Update on Bear

We had Bear's check up today, and we discussed the bifid uvula that the clinic doctor discovered a few weeks ago when I took Bear in for a fever.

Our doctor gave Bear a thorough exam, and she agreed with the other doctor's assessment.  Bear does have a bifid uvula (which means that his uvula has a small cleft in it).  She, however, was much less concerned about a submucous cleft palate than the other doctor.  She said he would have had issues sucking and nursing if he had a submucous cleft palate, and she also said that he is speaking fairly clearly for a 13-month-old and that he shows no signs of hearing problems.  In fact, he responded to his name several times during the course of the exam.  She is going to refer us to an Ear, Nose, and Throat specialist, but she said it would likely take a month or more before we had the appointment, maybe longer.  She urged us not to worry as Bear is in great health otherwise.

In more news, Bear took his first official steps last night!  He was cruising between the armoir and bed in our room, and he suddenly let go and took about 6 steps right to Archer.  He has staunchly refused to do it again though!  So at 13-months-old, Bear is walking!

Article

The article I've been working on is really starting to take shape.  I have what I think is a solid draft finished.  I will take some time this evening to finish typing some last few sections, and then I will read through it tomorrow before sending it to a friend who offered to read it for me.  Then off it will go to the journal I've decided to send it to.  I'm really hoping this get published, but part of me is thinking: why would anyone want to read this?!?

More on Blogging and Life

There were so many great comments on my last post that I decided to write a new post rather than just respond to the comments.

Here are some thoughts.  And I'm going to stop referring to Archer (see previous post) in the third person.  It's annoying to write, and I imagine it is annoying to read.

• Archer didn't tell me to take down the "deleted post."  When I realized how upset he was, I offered.  He thought about it for a while, and then asked me to take it down.  When he saw my reaction, which as I indicated before, I was totally unprepared for, he immediately changed his mind.  He stood over my shoulder as I took it down and asked me to leave it up.  It was important to me that I keep my word though, so I took it down.
• Since I've deleted the post, I can't go back and reread it to tell if it was about my own failings, as Anastasia suggested.  I do know I wrote that I was uncomfortable with my feelings and that I do feel like some of the feelings stem from my own insecurities.  
• After leaving the situation alone for a while, Archer and I talked again at length.  I now understand that he wasn't mad at my post.  He was upset that I wrote before he and I had really discussed it.  While that makes sense to me, I still don't feel like I did anything wrong.  I explained to him (again) that I often blog in an attempt to process thoughts and feelings before I talk those feelings out.  In lots of cases, it helps me to blog as I don't totally lose my cool about something that isn't worth losing my cool over (see every post I've ever written about Yetta, Pita, and my sister).  In this particular case, I didn't want to be jealous, so I wrote about why I was jealous before we talked about it.
• It also seems that the some of the comments were what made him the most angry.  I pointed out that I have no control over what people comment, and that comments are a part of the blogging process.  
• Archer has apologized.  In fact, he's done a lot of apologizing over the past few days as we both process the entire situation more.  He now realizes that he didn't handle the situation with his grad student very well.  He explained his thinking behind the process, and while I'm still bothered by it all, I see his logic (I won't share his logic though; that's his story to tell, not mine.).  I also don't believe he had any intention of making me jealous.  But I also don't think that he was thinking of me or of us when he was spending so much time with the GS, which he admitted.  He has also admitted that he's not great at balancing work and home and that he becomes consumed by work really easily.  He has instituted some house rules to make sure things like this never happen again.  
• I've explained my changed feelings about blogging to him.  When I told him I was contemplating no longer blogging, Archer went silent.  He told me that he realizes how important this is to me.  He said he was very sorry that his actions changed my view of blogging.  He has urged me to continue blogging.  In fact, every time I've been at the computer to check email or steal a few moments of work in the past few days he has said to the boys, "Let's leave Mommy alone.  She needs some time to herself."  Ordinarily I would assume he was just trying to help me find a moment or two to finish a thought, but I think he was trying to tell me that he knows my blogging has value for me.  That means a lot to me.

So where does this leave me and my blog?  I will keep blogging for now.  Archer rarely reads my blog (he was prompted to on this fateful day by a passing comment a friend made in an email she sent to both of us, a comment that had absolutely nothing to do with the post in question).  I am reassured that Archer now has some understanding of how important blogging is to me, but I don't think I'll be comfortable talking to him about my blog or my bloggy friends for awhile.  

I also now realize that adjusting to life in CU Land has been much more difficult on on both Archer and me than I realized.  While we've made some friends, we don't have the network we had in the States.  I've come to rely on my blog as a way to maintain connections with people, even though some of the people I stay connected to I don't know in real life.  I also value the community I've become a part of through blogging.  I'm not willing to give that up, especially not when there is still so much uncertainty in our lives because of the job market and academia in general.  I don't know if we're going to be in CU Land next August, but I do know I can open up my laptop, write a post about anything, and start a conversation with people whose opinions I respect and value.  It also enables me to have conversations with dear friends that I don't get to see as often as I'd like.  Frankly, this blog and the friendships I've made through it brings me a lot of comfort.  It helps me feel a little less alone.  It also gives me a space to talk about things, like not always liking CU Land or being lonely, that I don't necessarily want to talk about with Archer because I don't want his feelings about CU Land to be completely influenced by my feelings.

As everyone who commented on the previous post stated, this is a blog for me and one that is mostly about me.  That is why I've renamed the blog.  This is a name that feels more appropriate to the kind of blogging I do now.

Thanks for all the support.  I'm not going anywhere anytime soon.

A new pseudonym

As a result of last week's events, I have determined that I cannot give up blogging.  I have also determined that I don't want to start a new blog.  I don't know how long this particular blog will work for me, but it works for me now.  I'm keeping it.  I am, however, going to make some minor changes in an attempt to give myself and my family greater anonymity.  To that end, I'm changing my husband's pseudonym.  He will now be known as Archer.  This is a pseudonym that means nothing to anyone but me.  It doesn't even really apply to Archer, but I like it. 

Blogging

I've been blogging now for almost 4 years.  I started this blog, which I renamed today, when I was about 6 or 7 months pregnant with Wild Man, who is now 3 years and 9 months old.  My life has changed a lot.  I started this blog as a way to explore and chronicle some of the changes I was facing at that particular moment in my life.  Along the way, I've used the blog as a journal, albeit a public one.  This blog has enabled me to explore, to vent, and to record my thoughts and feelings, among other things.  Along the way, I've made some friends and been able to keep in touch with others.  Some months I post a lot, and others I rarely post at all.  I must admit I've never really thought about what this blog meant to me until this week.

Last week I wrote a post that upset someone I love very much, and in an attempt to make that person feel better, I offered to take the post down.  When this person took me up on that offer, I had no idea that I would have such a visceral reaction, but I did.  I sobbed as I took down the post.  I felt like I was ripping a page out of my journal, a journal that I actually reread with some frequency to try to learn about myself.  It seems in the course of the past 4 years blogging has become central to my identity in a way that I couldn't have anticipated and in a way that I'm not entirely sure I'm comfortable with.

On some level, it does seem odd to me that I now feel like I need to blog.  I often put really private thoughts out into the world, and while I'm not usually seeking out feedback, I do find some comfort in knowing that someone, somewhere, even if that someone is a person I've never met and never will meet, reads and takes the time to comment on my thoughts.  I have long accepted the reality that blogging means I have to deal with comments I don't agree with or with people not fully understanding something I've written.  I've even pissed off perfect strangers a time or two, and I've also had dear friends misinterpret things I've said or take things I've said out of the context in which I intended them.  I have learned to live with that.  And while I do blog about the people in my life, I feel like this blog is primarily about me and my journey through life.  Blogging helps me stay self-aware.  It helps me process my thoughts and feelings (and now that I've used "my" and "me" so much I'm feeling more than a bit narcissistic).  I never thought that something I had written or the way that people had responded to something I had written would upset someone I love.  But it did.  As a result, my feelings about blogging have changed.

Blogging no longer feels as free as it did.  I've always self-censored in my feeble attempt to remain anonymous, but since most of my family members either don't access the internet or don't know what a blog is, I've never really worried about their reactions to anything I've written.  Now that I have inadvertently hurt someone, I'm unsure of how to proceed.  Do I keep writing and naively hope that I don't hurt this person again?  Do I change the nature of what I write, thus defeating one of the primary purposes of the blog?  Do stop blogging altogether?  Do I close this blog down and start a new one, in which I'm completely anonymous?  Do I tell this person that I'm sorry, but that I'm going to keep blogging because it is, after all, something that I do that I truly intend to be just for me (on some level, I'm really inclined to do this, but then, I also feel like this response is inherently disrespectful and dismissive of this individual's feelings)?  Or do I simply do my best to keep this person out of my blog altogether, something that is very difficult given the nature of our relationship?

In all honesty, I'm at a loss. I'm currently contemplating ways to continue blogging and to maintain this blog while achieving a greater sense of anonymity.  I'm honestly not sure that is possible or if that is even something that I want to do.  Ultimately I think I'll make some minor changes, including not discussing this blog at all outside the blogging world.  I hope that is enough to ease my anxiety and to make this person feel better about the fact that I now know I need to blog.

Bear and vomit

Bear has just gotten over his second stomach bug in as many weeks.  I'm tired of smelling like vomit.  I just thought I'd share that.

Anonymity

In the next few days, I will be making some changes in an attempt to achieve more anonymity.  Please bear with me while I made these changes.

Writing

So trying to turn a dissertation chapter into an article is hard, much harder than I anticipated. I've spent the day trying to cut down the theoretical framework I outlined in the introduction of my dissertation into about 2 pages so that the discussion of space in my essay makes sense. I think it works, but I'm not 100% sure. Now I'm trying to edit and rework the chapter itself so that it works as a stand alone piece. The journal I've decided to submit to (it is a mid-level journal, so I think I stand a decent shot) accepts articles of 5,000 to 10,000 words; the chapter, in its original form, is 24,180 words. I know what needs to be cut out to make it work, but even with taking all of that out, I'm not sure I'll have cut out enough. But, as I keep reminding myself, at least I'm working. That makes me feel good.

Random Thoughts

• I'm thinking so many things, some personal, some professional. I'm having a hard time processing everything. I want to write, but I seem to keep getting caught in other semi-mindless tasks that have to be accomplished, but that aren't nearly as rewarding as writing.
• My nephew, whom I'll call Brown Eyes (BE) went home this weekend. He wasn't happy about it, but my sister wanted him home. It's nice to be our family of 4 again, but I also feel guilty for feeling that way. BE isn't getting enough attention at home, and while he was starting to drive me a bit crazy, I know his neediness was symptomatic of not getting enough attention. It was hard to parent a 13 month old, a 3 1/2 year old, and a 13 year old. I'm not sure I always did the best job of it as doing so often required a complete change of attitude every 45 seconds. BE's needs are very different than Wild Man's or Bear's, and although he is 13, his needs were not necessarily any less immediate. I'm very angry with my sister because I feel like BE has gotten lost in the shuffle of her life the last few years. I realize that I can't begin to understand what she's gone through (divorce, remarriage, two cross country moves due to jobs (well, I can relate to that), bi-polar diagnosis, and job loss) in the past 5 years, but I don't think that BE has been her main priority. When she didn't return phone calls for a week (3 from me, 2 from BE), I was pissed. When she finally got back to me, I let her know that regardless of her state of mind (she was having problems regulating medication) not calling the person back who is caring for her child is unacceptable. If she wasn't in a position to talk to me or to BE, she could have asked her husband to call us, and I pointed that out as kindly as I could. I'm worried about BE. My niece has survived all of this because she is more outgoing and makes her needs known. BE is quiet and fades into the background of the chaos at home. I told my sister and her husband that they need to be more aware of him and get more involved in his life. Sis actually seemed to pay attention, but who knows what will happen?
• I need a social life, seriously. One of our dear friend's son's from Southwest College Town celebrated his fourth birthday this weekend, and she posted pics of the festivities on Facebook. I literally cried seeing all of our friends together. I miss those weekends. I know it isn't the same as several of the friends have moved away, but given my location in CU Land it is very easy for me to idealize those moments. I've made 2 friends here, and I'm working hard to cultivate those relationships. It isn't easy though to find people to hang out with, especially when all the other complications of life are added in. What was so great about life in Southwest College Town was that we all became friends before we had children, and then we had children at approximately the same time.
  
• I'm continuing to write, and although I'm behind schedule, I'm hoping to have the article out by the end of next week, if not sooner.
• I'm trying to be optimistic about the job market this year. I'm trying to get organized a head of time, and I'm already revising my letters. I don't have high hopes, but I'd like to have some interviews.
• Wild Man has become a sassy preschooler, and I'm finding I don't have a lot of patience for backtalk. I feel like we end up sticking him in time out a lot, and I'm not sure that is a particularly effective form of discipline. I bought some stickers this weekend, and I want to make some sort of reward chart. I think that using positive reinforcement will be more beneficial that negative reinforcement.
• I've had too much coffee this morning.
• Bear is still not walking, but he is getting more confident about cruising around the house. He also says mama, dada, baba (brother), more, nana (banana), up, choo choo (he loves trains and cars), duck, and something that sounds like Wild Man's name. He is so different than Wild Man. We went to the park last night after dinner, and at this age, Wild Man was flinging himself down the slide head first. Bear will only go down the slide in my lap, and he refuses to let go of my or C's hand when he's on the climber. He is downright cautious in comparison to Wild Man.
• We leave for vacation to see some of our best friends (including our lovely goddaughter) in about 10 days, and I can't wait.
  

Blogging the lost

I've seen some bloggy friends do this, so I figured I'd give it a shot.

I've misplaced the gift certificate that C and the boys got me for my birthday--a lovely certificate for a manicure and a pedicure at my favorite salon. I distinctly remember it being on the bar in the kitchen. Then in a cleaning fit in preparation for C finishing the kitchen renovations, I moved it. And I have no idea where. It was with my birthday cards, and as I rarely throw cards away, I seriously doubt it was thrown away. Where it is, though, I don't know. Here's hoping that blogging about it prompts it to show up so I can go for my lovely mani and pedi. . .

Bear

Bear has been sick. Friday, around 10:00, shortly after I'd walked over to our neighbor's house to have a glass of wine, C called me to say that Bear had woken up vomiting. I trekked home to help C take care of the mess. Bear vomited 4 more times in the night, and C and I took turns sleeping and caring for Bear. By the morning he was better, and he was in a good enough mood that we went ahead with our plans to go blueberry picking. By that afternoon, however, he had a fever, which eventually hit 103 at some point in the night. He was an unhappy little guy, and as he was constantly pulling at his ears, we decided he needed to see a doctor.

On Sunday morning I took him over to the children's clinic, and we were seen pretty quickly. The doctor, whom we hadn't seen before and Bear loved, said he was in great health and that he most likely had some sort of virus that needed to run its course. He then asked me who our regular doctor was, and I told him. He then asked if she had ever mentioned that Bear had a bifid uvula. I said, no, and asked him what that was. He explained that a bifid uvula is a uvula that has a cleft in it. He then said a bifid uvula can be an indicator of a submucous cleft palate. He didn't really explain what that was, but he recommended we get an appointment with our doctor and get her opinion. He urged me to ask her to recommend us to a pediatric ENT for assessment. He reassured me that a bifid uvula isn't always an indicator of a submucous cleft palate, but that it can be. When I asked what problems it could cause, he was fairly casual and responded that it could lead to hearing and/or speech problems. So I left the appointment not too worried. I talked it over with C, and since we already have an appointment with our doctor for Bear in early August I didn't worry about it. Then, Sunday night, as I was awake with a restless Bear, I looked it up on google. Here is what I learned.

In a nutshell, a submucous cleft is a muscular deficiency in the soft palate that can lead to moderate to severe speech problems, most notably hypernasality. If this is the case, the only correction is surgery. If it is a more minor form, treatment is aggressive speech therapy and/or some sort of retainer to help correct and strengthen the mouth muscles. In the grand scheme of cleft palate issues, a submucous cleft palate is fairly minor, and from what I've read fairly easy to correct. I am, however, stressed out about this. This isn't the kind of thing I would normally get stressed out about. Normally if a doctor mentions a potential problem with one of my kids, I take the "Let's see approach." This isn't to say that I don't worry, but I am generally able to keep the worry to a minimum until we have all the information. I believe this saves me a lot of unnecessary stress, and yes, it is a conscious decision on my part. But this time, I'm worried. I don't know if it is the combination of lack of sleep (Bear is also cutting every tooth imaginable and I'm getting over the stomach bug, which I caught from him), PMS (of all weeks, my period, which I haven't had since giving birth to Bear, decided to return this week), and general stress (work stuff), but I'm really worried. I'm especially freaked out that he might have to have surgery. Normally, I'd just try to move our appointment with our doctor up, but our doctor is on vacation until the first of August, so I can't move it up. And I'm not fond of any of the other doctors in the practice. In the meantime, I'm analyzing every sound Bear makes to see if he has either a hearing or a speech problem, which is really unproductive as I'm not trained to do that. I'll also remind myself that we don't know if he has a submucous cleft palate and that if he does it is fairly easy to take care of in the grand scheme of things. Oh, and I'll try not to worry about it until the doctor's appointment in 2 weeks.

Still. . .

trying to write. I'm having some success.

Today . . .

I will write something.

Wild Man decides on a profession

As I wrote recently, Wild Man has been very interested in C's dad. I think his interest stems, at least in part, from the time he recently spent with my dad and my grandfather, for whom Wild Man is named.

Last night in the bathtub, he asked about his Grandpa and his Great-Grandpa. As we talked about them, he then asked about C's dad. I explained that he would have called him "Papa," not "Grandpa." He then said, "But, Mommy, he died, right?" I said, "Yes, he got very sick, and he died." Wild Man pondered this for a minute. Here is the conversation that followed.

WM: When I get sick you take me to the doctor. Did Daddy's father go to the doctor?

M: Yes, he went to the doctor. Sometimes doctors can't make us better when we're very sick. Daddy's father was very, very sick.

WM: I will be a doctor when I get big. That way I can make sure nobody ever dies like Daddy's father did.

M: I think that would be wonderful.

When he told C this as C was putting him to bed, C had to choke back tears. He came into the room where I was nursing Bear to sleep and said, "M, I know we're doing something right because Wild Man has a heart bigger than mine or yours." Truer words were never spoken in my house.

A complaint

I really hate it when people either don't answer their phones or don't return phone calls in a timely manner. Seriously. I hate it even more when said person is my sister. Oh, and did I mention that her son has been visiting us for the past two weeks? It seems like returning a phone call to the person caring for your child might be high on your list of things to do.

Another Job Update

Yesterday I spent the bulk of the day working out my teaching schedule. It seems I was teaching too much. At CU, which is unionized, there are limitations to how many courses a "part-time" person can teach. In theory these rules are meant to protect part-time employees from being taken advantage of; in reality, it seems to cause part-time people stress as these people often need to teach more courses in order to make a living.

With the courses I taught this summer and the courses I was asked to teach over the regular academic year, I was teaching 2 more courses than I was permitted. Of course, the system here is really confusing, so I didn't realize this until someone pointed it out to me. I then spoke with one of the department heads, and she offered to write the dean to ask permission for me to receive an overload. She did this, in part, because I'm teaching a special topics course for her department, and she didn't want me to turn that course down. Dr. Writing and I spoke through email, and I then emailed the head of the English department, Dr. Interested (I'm calling him this because he's shown a lot of interest in my work). I asked him for his advice as he is the only department head who has an understanding of my research and who has read and commented on my CV for me. I told him that if I was going to turn down any courses I would turn down one in his department as it is a course that I haven't taught before and uses a standard syllabus that includes 4 books I've never even read before (this is the online course; and it focuses on British lit. Oh, and right, I'm an Americanist.). He was really, really helpful. He told me point blank that he knew of other people who could teach the course, so I shouldn't feel bad about turning the course down. He then went on to say that my CV is really strong in terms of my teaching, and that if a position were to become available in my area (which is a distinct possibility in the next year or so), he can make a strong case for me given my teaching experience. What I am lacking is research. He urged me to do what was best for me so that I could focus on my research, something Dr. Writing said in a much less direct way. So after a long talk with C and a bit of tears (I really, really didn't want to turn down an English course), I finally decided to turn down that course. So now instead of teaching a 4-4 load, I will be teaching 3-3. I will have only 1 new prep in the fall, and the winter will all be repeats. Theoretically this will give me some time to work on job materials and to research. I'm still feeling a bit conflicted about all of this, but I think it was the right decision.

I am still teaching 1 more course than I should, but Dr. Writing has spoken with the dean and seems to think that I will be approved for an overload. She needs me to teach these courses, so I'm hopeful I will get approval. I'm also hopeful that the dean will take notice of how much I'm teaching and begin to wonder if it isn't more effective to have me on staff in a more permanent way. But I'm also doubtful that will happen any time soon.

Struggling

I am struggling a bit lately. I'm no longer certain who I am professionally. I'm no longer 100% certain what I want out of my professional life. There I said it. So what does that mean? I'm going to break this down into two categories.

What I know

• I know I am a good teacher. My last set of student evaluations were high, really high. For the 2009-2010 academic year at CU Land (a year in which I taught 4 courses in 3 departments), my average score was 6.4 out of 7, which is a full point higher than the university average.
• I love teaching. I seem to have found my groove teaching. I'm having a great time designing courses and preparing lectures. I even seem to have found a way to make professional writing enjoyable for my students.
• I am also enjoying advising students, and my students seem to be responding to me really well. I have several come to me for advice throughout the year, and I've even had a few request to work with me on the Master's Projects now that they are in the grad programs at CU. Unfortunately, because I'm only considered part-time, I can't work with graduate students.
• I am happy with my teaching, but I'm considerably less happy with the uncertainty of my position. I've had several conversations with the head of the Writing Department and the head of the English Department. Both seem interested in having me on their faculties in a more permanent way. For a variety of reasons, it isn't going to work out in Women's Studies. I'm not great at advocating for myself. I'm not great at selling myself or at "schmoozing," even though I know I need to do this in order to get what I want.
• I've figured out how to balance my teaching with my family, and I'm happy with this, very happy. I'm at a point where (Summer teaching aside) I rarely have to do work at home. I am able to focus on my boys, and I love that.
• As much as I love teaching, I'm growing increasingly frustrated by my limited time to do any of my own work. I've written nothing, literally, since I graduated last August. I have stacks of books checked out, and I've written some notes on how I want to revise two of my chapters. I even have contacted an editor at a reputable press, but I haven't had time to write.
• C is doing really well. He seems to have gotten a really great handle on how to do research. He's been awarded 3 grants since he has been at CU; he's given two invited lectures and has been asked to give another at an Ivy League school; and he's submitted two articles for publication (1 has been accepted, and he's waiting to hear about the second). Oh, and he's submitted a book prospectus and received a letter of interest from the publisher. He is currently working on the first chapter and has a clear plan to have a draft of the book done in 18 months.
• We're happy in CU Land. We're still struggling a bit with making friends, but things are getting better.
  
• That's what I know.

What I don't know

• I'm not certain I want a tenure track job at an R1, which is what CU is. C and I have a handle on me being the "teacher," and him being the "researcher." When he needs time on the weekends to work, we have found a way to balance that. I'm not sure we can handle two "researchers" and still manage our family as well as we do.
• I'm not sure I want to be a "researcher." I don't feel very successful at it right now. As I wrote above, I have a lot of confidence in my teaching. When I present at conferences, I get a lot of positive feedback, but I haven't had time to revise anything and submit for publication. I also feel like I live in a bit of black hole right now. I have no one to talk to about my work. It has been really hard to meet people in the English department, and the people I've met in the Writing department aren't in my field. I miss being part of an intellectual community, and I'm not great at introducing myself to people (see "schmoozing" point above).
• I don't know if I want to deal with all the BS that accompanies a tenure track appointment. I see a lot of the stuff that C has to deal with, and while I want more job security, I don't have to deal with committees or departmental politics at all. Well, okay, not at all, but only in a very limited way. I fully realize that I also don't get a lot of the benefits that accompany a tenure track appointment.
• I don't know if I'm done having children. There I also finally admitted that. My feelings on this are so conflicted and are also very tied up in my identity as a female academic and a feminist. On so many ways I would love to have a third child, but I don't know if we can balance a third child with an academic lifestyle. I feel like a third child is absolutely out of the question if I get a tenure track job, especially at CU Land. I feel like I have to choose my career over my family, at least with this decision. I also feel like I won't be taken seriously as an academic if I have 3 children. In all honesty, I feel like I'm pushing it with 2 children. There are lots of other factors wrapped up in this, but these are some of the driving issues.

This is where I am today. This is all quite likely to change tomorrow or as soon as I publish this post. I'm struggling. I acknowledge that. I don't know if there are any definite answers for me, at least at this point. I'm constantly thinking about these things, and I think I will be considering these for a long time to come.

Full time

Tuesday, as we picked Bear up, his teacher said, "We have a full time slot opening on Monday and one on the 26th. Which do you want?" Even though I knew this day was coming, my heart sank a little bit. Since December Bear has gone to daycare 3 days a week. It hasn't been easy to cram everything both C and I need to get done into a 4 day work week (the way we split child care usually meant we each got an additional days worth of work, although it may have not been in the same day), but we managed, in part because child care is so expensive here and because we weren't ready to send Bear full time.

At the end of the spring term, we talked about Bear and full time care at length. C isn't getting enough work done, and he has genuine concerns about tenure (which is the topic for another post). I'm not getting any of my own work done, and I have serious concerns about ever securing a t-t job. Wild Man starts Junior Kindergarten in the fall, and will only go to daycare half days, which means we can afford to send Bear full time. We both agreed it is the best decision, especially as I will be teaching a 4-4 load this coming academic year. We spoke with Bear's teacher and she said a spot would be opening up in July or August. I expected late July, not early July.

C wants us to take the spot that starts next week, and I don't want to. He has said it is totally my decision, so I don't know what to do. It seems a bit strange to be upset about sending Bear to daycare when I've already been sending him for 6 months. He just seems to be growing up so, so fast, and given my work schedule this past year, I really feel like I've missed a lot of time with him. There are times when he actually prefers C to me, and that makes me a little jealous. I do love that he and C are so much closer than C and Wild Man were when Wild Man was 1, but that also reminds me that I wasn't with him as much when he was an infant as I was with Wild Man. Or at least I don't feel like I was. I know that in many ways I got more time with Bear, but I also felt like I was going in 14,000 different directions when he was an infant. I think I'm suffering from some "my baby is 1" blues. This year has gone by so fast. I just want him to be my baby a little bit longer.

Random Updates

• Yesterday I typed up a to do list of things I have to get done before the end of summer. The list is long, and I'd much rather just chill out for a few weeks. But I will start plugging away next week.
  
• This week has been spent trying to beat the heat. The temps are in the 90s with 80% humidity, which isn't so hot for a girl from the South. But the South has AC and CU Land, not so much. In fact, C went out Monday and bought two window units so that we could sleep in relative cool. Bear has been miserable with the heat, and Wild Man isn't fairing much better. We installed one unit in Bear's room and the other in ours (Wild Man's room faces the street, and our condo association doesn't allow window units in those rooms). To stay cool, Wild Man has been sleeping on a pallet in our room. It's been a stressful few days because of the heat, but we're managing.
• My 13-year-old nephew is visiting for a few weeks, and I'm having a hard time finding things for him to do. He asked to come visit b/c things are a little tough for him at home right now, so we said yes without really thinking about what he would do. Wild Man and Bear are maintaining their daycare schedule, and C and I are trying to get some work done. My nephew isn't great at keeping himself entertained, and every time I turn around he is standing right behind me. We don't know many teenagers in our area, so we're trying to come up with things for him to do next week. I want him to have a good time, but I'm not sure what he can do. We've already taken him to the library and the bookstore twice, he's played his video game endlessly, and he has hung out on campus with us. He's bored, and I'm getting a bit frustrated by his response of "I don't know" whenever I ask him what he wants to do. But Wild Man loves him, and they are getting a lot of time together. Plus he is getting some serious one-on-one time with C and I, which I know he needs.
  
• Tomorrow we're heading to the beach with some friends, and I'm hoping Wild Man and Bear will enjoy it. These friends have teenagers, so I'm also hoping my nephew will click with one of them and spend sometime with them next week.
• Now I have to go figure out what to do for lunch.
  

Job updates

While we were away I got my teaching offers in the mail. It seems I will be considered a full-time lecturer at CU for the 2010-2011 school year. This means I will be teaching a 4-4 load. I need to contact my rep in HR to find out what benefits, if any, this entitles me to. I have mixed feelings on this. The money is nice, and we will be able to save a significant portion each month, which means I may not have to teach so much next summer. It will be really time consuming, however, and I'm not looking forward to another year in which I have very little time to do my own work. I'm also not looking forward to another year on the job market in which I don't have much time to think about applications before I send them out. To that end, I'm going to spend the next several weeks getting course stuff, job letters, and writing samples organized. I also need to finish up an article I've been working on for months and get it out. I need to have that on my CV.

In other news, I will be "team teaching" Intro to Women's Studies this year. I put team teaching in quotations because this means that I will divide the course in half with another, tenure-track prof, who will be getting her term off without teaching in the spring. We've spent the past few weeks organizing the class, and it has been a huge hassle. Why? Because this is her service course, which means she teaches it all the time. She's very committed to the course, which I totally get. She's taught it a lot, and she knows what works. She wants to stick to that formula, which is cool. Except it isn't. Having just taught this course over the summer and having spoken to a lot of students about it, I think there are some fundamental problems in the way the course is designed. I think it is entirely too theoretical for an intro course (I don't think freshman are equipped to read Irigary, Butler, Spivak, or Lacquer), and I think there is a strong argument to be made for making the course a true intro class and using an actual women's studies textbook rather than a collection of readings. We fundamentally disagree, and since I am only the "part-time" person, I am the one having to give in. On some level, I don't feel like it is worth the fight, largely because I'm not tenure track, but I really think she's designed the course she wants to teach rather than the course that is best for the students. Before we left to visit family I sat down and compiled a list of readings that I wanted to include. I just got an email with the list she decided on; there are only 4 or 5 of the readings I wanted to include on the list. Oh, and she will teach all of those readings. This woman is also very difficult to communicate with. She doesn't proofread her emails and ends questions with multiple questions marks, which I find so incredibly annoying. I'm trying to remember this is something to put on my CV, but I think she and I will likely exchange words before it is all over with.

I'm still alive

Indeed, I am still alive. In the last two weeks, I've graded a lot of papers, turned in final grades, traveled to visit family for a week, picked up my 13 year old nephew who will be staying with us for a few weeks (that is a post unto itself), and tried not to lose my mind. I have a lot of things going on and a lot of things I want to blog about. I hope to be present more now that summer school is over.

Happy Anniversary!

Happy 10th Anniversary to C and me!

Impossible to answer

This morning, as we were all eating our Cheerios, Wild Man looked at C and clear out of the blue asked, "Daddy, why did your father die?" How do you answer that question?

Happy Birthday, Bear!

June 22, 2009

June 19, 2009

Exhausted

I have 8 days left until the summer semester is over. I'm exhausted, and frankly, the end can't come soon enough.

Trying to Understand

So a lot happened in the course of Yetta and Pita's visit, and instead of being angry (as I usually am after spending time with them), I want to try to understand them. I'm doing this in the goals of encouraging a positive relationship between them and my children, not necessarily between them and myself. I, for one, am perfectly comfortable to keep them at arm's length. But I do want them to be involved in my children's lives as I see how much they love Bear and Wild Man. So I'm just going list out a few things that struck me. I may blog about certain things in more depth later as I try to come to terms with all of this.

• They left today and will be driving back through upstate NY to tour some wineries. Pita doesn't return to work until Sunday, so in my mind, they could have stayed at least one more day to spend time with the boys.
  
• My refrigerator now contains 2 jars of mustard and 2 jars of relish because they had hot dogs for dinner on Saturday and didn't like the brands of mustard and relish I had on hand.
  
• Yesterday C took them to Toys 'R Us to buy gifts for Bear's upcoming birthday. They left the store with a water table for Bear and a more expensive toy for Wild Man. (Ok, so this really, really bugs me, and I'm going to comment on it here. I truly don't care that she bought Wild Man a gift, and I know Bear will love the water table. What bothers me is that she spent more money on Wild Man when she was ostensibly shopping for Bear's birthday. It bothers me because I see it as symptomatic of the way she and Pita treat Bear in general. As the 4th grandson/nephew, he just isn't seen as important as Wild Man and his cousins. They rarely ask about Bear, they made little effort to connect with him, and they left early when they could have had another day with him, which I would think would be especially important as they were with Wild Man all weekend and we took Bear with us. When they were with him, they both complained that he was frightened by them and refused to go to either of them, which he did, and rather than spend more time with him so he could become accustomed to them, they left early.)
• The visit began with them both questioning C on "M's stress level." In fact, Pita asked "Is M managing any better than she was when you all came to visit us in February?" (I'm commenting here. So, right, she's recalling the fight when I told Yetta she hurt my feelings and Yetta told me I was selfish and didn't know what it was like to have a cruel MIL. Was I stressed out that visit? Damn right I was. In addition to that fight, I was dealing with Bear who had been sick all week and was only sleeping in 3 hour increments as well as Wild Man, who was completely off his schedule. I had 40 papers to grade, was being interrogated about our decision to live in Canada, and was told I didn't try hard enough to get a job in the States so we could move closer to them. So, yes, I was stressed out. Am I managing better? I manage wonderfully most days, I think, especially days I'm not judged by my in-laws.)
• C was told at least twice that we privilege money over family. This was made in response to him pointing out several times (in response to questions about jobs) that we make considerably more money at CU than we would in the states. In fact, I personally make about twice what most full time adjuncts make in the states, and C makes about 20% more what most assistant professors make.
  
• C was told we value our careers over our families.
• We were told that Mexico is too dangerous and we can't possibly take the boys there when C needs to go there to do research.
• C was told that my sister is mentally unstable and a bad influence on our children.
• C was told that I'm too controlling and need to relax in my parenting style.
• I was told that my SIL J is too lax and needs to take more charge in her parenting style.
• It became abundantly clear to me that neither C nor his older brother ever do anything wrong but that they made poor choices with their wives and that Pita and Yetta could parent my children better than I can.

All sarcasm and attempts at understanding aside, I find a lot of this so profoundly hurtful. And you know the thing that aggravates me the most? At the end of the day, after all my anger and thoughtful consideration, I still don't understand why they don't like me. And I really don't understand why I still care.

Well-educated, but ignorant

According to my sister-in-law, I am well-educated but ignorant. Why do you ask? Because I don't believe that Christians in the U.S. are being persecuted. Because I don't think the current trend toward saying "Happy Holidays" rather than "Merry Christmas" or the fact that their local fire station wasn't allowed to put up a nativity scene at Christmas constitutes persecution. I'm apparently also ignorant because I don't agree that the U.S. was founded on Christian principles as I don't define greed, intolerance, or violence as Christian principles. I'm also ignorant because I don't view "the truth" as the Bible (or so Pita assumes). Yes, that was the conversation that I had at breakfast. Is it any wonder that I forced Wild Man to go to the bathroom with me at least twice during the course of a 45 minute meal?

Home

C, Bear, and I made it home yesterday evening. We had a wonderful trip. The conference was great, we loved the city it was in, and C and I needed the time together. We ate a lot of great food, saw some beautiful sites, and spent a lot of time outside. Bear was a great traveler as well. Additionally, Wild Man had a great time with Yetta and Pita. He was well cared for, although he was really spoiled (as evidenced by the temper tantrum he had this morning when I told him he had to eat breakfast in the dining room not in front of the TV).

I have lots of other things to say about that, especially as I was overcome with anger at the state of my refrigerator and house in general last night (I mean, seriously, when Wild Man misses the toilet b/c he is 3 and doesn't have great aim, is it so hard to clean up the urine?). But I want to process my feelings a bit. If I write now, it will be little more than a rant, and I don't feel like that will be productive at all. I also want to blog about a comment Pita made to C regarding whether we're moving back to the States (she said something to the effect of: "Well, at some point you have to put your family before your career.") But for now, I will simply enjoy being home.

Working, working, working

That says it all. The weekend wasn't long enough. C and I leave on Friday to go to a conference, and I haven't finished editing my paper. Yetta and Pita are arriving today to take care of Wild Man, and we'll take care Bear with us. I'm more than a little nervous about that for a whole lot of reasons. My kitchen counters were installed yesterday, and they are lovely. I'll post a picture when I get more than a minute. I'm completely unprepared to teach today, so, of course, I'm blogging. Mark Twain awaits.

2 weeks down

That says it all. Now I'm off to start my long weekend!

It is official . . .

Bear has two teeth (after months of preteething and teething) and is scooting everywhere. He's not quite doing a traditional crawl; rather, he is pulling himself on his bum by using his left leg and his arms. He can get into a crawling position and is rocking back and forth, so I think he'll be crawling by the end of the week. Here are some pictures of him scooting around in a hotel room during a recent weekend trip C and I took with the boys. As you can see, he is very, very proud of himself!

Random Updates

• I'm in day 2 of week 2 of summer school. We're making it. The nights are tough, frankly. Bear is still nursing, and since he is refusing all bottles during the day, he is nursing a lot a night. A lot. This month I was supposed to be working on night weaning him, but honestly, I don't have the energy. I know that this will make night weaning all that much harder when I start as he'll be a year old when summer school is done, but whatever.
  
• I had forgotten how much I love teaching American literature. I haven't taught a survey course since we left Southwest College Town, and I'm loving it. I'm slowly starting to feel inspired again. While I was teaching Thoreau last week, I even had an epiphany for revising one of my dissertation chapters into an article. That felt good. I'm hoping I can hang on to the inspiration until summer school is over and get to work on that article finally.
• Two of our best friends and their glorious children (including my goddaughter) are coming to visit this weekend, and I am so, so excited.
• I need to edit a 70 page dissertation chapter down to an 8 page paper to present at a conference at the end of the month. Sure, I can do that.
• My kitchen is under construction again. We finally decided on and ordered countertops. C is taking this week off from all academic work and is scraping ugly, ugly tiles off the walls, painting the walls a lovely butter yellow color, and making a mess in general. The countertops will be delivered on Friday, and they will be installed sometime next week. Yes, you're reading correctly. I won the battle to have them professionally installed!
  
• My Women's Studies class is going ok. It is an intro class, which I've never taught before, and teaching it in the summer is intense. I'm not used to lecturing so much, and I'm also a bit uncomfortable with the tendency of students to share really personal things. I'm not sure I'm cut out to teach Women's Studies, especially at the intro level, but we'll see.
• Yesterday when I got home at 7:00 pm, Bear started saying "Mama, mama, mama," even before I walked up the stairs. He pushed his ways out of C's arms and tried to crawl to me. Wild Man jumped up from the couch and said, "Mommy, you're home! We missed you!" That made my whole day.
  

One week down

I survived the first week of summer school, and so did my family. Wild Man was a bit of a handful yesterday though, and part of me wonders if he was responding to my absence in the evenings. He tested every single boundary he could and spent a lot of time sitting on the bottom of the stairs thinking about why he was being so sassy yesterday evening. So far today has been better. C is off with some friends for the day, and I took Bear and Wild Man to a playdate with some good friends. My friend and I drank coffee and talked while the kids played. I needed it as much as the boys did. Now they are napping and I'm getting ready to map out the week. I hope to have a few things accomplished before the craziness starts all over again on Monday.

Guilt

All total yesterday I spent about 3 hours with my kids. That sucks. It really, really sucks. So I woke up this morning (after a restless night with Bear) feeling guilty. Then on the way to drop Wild Man and Bear off at daycare, Wild Man asked for milk. I always bring milk for him to drink in the car on the way to school. Always. He doesn't always want it, but I always have it. This morning I forgot. And he told me I forgot on purpose. He made such a big deal about it that he even told his teachers that I forgot on purpose. By the time I dropped both boys off and got back to the car, I was in tears. And now I must prep a lecture on Benjamin Franklin.

An update

The first two days of the semester are over, and they've gone fairly well. Here's the run down.

• Bear is slowly getting back to himself. Last night was rough though. He was up a lot. He seems to be cutting every single tooth on top of having strep throat. I think C and I each managed about 5 hours of sleep each.
  
• Somehow I still managed to lecture on Puritans and Mary Wollstonecraft--in two separate classes.
• Wild Man pushed one of his classmates down today, and the little boy cut his head. Last week Wild Man got kicked in the face. I'm getting a little frustrated by the explanation, "The boys in Wild Man's class (Wild Man included) are very energetic and rowdy." Needless to say, C and I have an appointment with the director of the school to see if we can get a better understanding of what is going on. C doesn't think the teachers are firm enough, and I tend to agree. I'm more than a bit bothered by the fact that Wild Man intentionally hurt another child though. C made him tell me, and Wild Man was in tears before he told me. Oddly enough, he was more upset knowing I would be disappointed in his behavior.
  
• Tomorrow I get to teach Virginia Woolf and slave narratives. Here's hoping the rest of the week goes smoothly.
  

A great start

Summer school starts at CU today, so C is, once again, the primary caregiver again. Because of my schedule (I teach from 4:30 till 6:30) he will pick the boys up from school, give them dinner, and get them ready for bed on his own. I'll get home just in time to help put them to bed. This will be the norm for 6 weeks. I'm not feeling great about this schedule as I also teach a class from 11 to 1. I feel like I won't see my family during the week for 6 weeks. It makes me feel so blech that I had a good cry about it on Saturday night, which was supposed to be our date night. It was really romantic, let me tell you.

I am feeling very conflicted about my career and motherhood lately, and given my most recent post about my jealousy over C's recent career success, I'm feeling more than a bit like a hypocrite. I'm sure I'll be blogging about this in the next few weeks, when I have time that is.

For now, I'm trying to finish prepping for the first day of class and waiting to hear from C about Bear's doctor's appointment. Bear's been running a fever since Saturday night and is so crabby that I'm beginning to think someone kidnapped my laid back baby and replaced him with an evil clone.

*I just got a call from C. The doctor thinks Bear has strep throat, so C's off to the drugstore to get a script for antibiotics filled. I hope he starts feeling better soon.

I need to . . .

work on my attitude. I really, really do.

C just called me to tell me that he has been invited to give a lecture at an Ivy League school by a big wig in his profession. My reaction was less than supportive. Actually, that is an understatement. I had to try really hard not to cry. Because this is my blog and because I think the people who read my blog and know me generally know that I love my husband and that I think he is super-smart and that he works really, really hard, I'm not going to go write several paragraphs about how wonderful I think C is. Instead I'm going to write what I feel.

I'm jealous of C. I'm super, crazy, insanely jealous of my husband, and I feel incredibly guilty for that. But the reality of my life is this: I want a t-t job. I want my own office. I want professional stability. I want to buy books and to go to conferences without worrying about how I'm going to pay for it. I want to be involved in a professional conversation about my field. I don't want to have to explain when someone wrote something or to discuss historical context or to correct someone's misperceptions about my field. I want to talk about my work with someone who is in my field. I want to go to a department meeting (I went to 2 last week, incidentally) and feel like I belong. I don't want to have to constantly introduce myself and I don't want to have to remind people that I teach at CU because my husband is a t-t prof while I am not. I want to feel validated professionally. I want to be able to stop selling myself. I actually want to worry about how I'm going to make tenure rather than if I'm ever going to have a t-t position.

And most of all, I want to be able to feel happy for C without thinking about myself.

"I'm going to eat Bear's toes!"

Wild Man declared at breakfast the other morning. He climbed down from his chair, walked over to Bear's high chair, climbed under the table, and proceeded to do just that. For his part, Bear was thrilled at the attention his brother was giving him!

Am I Good Enough?

I think a lot about whether I am a good parent, and Kate's recent post at Academic Ecology made me ask myself the "Am I Good Enough?" question yet again. It is very safe to say that C and I ask one another this question a lot. While I do feel like I'm a successful parent most of the time, there are lots of reasons why I think I'm not doing a good job, and I make bad parenting decisions almost every day. C and I do try to discuss the bad decisions, and if I make a bad decision, I expect him to say, "Um, M, that wasn't such a good move," as I also help him recognize his mistakes. Suffice to say, we spend a lot of time talking about our children, how we parent, how we want to parent, and how to be better parents.

After reading Kate's post, I began to wonder if there is a direct correlation between being a good parent and doubting whether one is a good parent. It seems to me that the best parents I know, including my blogging mama buddies Kate, Anastasia, Lilian, Profgrrrl, and AcadeMama, as well as my real life mama friends Meg, ML, Supadiscomama, P-Duck, Jennie, Sarah, and L, are constantly questioning their parenting decisions. And each of these ladies are wonderful, thoughtful, concerned, and involved parents, although each and everyone of them has a parenting style that fits their individual children and lives. I also know these ladies agonize about various parenting decisions similarly to the way C and I do. I think that thinking about parenting doesn't make one neurotic (as I have been told in the past and as I have occasionally felt); rather, it makes one a better parent.

Breast-Feeding or Fertility

I came across this article on breast-feeding and fertility while taking a break from grading. I find all things about breast-feeding interesting, and I find the idea that a woman's decision to breast feed a child for an extended period could prevent or limit her ability to have another child based on her age really intriguing and complicated. As a mother of two children, I feel like I'm constantly negotiating between what is right for one child versus what is right for another, and in any given minute, I am privileging the needs of one child over the needs of another. It is a constant struggle for me, and I'm sure for all parents.

After reading this article I found myself wondering if I were in this mother's position would I have stopped nursing Wild Man to get pregnant again. I don't know if I would have. As much as I love Bear and am so thrilled we have him, I can't imagine not nursing Wild Man for as long as we did (19 months for the record). I really believe that nursing for that extended period played a significant role in his development, both positive and negative. I also believe the same for Bear, although we're only 10 months in. The writer, Erica Kain, poses a very salient question, one so many parents are confronted with: how do you balance the needs of one child with the very different needs of another, even if the second child is only hypothetical? I know I struggle with this one every single day.

Wild Man the Monkey

This image captures his true spirit!

Spring time in CU Land

Last fall Wild Man and I planted about 100 tulip, hyacinth, and crocus bulbs in our front walk way and back yard. In the last few days they've really started to bloom. These flowers make me smile every time I see them, so I thought I'd share them with everyone!

Summer Courses, Summer Pay

I am teaching during what CU calls Summer Intersession. From May 10th till June 18th I will be teaching 2 full year courses. That means I have about 6 weeks (or approximately 25 classes as we will meet 4 days a week) to present material that I would normally have 28 weeks (or approximately 56 classes as these classes meet twice a week) to present. One of the classes in an American lit class which I have taught before elsewhere, so I'm not too stressed out about it. The other is an Intro to Women's Studies course which I've never taught and I am a somewhat nervous about (I've been reminded repeatedly that this is the course that convinces a lot of students to become Women's Studies majors; thus, I feel like I'm being tested a bit.). The Winter term ended last week, and although I have a lot of grading to do in the next week or so, I now have about 5 weeks to focus on getting the courses together.

I've been thinking for sometime, however, that I'm going to be doing a lot of work in the next 12 weeks or so for not a whole lot of money. I say that knowing full well what I'm paid as a "part-time" instructor is much more than most, if not all, of my friends working as "part-time" instructors in the states. So I was more than a bit surprised to open my contract today to learn that I get paid for the course, not for the term. The pay for a full-year (two semesters) course is twice the pay for a half-year (one semester) course, but being an American and being accustomed to the way things are done at American universities, I assumed my pay was and is based on the semester rather than the course. Thus, I assumed I was paid for the number of courses I teach in a given term, regardless whether I'm teaching what are deemed full-year or half-year courses. With the summer courses, I assumed I would only be paid for one term since I'm technically only teaching for one term,even though the courses are actually full-year courses. Well, in fact, it turns out that CU pays based on the course, not the term. This means that for the months of May and June I will receive the same amount I was paid for teaching my full-year English course from September 1 to April 30. When I realized this, I literally almost fell on the floor. I immediately called C, and he actually spit out the coffee he was drinking. The summer just got a little brighter for us, at least economically.

Spring shoes

Last week, I went on a bit of a shopping spree and bought myself some clothes that actually fit. Yesterday I stopped in a shoe store just to see if I could find any shoes to go with my new clothes, and I found these in yellow. Since they are cork, they are actually fairly comfortable for being so high. C was totally shocked that I actually bought yellow shoes (I own nothing in yellow, but I think they will go with several of the dresses I bought last week). I can't wait for the weather to warm up a few more degrees so that I can wear them!

Wild Man's Quote of the Day

"Kissing is good, Mommy. But don't kiss Daddy so much."

I want my own office

The title of this post says it all. I have access to 3 office on campus, but I share every one of them with multiple people. As a part-time faculty member, I am discouraged from using said offices to do any of my own work. They are simply locations where I can meet with students. In fact, I am expected to coordinate my office hours with all of my office mates so that none of us are in the office at the same time (this is ostensibly to give us privacy while meeting with students, but the implication is also that we're only supposed to use the offices during our office hours). As I spend a fair amount of time on campus (for various reasons, but primarily because we only have one car, and C and I teach on the same days) I spend a lot of time in C's office. I do this because I really don't have anywhere else to do. And I hate it. I hate that I don't have a space of my own on campus. I hate that I'm constantly in his building and that I see the people he works with all the time. I hate that being in his office reminds me that I don't have a tenure-track position. I hate that I can't apply to use a study carrel in the library because I'm only "part-time" (yes, I'm only part-time, but I teach more courses than most t-t faculty).

I literally use a corner of C's desk, and I have one bookshelf in his office. I am acutely aware that this is not my space, and I'm constantly leaving when he meets with students. He repeatedly tells me I don't have to leave, but I don't want to be in his office during those times. Truth be told, I don't want to be in his office at all. I do have an office at home, but again, for various reasons I end up being on campus more often than not. Most days I can handle this situation. But today it is really getting to me. Simply put, not having an office (even a shared office that I can access on a daily basis) reminds me of the impermanence of my position and makes me feel like I'm not valued by CU at all.

Body Image

I've started this post about 5 times, and every time I begin it with a lengthy caveat about being thin and how I know that most women would like to have the problem I'm currently having with my body. I'm not sure why I feel it necessary to apologize for being thin, but I do. Ok, so that's not true. I feel it necessary to apologize for being thin and for complaining about being thin because I've been made to feel like it isn't ok for me to have body issues based on my thinness or that my thinness is an affront on people who aren't as thin as I am or that I need to be reprimanded for being thin because, after all, I'm thin to make other people feel bad about themselves. Case in point, at my wedding, my sister-in-law told me I made her sick because of how small my waist is. Nice thing to be told at my wedding, right? But then I thought this is my blog, and I will write whatever I want to write, comments be damned.

Anyway, since giving birth to Bear, my body has changed dramatically. I have lost all of the weight I gained while pregnant and then some. In fact, I now weigh about 10 pounds less than I did when I got pregnant with Bear. None of my clothes fit, and shopping trips are incredibly frustrating. Anything I try on I try on knowing I will have to have altered. C is getting concerned as I eat like a horse (literally, I eat as much as he does), and I'm still losing weight even though I'm not trying to and I'm not really exercising (chasing after a pre-schooler and breastfeeding Bear do count as exercise in my mind). But this post isn't about any potential health issues (of which I'm fairly certain there aren't any; my metabolism just seems to be in overdrive lately, although I do have a doctor's appointment to get everything checked out just in case). It is about body issues.

I'm so tired of pulling out my favorite shirt/skirt/dress/pants/jeans only to discover that everything is too big. I know this is an issue lots of people would love to have (there I go apologizing), but I don't. I feel like I'm too thin. Seriously, everything I own needs to be taken in. It's incredibly frustrating. I don't want to be this thin. I don't want to have the body of a 12-year-old girl with big boobs (boobs that will disappear as soon as I stop breastfeeding Bear). Before I got pregnant with Bear, I had some curves, not a lot mind you, but some. Now, I just look skinny. I want to be able to wear something without having to cinch my belt as tight as possible. I don't want people to say, "My god, you've gotten so skinny." Or "I wish I was as thin as you." Really I don't. I just want to wear my favorite dress and my favorite jeans and know that they look nice on me, not like they are falling off of me.

Just thought I'd tell everyone. . .

• I really want to go shoe shopping.
• I'd rather be doing just about anything than getting ready to go teach.
• I wish Bear's teeth would come in. He seems to be cutting a mouthful at once. This makes for a cranky baby and a cranky mama.
• I'm in love with my children. Bear lights up whenever he sees Wild Man, and when Wild Man kisses Bear, Bear laughs out loud. Wild Man then announces, "Look, he loves me! I'm a good big brother, Mommy."
• C and I are trying to figure out how to get to San Francisco in a few months for a long weekend. I am presenting at a conference, and we thought we'd make an early anniversary trip out of it. We'll take Bear, but if everything goes as planned, someone will come stay with Wild Man.
• I can't believe people are already asking me what we're doing for Bear's first birthday. It is still 3 months away!
• Oh, and I can't believe my baby is 9 months old. Sigh.
• This week Wild Man is insisting on being called Robin Hood. C is Little John, and I'm Maid Marian. Bear is Friar Tuck. Wild Man is using his toy golf clubs as his bow and arrow, and as I was leaving the house today, he was putting the Sheriff of Nottingham in jail for being "unkind to everyone."
• I am so ready for spring.
  

Just because . . .

This picture makes me smile.

Boys and Girls, Celebrity Parents, and Stupid Tabloids

I've frequently blogged about my determination to bring Wild Man and Bear up to be who they want to be, even if that means they want to be boys who wear dresses (for the record, I'm too lazy to go through my archives to link to these posts, but they are there). So, even though I try to stay away from tabloid stuff, I was really bothered by recent headlines like, "Is Angelina Jolie Turning Shiloh into a Boy?"

I am upset by this article for a number of reasons. I mean, first, who cares? (And yes, I get the irony of that statement, since clearly I care enough to read the article online). Second, the headline really gets to me. Why do must the author assume that the mother is to blame? Seriously, why is the mother who has all the control when it comes to dressing her daughter? I mean, obviously, the mother is the one making all the fashion choices in the family. Clearly neither the father nor the child have any say in what the child is wearing. And there is absolutely no way a little girl would ask to have her haircut short. Nor is there a possible logical explanation for the haircut other than the fact that her mother wants her to look like a boy (um, I don't know, these people do have 6 kids. Maybe they don't want to brush the kid's hair every single day.). Beyond that, the language really bothers me. Yes, I know it is all subjective, and it is a tabloid--or sort of. The blog I link to often includes some decent articles on parenting. I'm not surprised to see this sort of thing on "Life & Style," but I am a little bit on this particular blog (although perhaps that says something about my own naivete).

That said, I really dislike how we continually have to point out when a "boy" doesn't look like a "boy" or when a "girl" doesn't look like a "girl." I also think the evidence the authors offer is just odd. So Shiloh likes to be called John? I have a 3-year-old, and Wild Man routinely announces, "Mommy, we're playing a game today. Now you must call me X." Typically he wants to be Gloria, the hippo from the movie Madagascar, with whom he is completely in love. He had everyone call him Gloria for an entire month last year. And he also likes to wear my high heels with C's ties and occasionally he asks to wear "sparkles" (make-up). I've also painted his nails, at his request. Do I think this means he wants to be a girl? No, I don't. But if I did, would I care? Only insofar as I would see it as my job to help him make that transition so he could be a happy and fulfilled individual. Here's the thing: kids experiment. One day, Wild Man wants to be a mommy and nurse his dinosaurs, and the next day he wants to be a superhero and fight the mean guys. So I applaud Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie for allowing their kids to be who they want to be, knowing that they and their children will have to deal with stupid articles like this one.

Warning: Unpleasantness Ahead

I want to begin this post first by writing that I am about to be uncharitable. I'm about to write about something that really, really annoys me, so if you don't want to read me be annoyed, stop now. I also want to say that I do realize that I live in Canada. Now for the real post.

I'm really, really tired of getting phone calls from relatives saying, "I want to buy Wild Man and Bear a gift, but instead, I'm just going to send you money so you can buy it for them. Be sure to buy X, as I think they will really enjoy this. Or, you can just buy them whatever you think they will like and/or need. Oh, and also be sure to take pictures of them using the gift from me that you bought for them from me and send me those pictures. Oh, and make sure your 3-year-old understands that the money being used to buy the gift is from me, not you. In fact, I expect a lengthy phone call from your 3-year-old telling me how excited he is to play with/wear the thing you bought him with my money. Incidentally, start prepping the baby for this too, as I will make comparable demands of him as son as he is able to understand the concept of a gift."

In all seriousness, I really appreciate that people want to give the boys gifts. I also appreciate that I live in Canada and shipping things here can be bit of a hassle, but really, it is neither that difficult nor that expensive to ship things here. I mean, one could buy stuff from the Canadian version of Amazon and ship a gift to the boys. It also isn't that difficult to go buy a gift, package it, and take it to the post office and ship it to Canada. I also appreciate that people want to buy the boys gifts they will like, but again, is it so hard to say, "Hey M and C, I want to buy the boys a gift. What do Bear and Wild Man like right now?" I generally say, "Well, Wild Man is really into dinosaurs, and Bear is into Little People. But both boys play with lots of different things. They both also like books, especially Wild Man. They will likely be happy with whatever you want to give them." I find this type of gift giving lazy and annoying. The purpose of giving a gift, at least in my mind, is to show that you have put some thought into buying the gift. The purpose is not to make my life more difficult.

Oh, and no, buying a gift card isn't any more helpful. They aren't teenagers. They don't enjoy going to a store and picking something out, and especially with Wild Man, taking him to a store and allowing him to pick something out could easily lead to a meltdown. They are easy to buy for. Ok, I'm finished being unpleasant for awhile.

More Home Improvements

We recently purchased an electric fireplace, and while I think it is so very tacky, I've enjoyed the extra warmth it has provided to the main floor of the house. I've also enjoyed the reduction to our monthly energy bill as the tacky fireplace is much more efficient than our outdated baseboard heaters. This concludes the home improvement posts for today.

Renovations

Our kitchen is almost done! Here are some shots of our new cabinets. Pay particular attention to our lovely wooden counter tops! We haven't decided what kind of material we want to use, and C and I are currently debating having them installed versus installing them ourselves. Can you guess which method I'm advocating?

Babies, Clothes, and Little Girls

I've been organizing all of Bear's outgrown clothing and sorting through Wild Man's old clothes. I'm doing this primarily because Bear is growing so fast that at 8 months, he has already outgrown a lot of 6 to 12 month clothing. In fact, he is already wearing pajamas that Wild Man wore at 15 months--when he was walking. Bear is big! At a check-up a few weeks ago, he weighed 19 pounds 15.5 ounces--3 more pounds that Wild Man weighed at the same age. Based on the clothes he is wearing, Bear is easily 2 inches longer than Wild Man as at this age too. So I'm going through all of Wild Man's clothes to see what Bear can wear and to determine if I need to go shopping for anything.

As I was going through all the clothes, I came across the box of girl's clothes I've been hanging on to since Bear was born. As you may remember, we were told that Bear was going to be a girl. Although we were somewhat skeptical, we prepared as though Bear was a girl, so we received lots of gifts of girl clothing. When Bear was born, we were surprised, but I wasn't at all disappointed. In fact, I was a bit relieved. I felt like it made sense. Given my tumultuous relationship with my mother, I was more than a bit nervous to have a daughter. I was totally unsure that I would be able to avoid making similar mistakes. I'm not saying that boys are any easier to parent, but given my experience with Wild Man, I was more sure of my ability to effectively parent a boy. I remember thinking all of this when I packed up all the clothes that were no longer "appropriate" for Bear (although in the first days, the boy wore a lot of pink, I must say, at least until we found Wild Man's newborn clothes and got them washed!). A few friends had urged me to mourn the loss of the daughter, and while I can see the validity of that for some people, I didn't feel that need. Because I was somewhat skeptical that we were having a girl, I hadn't really invested myself in having a daughter. In fact, we were completely unable to agree on a name, and the only name we had agreed was a boy's name--the name we gave Bear.

At the time I decided to keep a lot of the clothes (I gave some away, and I did sell 2 big boxes of clothes) not because I was hoping for a girl but because we weren't sure we were done having babies. C and I decided it made sense to hang on to the clothes until we decided for sure we were done. Lately, we've been talking about having a third, and we're both feeling more certain that our family is complete for a variety of reasons. So when I opened the box of saved girl's clothes, I decided to just go through it and get rid of everything. I was totally unprepared for the sudden sadness I felt. All of a sudden I realized that I will most likely never have a daughter. While I'm ok with that, I was not expecting to tear up a little bit as I folded a brown sundress with a giraffe print that Wild Man had happily picked out sometime last spring.

(I feel it necessary to explain that I just spent 15 minutes trying to compose the last sentence. Sadness isn't exactly what I felt. In fact, I paused in writing this post to talk to C and to try to explain to him what I was thinking as I folded the tiny little girl clothes once again. Wistful may be more accurate, but even that isn't quite right. Sad isn't accurate because that suggests that I feel like I'm missing something in my life (or at least it does to me), and I don't feel that. I can't put a word to the emotion at this moment, but it was something between sad and wistful.)

JK Open House and Other Musings on Wild Man

Yesterday we attended the open house for Wild Man's Junior Kindergarten program. As I've written about here, choosing the right JK program for Wild Man was not easy for us. It was complicated for all the usual reasons, but the fact that we are Americans living in Canada made it even more complex. We ultimately chose to send him to the school that is affiliated with the university's daycare. While convenience played some role in our decision (his daycare teachers will actually walk him to and from JK every day), we primarily chose the school because it is 1 of the top 5 elementary schools in our province.

That said, when C and I toured it the day we registered Wild Man, we left feeling a bit uncertain about our decision. I think most of that uncertainty stemmed from the reality that we had just registered our 3-year-old for Junior Kindergarten. Even though we have a much better understanding of the Canadian school system now, we're still finding it hard to separate what we know about kindergarten (as in, you go to kindergarten when you are 5, not 3 or even 3 and 3/4s, as Wild Man will be when he starts JK in September) with what Wild Man will experience in JK. So we went to yesterday's Open House as much for us as we did for Wild Man. We wanted some sort of understanding of what his day will be like and what the program requires of him. We met the teachers and toured the rooms. Wild Man had an opportunity to explore the room and ask questions. He also discovered that many of his friends from daycare will be attending JK at the school too. Wild Man left excited and happy, and C and I left relieved. In fact as we walked to the car, he looked at me and said, "Ok, now I know we made the right decision." I agree completely. Now that we've had an opportunity to talk to the teachers, I realize Wild Man is prepared for this, and he will benefit from the experience, even at his relatively young age. I am still somewhat concerned about how he will handle the transition come September.

While I've always been acutely aware that Wild Man is a lot like me, I've become even more aware of that fact recently. As C has told me every time I've expressed concern about Wild Man's similarities to me, this means he has a lot of good qualities. Like me, Wild Man is empathetic, sensitive, caring, and gentle. He is also assertive, out-spoken, and independent. These are the qualities I like most about myself, and I am very pleased that Wild Man shares them with me. But, like me, Wild Man also has a tendency to be overly anxious and easily over-stimulated or overwhelmed. Further, while his sensitivity and empathy for others means that he has the ability to feel for others, it also means he picks up on everything.

For example, C and I were both stressed out about the whole process of choosing a school for Wild Man, and we spoke about it in front of him several times. One night he couldn't go to sleep because he'd heard us talking. When I checked on him and asked why he was awake an hour after bedtime, he told me, "I made you and Daddy worry about my school. Mommy, I don't want you to worry about me." My 3-year-old was worried that I was worrying about his future too much. I gave him a long hug and tried my best to reassure him that it wasn't his fault that I was worried. I also tried to explain that I'm the grown-up and that C and I want him to be a kid and to not worry about grown-up things. I'm not sure he understood, but he did relax and went to sleep soon after.

On some level, I love that he wants to take care of me, but I want him to understand that isn't his job. And as I was the kid who worried about everything, I feel like I've passed this on to him. My parents never took the time to help me understand that I didn't need to worry about everything or that it wasn't my responsibility to worry about money or illness or other grown-up things. I want to try to explain that to Wild Man. I want him to be a kid. I don't want him to feel like an adult at 10, which is how I felt. I want him to know it is ok to be a little boy.

Wild Man's first open house

Tonight we will be attending an open house for Wild Man's Junior Kindergarten program. C and I tried to explain it to him this morning, and he was a bit distraught, as he didn't quite understand that he would continue to go to his current school while also going to JK. Having an open house in March when the program starts in September seems very, very early to me. I mean, I doubt Wild Man will remember all of this come September. As for me, I'm alternately excited and sad at the idea. It hardly seems possible that he is old enough for JK.

Teaching

I just want to write that I totally love my English class. Given the structure of CU, I've been teaching the same class since September, so I've really gotten to know these students. And these are some bright, considerate, thinking individuals. I was uncertain about teaching a year long course, but now I love it. I think the method has a lot of pedagogical merit, and I can't wait to teach another one.

Job, blah, blah, blah

Last week I had a meeting with Dr. Feminist to discuss my future in the department. I updated her on the current situation, including the fact that Dr. Nice Guy has had several conversations with the Dean. I made this appointment at Dr. Nice Guy's suggestion. He was concerned that if he was the only person speaking with the Dean about our situation that we didn't have a very strong case. So I asked the hard question: "Have you spoken to the dean about a more permanent position?" I really hated asking this question, but I have to say, I was a bit floored by her response, which was, essentially, "No, I haven't because I didn't realize you wanted a more permanent position." Now I feel like I've been really up front with Dr. Feminist--I've told her we were hoping for a partner placement, that I'd be happy to keep working in her department, that I'd be happy with a visiting position, that I'd take a joint appointment in Women's Studies and another department (I currently teach in three departments), and that I'm on the market. I now realize that I never specifically asked her if she'd speak to the dean, but given that Women's Studies is seriously short handed (only 2 full-time profs and 5 joint appointed profs and about 600 majors as well as a brand new MA and a Ph.D. program), I didn't realize I had to. Sigh. I feel a bit stupid and a bit annoyed.

So she happily agreed to speak with the dean. We'll see what happens.