  
• My refrigerator now contains 2 jars of mustard and 2 jars of relish because they had hot dogs for dinner on Saturday and didn't like the brands of mustard and relish I had on hand.
  
• Yesterday C took them to Toys 'R Us to buy gifts for Bear's upcoming birthday. They left the store with a water table for Bear and a more expensive toy for Wild Man. (Ok, so this really, really bugs me, and I'm going to comment on it here. I truly don't care that she bought Wild Man a gift, and I know Bear will love the water table. What bothers me is that she spent more money on Wild Man when she was ostensibly shopping for Bear's birthday. It bothers me because I see it as symptomatic of the way she and Pita treat Bear in general. As the 4th grandson/nephew, he just isn't seen as important as Wild Man and his cousins. They rarely ask about Bear, they made little effort to connect with him, and they left early when they could have had another day with him, which I would think would be especially important as they were with Wild Man all weekend and we took Bear with us. When they were with him, they both complained that he was frightened by them and refused to go to either of them, which he did, and rather than spend more time with him so he could become accustomed to them, they left early.)
• The visit began with them both questioning C on "M's stress level." In fact, Pita asked "Is M managing any better than she was when you all came to visit us in February?" (I'm commenting here. So, right, she's recalling the fight when I told Yetta she hurt my feelings and Yetta told me I was selfish and didn't know what it was like to have a cruel MIL. Was I stressed out that visit? Damn right I was. In addition to that fight, I was dealing with Bear who had been sick all week and was only sleeping in 3 hour increments as well as Wild Man, who was completely off his schedule. I had 40 papers to grade, was being interrogated about our decision to live in Canada, and was told I didn't try hard enough to get a job in the States so we could move closer to them. So, yes, I was stressed out. Am I managing better? I manage wonderfully most days, I think, especially days I'm not judged by my in-laws.)
• C was told at least twice that we privilege money over family. This was made in response to him pointing out several times (in response to questions about jobs) that we make considerably more money at CU than we would in the states. In fact, I personally make about twice what most full time adjuncts make in the states, and C makes about 20% more what most assistant professors make.
  
• C was told we value our careers over our families.
• We were told that Mexico is too dangerous and we can't possibly take the boys there when C needs to go there to do research.
• C was told that my sister is mentally unstable and a bad influence on our children.
• C was told that I'm too controlling and need to relax in my parenting style.
• I was told that my SIL J is too lax and needs to take more charge in her parenting style.
• It became abundantly clear to me that neither C nor his older brother ever do anything wrong but that they made poor choices with their wives and that Pita and Yetta could parent my children better than I can.

All sarcasm and attempts at understanding aside, I find a lot of this so profoundly hurtful. And you know the thing that aggravates me the most? At the end of the day, after all my anger and thoughtful consideration, I still don't understand why they don't like me. And I really don't understand why I still care.

Well-educated, but ignorant

According to my sister-in-law, I am well-educated but ignorant. Why do you ask? Because I don't believe that Christians in the U.S. are being persecuted. Because I don't think the current trend toward saying "Happy Holidays" rather than "Merry Christmas" or the fact that their local fire station wasn't allowed to put up a nativity scene at Christmas constitutes persecution. I'm apparently also ignorant because I don't agree that the U.S. was founded on Christian principles as I don't define greed, intolerance, or violence as Christian principles. I'm also ignorant because I don't view "the truth" as the Bible (or so Pita assumes). Yes, that was the conversation that I had at breakfast. Is it any wonder that I forced Wild Man to go to the bathroom with me at least twice during the course of a 45 minute meal?

Home

C, Bear, and I made it home yesterday evening. We had a wonderful trip. The conference was great, we loved the city it was in, and C and I needed the time together. We ate a lot of great food, saw some beautiful sites, and spent a lot of time outside. Bear was a great traveler as well. Additionally, Wild Man had a great time with Yetta and Pita. He was well cared for, although he was really spoiled (as evidenced by the temper tantrum he had this morning when I told him he had to eat breakfast in the dining room not in front of the TV).

I have lots of other things to say about that, especially as I was overcome with anger at the state of my refrigerator and house in general last night (I mean, seriously, when Wild Man misses the toilet b/c he is 3 and doesn't have great aim, is it so hard to clean up the urine?). But I want to process my feelings a bit. If I write now, it will be little more than a rant, and I don't feel like that will be productive at all. I also want to blog about a comment Pita made to C regarding whether we're moving back to the States (she said something to the effect of: "Well, at some point you have to put your family before your career.") But for now, I will simply enjoy being home.

Working, working, working

That says it all. The weekend wasn't long enough. C and I leave on Friday to go to a conference, and I haven't finished editing my paper. Yetta and Pita are arriving today to take care of Wild Man, and we'll take care Bear with us. I'm more than a little nervous about that for a whole lot of reasons. My kitchen counters were installed yesterday, and they are lovely. I'll post a picture when I get more than a minute. I'm completely unprepared to teach today, so, of course, I'm blogging. Mark Twain awaits.

2 weeks down

That says it all. Now I'm off to start my long weekend!

It is official . . .

Bear has two teeth (after months of preteething and teething) and is scooting everywhere. He's not quite doing a traditional crawl; rather, he is pulling himself on his bum by using his left leg and his arms. He can get into a crawling position and is rocking back and forth, so I think he'll be crawling by the end of the week. Here are some pictures of him scooting around in a hotel room during a recent weekend trip C and I took with the boys. As you can see, he is very, very proud of himself!

Random Updates

• I'm in day 2 of week 2 of summer school. We're making it. The nights are tough, frankly. Bear is still nursing, and since he is refusing all bottles during the day, he is nursing a lot a night. A lot. This month I was supposed to be working on night weaning him, but honestly, I don't have the energy. I know that this will make night weaning all that much harder when I start as he'll be a year old when summer school is done, but whatever.
  
• I had forgotten how much I love teaching American literature. I haven't taught a survey course since we left Southwest College Town, and I'm loving it. I'm slowly starting to feel inspired again. While I was teaching Thoreau last week, I even had an epiphany for revising one of my dissertation chapters into an article. That felt good. I'm hoping I can hang on to the inspiration until summer school is over and get to work on that article finally.
• Two of our best friends and their glorious children (including my goddaughter) are coming to visit this weekend, and I am so, so excited.
• I need to edit a 70 page dissertation chapter down to an 8 page paper to present at a conference at the end of the month. Sure, I can do that.
• My kitchen is under construction again. We finally decided on and ordered countertops. C is taking this week off from all academic work and is scraping ugly, ugly tiles off the walls, painting the walls a lovely butter yellow color, and making a mess in general. The countertops will be delivered on Friday, and they will be installed sometime next week. Yes, you're reading correctly. I won the battle to have them professionally installed!
  
• My Women's Studies class is going ok. It is an intro class, which I've never taught before, and teaching it in the summer is intense. I'm not used to lecturing so much, and I'm also a bit uncomfortable with the tendency of students to share really personal things. I'm not sure I'm cut out to teach Women's Studies, especially at the intro level, but we'll see.
• Yesterday when I got home at 7:00 pm, Bear started saying "Mama, mama, mama," even before I walked up the stairs. He pushed his ways out of C's arms and tried to crawl to me. Wild Man jumped up from the couch and said, "Mommy, you're home! We missed you!" That made my whole day.
  

One week down

I survived the first week of summer school, and so did my family. Wild Man was a bit of a handful yesterday though, and part of me wonders if he was responding to my absence in the evenings. He tested every single boundary he could and spent a lot of time sitting on the bottom of the stairs thinking about why he was being so sassy yesterday evening. So far today has been better. C is off with some friends for the day, and I took Bear and Wild Man to a playdate with some good friends. My friend and I drank coffee and talked while the kids played. I needed it as much as the boys did. Now they are napping and I'm getting ready to map out the week. I hope to have a few things accomplished before the craziness starts all over again on Monday.